This topic contains 28 replies, has 1 voice, and was last updated by Umm 1 month ago.
May 22, 2018 at 11:41 am #703717
I feel like banging my head against the wall every time I see women on here going along with sub-optimal communication from a man (only texting) and when they rely of texting as a main method of communication. And it’s not just men. I see women on here all the time who are uncomfortable talking on a phone and refuse to. How in the world do people hold down careers these days and be afraid of the phone??
I felt compelled to share this article (one of hundreds out there that say the same things) as a result of a post today where a woman said she and her BF text about 100 texts per DAY! And she is upset because he doesn’t always pay attention to everything she texts him.
I am not a fan of over-texting and I really believe that communication techniques and skills, for people who do, are completely lacking. They can’t communicate in ‘real time’ and need the guise of a phone and words on a screen to ‘prepare responses’ hide from uncomfortable discussions, and convey interest, when in fact, most people multi-task when texting – so you never have a person’s full attention.
The following is an article from Psychology Today.
The Trouble with Texting
A few reasons why texting is no substitute for face-to-face communication
Posted Jan 21, 2013
Lately, I’ve noticed more clients using text messages to discuss or argue about unresolved issues in their relationships. As someone who is all thumbs with my thumbs, I’m always amazed that people have the digital dexterity to carry on a reasonably coherent text dialogue for longer than two minutes. But personal challenges aside, texting is not the way to negotiate a relationship.
As texting becomes second nature to a generation reared on iphones, it’s worth noting that human beings were designed to connect with each other on many different levels. UCLA professor Albert Mehrabian found that 58 percent of communication is through body language, 35 percent through vocal tone, pitch, and emphasis, and a mere 7 percent through content of the message.
We all know that good communication is the cornerstone of relationship. So why attempt to resolve a disagreement using only 7 percent of your full expressive potential? Would you run a marathon with 7 percent of your physical strength, or take an important test with 7 percent of your intelligence? Would you host a holiday gathering with only 7 percent of your house cleaned?
And that’s a generous 7 percent. Consider all the annoying slips of finger that can interfere with clear communication. When the difference between “mad,” “sad,” “bad,” and “glad” is an errant thumb, wobbly finger gymnastics can be costly and confusing.
I understand that for some people, texting has become a habitual form of communications. And we all know that some habits are hard to break. But I also believe there are additional reasons why someone might initiate a delicate or difficult conversation via text. Here are a few theories:
1) To avoid revealing vulnerable emotions. No one can hear the trembling or the anger in your voice in a text.
2) To protect oneself from having to hear another person’s distress, whether it be crying, anger, or strain in their voice.
3) To have some control over the conversation, including setting boundaries with difficult or verbose people. Sometimes this can devolve into manipulation, especially if one party refuses to talk on the phone.
4) To expend less energy. Texting requires fewer sentences than talking or emails.
Despite appearances, I am not anti-texting. Like any technology, texting has its place, especially for a quick hello, simple banter, or making plans. But as I tell my clients, it’s always preferable to discuss problems face to face. And when that’s not possible, our smart phones also have digital keypads.. and we have fingers.
May 22, 2018 at 12:11 pm #703726
Honestly I sometimes think texting was the worst thing to happen to dating/relationships!May 22, 2018 at 12:11 pm #703727
My BF didn’t use any emojis in his text to me last night! what does it mean! Is he going to break up with me?May 22, 2018 at 12:16 pm #703729
Better off single
5) to think about what you say before you say it. Instead of saying the wrong thing verbally in the moment.
6) to have a digital leash on the significant other. I suppose that can be added to 3.
Me personally I prefer talking to people face to face and turning the cell off or forgetting I have one.May 22, 2018 at 12:56 pm #703737
Texting is also what low interest men do so they can talk to multiple girls at once. Learned this the hard way when one guy sent me a message meant for someone else. LOL It’s also a great way to not get emotionally attached to someone. (from the guy’s perspective) IMOJuly 9, 2018 at 8:33 pm #712196
It seems extremely frequent that the same people who think texting is “hiding,” also think it’s lovely to send a good old fashioned paper letter.
The telephone was only the standard for 75 years- people had meaningful relationships before that, and now they do afterwards. Phone calls are invasive and thankfully over.July 9, 2018 at 8:57 pm #712199
Phone calls are not invasive when you ask the person ahead of time if they’d like to chat/when a good time is.
I don’t especially like impromptu calls myself (unless they are brief or it’s urgent) but love a “phone date”.
Just as I wouldn’t call a client out of the blue, I’d email them to set up a good time.
There is no substitute for hearing tone of voice. It totally minimizes miscommunication.July 9, 2018 at 10:21 pm #712218
Lol. Invasive? Do you work in business? Sure technology makes things easier, but I guarantee you that you won’t make the sale , get the job, or really connect and solve issues if you can’t communicate like a human one on one.
Do you think CEOs make major decisions based on an email or text?
