This topic contains 18 replies, has 1 voice, and was last updated by Alice 9 months, 4 weeks ago.
July 7, 2020 at 2:21 pm #795638
This is probably the biggest insecurity of mine in dating/early stages of relationships/the “talking” stage. I have an unhealthy habit of seeing what my crush/the guy I’ve been talking to likes in regards to women’s Instagram pictures or Facebook pictures. These aren’t models photos or celebrities, but various women he may or may not know. He also could have potentially met them on Hinge where him and I met.
This particular man and I have been talking for almost 2 months and we met in person recently last week. Things went really well in regards to the date and us talking. We have not had sex (I feel like this is always a defining factor in relationships). We swam in his pool, talked all night, walked his dogs, got pizza, watched some movies and so I spent the night. The next day I spent pretty much the whole day there, he made me breakfast and we swam in his pool again. He was really sweet and attentive to me the entire time.
What freaks me out is he openly said that in the past once he has sex with a girl he doesn’t have feelings for them anymore and it’s like what am I supposed to do with that? He said that if he’s been at fault for anything in his relationships it’s confusing lust for a general connection. We were making out in the pool and that’s as far as it went. Yet I’m afraid if I have sex with him too soon he’ll lose interest.
We stopped talking briefly over the issue of him mistaking his attraction for me as only physical. He told me I was “basically the whole package” yet he somehow has difficulty separating lust for “love” so to speak. So I left him alone for a week and half and he we started talking again after that. He then pursued me very hard and kept pushing the date.
But also when we were hanging out for example we were in the pool and we were just sitting there holding each other he said, “I could get used to this.” Or another example I made a comment about myself in a bikini and he said, “you don’t need to worry about that stuff anymore.” He’s always making references to “us” in the future and continuing this dynamic.
He reaches out to me everyday, he always texts first after he’s done with his clinical (he’s going to school to be a physical therapist). He kept in contact with me over the holiday weekend and then yesterday (Monday) I didn’t hear from him which I thought was odd. He also had time to post on his snapchat story and not message me.
I don’t know how to read this situation and am looking for some advice on how to proceed.July 7, 2020 at 4:42 pm #795648
Hi-the only thing to pay attention to is that he has sex with ladies and loses interest, He seems unsure what he wants and unavailable. I would not see him again if you are looking for more than a hookup.July 7, 2020 at 4:49 pm #795650
Im sorry but he sounds like a player to me and not serious in dating. You talked for two months and since last week you been to his house 2 times. Is that correct? He didnt even properly take you on a date. Then he says he loses interest after sex. So if you ever wanted to hear a big disclaimer, this really is it. The rest is all to get on your pantsJuly 7, 2020 at 4:52 pm #795651
Or maybe it was one long date and youre already worried you might lose him. Come on girl, dont be so easy. You have to thoroughly vet a guy if its a good fit.July 7, 2020 at 5:06 pm #795652
I’m assuming you talked for 2 months but did not meet because of Covid? So you only met last week.
It is suspicious to me that he has not taken you on dates but just had you “hang out” at his house. A guy who wants to impress you will take you out on a date. It doesn’t have to be fancy or expensive, but he will at least make an effort to meet you and spend time getting to know you in a public place. This guy is creating fake intimacy by having you in his house.
It’s also a red flag that as soon as you met, he had you basically spend 2 days at his place (you spent the day, slept over, and spent the next day). We have seen it over and over again on this site that guys who come on really heavy at the beginning are the ones who vanish just as quickly. Again, what he is doing creates a false sense of intimacy and closeness. Because you’ve been in his house, swam in his pool, walked his dogs, and slept over, you think you have a special connection and mean something to him. But he doesn’t see it that way.
Building intimacy and connection with a woman takes time. A guy who is looking for a relationship knows this and does not try to rush things with 48 hour first dates.
However the biggest issue here to me is that he told you upfront that once he has sex with a woman, he loses interest in her. No guy who wants to develop a relationship with a woman would say that! He’s being honest with you. So if you have sex with him, you can expect him to disappear.July 7, 2020 at 5:06 pm #795653
The whole setup where he confuses lust with love that he told you is classic jerk behavior.
He planted that seed in your mind so that when he ditches you and you ask him why, he can say “well I told you I confuse lust and love” so he can play the victim and be justified in ditching you since he warned you in the beginning.
