This topic contains 10 replies, has 1 voice, and was last updated by Rose 3 months, 1 week ago.
July 22, 2023 at 2:42 pm #942177
Hi all, I am a long time user of this forum and I think I’ve posted a few good advice for others over the years. Today the tables have turn and I’m seeking some clarity in a situation and I appreciate all I can get. Note my user name has changed.
As the title says, I’ve reached a point in my relationship and life in general where I’m just watching the days pass me by. My bf and I have fallen into this chaotic or toxic dynamic if you will. Will try to make a long story short, he doesn’t seem to want to be with me anymore and we have a 2 year old son in the middle of this mess.
What’s confusing me is that, he shows no interest in me whatsoever, he chooses his friends over me and goes out with them every weekend. He never makes plans with me unless I’m asking him. Anyway, It has come to a point where he talks to me so disrespectfully, would tell me he and I are never going to be equal because I live with him rent free. (He owns his house) I do work but he makes more than I do. We don’t have any intimacy anymore. He has also cheated in the past. A lot. And I found out about them all last year and it was all at once cause he left his phone unlocked one day and I wasn’t going to snoop but right there in my face was a message of him asking to see a girl THAT night. I had no idea he was cheating. He even cheated with someone really close to me while I was pregnant. I broke up with him and went to my parents house but it was difficult for me because at that time I already had the baby and my son understand who we are really well and he calls for him 24/7. And even when I’m back living with my bf, my son is always running to him and excited to see him. He even waits by the door for him to come home sometimes. It just breaks my heart to pull him away from his Dad. So I put him first and been trying to make it work since. Sometimes we would be okay and have good days but then he always find something to be critical about that I’m doing. He would criticise me about every thing even about how long I bathe my son. I find him very hypocritical as he can dish stuff out but can’t take it in. He’s been ignoring me, leaving the house whenever he feels like it and doesn’t say where he’s even going, picking fights, calling me demeaning things that hurts me. I sent him a long text about the way he’s been disrespecting me and he ignored it. I had to text him because when I calmly talk he doesn’t listen, so when I speak with a high tone during arguments he wants to tell me not to raise my voice at him and threathen to slap me.
Last Saturday I decided to give him a taste of his own medicine, since he was coming and going whenever he please and wouldn’t say a word to me, leaving me behind alone with our son a lot, I went to see his eldest sister and was over at her house for a few hours and left our son in his care. His sister lives in the next house over. I didn’t tell him where I was going. When I got back it was around 11pm and I went straight to shower like HE does. When I was getting into the bedroom he had locked me out and told me that I’m not sleeping next to him tonight that I should take the couch and told me to get out his house by the morning. I almost laughed because I realized that he didnt like this treatment at all yet was doing it to me, he did thought I went out to see someone else. I said nothing and slept on the couch. In the morning I was making breakfast for my son and he came up to me and told me again to not make myself comfortable that he wants me out before 10am. I asked him for what reason and he said he don’t need to give me any. An argument began and I got heated from taking all his bull and disrespect so I raised my voice and that’s when we actually physically faught, he slapped me and I wasn’t taking that and I threw some stuff at him and we wrestled a bit where I scratched him. He tried to put me in a chokehold and I bite him. It was horrible I couldn’t believe that just happened. I gave us some distance and left for a bit but still did not move out because I felt I did nothing wrong to cause any of it. But ever since then, I’m like a ghost in this house. He still keeps coming and going as he pleases, when I’m in the sitting room he goes in the bedroom and when I’m in the bedroom he goes to the living room. We don’t say a word to eachother and I’m not even asking about anything anymore. I feel sad. I feel like I’m 29 but living like I’m in my old days cause the days just keep passing me by. I can’t even socialise because I don’t want to come back in the house to be locked out again. I only go to work and here. Ive been faithful to him for the 4 years we’ve been together despite his treatment yet he thinks I’m the problem. And I feel dead inside just watching all my friends living out their life. If it weren’t for my son, I would have left but I can’t take him away just to hear him asking for his father all the time. I feel pathetic. If someone had ask me for advice about this situation I would have told them to leave regardless but it’s different when it’s on you. My son is what’s really keeping me here. What would you have done?July 22, 2023 at 9:05 pm #942178
Get. Out. Now.
Go back to your parents house.
