Did he ever care about me/how does he feel about me now?


Home Forums Break Up Advice Did he ever care about me/how does he feel about me now?

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  • #356274 Reply
    Erin

    Recently, I was forced to call it quits with a guy I had been dating for 4 months and I can’t get over him, I feel like I was duped. He came into my life shortly after I had just broken up with my boyfriend of 5 years in December, and never thought I would ever find love or anyone else ever again. I am currently a pharmacy student, and I met this new guy (who is a pharmacist) when I walked into his store one day, we connected physically and emotionally after he came out from behind the counter to help me find something. We had a 15 minute discussion about the pharmacy profession, where he’s from, what made him move to the city I’m currently in, etc. I gave him my number and 10 minutes later he texted me asking me out for drinks. The rest is history.

    As time went on, he took me on the most amazing dates I had ever been on. They were so creative and well thought-out. We hung out maybe 2-3 times per week, and being with him was the first time I had felt alive again after the horrible break-up I had been through. He embraced me as a person, didn’t try and stifle my independent and wild personality, thought I was hilarious, everything my ex tried to conceal about me. Even when we went out together it’s like we could be best friends and drinking buddies as well as romantic date partners, it felt so comfortable. We also had the same values that me and my ex didn’t have: he was a Catholic, conservative, family-oriented pharmacist who had the exact same sense of humor as me. All traits I am looking for in a mate. As time went on, we became closer and closer: we spoke every day, hung out more, I met his friends and he met mine. He told me his friends loved me and they even told me that me and him were teh same exact person and that he never brings girls around. He said I was the first girl that he’s ever dated that he introduced to his friends because he “wanted to show me off.” He told me he felt so comfortable with me and like “he had known me in a different life” which is exactly how I felt. I have dated many people at age 26 and never have felt such a powerful, fateful connection like I did with him.

    One part i should mention was after our first date, I slept with him which is something I NEVER do and don’t even believe in. I was pretty drunk and he was pretty persistent, so it was hard to say no. I didn’t want to do this again, but it’s hard to stop after youv’e already done it. We have amazing sexual chemistry and would sleep together after every time we hung out. I always stayed the night at his place and I thought things were going great. On our second date he told me “he doesn’t want a relationship right now,” (which I know is always a cop out excuse) but I was fine with that because I didn’t want one either after just going through a break-up. I thought I could just have fun and be casual with him since I wasn’t in the mindset for a relationship either. He made most of the effort to see me and talk everyday even on days where we wouldn’t have plans to hang out, we would talk. We even had intense deep conversations about his family issues, how he regrets not being close with his dad, how awful his ex was, etc. I honestly felt like he could be the one.

    Also something I’m a bit ashamed to mention, my gut kind of told me I shouldn’t trust him and that he probably has multiple partners/might be playing me since he was so quick to take me back to his place after date 1 and have sex with me. I would look through his phone when he was sleeping at night and sure enough, he was having sex with several other girls and taking some on dates. As time went on, all i could conclude from his phone was that I was the “favorite girl”, the bottom bitch, that he saw consistently and was the only one he actually called and would sleep in his bed with him at night. Every weekend if we didn’t see each other, we would always meet up and I would stay the night with him. I rationalized this behavior the whole time because he was single, we weren’t official, so he could do what he wants as could I. Until it started to bother me was when I knew I had to have a monogamy talk because I was getting in too deep.

    As things started toh eat up and we got closer, he randomly mentioned to me one day that his family was coming to visit from out of state with exact dates of when they would be there. I just said that’s awesome and he should be excited, but didn’t know if this meant he wanted me to meet them or not. I asked if I should expect not to see him during that time, and all he said was “I’m not sure what we have planned but I should be around.”

    the story ends this way: last weekend when he called me after the bar to come over and I agreed, i took a cab over to his place with my friends. I caught him with some random disgusting girl on the side of a car making out with her and holding hands. I couldn’t believe I was actually watching this, got out of the cab and bitched him out, and had the cabbie drive me home. I was humiliated and hurt. He blew my phone up the whole ride home, said he was drunk and tried making up some horrible lie about how it wasn’t what it seemed. I obviously didn’t buy it and told him to never speak to me again.

