August 5, 2019 at 5:30 pm #759164
He broke up with me 3 months ago. He broke up after spending a real good weekend together and making me an expensive gift and after visiting a house we were interested in. Then wo got in a fight and all of a sudden he said he can’t do this anymore and he wants to totally break it off. And I got scared, boy did I get scared, but I hoped it would be like with other bad fights, where we would just talk it out and everything would go back to the way it was.
Also sorry this might get a little long, but I really could use some advice.
I had a real dramatic relationship with a controlling and abusive guy, who lied to me and cheated on me and yet for some reason (first love and all) I stayed with him for 5 years.
Then I moved to another country and after nagging from a friend I tried tinder and against all my judgement I found him and we clicked immediately, we just hit it off perfectly. We talked basically 24/7 without getting sick of each other, we went on dates, we fell in love and we started a relationship. Small argues turned into huge ones, but we loved each other and that was all that counted. We always found our way back, as if nothing happened.
We saw each other every weekend and conitnued talking almost all day every day. But he gave things up for me, even though I didn’t ask him to.
He got unhappy, but he tried for me (so he said). And I asked him why he didn’t say anthing because we always said communication is key, but he just didn’t.
Then we had a long period without fighting and then this weekend came and all of a sudden he broke up.
Also a major side fact: When we met I was my best version but during our relationship I lost three loved ones and it changed me.
I was totally shocked and it didn’t go back to him coming back and I went crazy. I wanted to throw my life away, I felt suicidal, I felt like I lost all purpose and sense. I was totally heartbroken because I just really felt like he was my home, my peace and with everything he made me feel and believe I thought I was the same for him.
We met and we fought, all this frustration and anger came out, but it didn’t stop. One week passed without talking, then I started talking to him. He was feeling just as bad as me. And we both turned to alcohol. After a while we met because I wanted to be there for him coy he lost someone he loved. And we spent an awesome night, we ended up having sex and he confessed how much he loves me. (We were drunk) This happened a few times (not always with us having sex or kissing). But every time inbetween we argued, coz he hurt my feeling or we misunderstood each other, etc. And when he was sober he said hurtful things and that he doesn’t know what he feels but he doesn’t want to be with me… And every time it tore me apart again. He said he doesn’t want to give me hope, he feels something, but he doesn’t know. Then I asked him on a date, it was good, but he didn’t try anything, not to kiss me, or hold me, or anything. I felt so unwanted and sad. Things in his life turned out bad and he felt really bad and like none of his friends or family are there for him. And the only one being there was me and I felt that he didn’t even appreciate the fact that after everything I’m still there. Anyway since he felt so bad I told him he should leave the countey for a while or for good, because I honestly think it would be best for him, but I have a feeling he would never go through with it. He said he will do it when the job in his friends studio doesn’t work out. Whatever.
We met again a few days ago and he told me his friend put some girl to work for him instead of him and he was upset but still goes to a trip to support him and this girl thats supposedly going to replace him is going as well so even though it might be a good opportunity for him I got jealous and couldn’t be happy for him… after that we spent good time and then it turned bad again (alcohol was also involved) at the end I asked him if he doesn’t even desire me anymore and he said no. And that hit me so hard. I just, I really don’t deserve this and I know that, but I feel so much love for this guy and I just can’t…
I turned my phone off and I didn’t touch it for two days, but I miss him like crazy and I can’t understand it.
I know he closes himself off or tried to push me away several times.
I kinda got sick, because I stopped eating and kinda evolved a bit of a eating disorder…
I feel horrible mentally and phyically for months now and I just don’t know what to do anymore.
I know its really long but if anyone read it and has some advice. Its really much needed and appreciated.
For the record he says I’m living in a delusional world and constantly tells me that I don’t own him. Honestly, only because I love him and try to do everything to get him back… Well it hurts, I don’t deserve it, but quite frankly I don’t care so yeah…
I know I should stay away and focus on myself, my life and distract myself.
But I felt like he’s the one and I don’t want to give up.
Thanks for reading!August 5, 2019 at 6:14 pm #759170
Sounds like the fights were never resolved and he had been thinking about his break up for some time.
Sometimes we really want a guy to be the one but they are’t.
Accept that this break up is final and find healing.
Since he initiated the break up I don’t that you can do anything, but accept things as is.
The last thing you want to do is beg and get into convincing mode.August 5, 2019 at 6:27 pm #759174
I’m not sure why you think he’s the one.
“The one” doesn’t say hurtful things: that he doesn’t want to be with you, or that he doesn’t desire you, or that you’re delusional about getting back together.
