Home › Forums › Dating and Sex Advice › He told me ex was the love of his life
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Elvira.
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May
I met a guy on a dating app recently, we went out on a date, we had a good time and chemistry. He suggested we meet again and this coming Monday we’re supposed to go for a hike together.
Tonight he called me just to catch up. We chit chatted for a bit, he asked me about my son and my ex who lives nearby and how we’re handling the parental duties. So in return I asked him about his last relationship – when it was (no other questions about reasons behind breakup etc.). Just wanted to get a feel on how long he’d been single.
He told me that it’s been a good few months. Some two years ago he got in a relationship with a lady, but it didn’t go well partly due to her explosive temperament and partly due to the fact that he was still not over his ex at that time.
I didn’t ask any further questions, I was simply acknowledging. He just kept talking. He said that the girl before the last one was the love of his life. They dated for 4-5 years (long distance) but that everything was just great, that he had a feeling she was the one. They split because neither of them was willing to move (same country, different parts). He said they didn’t want to break up but were forced by circumstances, it all ended on good terms. He wanted to take the relationship to the next stage but due to the distance, it was hard. He said he was truly heartbroken.
He sounded very nostalgic and the way he spoke about her made me feel uneasy. He repeated a couple of times how great it was with her, how he thought she was the love of his life etc. I hinted that life is not ending and who knows, perhaps she might reach out but he said “it wouldn’t be fair if she did” and that he thinks past belongs in the past. To me it didn’t sound like a definite no. It felt weird that on a call with a prospective date, he’d be bringing up his ex from years back and gushing over her. I just thanked him for his honesty and changed the subject but man, it was awkward. Like what do you say to that..
I obviously don’t know him, or if I want something more – and if I should even bother with going out with him. I’d like some observer’s opinion, or maybe someone was in a similar situation before?
Does it sound like he’s still hung up on his ex who was “the one” a couple of years ago?
Maddie
I think these are all red flags and if you’re not otherwise very interested in him you can let it go.
He went from an unavailable person that things were great with from a distance, whom he now sees as the “phantom ex,” to someone with an explosive temperament. And didn’t think there was anything else worth mentioning. I see these as avoidant tendencies which indicate some potential intimacy issues, but if you are otherwise interested in him you could get to know him a little better to get more information and find out.
Raven
Run, run away from this guy!
May
Maddie, thank you for your insight. I agree that there might be some commitment issue on his side. I forgot to mention that the last girl was hoping to move in with him as he got a house, and she thought he was buying it for them (with a future family in mind) but he said he got it for himself! Apparently she didn’t take it well.
May
Raven, yeah. You’re probably right.
I was excited about Monday but after that call my interest went down. I’m just thinking maybe he was just trying to show he has nothing to hide by being “open” but the way he said it was ugh, so weird.
Maddie
That sounds like very bad communication and more red flags. Like I said, you can give things a chance to learn more about him if you can manage to do that without emotionally investing yet. But personally, I agree with Raven and would not see him again. It’s good he was upfront with you, for sure, but it sounds like it was in an oversharing way (which is why it left you with a weird feeling) and that isn’t good either.
Persephone
All of this makes me wonder if his avoidance/ex hang ups are why the last ex was explosive…
I’d definitely call it off. I’d be wondering all the time if he’s still pining for her. It’s really hard to unhear those words. It’s hard to compete with pining because the person wasn’t just in love with that person from the past, but they’ve spent a lot of time daydreaming and wondering what if. I wouldn’t normally feel this way about any guy with any ex, but when they gush and readily admit it was the love of their life it doesn’t leave much room for a new love.
AngieBaby
I would never tell someone new in my life that an ex was the love of my life. That would mean I’m more interested in looking back, not forward, I’m stuck in the past, I don’t really think anyone is going to be better and I’m not ready to move on. And I’m secretly hoping he’ll come back. It’s a negative challenge to the person in front of me – “prove to me you’re better than him.” YUCK. So if someone said to me what this guy said to you about his ex, I’d walk away without a second thought.
tammy
I agree with others that when someone over shares and then talk abt the love of their lives, it puts us on guard. If your not that invested you can walk away. or if you feel uncertain, go for that hike, have some more interaction and see how he is during that hike. and then take a call whether you should walk away.
Liz Lemon
If a guy I’d just started dating said that to me, my interest in him would totally deflate….like letting air out of a balloon. I think that someone who is that fixated on an ex (especially in such a gushing way) is not truly emotionally open to a new relationship. A guy should be trying to impress you in the early days of dating, and waxing poetic about his ex who was the love of his life is definitely NOT a mindset where he wants to impress you.
“the last girl was hoping to move in with him as he got a house, and she thought he was buying it for them (with a future family in mind) but he said he got it for himself!”
That’s a pretty huge miscommunication right there….how does a guy buy a house, his girlfriend thinking it’s for both of them, when he actually intends it to only be for him?!So I totally understand your discomfort. It’s your call if you want to see him again, but if you do, I’d be really wary if I were in your shoes.
May
Thanks for all the input, girls. I really appreciate. I’m glad I’m not alone in feeling the way I feel abou that convo (and him in general).
One of my first thoughts was ‘how do I compete with that?’, and then I realized I don’t want to be competing with someone he put on a pedestal years ago and doesn’t seem to be over it. As you say, it wasn’t even a real relationship, focused on having good times only, so if he ends up in a real day-to-day relationship with all the struggles etc. it’s virtually impossible to make it better than a “love holiday”. And yes, his last relationship and that huge miscommunication shows that when it comes to dealing with a real relationship, he (or them) lack the necessary skills.
I’m yet to give my final confirmation regarding Monday, so I’ll have a think but it’s starting with an off vibe already, so I might as well cancel now and focus my energy elsewhere.
mama
That sounds like a wise decision May. :) Think on it and let us know what you decide, I hope it’s for the best! m
Elvira
Hi May
I agree that canceling the date is best, as others mentioned when you first meet a new prospect the last thing you want to talk about is an ex. He actually took it further with his confession.
I was in a similar situation with a guy who I started dating years ago and I noticed he would speak about his ex-GF a bit too fondly. I took it as oh he is just not the guy to bad mouthed his ex’s because he also spoke highly of his ex wife. I didn’t mind the nice talk about the ex-wife but the ex-GF was too much. I felt his admiration for the ex was a bit much to divulge in such a short period of time of us knowing each other.
It didn’t work out after 3 meetups I never heard from him again, which was for the best.
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