    The next day after a night of ignoring his texts and calls, he sends me a text that says “I just want to apologize for lying about last night. It was really immature and stupid and I never wanted to hurt you. I met that girl on my street while I was walking home from the bar. I actually cared about you which is something I haven’t done in a long time, and I didn’t want to lose you which is why I lied. I just hope if we see each other in the future we can talk and be friends.” I obviously had no desire to be friends, but met up with him to have a closure talk about everything I never had a chance to say to him before. I told him I had never gotten into this wanting a relationship, but after getting to know him I realized how much I liked him and I wanted monogamy and thought he really liked me and may haev felt the same way. He said he does cares about me and like me, which is why he kept hanging out with me, but doesn’t want a relationship and has no idea when he will. I admitted I had been looking through his phone for months and knew he was dating others and that he had lied to my face about it, and he said although he took girls on dates, I was the only one he was actually “dating” consistently. I ended things right there with a hug and a broken heart.

    It’s been over a week and he hasn’t tried speaking to me. My question is this: did he mean waht he said and ever actually like or care about me? Is he so damaged that he really doesn’t want a relationship? I was always the best version of myself around him, never too clingy, never asked for much, did my own thing and was always drama free and happy around him. I honestly thought I could hook him since I knew I was the favorite all along and we were getting closer. I just can’t fathom that this was all fake and never what it seemed and that he never cared. I am so selective when it comes to guys and it takes me forever to get over them, and I feel stupid for being so upset after a guy I only dated for 4 months. I just can’t fathom that he felt nothing for me and that this is really over, even though it is right now.

    #356279 Reply
    Juliette

    Hi Erin
    I’m really sorry for the pain you must be going through right now. Please be gentle with yourself and be thankful that you now know the truth about him and aren’t wasting anymore time. It is possible that he is too damaged to ever have a relationship or it is possible that he is just out having fun. He may have had feelings for you or he may not have, all that matters is the way he was not able to behave respectfully toward you. Although it is hard, as women, to not have all of the answers and explanations we crave, sometimes you just have to listen to your gut and let it all go. Spend a little time on your own to heal and to figure out what you are looking for and also what your future boundaries will be. When you are ready to meet someone again, try to leave sex off the table until they have proven themselves worthy of your trust and your heart. In the first month or so it is good to avoid too many drinks and also try to avoid house dates. You will get over this guy and when you meet the one who is worthy, you will look back and wonder what you ever even saw in him. Good luck Erin.

    #356280 Reply
    Noelle

    Erin,

    I’m sorry you’re going through this. I completely understand how you feel and it seems that he did care for you as much as he can care for anyone right now.

    I am personally a fan of NC when you aren’t getting what you want. I know it is painful and hard to wait it out but you’ll get an answer either way. Either he will contact you because he can’t stand not seeing you anymore or he will leave you alone. If it’s the first then you have to make sure you get what you want and leave no room to be misunderstood by him, make sure you hash it all out. If he leaves you alone then you know it’s not worth it. No relationship can really exist being only one-sided.

    It has got to be a great feeling to have been able to be yourself with someone though, don’t lose that feeling just because it didn’t work out with this one guy. :)

    #461386 Reply
    Sarah

    So there’s this guy when I first met him I thought he was the most self centered guy in the world but then I got to know him n we were talking/dating (not in a realationship) for a while during that time he told me about an ex girlfriend that he was in love with but he said she used him and played with his mind n he was getting over her. We continued to talk/date but like anybody we did have a few minor bumps in the road each time we started back up again. Then one day he didn’t reply to my texts or anything didn’t even see him so I go on social media and there he is with his ex girlfriend I was hurt I didn’t text or call him for about a month didn’t see him either in that time I had gotten into a rather mentally abusive relationship and he saw me crying after months of not seeing each other and he was kind to me and helped me get out that relationship (him and his ex were at the time over) after that we picked back up talking/dating for a couple months n during that time I would ask about the ex and he would give me the same thing “I’m done with her completely” but then one day he just suddenly doesn’t reply for two hours something he doesn’t do so I shrug it off saying he might be busy. So I get a notification that says someone blocked me I go check and its him I go on his social media and it says there back together. He didn’t even tell me so I’m wondering if he ever even cared about me. He says she plays with his mind but he plays with mine. I’m currently so confused and hurt I don’t know what to do. I just want to know from anyone else’s opinion did he ever love me or care for me like he said he did or was I just a temporary thing for when him and his ex were fighting

    #461391 Reply
    Sherri

    Sarah he was never avbl to love anyone. Please move on. First heal from your relationship before dating anyone else otherwise you will never be able to hold a healthy relationship.