I really think you should seek therapy for your codependency so you can end this toxic situation once and for all.
Good luck.August 5, 2019 at 8:42 pm #759183
They say if it’s too good to be true it probably is. I get the feeling you’re leaving out a lot.
He is one out of erm…4 billion?
Give it time. there’s nothing you can do about it anyway short of hunting him down and demanding an explaniation of why he made you feel like this only to throw it all away. I wouldnt suggest it. That would just make you look crazier. Then angry. Then crazy angry. Then you do/say things you dont mean or regret later. My guess… you are too crazy for him. I know it sucks. I’ve been there. questions…so many questions….the biggest one is WHY?August 6, 2019 at 2:53 am #759193
you may think hes the one but apparently he doesn’t. and you guys fight so much and there is always some drama going on. can you imagine how it will be if you guys live together? your relationship is all about drama and toxicity. the break up is a blessing. one of you has to be the smart one and have the courage to say this is toxic and walk away. he had taken that step. you need to see that this is going nowhere and only affecting your physical and mental well being. let him go. and start the process of moving on. all breakups hurt. and you will hurt too for sm time. but am sure when you think back you will thank your lucky stars that the man walked away. your relationship is not working and is simply a drain on both. all the best.August 6, 2019 at 3:14 pm #759267
Thank you all!
I appreciate every answer.
I did leave out a lot. And of course we spent so many good times!
And I thought he was the one, coz of these strong feelings I feel, whenever he’s near or with just a few words or a hug could make everything alright.
We fought a lot, but it was not all about fighting and drama. I’m a hot headed person and tend to get overrun by emotions and only after a while can think about it and properly talk about it.
But yeah many issues weren’t totally solved. And it seems like he was thinking about ending it for a while.. I don’t know.
I just don’t understand how you can go from loving someone to just not caring from one day to the other. It makes me feel like either it wasn’t really love from his side or he pretended the last weeks/ months to be happy and basically lied to me.
And I know every single one of you is right somehow, but I also feel its wrong to give something up you thought was right. Its just so darn hard…August 6, 2019 at 4:10 pm #759269
Better off single
Guard your heart and avoid falling for breadcrumbs.
Maybe he is scared and hiding his true feelings to avoid getting hurt or hurting you more and thinks the best thing for him to do is to stay away.August 7, 2019 at 2:03 am #759312
its not a question of whether he loves you or not. he probably did in his own way. but fact of the matter is it was not working between you guys. I can relate to what your saying cause am hot headed and volatile too. but still some friendships work and some don’t. you have to understand it was not working for you guys. ofcrse there will be good times and bad times. but the bad times over shadowed all that was gud. he decided that though you love each other you guys are simply not compatible. he actually made a wise decision. to cut out all the drama. its not about whether he doesn’t love you, its about the fact that you guys don’t fit well together. you have to let it go.August 7, 2019 at 2:24 am #759317
The man who is “the One” for you treats you well and wants you as much as you want him.
Therefore… this is not “the One” for you.August 7, 2019 at 11:33 am #759391
He definitely is scared of getting hurt again, or going back to the way it was… That’s what I thought and what he once told me two month ago…
I suggested already to just take a break instead of completely leaving me, but he just doesn’t believe in us, it seems…
The thing is we spend the bestest times together, we were best friends, always having fun and doing silly things with each other. We were just so comfortable with each other. He was basically living with me 3 days a week and always tried to take care of me and I was really lucky. And we had bad argues in person… but mostly we started arguing over texting or over stupid things that turned bigger than they should have been. And I think he just lost his patience with me.
He told me many times he’s so annoyed by me complaining all the time and I’m tired of him just putting it as complaining instead of taking my feelings serious… I even tried it… to complain as little as possible, but I also think it’s wrong to just surpress things and not talk about them when they are bothering me.
Its just I really turned from a self confident and independent strong woman to a insecure dependent weak girl during our time and partly caused of some things he did, even when he didn’t do it on purpose or didn’t know what he did wrong…
And I don’t know… I really think you can sit down and talk and get through things together instead of throwing it away… But on the other side he said some really hurtful things and I really don’t deserve that… Urgh…
I thought I should try to stay away for a minimum of 4 weeks now (since we only once had one week with zero contact) and then see how it is…
I just know one thing for sure… even though he was my best friend, I won’t be able to just remain friends with him… I love him way too much…August 7, 2019 at 11:41 am #759396
Everything you say about him and the relationship shows you’ve over romanticized both in your mind. You’ve got it all mocked up as perfect, when it wasn’t at all. Arguing all the time that badly isn’t normal and isn’t a good relationship. It won’t be like this with the right guy.
