Misunderstanding or red flag

I don’t believe it was that particular comment but in general—you are trying to compare what is going on with you with the death of someone. I too would be like WTH, how can you make such a comparison and I would seriously be wondering how deep the issues really are with you.

My partner at or about our 4th or 5th month mark told me about the childhood abuse he suffered from his step-father. To be honest, it freaked me out as it was IMO “too early” to get “that deep.” It made me pull back because I didn’t know if he was warning me or something so it kind of shook me up a bit. I didn’t say anything but trust me, I watched him more closely as I wasn’t sure if, or how much, it played into his current life? The good thing is he was able to overcome it, and is a really kind, loving and good man (opposite of his step-father) but it would have been much better if he had reserved that convo. to a later time, until I figured that out for myself first.

I believe you dumping all your “trauma’s” on him has freaked him out. In your attempt to try and create some “closeness” you may have ended up scaring him away? I would advise you to just “let it go” and see what he does next. I have found the best thing to do is to not bring it up again (aka “rehashing”), as that just keeps it in the forefront of a man’s mind, which isn’t what you want, so silence (letting it go and never bringing it up again) is often the best remedy in these cases.

And as a side note: I don’t think its him who has the “red flags” but you. He expressed how he felt and you cared more about your *feelings* than his. TBH, I don’t think you should be dating and should deal with your “traumas” through a qualified therapist so you don’t feel the need to “vent” on a guy because you’ve solved or resolved those issues. Just my two cents.

Okay. Thanks. However, again, I do see a therapist. He knew about that too. He knows about the depth of my issues already. If that is a red flag he can already leave, I never kept him in the dark. He was always curious about that and what is going on with me. And wanted to be part of my problems, hence asked me vent if I wanted to, and I know he wanted to hear..he keeps asking me let him know it all just the way he does. So that isn’t the issue. Let it be. Maybe I am not able to bring forth my point properly. It’s just that I listen to him nicely when he talks about something personal and sad and don’t make it about myself that you used this word and that phrase. I let him be. It would have been nice if he had also let me be when it was his turn to just listen and not pick up a phrase I used and make it about his mother. I am considerate about his . My post is about his comment and whether I should be bothered about it. Is it normal for a boyfriend to feel shaken up by suc h a thing, I feel it’s odd and it is more along the lines of:”nobody gets to talk like that about my loved ones”..because if it is this, I would unhesitatingly tell him to part ways because I did not disrespect his loved ones and I can’t be with someone who picks little things and tries to pinpoint that you are wrong. That’s all. It’s Not about the oversharing bit.

Hmmm. That got me thinking. So this bothers me a little because it’s a cultural thing. In my country a girl and a guy marry and the girls goes lives with the guy and his family. And there are lots of domestic violence cases relating to abuse and they particularly come from such men who are of the mentality that nobody dare say things to my mother, you are just a wife my mother is the owner of the house and a lot of such drama around mother in law and daughter in law. I think you are right. Maybe I read too much into it.

I don’t see it that way. You used a very bad example and for some reason it stuck in his head and he couldn’t get the thought out. I don’t know what his relationship with his mother is like but based on his response I would see it as a natural response for someone who would be “shaken” at the thought of losing their mother. I just think you hit a sensitive nerve or soft spot, nothing more, nothing less.

I think you blew this way out of context. Whenever I have a question, or I see someone is struggling with something I either: 1) ask the person to clarify, or 2) apologize for making then feel bad. This could have been easily clarified, on your end, by doing one of two things:

By asking him: “May I ask why it shook you so much?” so to give him the opportunity to explain or clarify it, instead of you playing mind detective.

OR

Telling him: “I’m sorry, I didn’t mean to upset you. I agree that was a very bad example and I shouldn’t have used it.” Then give him the opportunity to accept your apology or talk about it further.

Its amazing how easy is to use communication to solve problems instead of creating them by not communicating.

It sounds like you didn’t feel heard after being vulnerable and didn’t like his reaction. I don’t think it was a specific red flag on its own, if he heard you out when you were venting and waited a couple days to tell you you said something that triggered something in him, he may just not have had much to say about your issue because it wasn’t his place to do anything but listen. And just because he told you something got to him doesn’t mean it’s your responsibility to walk on eggshells — he said he was just letting you know, he didn’t ask you to change your behavior and regulate this issue for him, right? It may be a sign, however, that your communication styles don’t mesh and you’re not right for each other, but if you’ve been dating him for 4-6 months already you have had time to see if he has a pattern of dismissing you and making things all about him. Does he? Or was this the first time anything has happened that could be interpreted that way? Try not to project your other negative dating experiences on him, just see him as a clean slate, totally different guy from your exes when you think about the answer to that question. If the answer is yes, you’ve seen a pattern of examples, then trust yourself on it that it may not be what you’re looking for.

He also may not be someone who maturely knows how to deal with and process thoughts of grief and death like that yet, especially if you’re both young.