This topic contains 21 replies, has 1 voice, and was last updated by Jessica 3 weeks, 5 days ago.
February 18, 2019 at 4:36 pm #740246
I was in an abusive relationship before and got out as soon as I saw early warning signs of abuse. My friends and family said that a guy like that won’t change since you can’t change a man unless he wants to. When I was with him he wanted to change but he went back to his old ways. We even went counselling together.
I’m just wondering whether he’d treat the next girl the same? If not, then a man can change depending on what girl he’s with, if she was the right girl, he wouldn’t abuse her would he?
Just my own opinion.February 18, 2019 at 4:38 pm #740248
Yes.February 18, 2019 at 4:54 pm #740249
Sounds like you think this was about you.
Yeah, sure he might not abuse the next one… if she’s a total doormat and does everything he says exactly perfectly. Which will last a little while before he’s triggered by her or something else.
The only way he would not abuse the next one is if he recognizes he has a problem and gets help and changes. Otherwise, he’s 99.9% certain to abuse the next one at some point.
It’s a shame you feel you need to ask and you think that there is some “right” girl who wouldn’t deserve his abuse somehow.
Just be done with him and put it all behind you. It wasn’t your fault. It’s good you spotted it early and got out. Some women marry and stay married to abusers for years.February 18, 2019 at 4:56 pm #740251
No. It’s a long stretch to come to that conclusion. And it’s the reason why even women with high self esteem can fall into the trap of thinking just because a man and woman had issues before, she can be the one to make him better. It happened to me. I was warned the guy I was dating had been abusive to at least two other women. I didn’t want to beleive it. He told me that it wasn’t abuse, that they were just crazy. I took those two aspects and rationized that I was the right woman and we would be just fine. One year in he became verbally abusive. Two years in and started physically hurting me.
Unless the man seeks out help on his own and wants to change and acknowledges he has a major problem, I don’t beleive he will change for the ‘right woman.’
Of course there are support groups for anger management and therapy and all that, but even if a man agreed I would not live in the same home unless he proved he was working the program and making significant progress. And even then… it only takes one blow up to do a woman significant harm.
I would never suggest a woman try to stick around or assume she can fix an abusive man.February 18, 2019 at 4:56 pm #740252
I am done with him. I just wanted other people’s opinion on the matter. I don’t want to be with him anymore.February 18, 2019 at 9:07 pm #740273
Yes he will. it takes years and years of hard work to change, even if the person wants to change. Even if they understand what’s going on with them.
This is not something a person can control easily. It comes from their deeper nature, their emotions, their upbringing, their culture, their everything.
He might last longer with the next girl before “feeling comfortable” to be himself. If the girl is assertive and can stand up for herself, they are unlikely to continue their relationship, as he won’t be able to unleash his demons.
That’s why abusive men always go for weak women with low self esteem and kinder nature. The type of women who are willing to “understand” and “forgive” . Not the type who thinks of herself first and values HER life and her emotions.
If someone insults and upsets you, then how low do you need to value your life to continue to take it? Ultimately this is what it boils down to. Self preservation and self protection. And then strength and emotional stamina. If you are weak emotionally you won’t stand up for yourself LOLFebruary 18, 2019 at 9:50 pm #740280
Better off Single
It comes with willing to change and what she will allow. The beginning stages set the bar for the rest of the time you’re together with someone. I’d say the first 2 years are the most important.February 19, 2019 at 6:51 am #740297
I have to point out that people can change if they want to but with years of experience and learning and getting help. I grew up with an abusive father and when they divorced, my father didn’t meet anyone until 20 years later. He’s loving to her and told us that he can’t be bothered to argue and fight anymore, it’s just not worth it.
Having said that, that was why I was in an abusive relationship cos I was seeking affection from my partner that I didn’t get from my father and seeking approval and trying to change him cos no one else would do.February 19, 2019 at 6:53 am #740298
Plus, my step mother is very feisty and stubborn so there’s no way of winning a battle with her.February 19, 2019 at 6:57 am #740299
And call me whatever you want but I guess the only reason for this post is because I still care about him, can’t help it and is just to make myself feel better that the girl he’s with now can suffer the same as me.February 19, 2019 at 2:07 pm #740330
People can change for the better but they have to want to change and they have to first of all accept they need to change and be willing to work hard at it. A lot of abusers dont really know what they are doing and or dont want or feel the need to change. I guess it depends on how bad he is and how much he wants to be in a relationship that is loving and healthy. xFebruary 19, 2019 at 4:46 pm #740342
@Amy S…”abusers don’t know what they are doing..”. I don’t think this is the case. We all live in the same world, we all know what it feels like when someone insults us. They do not live in isolation, they talk to other people. They simply allow themselves to unleash their deep rooted demons whenever they fee like. If their partner allows them to. A very strong woman can live with an abusive man, but it would be a constant battle field. Why experience this?
The abusive father of 20 years later..well when people get old they soften up. LOL and he also has a very strong new wife.