I’m not sure what you believe love really is. I don’t think you’re going to let go of him though.August 7, 2019 at 12:16 pm #759401
@Amy No, not everything was perfect and yeah I know we argued way too much. But when I look back the good overshadows the bad. I think to him its the other way around.
But what do you think it should be? I mean when you are dating for a year you kinda need to find a way with each other, when you come from completely different lifestyles and have different opinions about some things, you have to find a way that works for both.
I can’t imagine that with the right guy there won’t be any problems at all…
I rather think that with the right guy it doesn’t matter how much you argue when at the end of the day you still choose each other. That might be over romanticized, but to me that’s love. When you feel home and at peace with that person, not only being in love but him being the one I turn to, I want to tell all the good and exciting news, the one I want to share everything with…
And I thought or I still feel that I found that in him.
And you’re right with one thing… I don’t know if I can let go, I don’t think I’m capable of that. But probably I won’t have any other chance… I just really don’t know how… because I feel like no matter how much time passes… it will remain the same…August 7, 2019 at 2:28 pm #759417
look the fact of the matter is he left you. he broke up. not you! so to get back together he needs to come to you. your anyways there for him. he knows that. he walked away not you. do you get it? no matter what you want the fact of the matter is he should want it too. if your not ready to give up, in the situation your best bet would be to stay away and stay silent for 6 weeks. stay totally silent for these 6 weeks. give him a chance to miss you. maybe he will get in touch when he misses you. in the event he doesn’t you can try approaching after 6 weeks. and take it from there. but if he doesn’t make a move during those 6 weeks and it seems unlikely that he will want to get back with you. TBH from your first post it came across that you guys were miserable together so I wont be surprised if he turns you down.August 7, 2019 at 5:37 pm #759446
I think you really need to go deep within yourself to see why you allowed a controlling abusive guy to lie and cheat on you for 5 years. It’s almost like you can’t NOT be in a relationship. Because as soon as that’s over you move to another country, meet another guy and all the sudden have an instant relationship with him! You didn’t take time off to learn from your abusive relationship instead you immediately put in a substitute guy and start having small arguments that then turned into HUGE arguments. He was unhappy with the relationship and the fighting so you had one big last fight and that was the straw for him. He just couldn’t take it anymore. Now it’s been 3 months
You both turned to alcohol, and only hooked up when you were drunk. And every single time he would hurt your feelings or you would misunderstand each other. This relationship is toxic and it needs to end. And it did end. When he’s sober he doesn’t want to be with you and doesn’t want to give you hope. When he’s drunk he’ll hook up with you and say he loves you but still hurts your feelings and fights with you. You can’t even be together without things turning bad and alcohol being involved.
I think you need therapy to get out of this depression, alcohol use and addiction you have for men. You need to learn to let this man go, learn how to be single and happy alone. You need to leave him alone and focus on what you want in life. There’s not giving up and there’s delusional which is what he says you are. Please seek professional help.August 7, 2019 at 6:22 pm #759451
Yeah I understand that and of course I want to be with a man who wants me as well. How could one be happy knowing the one you love doesn’t want you…
I think it’s probably the only and last thing I can try. 6 weeks it is then. I’m totally scared. Scared he doesn’t miss me… But I know, what do I want with a guy, who doesn’t even miss me?!
I can’t really explain it but with my feelings and all I just can’t me reasonable when it’s about him. Like I know what is right, but I still go for what I feel. Thats a huge issue of mine, makes it only seem like I always need to only please me, even though I care more about the ones I love than me…
I know, the first post mostly and only included the bad times we had together and not the good times. We were kinda inseparable, always goofing around and enjoying time. And we had bad fights as well. So tbh I thought we went through everything already, there shouldn’t be anything anymore that could drive us apart. He drives me insane, I drive him insane, but we loved each other, we could calm each other…
No idea what happened, too much bad blood, too much bad things, it was just too much…I guess
No, that came off wrong! After my abusive relationship I’ve been single for about 5-6 years. This is already far in my past, I totally got over it and I was perfectly fine with being single and honestly I wasn’t even looking for any man because I didn’t believe that much in love anymore. And when we met we just had the exact same vibe, we clicked and it was amazing.
