This topic contains 20 replies, has 1 voice, and was last updated by Kate 6 months, 4 weeks ago.
February 20, 2018 at 2:02 pm #689884
There are three guys in my life, all of whom I’ve known for some number of years. I like all of them, quite a lot, for various reasons. How on earth do you pick between three great guys without having some measure of “did I make the right choice, what if this doesn’t work”? Assuming I did choose to get in a serious relationship with one of them, I would likely lose my friendship with the others, and so I’m having a hard time justifying which one to choose.
Thanks for any advice!February 20, 2018 at 2:15 pm #689888
Hi-I am tempted to say if you can’t be easily certain which guy is best,then none of them are right.
I would use pure instinct,intuition emotion to decide this. Logical,practical considerations won’t take the heart into account and IMO that is he most important unless you love a guy you know is a “bad apple”.
Imagine yourself with /married/living with guy one. How does that feel? How does the thought of never seeing guy #2 or guy#3 srike you? Do this with each guy and feel who you would miss most and why. Look for the “full meal deal”. I hope that helps-just my thoughts.February 20, 2018 at 3:21 pm #689906
I’m with Peggy, if you can’t pick which guy is best for you then you are luke warm about all of them!! There was a time when I was online dating and I had 3 really great guys I ended up dating during the same time period. Which was weird because usually I had a streak of losers! LOL But they were all attractive, successful gentlemen who I enjoyed spending time with. They were all pursing me, asking me out, and genuinely showing interest. But it didn’t take me long to realize which one I was hoping it was when my text message dinged or my phone rang.
If you can’t honestly say your heart skips a beat when you realize it’s a message from one and not the others then I wouldn’t get in a serious relationship with any of them!! Sometimes not choosing is a choice!!February 20, 2018 at 5:35 pm #689917
There are no guarantees in love.
If you feel torn and have to weigh the pro’s and cons then you aren’t really interested in these guys.
Find someone you are head over heels in love with.February 21, 2018 at 3:35 am #689948
I agree with Peggy and Kaye. You just know when you’re really into someone, you don’t question it and no one else compares. I think you have to start your search again and find someone who makes you feel that way. All 3 of these men won’t do it for you.February 21, 2018 at 5:36 am #689953
I have a question. Did any of these guys ASK you to be in a relationship?February 21, 2018 at 6:40 pm #690024
In response to Joe, yes, they all did. I put making a firm decision off for a while by saying I’d rather spend a little more time getting to know them before seriously committing to a relationship.
And in response to everyone else, it’s not that I can’t choose because I don’t like any of them enough – at different times, for different reasons, I like them all a lot. (One guy is possibly the kindest guy I’ve ever met, who does such a great job of making me a priority, another one has been a best friend for 5 years and knows me like nobody else, and another is a highschool sweetheart who still cracks me up years later). I’ve never been in a spot like this and it’s proving to be pretty stressful lolFebruary 21, 2018 at 10:26 pm #690037
Hi-they all sound great-I would likely pick the first one,but since they are all good-go for the one you have the most chemistry with.February 22, 2018 at 2:29 am #690052
You know in your gut when you’ve met the right person. None of what you said make me feel you’ve got that with any of them. One is kind, one is a friend and one is an ex. Where’s the “He’s amazing, I can’t get my hands off of him and he sets my world on fire” kind of stuff?!
I still think these are 3 OK men you’re just plodding along with. I’m sure they’re very nice but that’s it.
I was seeing a few men and still one-off with my ex when I met my husband. He came along and there was absolutely no decison to make. It was obvious.
I’m sure you can have nice relationships with all of them and, if you’re lovely, that may work for you. But when things get tough, you’ll wonder what if you chose a different one.February 22, 2018 at 1:20 pm #690109
Hannah, I kind of agree with you, but at the same time, I’ve always kinda got that thought in the back of my mind that says “what if there isn’t anything better.” I’m finishing up my doctorate, and most of my friends are already married or getting married, and I’ve been so wrapped up in school for so long that romance has definitely taken a backburner. It’s not like I’m terribly old or panicking about never getting married, but at the same time, I’m definitely at that point in my life where it would be nice, and I’m just not sure how long it’s worth waiting for that guy with insane sparks that thus far I haven’t met.February 22, 2018 at 1:26 pm #690113
I’m confused. You say you have known them all for ‘years’ but ‘need more time to get to know them’February 22, 2018 at 1:53 pm #690116
I am wondering why you can’t be friends with the others after you choose the best one for you? You must be very young.February 22, 2018 at 2:00 pm #690119
How old are you Kate?February 22, 2018 at 2:10 pm #690122
Yes, I am pretty young lol. I graduated high school early and pretty much did nothing in college other than class work, so I’ll graduate with my doctorate next May, at 22.