    #461577 Reply
    Teresa

    Erin and Sarah,
    I’m going through something similar but with time it will make sense. I dated a guy for 4 months, he dumped me for his ex, she was unfaithful but just 2 months after our breakup he got married. I was loyal and gave all my love. He said he took it for granted. He told me what I wanted to hear, he cared, he missed me and realized what he lost. With his words, his actions does not show it. No matter how much I hoped and wanted to believe him. I didnt feel the way i should, when he says hes there for me and cares, he isnt, all i get is hurt and heartache. I love him but he’s still the same guy I used to date.Even when he said he loved me and didn’t know if he loved her. He still picked her. He has to live with what he wants. I’m glad he picked her because I would still be hurt. I could have married him and he would still be thinking about his ex like he is thinking about me while he is with her. As much as I cared and loved him, it makes sense to keep them in your life but it’s also a reason for them to not be in your life. Also when I told him how much it bothers me when he doesn’t text back because I have anxiety, so I worry a lot. He still doesn’t respond sometimes. As long as it’s not him hurting, he doesnt care. We should feel loved and not question why he’s doing this that hurts us. This too shall pass.

    #461586 Reply
    Amy S

    Erin this guy is being clear, he doesnt want a relationship. You stayed with him hoping you could persuade him otherwise. He does like you and thats why you have been hanging out but when he has told you upfront its not a relationship then you cant expect monogamy and relationship behaviour from him. You have to respect his wishes, if he doesnt want a relationship its his perogative. For now i would try and look after yourself, work on your self esteem and confidence but you cant continue with this guy as he wants different things from you and will potentially rip your heart to shreds. Hard as it is for now at least he has told you upfront wnat his intentions are and you can get over this and move on from the pain soon. x

    #461620 Reply
    SthrnBelle

    Well, harsh honesty, you were not duped, fooled or anything of the like. He was very honest with you and told you from the beginning that he did NOT want a relationship. When guys say it they mean it.

    Mistake number one a woman can do is to think he will change and they think they are ok with this arrangement when they should know better. Fact is that a woman may just want fun and something not overly committed but generally over time if things go well they become emotionally invested. This is big trouble. Girl likes guy more than guy likes girl. Girl wants commitment while guy obviously does not.

    This is such a common scenario that I would never ever get into one of these FWB situations for that reason. Very rarely it does happen that a guy changes his mind, it happened to me and it became very serious until the guy cheated on me and was forced to leave too and realized that he did not want something more serious because he is not capable of it.

    Many of these guys are built this way and they will not have anything more; they are emotionally unavailable, commitment phobic, etc. Perhaps this sounds like an overstatement and while they may change one day, many do not and do not expect them to.

    Look for a man who wants a relationship and wants one with you and is ready to commit to you eventually. You just fell into the trap of the most dangerous type of man. Really sorry about this but nothing you can do. He may contact you again but it will be for another hook up and for an ego boost.

    I am not bashing the guy but I understand how you feel, yet I have to conclude by saying that he never fooled you, he told you the bare truth from the beginning and never led you on. Until you stopped being ok with it, it worked. And yes he cared some, he liked you but now he is no longer interested as you want more than he does, plain and simple you were more invested. He is leaving you alone since you two are not on the same page, he is letting you move on, fair enough and he has plenty other girls that entertain him.

    The only thing I do not get is why you got jealous if you have known all along that he had other dates and hook ups? (I am going to leave along the subject of digging in someone else´s phone for now).

    #461621 Reply
    SthrnBelle

    Sarah only those can play with you whom you allow. He never would have played with you if you had some respect for yourself and expected respect from him but you never did so why would he have had to give it to you? Understand that this is at least as much your fault as it is his. Yes he acted in a cruel way at the end and several times but again you let him and gave the message that it is ok to treat you in any way he wants to. It should have been obvious to you that he was not over his ex from the beginning, a big red flag and it was really obvious after they got back together. How do you know that she is playing with his mind? They all say so in similar situations but you have no idea. Anyhow, the guy is into that girl and not you, never been into you, you should have never relied on him to get you out of another bad relationship you got yourself into. Please work on yourself to build up some self esteem and start thinking about how you relate to men and how you would them to relate to you. YOU need to change in order for men to treat you better.