Staying for your son, will only teach you son disrespectful behavior & that it’s ok to treat you poorly…July 22, 2023 at 10:39 pm #942179
Once choking has happened the first time, your odds of getting killed at the hands of a partner increases by 750%. You can do an internet search related to “choking predicts homicide” and will get thousands of results. Get away from him, keep your kid away from him. You’ve been abused, you’re responding to abuse, he will continue to lay hands on you and probably will start laying them on your son at some point if you stick around. Even if he doesn’t touch your son, Raven is right. Your son observing this, which he is even if you don’t think he notices, is either traumatizing for him though he doesn’t realize it quite yet or normalizes this and teaches him to treat women this way and that this is what good relationships are like. Especially if he’s at an age where he idolizes dad. You’re not married thank goodness, so just leave. Write down everything that happened, and continue to keep records, in case you need them legally or for a restraining order. Please reach out to someone at a domestic abuse shelter also. This entire situation is above the pay grade of an internet forum.July 23, 2023 at 3:07 am #942181
Agree with maddie and raven.
Luk you hv tried everything. And its obvious things will not work out no matter what. things are going frm bad to worst. Dont see any attempts from the other side to change his behaviour, get more interactive, discuss and try to mk things work. I understand ur son is more into his father than you.. smtms thats how things play out. My cousin had the same issue. The son since the time he was born was alwys running to his dad more thn the mom. That shld not be your sole reason to stick arnd and take more abuse. He is free to cm and go as he pleases. But ur not. And the atmosphere at home is terrible n toxic. Sulky resentful silences, no empathy, no caring no love, no nrmal discussions, no joint family outings! Nothing!!! Only fighting, profanities, blaming and accusing each other!! This kind of atmosphere is going to scar your baby mentally and emotionally right from his infancy!!
Comeon both of you living like this day in and out! One day things will just snap and who knows how violent things wld get! You have already got a glimpse! Pls take this as a warning and as a precursor trailer to what will happen going ahead! I say this bec i see no attempts to straighten out the mess, bridge the miscommunication and no intent to put things straight!
Pls move out asap and seek counselling therapy or long talks with a mature relative to help you deal and cope with your situation. Pls undrstnd your not doing urslf or your son any favor by staying there. Leave!! Take charge and get out. You hv tried enough.July 23, 2023 at 2:18 pm #942182
Thank you all for your response.
As soon as I had posted this I sensed the house was very quiet. When I looked around he was gone and his car was gone. It was something about this silence and the weight of my irrelevance to him that I felt in that moment. Something inside just got me up and started packing all my stuff and my son’s and throwing them in my car in the middle of the night. (It was 1am in my country) I texted him that he won, that I’m gona be gone by dawn.
He came home at 4:30am and noticed the house was half empty, he started texting me all these nonesense about how I’m leaving whenever it suits me. At 6am my son woke up and we were out of there. I am now at my parents house and no matter how difficult it is to hear my baby call for his Dad I’m going to hang in there until we’re use to it cause I can’t take his treatment anymore.
He kept texting me asking me if this is my final decision. I know I have to keep contact cause we share a kid but I hope he just doesn’t contact me for a few days.July 23, 2023 at 2:37 pm #942183
Thank You for the update, I’m glad you left!July 23, 2023 at 3:12 pm #942184
Good first step. Please still reach out for domestic abuse resources because things can be difficult right after you leave, especially if the father is unpredictable. But you’re doing the right thing, and I hope things improve for you soon!July 23, 2023 at 5:40 pm #942189
Get a lawyer right now and petition for custody and child support. Document everything he does and says from now on. And get support for yourself. You can tell him you need a few days to yourself and you’ll be in touch this weekend. I hope this all works out for you. Good for you for leaving.July 23, 2023 at 11:17 pm #942192
Thank god you had the presence of mind to leave when he wasnt around. He sounds very vicious and may take steps legally for sole custody. I think you shld just say you need some days to think things through. Do take advice frm a lwyer on how to proceed. Pls do not get drawn in to vicious and abusive tirade with him. You need to wtch evrything u say or do from now on. Or he cld use it against you. Start putting together/ documenting things so that you hv enuff evidence moving ahead. All the best and remember your doing the right thing. No matter what you hv the right to live your life with dignity and respect and you chose that! Stay strong and be proud that you were able to walk away.July 25, 2023 at 4:21 am #942199
if you are ever in doubt, think of your son and if you want him to be raised in an abusive home. Your child is your priority from now on .August 20, 2023 at 8:39 pm #942397
I’m brand new here, but I wanted to just be a voice of comfort for you. What you’re going through will feel like hell on earth, but I promise it will get better. You have a lot of life left to live, and if you can make as clean a break as possible here, you will begin to feel some relief. Let yourself heal and you will forgive yourself for being in this situation.
I really recommend that you go as little contact as you can. Don’t get tempted to go back, no matter what he promises or says. These are his true colours and he will not change. There is time for you to get your life back on track if you stick with this decision. Someone is out there who will love you the way you deserve to be loved. With kindness and compassion. With gentleness and patience and fidelity. Stay strong and know that you WILL get through this with the help of your friends and family. <3