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- This topic has 8 replies and was last updated 3 years, 6 months ago by
MowMow.
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Heather
I took the last year off of dating due to Covid and other factors. Deciding it was time to get back on the horse, I set up an OKCupid profile. In the past, I’ve been told I look younger than my age and mostly asked out by younger guys. I got an intro from a man yesterday saying “are you really 42?” I assumed he meant I must be younger, haha. When I jokingly said “yes indeed, are you really 48?” he responded that he thinks I’m lying because my photos look OLDER than 42. My confidence sank to the floor. My friends tell me he’s likely an internet troll just trying to make women feel bad about themselves, but who knows. I went on a date today and it was all I could think about, I just kept imagining that he was focused on how old I look. I’m so frustrated with myself for listening to this jerk and not being able to brush it off. How do I regain my confidence?
Raven
If your confidence is destroyed by one jackass, who you don’t even know, you’re not ready to date…
Heather
Raven, that’s my thought too, but I then I don’t know when or if I ever will be. I’ve done so much inner work: meditation; therapy; read Stoic philosophy and Buddhist teachings constantly, and I’m still this wounded, fragile ego. I’m happy with myself in my own company, so I think maybe I should just be alone. I’m feel very sad and defeated by this.
T from NY
I hope you can internalize that feelings are not facts. And feelings are never final. They are just information. We can accept that information without assigning great value to it. This man is definitely a sadist troll who has no life because why else would he bother? Keep up the good work you’ve been doing. And it’s true that what we get upset about or have high energy about is something we haven’t fully processed, come to a place of acceptance about etc. I’ve experienced loads of ageism since beginning dating in my 40s. There are times it stings. But then I just ACKNOWLEDGE to myself that’s MY stuff. Then I don’t JUDGE myself – just keep moving forward, re-focusing on positive things.
It’s taken me years of HARD work, as well as current daily practice, to process my biz, feel good about me, release any ridiculous notion of perfection and truly BELIEVE I am a damn catch. Now I’ve come so far I wonder I’ll ever meet someone good enough for me (kidding, sort of not kidding 😊)
Keep pushing forward being good to you. Take more time if you need it. OR keep moving forward with dating, acknowledging your anxieties, but practicing not letting them consume you. Any man not falling for you – exactly as you are, at this moment — is not the man for you anyhow.
Read Ask Polly online. She’s every boss ass woman’s self love bible. Good luck
Heather
Amazing advice, T from NY. I really appreciate it!
sugar
please dont listen to whoever said you are not ready to date just because youve felt hurt by someone who intentionally wanted to hurt you. you are human and will forever have feelings. there is nothing wrong with your feelings and insecurities. you are lovely as you are. remember that every fish in dis sea has different preferences, including you. just continue being honest 100% in every relationship you find yourself in. guess wat? i appreciate your honesty and recommend you never stop sharing how you feel. block the guy who sent you the message (i honestly wouldnt give him the time of day) and go on to the wonderful field of dating. much love
Sensy
A person who is in pain would wrote such a thing. Keep loving yourself!
Sensy
*write
MowMow
I used to get hung up on that kind of thing too, then I met a guy my own age who doesn’t even care if I look my age or not – he just tells me I’m sexy and beautiful all the time. So don’t even worry whether you look 42 or 38 or 46. Someone who really likes you isn’t going to care about a few years either side.
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