How To Let Go Of Someone You Love

In end it’s up to you, but putting all this work for a guy who isn’t doing the same and ALSO he lives far away from you isn’t worth it.

I’d tell him you care about him but don’t want be in a relationship anymore and wish him the best. Sometimes less is more and what I mean by that is, don’t drag it out and make it this long conversation. Just say the bottom line and let go.

Hugs

Have you been long distance the entire time? How often do you see each other? Do you have any plans to actually be together?

I can see why this situation exhausts you. I’m a quality time person too, and my boyfriend is acts of service. If you’re in an LDR it’s very hard to get the quality time in, so of course you feel lonely.

If you truly want to end it, the distance alone is a good enough reason. You don’t have to cite “incompatibility”. You can just say, this relationship isn’t serving my needs, I don’t want a permanent LDR, I need a boyfriend I can see in person regularly, and this just isn’t working for me. Make it about yourself and your needs, and it’s harder for him to argue about that (although it’s manipulative of him to try to convince you otherwise when you tell him you want to end the relationship). You don’t need his permission to end it, if you truly want to. You can just end it. He can say whatever he wants, but you can stand firm.

It strikes me that you say your relationship has been “okay mostly”, but you feel like something is missing; and that you have tried to end it multiple times before (if I understand your post correctly- how many times have you tried to end it in the past 2 years?). This doesn’t sound like a very strong relationship, to be honest. So it might be better to end it.

Thank you everyone for your responses. They’ve put so much into perspective.
To answer some of your questions, No I do not get gifts as often as I send to him. Infact I’ve only ever gotten 2 gifts from him since we started dating. We haven’t always been long distance, before he was an hour drive away and most of the times he’d be the one making the drive to me. That to me showed effort so I guess it was easy for me to overlook all the other stuff I wasn’t so pleased with. And I also thought I too need to make certain compromises I guess. Now we don’t see each other as often as I think we could. I’m usually the one who makes the trip up to him. Last week I told him how down I was feeling (my daughter’s nanny passed and it’s been such a tough time for both my daughter and I because we loved her so much) So he said he’d be coming down to see me. I was so excited thinking what a sweet gesture that was. Turns out, he had family commitments to see to anyway so it was just a matter of convenience. His family is still down here, he’s the only one who moved up for work. I felt completely blindsided by his actions and when I mentioned it, it took him forever to acknowledge that he may have been wrong. Of that weekend, I only saw him for one evening. I don’t get the sense that I’m being played or anything of that sort, I just don’t think we value our relationship the same way. I think he’s under the impression that he has to focus on work so he can buy us our dream home and only then will we get to be happy. What he doesn’t seem to get is, even if he bought me the Taj Mahal, it wouldn’t matter if inside I’m not happy. We talk about the future and I feel he’s so focused on it that he’s neglecting what our relationship needs right now! I’ve been in healthy relationships and this is the first time I’ve ever felt lonely in a relationship and I don’t like it. I’d rather be alone then lonely with someone.

If his love languages are gifts and acts of service, he should be sending you gifts. But he doesn’t do that. From what you have written, he’s making minimal effort. The relationship is so unbalanced, like Newbie said. You are doing everything you can to make him feel loved and he’s just not as invested in your happiness.

I love what Ss said about– if you felt loved, you wouldn’t feel the need to count up how often he says “I love you.”. That’s so true. My bf is terrible about saying ILY! He’s uncomfortable with it due to his upbringing (although he’s trying to improve). On the other hand, I feel very comfortable saying it. So I say it more than he does. But, I feel so loved by him, it doesn’t matter to me. I accept him as he is. He shows he loves me in a million ways, both big and small. So I can overlook the fact that he rarely says those 3 words. On the flip side, I have had boyfriends who said ILY daily, and treated me like crap. So for me personally, it’s more important to *feel* loved than to hear the words. That’s just me, your needs might be different and that’s OK. But I do think Ss is right that if you felt happy and loved and fulfilled, this would not be an issue.

You shouldn’t feel lonely in a relationship. You said you have had talks with him about this and have realized you’re just not compatible. You definitely should not be considering moving in with or marrying a man who makes you feel lonely. The sooner you get out of this dead end relationship, the sooner you can move on and find a man who makes you happy and gives you what you need to feel loved.