People do not change easily, this is not the right mind set to be in when dating. You need to be bale to walk away from situations that can potentially cause you harm. If he manages to change, great for him, but for you it is better to find someone who does not have an abuse in him.February 20, 2019 at 12:01 am #740383
“And call me whatever you want but I guess the only reason for this post is because I still care about him, can’t help it and is just to make myself feel better that the girl he’s with now can suffer the same as me.”
That is REALLY screwed up. You’d be happy that someone else might be abused. But not surprising, it was a pretty screwed up question. You obviously want him back at some level.
There are some messed up people posting here.February 20, 2019 at 12:07 am #740384
You are really messed up. I’m appalled that your sense of satisfaction is that he abuses the next woman. Any normal woman would try to warn the new women and even if not going there, certainly would feel bad for her, not happy for yourself. That’s f—d up. This daddy complex you have can also be addressed. So sad a woman would wish bad for another woman and get satisfaction the way you do. It means you are doomed to find more abusive men in your life.February 20, 2019 at 12:54 am #740387
OK @Jessica, I’m going to call you shockingly sad, pathetic, massively immature and in need of a lot of counseling. I can’t believe you thought that, much less wrote it in public.
Grow the hell up and take responsibility for your life. At at certain point, you’re an adult and in charge of what your choices are and it doesn’t matter who did what to you in the past. Blaming your father and step-mother will keep the same sick patterns you’re running firmly in place.
@Emma, abusers are so f—-ed up they don’t really know what they are doing, or they would be doing better. It’s not logical and it’s not conscious.
Case in point. Jessica here wishing the next girl gets abused is wrong but she’s too f—ed to be able to do better.February 20, 2019 at 1:16 am #740388
Yes, his behavior could continue, get worse, and ruin other lives. Evenif he wants to change, he may NOT BE ABLE TO. My ex wanted sincerely to be a better man, support me in my illness, be my hero & savior. He tried, failed, and is just fine telling himself that he did his best. For all I know, it was. He would ‘Black-Out’ while hitting me or arguing, still says he has happy memories. He broke three of my ribs, gave me a concussion, I have lesions on my brain from the trauma. He watched me pass out (from shock) and just stood there, didn’t even call 911 or anything. I believe him when he says he is sorry. I also believe he has no idea what he did or is and is not. He suffers as I do, but in a different area..We both fight demons. I am a warrior, he is in need of God.February 20, 2019 at 10:31 am #740415
I’m sorry guys. It’s just I’m just so upset and I have so much anger towards him I’ve taken my anger out on other people. I do apologise.February 20, 2019 at 11:41 pm #740473
Simply assuming that kind women have low esteem is not right.February 21, 2019 at 12:00 am #740474
Emma has no clue about abuse. She’s in a marriage where she sees other guys on the side.February 21, 2019 at 12:19 pm #740590
I have 4 years experience being in a relationship with an abusive man. Trust me they do not change.
When I first met him, he told me his ex was the crazy one, he admitted hitting her because SHE made him lose his patient with her too many times. That’s his excuse. Later on I found out that the girl he was with before his ex was slapped occasionally too. And my case was worse than the last two, because I refused to be under his control. I got name called from A to Z. He bust my lip, bruised my eyes, almost choked me, I received 3 stitches across my head on one occasion. I lost my friends and my esteem. I left him countless times but they always have a way to make you feel like they are changing, he even went counselling, sent me flowers, stayed on great behaviour for a while, then you just see yourself back with him. It was hard to get out. Took me 4 years to leave for good and finally file for a restraining order because he started to stalk my whereabouts. Abusers know they are doing wrong but they feel justified for it because they truly believe there reaction is right. He never did change, there is 3 women in his life who can vouch for that.
So I do believe once he gets comfortable with his new girlfriend, he will surely harm her as well. The part where you feel satisfaction if the girl is abused as well isn’t what you’re really trying to say I hope, I think you want to see this happened to validate what happened to you that it wasn’t because of you, I think you want people to know that the problem wasn’t you. And if he does it to her then it will show that it wasn’t because you weren’t the right woman, but because he is an abuser.
In my case, deep down I hope to see him get into a relationship just so to be proven correct that his behaviour stayed with him regardless who he is with. But in no way do I wish the potential new girl the torment. I don’t wish it even for my enemies.February 21, 2019 at 12:39 pm #740612
What you are feeling is so common Jessica there’s actually a word for it in German… schadenfreude.
you are not broken or a horrible person for feeling natural human emotions. I am sure every person here has felt jealousy, envy, and the rest of the ugly side of emotions.
I think what’s even worse than being honest about our true feelings and sitting with them, is the horrible judgment that people throw on others knowing full well they themselves are flawed human beings. They know the words they give you will hurt you. As Emma said, they live in the same world that we do. So the posters here trying to hurt you, also known as abusers, are no better when they try to make you feel bad. Do you see the irony?February 21, 2019 at 12:39 pm #740614
Sorry, I didn’t mean to steal your name. I was thinking about you when I typed my name. I go by Kt.