Real life Carrie Bradshaw.

Hello
So as the title state, I’ve been the real life Carrie Bradshaw. Like almost down to the T. I was a career unstable single mom when I met my Mr Big. He’s Mr Big because he comes from an ultra wealthy background. Like really old money. When we met my ex and I had been separated for almost a year and we were cordially coparenting our 2 year old twins. Looking back, a big part of me felt shame about how my life had taken shape so when mr big came into the picture, I felt small. I felt like he was- as Carrie phrased it “out of my league.” He had so much going on for him and well, I had what felt like nothing but dysfunction. Now that I’ve done some inner work and healing, I look back and realise that he knew why he picked me. I may have been a single mom, but I was somewhat of a socialite. I wasn’t wealthy, but I was always invited to the same events he was. I was always desired by his peers. I think because I never dated anyone in those circles, the mystery around that is probably what attracted those guys to me. I was desired but never attained and so I guess he wanted to be the one to do that- to be “the man that gets her.” And he succeeded. From the outside I imagine that because of how I dressed and carried myself in those spaces, I must’ve come across as this confident woman who’s a catch but after spending time with me, any gent would’ve quickly figured out I was anything but. My self worth was nonexistent. Mr big came to know this and well, it worked out perfectly for him seeing that he too was a secret avoidant with self-esteem issues of his own. We were both two people wearing masks and because it served the personas we were playing out, we ran with it. True to the title, our whirlwind of a relationship lasted 8 years! Just a constant in and out of each other’s lives. Like Big, he too met a Natasha shortly after one of our breakups. She was actually his ‘real’ type. She was the literal embodiment of a Pinterest aspiration board. She was about to graduate from med school, so a dr. She too came from wealth. He introduced her to his family just a few months into the relationship. It took him about a year to introduce me to just his brother and cousin. He, like big would take me to all the restaurants and hotels that nobody would likely bump into us in. He didn’t keep me a secret, but he also didn’t care to let people know we were together. It was only at the events we’d attend, and even then my gut always knew it had more to do with his ego than him actually caring about me or the relationship. He needed people to see him as this amazing gent who any woman should feel lucky to have when behind closed doors, he treated me worse than used gum. He’d give just enough breadcrumbs to keep me around. Whenever any resemblance of self-worth would creep in and I put an end to the mess, he always knew just what to do and what to say to get me back onto the saddle. To sum this up I have LITERALLY been the real Carrie Bradshaw. Down to Aiden, the Russian, the Paris trip, EVERYTHING besides being left at the alter. I’m pretty sure that too would’ve happen had I accepted his proposal (that wasn’t much of a proposal but more a suggestion- much like you know who!) I literally cannot believe I’m not making this up. It cracks me up thinking about it😅

Unlike Carrie, I did end up leaving Big. It’s now been two years. I’ve used this time to really get to the crux of all my inner struggles and shadows. I know I’ve become a better and healthier woman- psychologically, mentally and emotionally. I received an email from him in Jan this year. Wishing me a happy new year and asking if we could do coffee coz he really needed to speak to me. I cannot tell you how hesitant I was to agree but I did. The conversation was surprisingly pleasant. He apologised for how poorly he treated me and asked for a chance to redeem himself. He claimed after much reflection, he realised I was his soulmate so he has spent much of this year trying to win me back. He suggested we hangout and take things as slowly as I’d need them to be to see that he has changed. I spent some time thinking about it until I eventually agreed to hangout. Just hangout. We’re also now in different cities so I was intrigued to see how he would navigate all that. He either books my flight to see him or he comes down and checks into a hotel while here. (It’s only an hour flight so not so bad travel wise.) Now that much of the veil that blinded me all those years is gone, I’m genuinely at a crossroads about what to do. He, unlike series Mr big has been doing some work for and on himself. He goes to therapy. He talks to me about his emotions and his thoughts. He certainly pulls out the stops when it comes to planning dates and making an effort. Before, he didn’t wanna do anything me- outside of the events we’d attend. He treats me so much better than what he did before- atleast the moments we’ve spent together. Basically I can confidently say this is a man who’s put in effort to prove that he too has evolved into a better person. My issue now is 1) He still has no kids and I don’t really want to have more. My cut off age for kids was 30 and I made this information available to him. It’s a decision I had made for myself and I’m quite happy sticking to it. He obviously will want to start a family and I won’t be able to give him that. 2) I have sooo much disdain for the woman I was while with him. Like I get why she was that way (daddy abandonment issues.) but I want to believe I’m no longer her. And in my mind it feels like me taking him back would be me refuting that. That’s my actual problem, my mind. Logic is screaming “Close this chapter. It happened, you guys both clearly grew from it now you both need to move on.” There’s also the issue of me understanding that as humans we all inherently have preferences. I was not his. The Pinterest woman is/was the type he’d put on a pedestal. I worry that him choosing me now is him possibly settling? I don’t want to be the woman a man chooses to settle for coz it seems ‘easier.’
Yet equally, I cannot deny that I do see and appreciate the changes he has made. I do see a man who seems to have a vision that actually includes me. I do see a man wanting to love me like I deserve to be. Our recent interactions are what I would say a healthy relationship looks like. And if I’m being honest, I do still love him.
Do I just discard all that because of the really terrible history between us? Do I become the real life Carrie and actually choose to be with Big, flaws and all? Soooo confused.