Home › Forums › Break Up Advice › Struggling to get over breakup
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Trixie.
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Sophie
I am really struggling to get over a breakup with my boyfriend. We are both 33 and were together for only 6 months but it was so intense and amazing (most of the time) I feel totally gutted it’s over.
He finished it because he didn’t feel like we could continue with long distance, even though it was only long distance for another few months and we had so much stuff planned in the next few months together. It was an excuse really, he just didn’t want to be with me enough. I viewed him as my person and future life partner. I think he was always less commital. He never said I love you for example, even after 6 months. And towards the end told me ‘I don’t love you yet, but I’m on the way to loving you.’
He left a week ago and we’ve had no contact since. I feel so so sad about it. I can’t stop crying, I keep thinking over and over all the things I loved about him and the amazing things we did.
I went on a date last night with someone I met on an app. It was fine, but nothing more than fine. It made me miss my boyfriend so so much. I dreamt about him last night and woke up crying. I feel so low today and can’t seem to pull myself out. I really don’t know what to do. I guess I’m just looking for some reassurance it will get better, because at the moment I feel like it never will.
Gaia
It will get better. Why would you want to be with someone who doesn’t love you after 6 months together? Take it easy on yourself. You are going to go on a lot of dud dates that will just be fine or boring or bad. That is ok. You’ll miss the good dates you had with your ex but remember he didn’t love you. You deserve to have someone love you.
Sophie
Thanks Gaia. Is it normal for someone not to say I love you after six months together? We spent a lot of time together as well, nearly every weekend and a couple of week long holidays just the two of us. So I felt we had a lot of quality time. I would have said I love you so much earlier but I knew instinctively he wouldn’t say it back, so I never said it first. And then I was proved right when he said so clearly I don’t love you. Is this a problem in a relationship or was he just taking his time and making sure, like he claimed?
To me is felt like he was unsure about me and our future, even though I felt very sure about him.
Gaia
No it isn’t normal at least I don’t think so. Most men decided at the 3-4 month mark if they have feelings for the person they are with. I only speak from my own experience but I was with a man for almost a year and he never said the words. I chalked it up to it not being his love language. It turned out that he couldn’t bring himself to say the words because he was cheating and didn’t want to be a liar on top of being a cheater. He was saying the I love you’s to the other woman. My situation was not normal.
It sounds like this guy kept you on the hook a bit longer than he should have. You deserve better. It’s possible he thought he needed more time but I doubt it.
Liz Lemon
One piece of advice- take a break from dating for now. You just ended a relationship a week ago, you’re not mentally or emotionally in a place to date. Take at least several months to heal from this. If you date now you could potentially get yourself even more hurt (as you can see, you’re even more miserable now after one date), or you could screw up something with a great guy because your head isn’t in the right place.
To answer your questions– unfortunately it’s totally possible for a guy to spend lots of time with you and not fall in love with you. Quality time doesn’t necessarily translate into falling in love. If he wasn’t there, he just wasn’t there. Why would you want to be with someone who didn’t love you, like Gaia said?
By 6 months of dating, a guy knows if he’s in love with you or not. This guy was not in love. You yourself say he was always less commital than you. You should be grateful that he was honest with you and ended it. He could have wasted your time for months or even years.
It hurts, but you will get through it. Try to take what lessons you can from the experience. If you can tell a guy is less committed than you are, do not go all in and give your heart 100%. A guy should be at least as crazy about you as you are about him, if you’re going to start planning a future and seeing him as a life partner. Don’t expect a guy to “catch up” to your feelings– you two should be on the same page. So if a guy is less into you than you are into him, take that as a warning and slow yourself down.
For now, try to distract yourself. Focus on your friends/family, hobbies, volunteer work, traveling, exercise, whatever. Just fill up your time so you’re not sitting around thinking about him. You will get through it and it will get better. And I think with a bit of time, you will look back and be grateful it ended when it did.
Gaia
What Liz said! Take some time off from dating. You need to heal you. Date yourself or hang with friends and family. That will help in the long run.
Raven
It will get better, I promise. Take it one day at a time…
Maddie
It’s not normal. My guy waited a little longer than I expected to say I love you (he’s not a words love language person), but he was very obviously committed and otherwise devoted so it wasn’t a situation where I felt like I was too afraid to tell him because he wouldn’t say it back. I waited for him to say it first anyway because I’ve also been in your situation! Emotionally unavailable and commitment-phobic ex couldn’t say it after a year and broke up with me right after I finally said it out loud! (He felt too guilty continuing to lead me on after that…) It was awful. I had an actual nightmare not long before that I’d said it and he literally ran away, and that’s because my gut knew things were not right!
Some people feel more comfortable in long distance relationships because there’s built-in distance, and in a way, that may mean they don’t feel like they need to fully commit. So due to their own issues, it’s less scary for them to stay involved from afar. I don’t think it’s a coincidence that as things started to look more real and you were talking about closing the distance being on the horizon, he bailed out. Do not take this overly personally, because it doesn’t reflect on your value or self-worth!! It will be very painful until you’ve given it some time, and I agree to give yourself time to grieve and get over things a bit before you resume dating. If you have a support system of friends or family you enjoy, hang out with them. Find ways to spend your time that make you feel good about yourself, accomplished, or satisfied. Hang in there and it will get better, even if it feels bad for a while still.
Sophie
Thank you so much for such kind and wise advice. I felt instinctively that something wasn’t right and I also believe when you know you know – it certainly shouldn’t take 6 months (including a lot of quality time) to still not know if you love someone.
I know it is for the best in the long run. I just have to take small steps in the short term and just get past the awful sad bit.
It probably is too soon to be dating again. I just wanted to take my mind off him, though it ended up making it so much worse. I’ll take some time to let it all settle and take care of me. Thanks again everyone
Trixie
Someday you will meet your prince charming and be glad it didn’t work out.
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