New guy asked for my body count

I haven’t written about this yet, but we all (men and women) have to navigate a new cultural landscape.

These days both men and women have media figures whispering in their ear about how their love life should or shouldn’t look.

I know women do (because I’ve been in this field for over 20 years), but men have it just as much.

And BOTH sides have prominent, exploitative voices at the top. I’m not saying that’s all of them, nor am I saying there isn’t also helpful, thoughtful important messaging at the top.

But in today’s landscape, we all need to be aware of the prominent messaging on both sides in order to navigate the dating field.

I wish it weren’t this way, but it is…

Specific to this post: Men’s media is now infused with love life advice. Some of it is good and thoughtful; some of it is incendiary.

But when you boil it all down, the underlying message of the incendiary-brand advice for men is “don’t be a sucker”.

That hits a nerve deep in every man’s psychology. No man wants to be a “sucker” or a “loser” or to be “exploited”. Women don’t either, but I believe it carries a different kind of sting for men…

So for the influencers and advice givers, their catch-all trick is to frame up different female behaviors and tie it to that feeling: she’s trying to make you a sucker, she’ll betray you, she’ll screw you over, you can’t trust her, etc.

I bring this up because, like it or not, we live in this cultural landscape now.

For every woman that has someone whispering in her ear that he’s a “narcissist” or “emotionally abusive” or “has an avoidant-attachment style” or some other psychology-flavored scarlet-letter attached to him, men have similar advice whispering to them.

To be clear: I’m not even saying that all the advice on the men’s or women’s side is without basis or outright unworthy of consideration.

However, I take great issue with the implied prescriptions of all the sensational “help” out in the space now for men and women.

The formula is simple:

1. Cold read their situation: “Is this thing happening in your situation?” (If they’re looking at relationship advice at all, chances are, it is.) The influencer describes the situation better than the viewer/reader could themselves. The viewer/reader thinks, “Oh wow, this is exactly like what I’m going through!” (Even if it only partially is — just like astrology or fortune telling, people enjoy applying what fits to themselves and ignoring what doesn’t… again, it’s a “cold read”.)

2. Tell them it could mean something terrible about the man/woman: They hedge (so they sound reasonable). They say, “Look, this isn’t everyone, but sometimes if a person is doing XYZ, it means they’re a [irredeemable terrible label].” The reader/viewer thinks, “I don’t know about this… I mean, they fit that description, but I don’t think they’re some kind of demon…”

3. They plant the landmine: They say, “Look… it’s not everyone. But here’s how you know they’re a [irredeemable terrible label].” Then they give you some test DESIGNED to provoke the partner into displaying the “proof” that they’re a [irredeemable terrible label]. The so-called test will be designed to provoke a predictable reaction from the other person because it’s constructed to be passive-aggressive, a veiled confrontation, or an implied insult. The reader/viewer doesn’t realize this because they’re taking in this information uncritically. After all, an “expert” is telling them this is the test!

4. The reader/viewer does the test and, surprise, the partner fails it, “proving” they’re a [irredeemable terrible label]. Now the reader/viewer thinks maybe they’re dating a monster and goes back to the “expert” to learn more. They now have a new subscriber taking their first step into a long road of indoctrination.

For women, this is all the content about “narcissists”, “emotional abuse”, etc.

For men, this is all the content about “gold-diggers”, “hos”/”former-hos”, hypergamy, etc.

Now again, I have to make it clear that I’m not saying these discussions are outright bad or wrong.

I’ve read several books on narcissists (defined both in the clinical sense and the pop-psychology sense) — they covered scenarios and topics that are worthy of scrutiny and awareness.

Here’s where I take issue… we have to look at the full picture of today’s world. This culture is saturated with media-influence.

Even if you (or a guy) aren’t an avid media consumer (no social media or TV), we still passively absorb it since we live in a society of people who do.

Most people consume some amount of media, and sooner or later that media will touch on today’s zeitgeist of psychologizing their partner as a “secret villain”.

That’s really what it boils down to…

Everyone, sooner or later, has an “influencer” in their ear, whispering ideas about how their partner (or the person they’re starting to date) might be a “secret villain”.

Sure, you didn’t see it on the surface immediately, but don’t worry—the “expert” or “influencer” will explain why you missed it. And they’ll tell you how to discover that this person is actually secretly angling to abuse you/screw you over.

Are there bad people in the world? People you’d be better off not having in your life?

Absolutely.

And is it a good thing if someone reveals that someone is actually bad to have in your life if they really are?

Absolutely.

That’s what makes this tricky to discuss… there’s a huge benefit for the people who really do need this help.

The issue is that that’s not most people. It’s a very specific subset of people, a very, very small %.

But we live in a world where “experts” and “influencers” need to market themselves continuously.

And it’s not lost on me that technically I fall into the “expert” category… There are many ways to present yourself, but being in this field gives me a different perspective on making content since I create content myself.

To bring all this in for a landing: On its face, asking about a body count seems rude and invasive. I’m not disputing that.

However, I think this is an important opportunity to reflect on what’s going on with our culture.

The social media influencers often want to frame it as “men vs women”.

I don’t have that view at all. If anything, I feel that the men & women of our society are largely misled and exploited… I feel bad for both men & women who are led down self-destructive paths, often with good-hearted intentions every step of the way.

To say it succinctly: Men and women both have “experts” whispering in their ear telling them they need to be careful of secret abuse/exploitation.

And the biggest consumers of this advice? Single men & women!

It makes men & women paranoid, and to assuage their fears, they might test their potential dating-partner in off-putting ways.

In time, good people will have their fears laid to rest, so long as they’re putting their trust in their own awareness/instincts and not filtering everything through an “expert” (an “expert” that will lose them as a viewer if they are actually in a good relationship btw!).

The TL;DR:

In today’s culture, both men & women are paranoid. They don’t want to be abused or exploited. This paranoia can make men and women act in off-putting ways—not because they’re assholes at their core, but because they’re afraid.

Culturally, we need to find a way forward beyond this current fearmongering era of love advice. I have compassion for every man and woman who’s had their mind twisted into a pretzel by influencers who’ve made them cynical, bitter, paranoid and numb.

Yes, we all need to be aware of harmful people. But we also need to be understanding and compassionate. We need to recognize the state of the culture and what it does to well-meaning men and women.

– Eric