Tips for having a relationship with a single dad (full custody)

having 3 kids full time I can tell you he is going to be really busy; I am not sure if you live together? What do you mean by you suspect his ex has some narcissistic traits?
how often do you see each other?

How often do you see his kids? What do you mean by you “get along okay”?

Honestly I think if you’re having thoughts of stepping back and not wanting to take a stepmother role, you should probably end the relationship. If this man has his children full-time, and your relationship with him gets more serious, you will ultimately take on a stepmother-like role. It will be difficult if not impossible to date seriously and not have a relationship & attachment to his children, in my opinion. These children are very young and they will naturally attach to you.

My bf has a child that age and he’s super attached to me. We get along wonderfully. My bf has him every other weekend, so I don’t even see him as often as you’d see your bf’s kids. So I personally can’t imagine having a serious relationship with a guy who has young kids, but keeping myself distant from the kids.

I don’t think it makes you a bad person to not want to take on that role. I think it’s good that you’re being honest and aware of your limitations. I’m just saying that I don’t see a way of having a serious relationship (18 months) with a guy, but keeping his kids at arms length, if he’s got full custody.

Hey Tall, hold on there – the OP and her BF didn’t “gang up” on the ex or call her a narcissist, she said they suspected she had some narcissistic traits. BIG difference. They aren’t labeling her or diagnosing her in any way shape or form. And saying you suspect someone might have some narcissistic traits certainly doesn’t make someone codependent. I take it you have an ex and his partner who labeled you narcissistic or something along those lines, judging from your strong reaction?

Amy, maybe you could tell us more about your hesitation to take a stepmother role to these children. They have their mother and they are with her quite a bit. Are you not into being a mother? Do you not want to interfere with their relationship with their mother? You will never take the place of their mother, so you don’t need to worry about that.

They are young and you aren’t going to be able to keep them at arm’s length. Have you talked with your BF about how you will relate to them? Are you getting serious about living together or getting married?

Thank you for all your valuable feedback that help me navigate the complex situation. I want to have some suggestions and explore how ready I am to take on more responsibilities or if I should step back.

My relationship with my partner has been a supportive and caring one. We don’t live together at the moment as we prefer to take things slow. My relationship with the kids has also been great too. I will normally spend 1 to 1 1/2 days with them, whereby we do activities together. I try to take a step-back approach at the moment as I know I can be too strict with kids sometimes, eg trying to discipline them etc. But I want to build a relationship with them so that I can support them.

I am an introvert by nature, which means I need to have personal time myself. And this is something that I need to think about if they may spend more time with his dad. It’s also important for us to spend time alone as a couple.

I have recently heard about the news. We will probably need a discussion about this, and navigate how things should proceed.

And yes, I think they will still see their mum, and it’s good that my partner’s parents are very supportive and caring too. This may give some flexibility there.

@AngieBaby, thank you so much for your understanding, and this is what I meant – suspect. That said, I shouldn’t be that subjective, and this is not the key point of my discussion.

@Tallspicy, I am sorry to hear about your past experience, and I don’t believe you are one. I might feel the same if I were in your situation. For us, we try not to talk about the ex, and we will never say anything thing bad about their mother in front of the kids. But yes, I shouldn’t label anyone.

Wait, I misunderstood! The ex wants HIM to have full custody!! That’s a whole different scenario.

What is the reason for that? Mothers don’t usually voluntarily give up custody to their young children. How often would she see them?

If I were you I would determine if your BF is willing to ensure that you two get some regular couple time, which would mean hiring a babysitter. And also you’d have to figure out how you’d guarantee some alone time for yourself. Those two things are key. Again, talking with him and determine if you two can work out an arrangement where everyone’s needs are met is the only way to tell if you should move forward. It would understandable if he wanted to focus on the children entirely and if that’s the case then it’s time to go your separate ways. But if he wants you in his life then it’s important to decide what the path forward looks like. If you can’t come to an agreement, obviously it’s the end and better to know sooner rather than later.

She wants to ditch her kids to make a new life with a new man? That sucks for the kids.

I do think they will need a stepmother figure to step in. I’m not saying their mom can be replaced, and i assume they’ll still have contact- but for their day to day, of course they’ll want a mom figure in their lives. They’re still very young.

I agree you should talk with your bf about this and how he sees your potential role. If my bf were in this situation, I would absolutely be prepared to step up and take an active stepmother role. You and your bf will have to consider what the situation means for you.

Amy, I think you have to prepare for the possibility that you would over time at some point in the future become their mother figure because you have daily contact with them and their mother can’t be bothered. That’s very surprising, for a mother to dump her three kids like that. Not good. She may continue to get even more distant over time and who knows, maybe move even further away. I can see why you suspect she might have some narcissistic tendencies. That’s at the least quite selfish. Most mothers I know wouldn’t ever willingly be separated from their children.

I have one male friend whose wife left him for another man and then they moved to distant country for a big work promotion for her. She only talks to their son, who lives with him, once a month for about 15 minutes and sees him for one week a year. Pretty heartbreaking for the boy – my friend has had to work hard to help him understand he didn’t do anything wrong, he’s not a bad child and it’s not his fault she disappeared. For whatever reason she lost interest in being his mother.