Home › Forums › Dating and Sex Advice › Was I unreasonable?
- This topic has 10 replies and was last updated 3 years, 10 months ago by
T from NY.
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A
Hello.
I’ve been dating this guy for a little over a month now after I hadn’t dated anyone for about a year. I’ve been more focused on work so when I met him, he really seemed like a breath of fresh air. He too hadn’t been dating so I guess we had both become those people who maybe got a little too comfortable being by themselves. Anyway, we both expressed how much this relationship felt good and we had equal determination to see where it goes and it been fun for the most part.
We had our first squabble the other day. One I feel we both equally contributed to. The actual squabble wasn’t much of an issue for me as I felt it was something minor that an apology and a talk could easily fix. What did upset me is how he went stone cold in my attempt to get that conflict resolution going. It was morning when the argument took place so when I sent him a screenshot of our song as an olive branch extension later that evening, I expected him to atleast respond. Whatever the response would’ve been. Hours went by and still nothing. So when I logged onto WhatsApp to see if the message has been delivered, it had AND he was online. It became clear that I was being ignored.
I have no issues with someone taking their time to digest information or to “calm down” but I do have issues with it not being communicated. Mind you, this man is a brilliant communicator. So I did what felt best at the time. I jotted a message explaining how I couldn’t be with someone who isn’t capable of dealing with tiffs in a kind way. I sent it, and as soon as it was delivered, I blocked him. I blocked him on my phone too. So basically he has no means to contact me. I know for sure I don’t regret “dumping” him but I’m now not sure how I feel about blocking him or not giving him a chance to explain himself- just for closures sake if nothing else. I can’t unblock him coz that would just make me seem unstable but I am sad over the whole thing. Was blocking him childishly and harsh?Raven
The blocking feels a little harsh, but you’re confident with the break up…
Maddie
Learning how and if you two can handle conflict resolution together is a really important part of early dating. You found out from the first fight that this isn’t a good match, which is perfectly okay!
The blocking was harsh, because you effectively told him off and gave yourself the last word. If there was no way to move forward then it doesn’t really matter what he thinks of you or if he got to respond, so there’s no reason to undo it at this point anyway. Plus, closure only comes from within and how you process something that’s happened. But what it sounds like is more that you got upset that he froze in the face of conflict, which is different from your style of confronting it, and then you retaliated in kind.
I don’t think anyone should accept stonewalling in a relationship or potential relationship, but this is a good opportunity to figure out why you got so angry that you threw up such giant walls when you walked away. And again, I’m not saying at ALL that you should have given him a chance and continued engaging. It wasn’t the right guy for you, moving on from him is best and you’re already confident in that decision. What I am saying is it sounds like you were really reactive to protect yourself so you may have some distrustful boundary stuff going on, and I think that’s why the blocking part isn’t sitting as well with you. That has to do with you not him, and it may make you feel better to introspect into that somewhat. (Hopefully I’m not way off base, and I apologize if so!)
A
Thank you so much.
Yeah the blocking is definitely what I’m having a tough time with. It feels very “off” Like it’s an indication of a deeper issue. I’ll definitely look into that. It feels good to know though that I was not being unreasonable by ending things over the first argument. A friend of mine suggested teaching him how to handle conflict and something about that made me feel mighty uncomfortable. Why am I teaching a grown man how or the importance of fixing issues within his relationship?
The break-up sucks but I’m sure I’ll eventually move on. Thank you.tammy
maddie always explains so beautifully and lucidly. i think you were right in the sense that you extended an olive branch. to show that its minor tiff and your not sulking. but the message that you sent and blocked him was definitely a little over react. I say this with love and total understanding since i used to do the same. I am working on this myself and have got much better at controlling my first impulse which is to over react.
In case your wondering if by your over reaction you closed the door to a potential gud relationship, trust me you haven’t. :-). i had met a guy some months back. i said something which he dint like. his first reaction was to block me and i was so shocked. because what happened wasn’t so extreme. like you, i extended an olive branch but after few days. and asked him if hes still mad? he said no and he realized he had over reacted. i told him he shldn’t get so mad so easily and over such trivial issues. its detrimental to health. and that was that. till the next time i said something which didn’t sit well with him. he didn’t block me this time but just stopped messaging and left my messages on read without replying. that’s when i made up my mind to let this man go. i can’t spend my whole life humoring a grown up guy whenever he gets upset over trivial stuff and sulks for days on end..
just introspect on why you over react and work on that. :-)
Ewa
I don’t know what your conflict was about, but if you are arguing after a month of dating then I guess he is not the man for you anyway.
I think the fact that you blocked him, showed him that you are very immature and I am more than sure that he is happy that he ignored you and now will be telling his friends you were the crazy one because he wasn’t replying for a day and you blocked him.
Men sometimes test women to see how they react and unfortunately you failed that testRaven
‘Men’ who ‘test’ women deserve to be blocked…
A
Imagine testing women but walking around thinking they’re the immature ones? The jokes clearly write themselves.
tammy
true raven and Ewa. who wants to be with men who test us! sitting on the judgement seat and trying to see if we pass his tests.
Elvira
I do agree with the others that you may have over reacted with the blocking ( I am guilty of blocking as well) so I see the temptation of having the last word or not wanting to deal with something when you feel “disrespected”. It is a sign of controlling the situation.
My confusion here is that you state you both were at fault and an apology would have cleared things up. If the argument was that small why not attempt to speak to him versus sending an “olive branch”? There is a saying not sure if I am saying it right but “choose your battles wisely”.
I am guilty of not being the 1st to apologize but in a new relationship I need to understand their ways of dealing with conflict same way they need to see mine. Then we work on it – some people need time while others want a quick resolution. It was too soon in the relationship to jump to such a harsh reaction on both parts. I think this could have been handled more mature not just on his part but yours as well. However you never even gave it a chance!
T from NY
Having a song, an argument, and this much drama in one month = neither of you are grown up to date. The first several months to a year should be the BEST times you ever have. The idea, or the phrase “conflict resolution” shouldn’t be rearing it’s head for months.
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