That’s so crazy and also why al,ost half the posts on here are unhappy women who get so caught up in a few words on a phone and miss the bigger picture of what a relationship really is. If the phone is so invasive and obsolete, why do they still have a talk and Skype function? It’s this mentality that results in bad relationships, no relationships, and crappy jobs.July 9, 2018 at 10:24 pm #712219
And while I agree you can set appointments to talk with a client, you don’t need to set appointments to talk to a loved one, oh he told mom, when’s the best time to call you this week? Oh, bff, an you ink me in for a block of time to talk? Oh honey (bf) when can you fit me on your calendar to talk? Stupid. You all and I feel the person is busy they can tell you and call back when they are free. What with the not calling before asking? People were thrilled with the advent of a phone because it allowed them to talk real time and really communicate outside a hard copy letter. So to ask permission to call is two steps back from the days of sending a mailed letter. Did you ask Simone first if you could send them a letter?July 9, 2018 at 10:34 pm #712224
I don’t ask my mom’s permission before I call because, well, she’s always at home doing nothing.
I do ask friends before I call because they are busy and it’s out of respect, that I wouldn’t expect them to drop everything and have a good long catch up with me.
My BF and I set a time to have a “phone date” because that way we have uninterrupted time.
Sorry you think that’s “stupid” Pam, but it works very well for us. Of course, if I have something urgent I am welcome to call him and vice versa, but we like to spend at least an hour catching up and it’s fun for us.
You sound pretty judgmental! And basically I was even agreeing with you about the texting thing!July 9, 2018 at 10:57 pm #712232
All isaid is that making appointments is ridiculous, most women asking this question are clueless about how to communicate, maybe it’s more obvious to people who know how to communicate in real vs. a text. But I call people all the time on a whim as they do me, did you realize a good smart phone gives you the opportunity to send a text while they are calling to says, I’m busy with work I’ll call you later? Or any other message you want to send? I don’t call people or bf usually during work hours to just chat. But if I know this is their down time and I want to hear their voice and catch up I call without asking permission, technology has made people so stupidl.July 10, 2018 at 12:35 am #712236
YEs – amazingly I DID know that a good smart phone has that capability. It also has the capability to text “wanna catch up tonight or is tomorrow better” I find it odd that on another thread you are chastising lane for being harsh when you obviously have a giant stick up your own butt tonight.July 10, 2018 at 12:43 am #712237
Well at least I’m not using capital letters and exclamation points to scream at people.July 10, 2018 at 8:09 am #712252
Did you receive permission to copy this article Pam?
Did you READ Psychology Today’s terms and conditions?
3(a) We hereby grant you a limited, terminable, non-exclusive right to access and use the Site only for your personal use. This authorizes you to view and download a single copy of the material on the Site solely for your personal, noncommercial use. You must include the following notice in any downloaded materials: “Copyright Sussex Publishers, LLC. Except as otherwise expressly permitted under copyright law, no copying, redistribution, retransmission, publication or commercial exploitation of downloaded material will be permitted without the express written permission of Sussex Publishers, LLC.”
7) Copyrights and Copyright Agent. We have registered a Designation of Agent to Receive Notification of Claims of Infringement with the U.S. Copyright Office, pursuant to Section 512(c) of the Copyright Act.
Maybe you should stop breaking the law instead of calling posters out for silly things, such as CAPS. Just Sayin.July 11, 2018 at 8:00 pm #712578
Wow Pam, no response??? Yiou seem intent on calling me out in other posts yet remained silent on this one??? HmmmmJuly 11, 2018 at 8:01 pm #712580
Wow Lane. Guess you arent getting sexJuly 11, 2018 at 8:02 pm #712581
You just joined the mean girls clubJuly 11, 2018 at 8:03 pm #712582
Funny how it doesn’t take much to show the real selfJuly 11, 2018 at 8:05 pm #712584
I’m Pam. And you just showed you’re true self thank uJuly 11, 2018 at 8:15 pm #712585
I think I will let Eric know about you Lane apparently you don’t do what you preach. You have been really mean on here lately and I have more than enough post space of yours to referenceJuly 11, 2018 at 8:28 pm #712591
You have to admit, Lane, you showed a taunting and ugly side to you, I always appreciated your advice, but this is ugly.July 11, 2018 at 8:30 pm #712592
Go ahead Umm…I’m absolutely sure he will see all the attacks you’ve made against posters on here and realize your one of the many trolls who creates unnecessary discord on his forum. He has access to IP addresses(s) and can easily find all the names you post under too…he’s a pretty smart guy.July 11, 2018 at 8:38 pm #712595
I am doing it now LANE! You used to give constructive advice and now you are just a self rrightous bully. Tell people they don’t act their age and on and on. I have tons of examples. Something isn’t right I need your life right now because you aren’t the kind person helping people. You are the one screaming at people with capital letters,exclamation points and totally demeaning people like the woman who was pregnant. Take a look at your own self in the mirrorJuly 11, 2018 at 8:39 pm #712598
It’s OK, I beat you to it 😁July 11, 2018 at 8:43 pm #712599
Of course you did you have been a snitch and always right since forever. No one can possible be more right than you. Good luck with that