Realistically, I know I have a lot of time. But with all my classmates and friends being at least 3 years older than me (and some close to 10), it’s just kind of a weird stage in life.
A lot of family members and well meaning people have told me I’m prioritizing a career over a family, and I guess I’m trying to cram both in. (I’m very, very Type A, if that hadn’t already come across). I definitely want a successful career and a family, and it seems like I’m being forced to choose…I always get the “why aren’t you dating anyone or married yet” questions.
I guess the pressing thing for me is that doctors have told me that 30’s my cutoff for biological kids (lots of health problems run in the family – having my younger sister about killed my mom, literally). I just don’t want to throw away three really nice guys that I get along with really well waiting for someone with great chemistry who may or may not exist.February 22, 2018 at 2:30 pm #690126
Kate-your info gives me a better understanding of things. You are worrying about filling a role more than finding true happiness and love ,I think. You are young and have time. As I thought you are not “weak kneed” over any of them.
Here is my suggestion based on what you just said. Three guys are interested in you. Why not just keep living your life and dating,working etc. and see who you may meet? If in the next few years Mr. True LOVE has not appeared,then check back with the trio of guys. Since there are three,chances are one will be available and you an go that route. This should take the self and family imposed pressure off and give you a chance for a wonderful match! Hope this helps.February 22, 2018 at 6:13 pm #690172
Please go and look for the articles by waitbutwhy.com, How to pick your life partner (it’s in 2 parts).
It’s an article on hiw society teaches us to just pick someone because that’s what you do.
You are incredibly young, the chance ces you have already met ‘your guy’ are actually quite slim. Maybe it’s one of these guys, but you don’t sound very enthusiastic about either of them.
I didn’t realise what love feels like J til I was about 29. I’m now 30. And I met the guy I’m currently having these feelings with when I was 24.
You’re in no hurry. If any of them is the guy who will sweep you off your feet, time will tell. Right now, none of them sound like they make you feel all gooey on the inside.February 23, 2018 at 10:55 am #690274
Thank you both for your advice! Algo, I loved those articles – thank you for recommending them. So I ended up telling the guys that I wanted to wait until I finished my degree and got established in a job, and 2/3 took it well. The “nice” guy kinda freaked and said he had wanted to get married in a year or two soooooo guess I dodged a bullet there lol. Maybe he’s the one in a rush to fill a role
I’ll take some time just for me and try and meet some new people – the weird thing is finding people my age. 35 year old men will hit on me, and while some of them are nice, I don’t really want to date someone 10+ years older than me.February 23, 2018 at 2:06 pm #690306
I met the first man I was madly I move with at 22 and my husband at 25. That’s relatively early! You have loads of time.
Think about your studies. Would have have settled with the basic qualifications you could get at 18 or is it better you invest in the time to get a better qualification? Don’t settle, you’re too young.
Absolutely broaden your social circle. My mother met my Dad at a French class. She was fluent at French but agreed to go to support a friend. I met my husband by making an effort to socialise with people from work that I actually thought were quite boring. So say yes to any social opportunity that comes your way.
I’m going out tonight with 1 person I know and 20 I don’t. It may be a disaster or I may make new friends. It’s worth the chance. You have to invest in your social life as well as your professional life. A lot of people forget that.February 23, 2018 at 3:05 pm #690322
The one that makes you laugh the most.February 23, 2018 at 7:52 pm #690351
I’m 27 and I’ve only just found a man I truly click with, who wants the same things and whom I love deeply. So there really is no rush.
There is no set timetable for your life and you will have a much more fulfilling one if you let things develop at their own pace. It’s amazing how much time we waste with people we know are no good for us, but ultimately each relationship we have teaches you something about yourself.
Don’t be afraid to date the wrong person, sometimes you just don’t know what somebody is truly like until you are in a relationship with them.
Well done for focusing on your education and not picking any of these men, if you’re not sure now you’ll never be!February 24, 2018 at 11:18 am #690392
Thanks, everyone, for all the responses!
I think I just got a little carried away thinking I was running out of opportunities to meet/be around people my own age. Some of the suggestions y’all gave were awesome though – I’ve decided to join a couple of volunteer activities in the community, and will hopefully meet some different people there.