A Married Man

I have been at my new job for a year now. I work in a building with another department. There is many office suites in it, with a lot of open lobby space we share between us.

I am kind of a shy person and keep to myself. I had a horrible experience with treatment by other colleagues at my last job and just try to stay under the radar, do a great job, and hopefully no one notice me. I walk all around the building and see many people over and over, but many I never actually met.

I was walking to the bathroom through the lobby area, and a man I have seen around the building was coming out the door of his office suite next to me. We made eye contact, I smiled and nodded, the typical cordial response, to people you’ve seen a ton, but never met.

He smiled too, seemingly eager, and as I went to continue on to the bathroom straight ahead, he pretty much stopped me, getting in my way and stopping me. He then says how he has seen me around a lot and thought we should formally meet. I think, okay this is professional and normal. Just another professional connection for me. I was cool with it.

We start talking and he seems overly interested in me and what I am saying. You know that look in a guy’s eye when he is just so into you. He had that. He was younger, compared to all the older people we work with so I was intrigued. But I could tell he was older than me. I am 29. He looked mid to later 30s. He kept asking me questions about me, and seemed so interested in what I was saying. I was a little flabbergasted, but also flattered.

The conversation was going well. I was a bit giggly, blushing at his continued questions and interest.

My big boss comes out of his office suite, sees us in front of him, comes over and starts taking with us. He apparently knows this guy, and of course me. The holidays came up and holiday plans, and my boss asks this guy is he’s going to be seeing his wife and child for the holiday. I was then shocked. This guy had a wife and child. He was definitely flirting with me. I immediately changed my attitude, to friendly professional conversation thinking, this guy has a wife, he’s just being friendly to me, I guess thinking he was flirting was in my head.

My boss leaves us to talk again, and I start asking him about his family. He doesn’t seem overly excited about talking about his wife, even making a face at one point of disgust.

She lives 9 hours away driving with their 2 year old daughter. She apparently got a grant for her profession, and was supposed to be doing research there for one year, and has now been there for 3 years. I ask him if he wants to move there to be with them. He says no, because he has such a thriving career here and he loves this area and lifestyle. He says he often makes a drive a few times a month to see them for long weekends. He seems to really care about his job and love it here. As do I. I tell him then his wife should try and move here, that’s when he makes a face and throughout he keeps trying not to talk about his family.

He then goes into this topic of saying how he feels like he lives a double life, he goes to them and is in a big house and acting as a family man, and when he is here he is in an apartment like a young bachelor again.

I found this a weird statement to make, I mean you are married. You aren’t a bachelor.

He then says he has to go and starts asking me when I will be back in my office after the holiday break. I name the date, he then tells me his date, a week after me. He then walks away and says we will have to grab a cup of coffee when he comes back.

I just smile nodding, speechless.

He has a wife, and grabbing a cup of coffee with a woman, not your wife, could be a date. But in my profession this could also be seen as professional, so I didn’t think much of it. Shrugged it off. It was odd, but maybe it was in my head as something more.

The same day later on, I am on LinkedIn, and I see him as a recommendation. I’m big on professional networking online so I add him.

I’m getting ready to leave for the day. I’m in my office suite, I forget I even added him on LinkedIn. I’m friends with everyone at work on there.

I’m chatting with a co worker as she packs up next to me, and we go to walk out together and lock up, we practically run into him walking into our office suite. I hadn’t seen him enter our suite in the whole year I had been there. He seems surprised, and then makes an excuse that he was looking for Jane, another worker. I didn’t think that was true. Jane was well gone for the day, it was late. He was coming looking for me, and was surprised when he ran into me walking out with my friend. We all chat and he thanks me for the LinkedIn add. I’m confused at first, not remembering. But we laugh and chat casually. I leave for the day and again, think nothing of it.

When I get home at night, I start getting private LinkedIn messages from him. I’m shocked. He starts complimenting my profile and all of my accomplishments. We start chatting. This isn’t professional, it’s like a guy talking to a girl he wants to get to know. He then asks for my number to text. I say okay. Again, I have a ton of people’s numbers from work and we text funny jokes and stuff. Didn’t think much into it.

He starts telling me how he has noticed me for a while at work and knew he had to meet me. He said when he spoke to me he was really enamored and wanted to get to know me more. He asks me out for drinks. I was nervous, so said okay. Some of my co-workers, guys and girls do this. But I did think it was weird just him and I.

I thought on it for a night, and he starts texting me the next day about a plan. He asks me whether or not I thought us taking at work would lead to drinks, I said I didn’t know, he said he’d tell me his answer on that when we go out.

I tell him I cannot go any longer.

He says he is so sad. He asks me if I cannot go, or do not want to go. I am honest with him and tell him, I remembered he had a wife and would never want her to be uncomfortable with us grabbing a drink. He says he understands and is so sad, and really wants to get to know me more and was thinking about me all day.

He claims his wife knows he lives differently when he is up here opposed to his family life with her.

I’m sitting there like, so he sees other women?

He claims we should still grab a drink just for fun and not think too much into it.

I again say I don’t think it is a good idea. He says he understands my hesitation and he doesn’t want to make me feel weird and we can just be friendly around our building. I say okay.

He then says he hopes I have a change of heart and he’d love to get to know me and explain to me his marriage in person, because once I hear it, I will see it is not an issue. And how he will see me after the new year. I wish him a happy new year and say I will see him around and it ends there.

What is up with this? Am I crazy? If he’s unhappy why not get a divorce? Was I too harsh on him? Or right for not going out with a married man? Was he definitely asking me out?

Open marriage? I can’t understand this situation.