Trying out new dating behaviours

Not rocket science. Um, don’t sleep with men on the first date, and mirror, don’t lead and be receptive, responsive and appreciative.

First of all you’re thinking, talking and dating like you’re in your twenties not your late thirties. Small wonder you’re getting boys and not men. What are your goals? Clearly you want to be in a monogamous relationship. Are marriage and children part of your plan?

it’s glaringly obvious that you’re setting yourself up to be a side chick. This “go with the flow” and “enjoying the moment” and being soooo “transparent” stuff is nonsense and isn’t serving you. That’s not language of someone who wants a relationship. That’s the language of someone who will take whatever a guy wants to hand her, hoping he’ll pick her. Which, as you’re finding out, he never does.

You need to do a much better job of screening on the site and then weeding out once you meet them. Close your legs for a while – at least half a dozen dates – and let a man court you and you watch and listen and decide if he meets your standards. If you really need sex that badly find an FWB who you won’t catch feelings for or have any hope it will turn into a relationship.

And as someone pointed out, Tinder is mainly a hook-up site. Try other sites. Frankly, you’re well old enough to know you shouldn’t be f**ing a guy on first dates and expecting it to turn into something more. You have to wise up fast if you really want what you’re saying you want.

In a fast moving city where forming connections is hard no its for hook ups and relationships. Also the data on Tinder marriages is interesting so it’s not just a dirty app. :)

Haha OK, some of you – judgemental Judy’s. I find it amusing. I’m a busy, attractive intelligent 37-year-old. Dating like I’m 20? Do you mean having sex on the first night? It’s great sometimes. Granted self-control is a powerful thing. I have no regrets. The right man would have worked out. I don’t know where everyone is living that writes on here but Tinder and other apps are the main way in London to meet people. Everyone else with solid feedback on my attitude and outlook – thank you! I’m going to practice it tonight. If I’m 37 or 57 being reductive about my behaviour at my age is a strange perspective. I’m on here to improve myself not to be judged or cut down – although that’s easy. Tinder isn’t a hook-up ssssssite. I actually work on tinder for marketing and know the data inside out. Thank god I have a thick skin lol. Lane – thank you. You advice makes complete sense. I’m looking forward for tonight and seeing where it goes :) xx

Dylan, I have no judgment about you. All I heard is please give me advice because what I’m doing isn’t working out. That was straight advice. If you want to take it as insulting that’s too bad – it certainly wasn’t meant that way. I’m in NYC, the toughest place to date as a woman over 30 and I just turned 39. We also use apps and sites to meet here. I’m speaking to you from experience – my own and my friends. It gets a whole lot harder to date for marriage and a family in NYC after 40. That’s why I asked what you want. That was a genuine question. If you don’t care about those things it’s another matter. If you do, you don’t have any more time to waste.

I watched one of my friends the same age as you doing the same things as you finally decide to close her legs and wait a while on sex and within 6 months she met the right guy. Her own words – I can’t believe I spent so much timing dating like I was in my 20s expecting to meet Mr. Right!

If you really think that sleeping with men on the first date is OK for you and you really believe that it’s OK with the “right man” then hey, keep doing what you doing and… and keeping getting the same results. I stand by what I said. Back up and look at yourself and your behavior and the results you aren’t liking objectively and you’ll understand why I said every word I said. Again – zero insult meant.

Good luck out there.

love, Judgmental Judy :)

A lot of you have great advice But the way it is worded sounds condescending so I understand where OP is coming from

I think the hardest thing about dating in your late 30’s to 40’s is that you are likely dealing with a pool of men who are not exactly looking for relationships, especially on Tinder. I have met a lot of men who just do not seem to know what they are looking for. Some circle back after awhile and are relationship ready. Most “relationship ready” guys that I have met off of apps met me, faded out, then came back 6-8 months later “done” with apps and wanting someone serious. They were also pretty much guys I did not sleep with.

Tinder is a candy store for men. Unless a guy has been single for awhile, it’s basically a giant mall of trashy women for them to experience. Once they get their fill of hook ups, they might revisit some of the more quality women. I’m not saying that hooking up is trashy, but most guys have war stories of crazy women they hooked up with. You just end up filed away with whatever other women they slept with right away. I’ve done it- just hooked up, and it really never works out.

If you make a guy wait and he keeps asking you out, it’s a good sign that he is serious. If you give a guy sex early on, you never know if it is the regular sex or the relationship. There are loads of guys on apps who will carry on indefinite casual “things” for a really long time. If sex is not a part of it, you’ll lose those guys very quickly (which is what you want to do).

Just a few things that jumped out to me in your post.
I’d limit a date to a few hours. To me this encourages a guy that if he wants more, then ask me on another date. Meeting someone for the first time and spending hours with them is too much too soon. Plus a guy needs to earn my time.