    #461622 Reply
    SthrnBelle

    Teresa, Sarah please post your own threads, you will get more responses too. Read the articles here and the forum, you will learn a lot. There is a pattern here of getting yourselves into self destructive relationships with men. Teresa this guy never loved you, he loved his now wife and you were the rebound which you allowed and on top of that you acted pathetic and desperate asking him to text back and this is never attractive. Another thing I am reading here which shocks me is the expectation of a guy texting back within two hours. Wow, this is totally wrong, first, do not text, let them, second, it is ok for a guy to not have to check in with you every five minutes. Again I repeat find the resources on the site and use them to your advantage so you do not sabotage your own lives.

    #461623 Reply
    Jessica

    This guy does not want a relationship, he made that clear. Unfortunately, he made that clear only after you slept with him. I know this is not your norm, so you will probably not make this mistake again. If you are looking for a relationship, make sure the guy is too and is interested in having one with you, before you invest any further in him and especially before you sleep with him. Sleeping with him is what messed with your heart, even though your head was telling you to beware. This is why you looked in his phone – your gut was telling you to run and it was trying to find you evidence to get your legs moving. I’m not condoning the snooping, but it proved to you what he already told you – at least he was honest about it from the beginning (or second date). Always listen to your instincts!!!

    And to the other point, I don’t believe you can ever hook a FWB – there are so many posters on here who keep trying in vain but the chances of that happening are very slim. If you want a relationship, the way to ‘hook’ a guy is for him to be attracted to you and to respect you – I don’t think guys ever respect a FWB situation. You can lure him in naturally but not by having sex with him. He has to know that you don’t jump into bed with any guy – that way he knows he’s special and you are a prize. Only in that situation, might you be able to hook a guy who may not have been ‘ready’ for a relationship with other girls. So don’t give away your prize to guys who have not shown they are worthy. Be you, but protect yourself and don’t set yourself up for pain. There is the occasion when two people realize they are perfect together and sleep together and are crazy in love early, get committed and married quickly and live happily ever after, but this is very rare. Just my take.

    #461665 Reply
    Lane

    Hi Erin,

    Agree with others that you were not duped. He was VERY CLEAR about his intentions with you (casual), you simply refused to hear them and believed if you could show him how awesome you were he would change his mind. Sorry but men don’t operate that way and pretty much know very early whether you’re someone they would be willingly give up their FREEDOM for. I get you didn’t expect to connect/bond with him the way you did but as a woman you should NEVER rely on a man’s actions alone—the correct formula is WORDS + ACTIONS = TRUTH. Both words and actions need to mesh up on a consistent basis and if his words don’t match his actions, or actions don’t match his words then you’re setting yourself for heartache when he walks away because you want more than what he’s capable or wanting to give to a woman.

    You were so wrapped up in his actions that you completely ignored his words and fell into the same trap a lot of woman do today which is why WORDS are just as important in order to establish where a mans heads at first and then where he wants to take you: a relationship; companionship; casual; or nowhere. Men who want a relationship are very OBVIOUS its the ones’ who aren’t (mixed signals, questions, confusion, etc.) are the one’s you really need to be leery of and .

    For instance a man can dig a hole (actions) but if he isn’t telling you WHY he’s digging it (words) then all you have is an empty hole. Until you know the INTENT and MEANING behind a man’s actions then you cannot fully assess him or his character (honesty, integrity, morals/ethics, loyalty, etc.) which is why you ended up where you did and hopefully this will be a teaching lesson of what not to do the next time.

    #461686 Reply
    Stefanie

    I’ve now been on this site on and off for 11 months and I can recall only a few OPs who were having FWBs successfully. Almost always the girl thinks she can handle it, and it all ends up in tears.

    You are young… so you just went on the FWB ride and you now know it’s not for you. Many rides at the fairground to choose from that feel better than this. Sorry you got hurt. You MUST listen when a man says he doesn’t want a relationship. A girl’s gotta walk when she hears that rather than take it as a challenge to win him over or be The Girl who proves him wrong and shows him how great she is and how much he will be missing if he doesn’t snatch her up.

    #461998 Reply
    Teresa

    Sthrn Belle

    Did I say that I told him to text me back or sent multiple text. No I said I told him it bothers me, as this was a talk awhile back with him. I did not ask for advice. As I’m telling them my situation and realizing everything and telling them what I have learned from my story. Don’t call me desperate or pathetic when I was the strong one to know that he doesn’t deserve to be in my life and isn’t anymore. I know he doesn’t love me the way he loved her as I have said he still picked her, his words don’t match his actions. I told my story to see if they can relate and hopefully realize something, just like I did.

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