Home › Forums › Dating and Sex Advice › Why am I always SO reasonable?
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Clara.
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Clara
I seem to have a problem with anger or showing someone I am pissed off. I had a very volatile and violent upbringing and I am not sure if that is the root of it. Basically what happens is that if someone hurts me I am ever so understanding and reasonable towards them but inside I am crying and hurting. I then wish I had said more or acted differently and start beating myself up about that, basically letting them off. they get off with a clear conscience and I am in pain.
The most recent example of this was with my ex. He hurt me (by starting to see someone else and not telling me and lying about other stuff). I am not sure if there was overlap but it was certainly very quick. I cut him off without explanation but he kept sending me messages every month telling me how much he missed me. He even sent a message on Valentine’s Day, despite living with and having a baby with the new woman. After a year of these messages I eventually wrote to him telling him that he hurt me. I got a very long justification/explanation back basically talking all about him and why he was with this woman and how he still thought I was wonderful and missed me. I was taken aback and did not know what to make of this so sent him a really nice reply all about wishing him the best and saying I wanted to be friends and that what he had done was forgivable etc etc. I cannot believe I let him off so easily and almost apologised for being upset. It has left me feeling really rubbish. It is a pattern I keep repeating.
Since then I have gone no contact again but I keep wanting to re open it and give him a piece of my mind. It is too late isn’t it? Why am I always so bothered about making other people feel comfortable? I am always so mature to the point where it is unnatural. Grrrrr, not sure what I am asking, just want to feel better about myself and not keep repeating this pattern. How do I leave this one in the past?AngieBaby
Yes, this is rooted in your violent upbringing and this sort of thing is almost impossible to change without the help of a therapist.
I’m not one, but I broke up with a man who had the same background and same problem.
What I observed: he couldn’t handle conflict and he couldn’t express his feelings at all, because he didn’t see those things modeled in a healthy way. So he was extremely passive aggressive. Caved in too easily, had no boundaries, and then got out of proportion enraged over minor things. I couldn’t ride that rollercoaster and he was unwilling to get any help to change, so I had to walk away. It was a shame, he was a great guy in many other ways.
My suggestion for you – write out everything you feel about this man, and then burn it and let it go. You also need to cut contact with your ex so you can heal from this relationship. He’s being very selfish to want to hang onto you and to keep writing saying he misses you when he’s moved on with someone else and has a child with her.
Funny thing, the guy I left also had an ex who wouldn’t let go of him. I asked him did he want to be friends with her and he emphatically said no, but then he wouldn’t block her and would talk to her if she called like they were long-lost friends even though she’s married to someone else she cheated on him with. He said he couldn’t bear to hurt her feelings. That was ultimately what made me left go. He’s very hurt and angry with her for how he treated her but won’t tell her to stop contacting him – and she did know about me! And that’s ultimately why I left him.
You have to find a way to value yourself and get in touch with your feelings and learn how to express them appropriately. I’ve never seen anyone do without help.
Clara
Thanks Angiebaby – very insightful and helpful
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