This guy has clearly done this before, don’t fall for it! He is a player!July 7, 2020 at 6:52 pm #795662
This is dead easy: DROP HIM. Like a hot potato. He’s screwing with your head and it appears be to working. Wake up and smell the coffee, babe. He just told you he’s going to ghost you as soon as you have sex with him.July 7, 2020 at 8:29 pm #795665
You already know what to do which is why you’ve posted. He has told you flat out he loses interest after sex! Stop engaging with him because it will not lead to anything other than a ghosting.
Do not pay attention to pretty words- pay attention to his actions. The future faking- using “us” and talking about plans – is a ploy to create a false intimacy. Men that burn this hard so quickly burn out just as quickly. Do not fall for this fake stuff. Men say what they feel in the moment. In the moment he could get used to a bikini clad you in his pool… it means zilch though. Its just words.
I strongly suggest you take the consistent advice of all that have replied to your post… bin him!July 7, 2020 at 10:05 pm #795674
T from NY
Putting you on your guard statements are CLASSIC player behavior. Imagine how much more sweet a conquest is when you TELL the girl and she STILL goes along with it. He’s giving himself a one way ticket out of any immediate commitment to you, hope of commitment you might have in the future – and he feels justified because he warned you.
Meeting while in a bikini, pool make outs and sleepovers should be earned. End contact unless you’re okay with this just being sexual (until he’s through with it). If you want the chance for something to be more lasting – expect the man to court you, pace the relationship, and allow the man to pursue and win you. Anything else ends up with disappointment and-or hurt.July 7, 2020 at 10:59 pm #795680
As a guy I can just say it is not ” normal ” for a guy to have sex with someone and lose interest right away . The sex vibe lasts much longer that one night. This topic was covered in one episode of Sex In The City. Jon Bon Jovi was the guy losing interest ( in Carrie )July 8, 2020 at 7:30 am #795704
To me everything is a redflag regarding his words and his actions (not taking you on a proper date).
Get out of here as fast as you can as you seem already invested (writing on here).July 8, 2020 at 1:29 pm #795715
This is my take. I feel guys know out of the gate whether they see you as relationship material. The only thing you need to focus on is YOURSELF. He needs to see you are measuring his deservvedness of YOU. Not the other way around. And you can only know this through time and actions. Be at peace with this knowledge and stop stalking his social media.July 8, 2020 at 1:32 pm #795716
One more thing, do not pay attention to “words”. You are NOT in a relationship. And having sex early goes against everything I stated in prior post (gauging deservedness).July 8, 2020 at 1:38 pm #795717
Listen to these girls. Yes, the sleep over, pool dates should be earned. Lean back. If he isn’t taking you on proper dates, he is not investing in you.July 8, 2020 at 5:16 pm #795723
Wow, this guy is really smoooooth. He’s an “A Class Player.” You are going to get screwed even if you don’t screw. The ladies, and guy, were able to figure out this guy’s MO pretty quickly—RUNJuly 12, 2020 at 4:00 pm #796152
Never listen to what a man says, they mean most of it only in the moment unless actions and words match. And over the long haul. This man gave you verbal warnings and you kept seeing him.
He was letting you down easy in his text and instead of letting him go, you shared that you thought it went well… which I have no idea why you said that.
Any further interaction with him would end up in heartbreak.
Your only text to him should be:
“Thank you for your honesty, I wish you the best.”
Which is what you should have said to start.July 12, 2020 at 8:04 pm #796167
He isn’t deserving of your head space. Delete his contact and erase him from your mind.July 12, 2020 at 8:17 pm #796168
Saying you thought it went well seems like you were trying to persuade him to feel differently. Given what he said initially about losing interest after sex, its actually pretty decent of him to have text to say its not working for him. He could have led you on to get sex and he could have just ghosted you.
Not much else to say here – he has told you how he feels so i am not sure what is confusing??July 13, 2020 at 9:38 am #796200
I saw your new thread and read about the text messages you exchanged. I think he did the right thing. He told you the truth about him and that is very rare. He basically said things were just physical for him and it’s not enough to see things going anywhere.
You shouldn’t have responded the way you did, but since you did there is no turning back. Hopefully, you haven’t kept responding to him and made yourself look desperate and needy.
If a guy sent me a text such as his, I’d probably say something like “thanks for the honesty, I wasn’t feeling it either. Take care” and leave it at that. You agreed with him that “it sucks” there isn’t going to be more, I’d never let a guy know I was disappointed after being rejected. I DO NOT like men to know when I’m hurt, just how I am.