Well we only had sex when he was drunk, but he kissed me or hugged me when he was sober. And when he was sober he also told me things that gave me hope. It felt more like when we talked it was naturally going well, but then he pulled back, as if he wanted to hold himself back to get too close again. At the beginning of the break up he admitted that if he would agree to try again he thinks he wouldn’t be able to put us both through this again, he wouldn’t be able to break up again.
And not all the times we’ve been together lately we touched alcohol, only sometimes and not all the times it turned bad.
The only thing I agree is that at the end, if this last try doesn’t work, I might need professional help regarding the depression. Because I lost the passion for the things I wanted in life, mostly also because it was passions we shared. And now I only feel hollow thinking about it. I feel totally empty.
But thank you for your advice!August 7, 2019 at 7:44 pm #759461
“Its just I really turned from a self confident and independent strong woman to a insecure dependent weak girl.”
When you’re with “the one” this doesn’t happen.
The opposite does.August 7, 2019 at 11:02 pm #759475
Sounds like it’s all self sabotage on both of y’all. You are letting fear and insecurity run and ruin your relationship.
There are going to be good and bad times in any relationship. Both of you are focusing too much on the bad because of how volital the arguments were and the damage that was done.
You are both hurt and scared of it happening again. That’s why he gives you hope and then pulls back. He wants the same things you do, he’s just as scared as you are and unsure because “what if it happens again?”
He knows something is wrong and too full of pride to admit he needs professional help because he doesn’t want to be seen as weak.
Both of you need counciling. Both of you need to hold yourselves accountable for what you did wrong. Not point fingers -because you both are wrong in different (or same) areas and need figure out how to let it go and move past it or move on. Both of you need to judge yourselves (not eachother) search deep to find where the roots of all your insecurities are.
Maybe try focusing on what is good about your relationship when bad s×it comes up and something is triggered. If you’re going to make a permanent decision on a temporary emotion, let it be the one that always chooses eachother over whatever it is you’re going to get over in a few days, if not a few hours rather than make low blows or heaven forbid get violent because your ego was dented a little.
Most of the time complaints are just to hear yourself talk and if you really listen to yourself you will see 9/10 your complaints are rediculous. I’m not trying to be mean or belittle you in anyway. More often than not anything you have a complaint about is something you can solve on your own since it is a problem within yourself.
It’s probably better if you both do individual therapy along with coupples therapy and both of you need to be all in with fixing yourselves even if the relationship doesn’t work out.August 7, 2019 at 11:07 pm #759476
When you’re with “the one” this doesn’t happen when both people are emotionally balanced.August 7, 2019 at 11:12 pm #759477
Better off single
How can one be happy knowing the one you love doesn’t want you…
I think that’s what killing yourself without actually doing it feels like.August 8, 2019 at 6:22 am #759510
I truly believe you need to work on your past issues by finding better ways, methods, and tools to cope and deal with the hardballs and curveballs life will constantly throw at you. You are not emotionally equipped to be in a relationship at this point, and neither is he. I know its hard but the best thing to do is to detox from him, remain no contact, and go see a specialist who can provide you with the skills and tool to manage life better v. relying on someone, especially one who is just as ill-equipped as you are, or you’ll just end up in the same toxic and dysfunctional patterns and cycles.
Really need to break the cycle or you will never have a healthy and happy relationship. Your ‘guydar’ is seriously broken and needs a major overhaul.August 8, 2019 at 8:02 am #759524
No, I rather don’t fight, but when both are just too stubborn and want to stand their foot down it just continues until one gives in and says fuq it, it’s not worth it.
But what if the one just has a different idea of a relationship and did things unintentional because he didn’t know better?
That is true. But while I see mostly the good parts in front of my eyes, to him the bad ones seems to overshadow the good ones.
I’m scared of getting hurt like this again, but I’m willing to go through this again because I’m convinced we could get through it.
What you say about him fits mostly and he would never seek professional help, he rather stays in misery.
That is a good advice and true that as a couple you should always keep in mind you are not supposed to fight each other but fight together against the problem… and not let temporary emotions cause pain in any form.
I know that some complaints are just stupid, but some really have reason and are caused by things he did or said.
@Better off single
It is. Because you can never understand why. Why when you spent so much time happy and felt so loved and just like that it’s gone.
I knew ways to help myself. But now it just became way too much for me to handle and with losing him after being the rock in my life, after being my happy place and my home I just feel so empty and so lifeless. I just wake up, doing my day, and waiting until the day is over and repeat this process everyday and when we talked even after breaking up it helped me, to find a little bit of happiness. Also my dog helps me with that. I know I’m emotional too attached to him, to dependent. But it’s like losing your will or purpose because I would have been fulfilled with living life with him and going on adventures together. What does all of this mean when I can’t share it with him anymore. And no one friend can replace that.