Another suggestion is to hold off on the sex until you have a clear idea as to who you are dating and where things are going. I agree with the ladies about STD’s unwanted pregnancies, and just your all around well being. Too many people are easy to hook up these days and most guys will take it as a sign that things will be causal.

In the beginning let the man lead as well.

Lastly, dating is suppose to be fun. Enjoy yourself and be yourself.

If you really want a relationship and also maybe kids, i would get into therapy. And thats me looking back. Some people wont find anyone. Like i didnt. But now i know i was emotionally unavaible myself and nowhere capable to have a relationship. It terrified me so i went looking for emotionally men themselves. I dont regret it, since i didnt want a family. So i would have send my younger self to therapy. If this makes any sense to you, then give it some thought. You are the one saying you were all ears for new ideas

“In a fast moving city where forming connections is hard no its for hook ups and relationships. Also the data on Tinder marriages is interesting so it’s not just a dirty app. :)”

True.

Not everyone on a dating app is looking to hook up.

If they are, so what. It’s good that you’re open to different experiences.

Hi Dylan,

I’m 39 and in the UK too, and I too have no qualms about first date sex, just to put that out there.

I’ve been seeing someone for almost 4 months and we did sleep together on the first date, but he’d been quizzing me about my views on marriage, more children, how my ex-husband would feel about me being in a relationship and we’d already clearly discussed what we were looking for – I was very clear that I’m looking for a meaningful relationship and he was very clear he wants a wife, ultimately.

There was another guy I dated where we waited a few dates to get intimate and he still turned out to be f*ckboi, but he’d been a bit vague on what he was looking for and I was a bit ‘cool girl’ about it, so I think you’ll probably have more success by being REALLY CLEAR about what you want – no ‘just going with the flow’ – you can ‘go with the flow’ if you’ve established you both want the flow going in the same direction first ;-)

So – as with all things in life – communication is key; and unless you’re prepared to chalk something up to experience don’t commit your heart or body before you know they will.

Hello Everyone,

OK… Here goes… Sorry for the long response.

So I think as someone else said in these comments there’s a lot of solid advice but some of it is delivered in a harsh or crass way. I’ve got a thick skin but there are people that use this forum that are more vulnerable. Maybe keep that in mind?

“Keeping my legs together” Wow. Is that what a woman does when she has sex? Just opens her legs? I don’t think so. This is reductive and I think the term was used by a woman! I think attraction and choosing to sleep with someone on the first date is a bit more complex and nuanced. We’re not animals that present our genitals to a mate. Let’s have a bit more respect.

Age has nothing to do with it. Life is to be lived. Maybe my career was a priority. Maybe I was with a partner throughout my 20s and 30s and it didn’t work. Maybe…maybe. So I’m dating how I’m dating. Learning as I go to be more self-aware and emotionally intelligent. Labelling a woman’s dating habits as ‘in her 20s’ or ‘in her 30s’ is pigeon-holing someone. But maybe my life partner is waiting for me in my 50s. And maybe I’ll sleep with him on the first date. Who knows? For me, this journey is more about respecting myself and I think its the same for other users of this forum.

“The best attitude and mindset to go into dating is “I don’t NEED a man to make me happy, I’m perfectly happy being with my self!” – This is how I feel but this advice is important to remember. I travel alone (currently typing from my solo-travels around Portugal), I’m a mature student back at university and I successfully freelance in my industry so my life is very much mine. My saying is ‘two wholes on their own journeys make a partnership, not two halves make a whole’. BUT what I do do is go with my strong sexual attraction if it’s there based upon my feminine mind and for the man I think there’s no more mystery in comparison to maybe the other 10 people they’re talking to in Tinder. That is the one downside of apps – there’s so much choice!!! It’s like the conveyer belt at a sushi bar (no pun intended).

There is some really good advice here and I think all in all it shows how complex dating is. I think less labels and more having a personal standard that holds up is key so thanks all of you.

UPDATE** We went on our date and clicked immediately. Talking came easy and we have a lot of things in common. He’s 45 and looking to settle down. He sensed my caution and curiosity and was transparent about it. We kissed. I had butterflies. At 11:30 I suggested he call his uber (he came to my area). When it was two minutes away he asked me if I’m sure I don’t want him to come to my house. I said no (proud of myself!!!). I was flying the next day so he asked me a couple of times for sure that we’ll meet when I’m back. I’m now in Portugal and he’s in the Alps and we’ve exchanged a few messages. I insisted on going dutch on the wine bill but I owed him for it. I messaged him for his bank deets and he replied I can just buy the wine on our next date. Now I’m being cautious about not over-texting but also being true to the moments I’m experiencing and sharing if I want to. I’m not a clingy woman to trying to maintain that thread of contact but not taking it too far is a learning curve for me. Wish me luck!!!

And thank you for the advice. I like these conversations with complete strangers that live in different parts of the world. We can agree of disagree but still provide resolutions and answers. Xo