Why won’t he sleep with me?

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This topic contains 22 replies, has 1 voice, and was last updated by  Sens 4 months ago.

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  • #759958 Reply


    Hi everyone! I’ve been official with my boyfriend since end of May. We were casually talking a few months prior.

    Now, we are very happy but something has changed. He doesn’t want to have sex. We haven’t really had sex yet, there was one time we almost did fully but I stopped it because we were not at the right place for it. It wasn’t the right time.

    He used to initiate things with me, but the last two times I’ve seen him, he hasn’t tried to have sex with me. I brought it up the first time it happened and asked why we can’t take this next step. He said he wanted to wait and not rush it. But why all the sudden? I even asked if there’s someone else and he told me absolutely not. It’s been a long time for both of us since having sex. He’s 32 and I’m worried he doesn’t have a sex drive. But all the sudden? Should I be worried?
    I asked again the second time and he said he wasn’t feeling as sexual. I’m concerned there’s something going on I don’t know about. Is he depressed? Taking medicine ?

    I really care about him and want to make it work. He says we will sleep together soon, but should I just take him for his word? Or what is going on?

    #759960 Reply


    After a few attempts and still no sex.
    Is he affectionate?

    Do you two make out with heavy petting?
    Perhaps try to set a mood.

    My suggestion is to give it a a few more weeks, then I’d move on.
    He may not be sexually compatible for you. That’s a big deal because many women on here have been devastated by sexless marriages. Their self esteem was practically gone, and some contemplated cheating.

    #759961 Reply

    Liz Lemon

    Have you tried talking to him about what’s holding him back? Medication or depression could cause a lack of interest in sex. But you won’t know unless you ask him.

    It’s definitely unusual for a 32 year old man in a relationship of several months to not want sex at all. I agree with Khadija, if things don’t change you may have to move on. Is there any physical affection at all– cuddling, kissing, making out– how far do things go before he stops it?

    #759962 Reply


    Maybe he’s gay and your his beard. He might have lost interest in you after you turned him down a couple of times.

    #759964 Reply


    The time before last, we did everything besides full sex. This time, he was hungover and didn’t feel well. We only made out this time. I felt him get excited.. for lack of a better word. So I just don’t get what changed. He used to want to, I’m tryinf to be respectful. However, I just want to know what’s going on without beating a dead horse.
    I really love him and just don’t get what’s going on. I don’t want to give up. I just feel a little weird why it’s a sudden change.
    He lost a family member last year and I know it’s been hard for him.
    He holds my hand and we cuddle and he touches me and kisses me on his own. It’s just strange.

    #759965 Reply

    Liz Lemon

    Being hungover is definitely a passion killer.

    How many times has he turned you down? Are we talking a couple of times or is this a pattern where he turns you down regularly?

    Have you asked him directly what’s going on? Communication is a big part of intimacy/sex. It sounds like you two are not communicating.
    Be direct. Tell him you’d like to have sex with him and ask him what’s holding him back.

    #759968 Reply


    It was really just the last two times I’ve been with him for a weekend. But this last time was kind of a special circumstance. We went out and drank too much. But still, I’ll forgive him being sick and hungover. He was vomiting.
    However, I tried bringing it up directly he said him and I have zero issues. He just wasn’t feeling well and he wanted to wait for the right time and make it special. I said isn’t it just special when we are together.
    He said he has rushed it in the past and that’s all I had to go off of. I really don’t think he would be texting, calling and having me meet his family if he didn’t like me. But that’s how this whole thing is making me feel.
    I tried asking what was going on but that’s all I got. He said I promise we will get to that step soon. I’m trying to believe him. He’s a very good man

    #759992 Reply


    Waste of time.

    #759993 Reply


    He’s a good man with no sex drive. Lol

    #760003 Reply


    I’m with omg in this one. He seems gay.

    #760021 Reply


    He is not gay so you can stop those comments now.

    #760023 Reply


    Maybe he is afraid of you getting pregnant. You get naked with the guy but have to ask strangers why he won’t have sex. I don’t know what you expect us to tell you. He already gave you his response.

    #760024 Reply


    He may not be gay but he’s acting like a girl.

    #760027 Reply


    I wouldn’t think just two times is something to worry about. Especially when one of the times he was wasted. Don’t worry yet that there’s a sex drive problem. It could be, but this is way too early to say anything. At this it could be anything. Give it time. Try not to pressure him because he might get even more nervous if he’s dealing with something.

    You said one time you did everything but full-on sex. If during that time he was able to maintain his “excitedness” or was able to finish then that’s a good sign.

    The next time you talk about it maybe ask him what made him think he rushed it in the past? How would it be special for him (so you could help in arranging it). And what would be a special time? I’m curious if you telling him the time/place wasn’t right spooked him, or if he started thinking that’s what was important.

    #760030 Reply


    Anderson, thank you for your reply. It truly does make me feel better.

    I agree with you, I have to give it some time. And this weekend was a special circumstance.

    Full disclosure, we were staying with his family for the weekend and I just didn’t think it was right to do with them in the house for the first time.

    I just wanted to be respectful. But ever since I’ve been very clear on what I want.

    #760042 Reply


    I think you can just ignore the instance when he was so drunk he was puking. If you know he got “excited” then he’s into you. This is too small a sample size to make a judgement. Don’t worry about it and don’t stress him on it either. Let it flow naturally.

    #760056 Reply

    Better off single

    You pushed him away and now you are wondering why?

    #760092 Reply


    I didn’t push him away… I simply did not want to be disrespectful at his family’s home.

    I’ll monitor it. I just have anxiety about it

    #760103 Reply


    Why would you even be in bed with him at his family’s home if you didn’t want to be disrespectful? I don’t know many parent who would give you one bedroom if they were concerned about you having sex. The guy is a dud. Him being excited during foreplay doesn’t mean he likes women.

    #760104 Reply


    Ummmm guys don’t need time to ease into sex. Anderson, a guy can’t have sex after three months? That’s a huge red flag.

    #760114 Reply


    Stacy, apologies for the quick-to-judge comments above. Try not to take every user seriously here, especially @Omg. Anxiety and waiting can suck. If you’re a little at peace now that’s good, but if it gets severe don’t put yourself through that and let him know that it’s causing you distress. Good luck!

    #760135 Reply



    Thanks for being helpful! Made me feel at ease for sure. I’m not going to take those seriously. Thank you and will do

    #760148 Reply


    It looks like he really likes you and is serious about you. It’s only been two times, give it some time to draw conclusions. You have addressed the issue and his response seemed genuine (he has rushed in the past – perhaps it didn’t feel good for him, so with you, he doesn’t want to repeat the same mistake). Not every guy is the same. Some (most) will try to get in your pants as soon as they can, some will have more self control.

    If he is going out with you, introducing you to his family, being affectionate – imo you don’t have to worry too much. It might as well be that after you start having sex, you won’t be able to stop! Enjoy the current phase, watch him and communicate. All the best.

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