It sounds awful but I coped better with the losses, that didn’t leave willingly. But accepting to just let go of the one person who made you so incredibly happy, it seems just impossible…August 8, 2019 at 8:31 am #759526
I understand Nora, more than you know but that’s the cycle you need to break…being overly reliant on someone else, and not yourself.
My SO is my rock, and my “happy place” BUT majority of my life is not centered around him, nor is he the one I ‘lean on’, like a crutch, because that is not healthy. I have learned, as a recovered co-dependent myself, that I have to rely on myself, handle it myself, nor pass the buck onto my partner to make me temporarily ‘feel better’ because that’s not where true happiness comes from, it ultimately comes from within. If you want temporary happiness then seek it externally but if you want long term happiness then you need to seek and attain it internally.
Knowing you are strong, confident, and fully capable of handling difficult problems on your own without relying on another for it, is the ultimate form of long-term happiness. When you give that responsibility to someone else, then it can only be temporary in nature because that kind of burden is too much to place on another’s shoulders until they cannot longer hold your weight. These are your burdens, your crosses to bear, your problems to solve, and your responsibility to handle and fix, not another’s, and until you understand this concept, and begin to build and rely on your inner strength, you will never find it.August 8, 2019 at 9:20 am #759530
I went through this cycle once.
After the abusive relationship. It took me one-two years to totally process everything.
But the difference right now is, I didn’t feel this strongly like I do now. I didn’t love so strongly like I do love this guy.
It was too much weight on his shoulders and I know that, but at this time I couldn’t stop it because in the time of 3 months only I lost three of the most important ones in my life and it totally threw me off my feet. I was glad he was there and he made me smile even when I thought I couldn’t. And we kept going. And it got easier for me and I started coping, also without him.
But this right now is so hard to handle because it’s him I lost and every plan I had for my life involved him. Because we shared mostly the same dreams and hobbies, passions and I can’t do these things without being totally heartbroken that instead of doing it with him I can only do it alone, you know?
And I know that I have to keep going because someday never comes and I have to try to live, but this drains me and even though I’m trying and doing, it just remains empty.
It’s not that I can’t go a day without him or have to talk or be with him 24/7, but just knowing he’s there and doesn’t leave that would put my mind at ease.
But since he’s gone I feel restless and no matter what I do or try I always end up at this point. And I have a feeling this won’t really change no more. Because no matter how much he hurt me and no matter how much time passes, my feelings don’t change.August 8, 2019 at 10:26 am #759534
No matter what anyone says here you are convinced he is the one. and you cant get go. till you get it in your head to see the situation as it is, no matter what anyone says, you will always see a shining light. in such a situation I think u need to go through more heart ache, more rejections, ugly breakups before you will even consider moving on. hence I suggested a 6 week break. you do need to break this desperate feeling that you have. like you just cant let him go. give it time. consciously do other things, divert your mind from this man. socialise meet frnds, family, take up activities whatever. take a break in your head. only post a decent period of time, you need to reapproach this. list of what is good when you together and a real list of what is bad. maybe that will help you reapproach the situation the way it really is rather than what you have convinced yourself, it is . maybe the desperate urge that you have to reconnect with him wont be there anymore. give it time I say.August 8, 2019 at 10:29 am #759535
I get it but unfortunately the number of events was too much, in such as short span of time, and it exhausted and drained the relationship. This is why you have to keep checking yourself, have to structure and stay within tight boundaries, and when you start feeling or reeling out of control is when you need to pull yourself back, reign yourself in, maintain balance, and not fall into the black hole.
Its life long maintenance, no differently than someone who can’t have a drink has to be super careful and vigilant to not allow external forces, such as a death or grief, to suck them back into the black hole of alcoholism. Its hard work, I know its difficult especially during hard times when all you want to do is pass your burdens onto another but you cannot, or you’re going to have a difficult time managing all the other hardballs and curveballs that life is going to throw at you.
When you feel this way, go melt into an emotional puddle in your room for a few days, binge on ice cream, vent through writing, watch tons of comedies, dance your arse off to music—anything that helps to take the curb off your sadness. Then pick yourself up, dust yourself off, and get back to your daily routine as soon as possible, or you risk falling into a state of depression or evolve into a black cloud of negativity that eventually makes people want to avoid you.
There are productive ways to cope through difficult times, you just need to add them to your tool box so you’re better prepared to handle and/or fix them when the next is hurled at you.
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