Home › Forums › Dating and Sex Advice › Feeling my boyfriend is comparing me to other women…Help!!!
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M.
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Anonymous
Okay so this is my first time using this site. Looks pretty cool for advice…
My boyfriend and I have been together a little over a year. I don’t have any children but he has two by the same mother. I’m starting to get a hunch that he still has a thing for her. Seems to me he should be with her if thats that case being that he has a ready made family, why been with me…
He seems to always find little ways to bring her up. Last weekend I cooked dinner for him. Typically out of fun I will ask him to rate my food on a grading systems. He said he’d give dinner an A-, it was great. He gave me a minus because I had mushrooms in the spaghetti. He said the only women he’s dated that can really do an excellent job with home cooked meals are me and his kids mother. Then on nother occasuion he tells me a story about one of his buddies…some sort of incident that took place at work. At the end, he says “yeah I was telling the kids mom about it too”. Then another time we were talking about a friend of his being attracted to heavy set women. My boyfriend said thats not his thing…the only way he’d be with a woman is if they gainned weight from having his children. He said next that his kids mom gainned while pregnant with both children but got back small again.
These things just make me feel like I’m being compared to her in some sort of way. Then he’s told me a few times that I look bigger than my mother. I told him I wear a size 2/4 depending on the designer of the clothing. My mother wears between a 6/8. This weekend I showed him a few pics and he said for some reason to him I look bigger than her. I told him this makes me want to go on I serious diet and lose atleast 10-15 pounds. Then he says he doesn’t think I need to lose weight. I told him I weight 130 pounds (note: Height 5’5). Then he asks me, where is the scale???
I just feel he’s constantly critiquing me.
Cleo
Omg, if any guy commented on my weight I would go off. I am 5’9 and 115 pounds, so people are constantly scrutinizing my size, but the guy I am seeing says he loves my size and height. He seems to be trying to control you, but you guys have been together for a long time. I think if he really wanted his ex back, he would have already ran back to her. He probably has low self-esteem himself and is trying to make you feel bad at the moment.
Why all of a sudden would he want her now?
Anonymous
I just think he has a thing for her and compares every woman to her in his mind. I don’t really think he wants her just probably likes the idea that he could still have her if he wanted her. I think he also likes the idea of being tied to her…he even told me that she’s still not over him.
Raven
What is his age?
Anonymous
We’re both in our late 30s…
ady
I think he may have some sort of attachment to her still…but the best way to handle it TELL HIM. you cant expect him to know youre feelings. i know this from past relationships. Maybe hes just joking around and since you havent spoke your mind he doesnt think its something that is bugging you. Let him know that you feel disrespected from the weight comment and that you are ready for a committed relationship but it seems as if maybe he isnt ready.
Raven
He sounds a little immature, ok quite a bit now that I know his age…
Amelia
Shows me photos of other women (obviously) had collagen. No photos of me. Tells me have a good body. My face is not the best but not the worst he has seen. Undresses every female from 14 to 100. Tells me while in bed with me that he has visions of sleeping with this woman we both know. It is destroying me as he then laughs about it to my face. We are mature adults. Why does he do this to me?
Janet
When my boyfriend and I first started dating it seemed like 50% of our conversations ended up with him talking about his ex or an experience with her or something. They had only split about 6 months before we started dating. One night after about 7 or 8 months of dating I let him know it bothered me and why he did it. He said he had no idea how often it happened or that he even did it. He was just telling me stories and the last 7 years were spent with her, so a lot of his experiences involved her.
After that he was very careful about when he brought her up. Every once in a while it will still happen, but now that we have been together over a year we are creating our own memories that we can talk about.
Let him know and if he cares about you he will try and not do as often. It is his past though and she will always be a part of that. Good luck!
Raven
Amelia … Dump the douche!
Phillygirl
Wow, he’s not a very nice person. If a man talked to me the way he did about your weight, my size 6 foot would be up his rear end.
You sound like you are very slim already and you should not feel the need to diet for him.
When a man constantly brings up an ex (whether it’s to say nice or nasty things about them) it’s a red flag. Often women assume if he’s trashing their ex it’s a good sign.
It’s not.
If he’s talking about her a great deal, and always finding reasons to interject her into the conversation, he’s thinking about her. This is a red flag.
He may not be with her because she doesn’t want him, or they can’t get along. But that doesn’t mean he is over her. You can love someone but know you can’t be together. I think you should think long and hard about why you’d want to stay and put up with this.
We get the relationships and treatment we accept. It you don’t believe you deserve better, you won’t get better. Believe you deserve more and allow yourself to find it.
redcurleysue
A secure man does not do this. He is insecure and does not want to let go of the ex just yet.
It is up to you but I rethink this relationship. If you feel put upon then you are being put upon…it is that simple.
Tell him that you need to date him and other men. So you want to go back to dating. When he asks why just tell him it is obvious that he is busy finding fault with you and that he thinks too much about his ex for your taste.
Do not step back from this, even if he says well then it is over. He has some growing to do and is not ready to be with mixed company.
M
Okay this is just my opinion so take what works for you and leave the rest.
I think his behaviour is terrible and nobody deserves that. It’s abusive.
I also think you not only settle for this behaviour but you almost ask for it, with asking him to rate your cooking. I’m betting you subtly invite him to compare you to other people all the time, maybe without even realizing it. I’m not saying his behaviour is okay, even if you invite it. I don’t necessarily think you should stay with this guy but if you don’t work on whatever it is within you that feels the need to be graded and whatever it is within you that put up with his behaviour so far, then you will continue to end up in relationships with a similar kind of man.
This isn’t your fault, you’re not wrong for tolerating it, and if you are going to be treated well there is a certain amount of responsibility that falls on you. Not to control someone else, but to not settle or tolerate less than good and kind treatment.
What do you think your next step might be?
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