Gym freak or just not a good partner?

I have a few questions for all the ladies (and gents) who has good insights.

So my bf and I have a 4 year old together, it hasn’t been an easy time for me in particular because my bf doesn’t help me with much.

We both have full time jobs but it seems the responsibility of the house and our son falls solely on me. I also contribute to the bills so it’s not like I’m a SAHM.

From the beginning when my son was a newborn, I did most of everything. Had to care for the baby and also do all the house chores. We were both first time parents and we knew nothing. When I told him he doesn’t help, he told me it’s because I didn’t ask him for help. He thought I was fine doing it all by myself. I always thought that a parent doesn’t need to be asked to parent but since we were new at this I tried to understand that it didn’t come naturally to him. So when I started asking for help he would do them but it always felt like I was annoying him and sometimes he would just plain pretend he forgot. It came to a point I realized I just rather keep doing it all myself if I want it done. He would spend his time with his friends after work EVERYDAY, He would complain we never have sex anymore. Made me feel useless while being the one who does everything. And I was so miserable. I was so stressed especially when I had to get back to work.

Whenever I would express my mind and emotions he would rather talk about how I’m the one not giving him attention (dude I was a new mom doing everything by myself and YOU wanted attention?) Many times I never felt heard, there wasn’t a safe space, I was never correct about anything, he had many criticism about me that “he” says were constructive. But I always felt undervalued, and unimportant. Came to a point I just felt that I had to depend on myself for my own happiness and I just ignored all the noise, I did what I could. I was so busy and stressed that I didn’t even think of leaving, I faught my battle and as my son was growing into a toodler I noticed he became a bit more engaging. (I know it takes some time for some fathers to bond with their child and the new parent life) so I tried to understand him.

5 years later I found out he was cheating since my pregnancy. We definitely broke up. But then he sang me a song of getting back together, and my son asked for him all the time. We talked about what went wrong, we agreed on certain things. It looked like it will work as he felt to me, like he had mature. We just were communicating better. No bickering. And sure enough things were good for a while. He didn’t go out anymore, we spent a lot of time together, we laughed more, we did one on one things together again while my parents would watch our son. Both he and I and our son, have birthdays in the month of june so we celebrate the whole month doing various things as a family. I felt like we had a real chance with the way things were going.

A year later (that makes 6 years together) today, I noticed lately things has been slowing down. He traded going out with his friends for a new activity which is the gym. Which is fine by me as he used to go to gym during our time together but it wasn’t as intense. Now he’s going everyday for 3 to 5 hours. Obviously I don’t know anyone who goes to the gym that frequently and 5 hours? So I addressed it. He said he’s truly committed this time. And I have to admit his body has changed he is well built now, very muscular so I do believe he is indeed going to the gym but I told him he goes too much. But he’s not listening. What’s puzzling me is that our communication isn’t how it used to be. It’s mostly just transactional than anything. His routine is he would go to work 8am to 4pm, come home at 5pm, rest for an hour or so, be in gym from 6pm to 8:30pm sometimes 10pm. Everyday. Monday to Friday. And on weekends we don’t work so he would wake up, lay around, make his protein, even nap, and then at 5pm would go to the gym and come back late. We don’t talk at all when he’s in the gym. And I would go to work same hours, when I get home I’m cleaning, preparing dinner and bathing my son, preparing for the next day. I used to stay up and wait for him so we can have dinner together or watch a movie or just talk but I get so tired and hungry waiting on him. I suggested going out to see a show one weekend and he said okay, didn’t expect him to go to the gym that day but he did. And I ended up waiting for him all dressed up, we were late to the show but we did go and the vibe was just not great as I was disappointed. And I just feel he’s not priotizing. I thought about going out with my friends instead and let him be but I know he will not like it and would give me a passive agressive attitude if I do. It has always been like this. He says he’s cool with it, but I know all too well he’s not.

I noticed also that whenever he comes to me, touching me during times that we clearly cannot proceed to have sex, our son is 4 years old and needs eyes on him, so after he goes down to sleep and my bf comes home from gym, I let him shower and eat and while we watch a movie I would make a move now that we can have sex, but he would turn me down. Said he’s tired or not in the mood etc. And he’s always taking a nap. All the time. So we end up not having sex for a while. Even worse now, because I had surgery 2 weeks ago, and I wasn’t supposed to move around and do any chores. But I had to because the house was disgusting, dishes was piling in the sink. Laundry so much laundry. I just couldn’t look at it especially since I couldn’t leave the house. So I got up and did them in all my pain. He was of course at the gym. Not even considering the fact I might need someone to help me shower, care for our son, or help me cook. He only picked me up from the hospital and then just left me at the house. I just feel he’s inconsiderate. It feels like there’s no love. If I asked him to do something for me it always feels like I’m annoying. He might do it, but through grind teeth it seems. So I don’t ask anymore. Also noticed he spends time on his phone a lot. When I asked about it he said he’s watching YouTube videos on gym stuff yet I clearly see him typing away. So that’s another thing.

I know all this work out is tiring for him, but why is he not choosing a day to rest and pay attention to his family? It’s not like he’s in any body building competition. I also know lifting weights can become addictive or an obsession especially when you see results. But lately I’m feeling like he uses the gym to be away from me. And I don’t nag him, I don’t pressure him, I do everything in the house, I take care of our son and everything else without asking for his help. (He basically just lives here. 😒) so i don’t know whats making him choose to be distant. I’ve addressed all this to him in the most kindest way possible and I don’t feel like he’s listening. He knows he disappoints me, he knows he doesn’t help at all but he doesn’t change anything about it.

So my question is what can I do about this? Is it because of the gym or is it because of something else going on? Do you think on some days he might be going elsewhere and use the gym as a cover? Those of you who are parents have you experienced anything of the sort? I know our relationship isn’t the best. But I’ve seen both sides of him and it is very confusing to just say I’m leaving. So anything you guys can notice that I’m not will be of great help. Thank you.