When should you feel it?


Home Forums Dating and Sex Advice When should you feel it?

This topic contains 12 replies, has 1 voice, and was last updated by  Sensy 3 months ago.

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  • #740309 Reply

    anon

    I’ve been on a few dates with a guy and on paper he is really great. We get along well in person but tbh, I don’t feel much spark. He is full on pursuing me, which is somewhat new to me as most of the guys I have dated have been really unaggressive. I have not slept with the guy yet and really don’t feel that desire.

    In this time, I have been dating other guys and slept with my FWB. I’m definitely not a cold person, I am attracted to a lot of men, so its not an overall lack of desire on my end. Usually I know really quickly if I’m into someone.

    I told this guy to move on this weekend, and that emotionally I didn’t feel anything for him. He says he likes me a lot, and still wants me to give it a chance. I don’t think he is just in it for sex. I’ve never once initiated contact with this guy.

    Should I go on one more date? Like I said, I don’t feel any red flags. He’s nice. But I’m just not *wow* – like I feel more with other men I have dated.

    #740310 Reply

    Lane

    Anon this is interesting because I too believed there had to be a ‘spark’ (infatuation) of some sort for something to materialize. I felt the same way about my ex husband as you do with this guy. He wasn’t even my type and had no interest in him romantically but after having some interactions with him (he sought me out) over a few months he started to kinda grow on me lol. I too was getting to know other guys (not sleeping with anyone though) and I don’t know what compelled me to do it, but as we were standing in the back watching a band at the club I stuck my hand in his pocket! He looked at me with surprise and said “really?” (asking for the green light) where I nodded yes and that was it, we were a couple.

    The problem was I still couldn’t develop those ‘loving feelings’ like he had for me, that I had felt with other guys and was going to break up with him. I took some space to get up the nerve to tell him and within a few days I started to MISS him and the thought of him not being in my life would be painful. tt was the first ‘sign’ I had fallen in love without even knowing it and my love for him grew from there. I remember the first time I finally said “I love you” to him (about 5 months later) and he actually told me “you don’t have to say it if you don’t mean it” but I did!

    This was my first experience with a CALMER love that slowly deepened with time and lasted longer than all others I had ever experienced. My BF and I are the same way…it slowly deepened over time and is the same type of calmness, safety and secureness I felt with my ex husband during our courtship; whereas our love for each other continues to deepen.

    Maybe the SPACE will allow you some time to miss him? If you don’t feel nothing and happy with your decision then let him go. However, if you feel something, then there may be something you have yet to explore?

    #740311 Reply

    Khadija

    No don’t waste your time.

    You’ve been honest and he needs to respect that.

    I’d decline the date and then stop answering his messages.

    #740372 Reply

    Kathy

    Anon.. I say no also.. If you are the anon that always posts, we are old enough to know whether it is a yes or a no I believe.

    I too, am dealing with something like this right now. Someone wants to continue, but I am not emotionally feeling it, so said no. It’s sort of sad, because we get along great, and there is nothing wrong with this guy. I wish I did feel it, but it is what it is..

    Go with your gut. We have one life(not trying to be dramatic!!)

    #740374 Reply

    Emma

    Funny choice of words. You ended things but “he still wants me to give it a chance”.

    We saw several stories here that when this happens, the dude would later dump YOU, to make up for his bruised ego.

    If you don’t feel it then WHY would you try and try? Flattered by his attention?

    #740389 Reply

    Kim

    If you’re not feeling any kind of romantic connection be honest and end it, which you have already done. There is no point forcing something that isn’t there. It’s not fair to him. Politely decline. If he’s as nice as you say he’ll respect that.

    #740401 Reply

    anon

    “If you don’t feel it then WHY would you try and try? Flattered by his attention?”

    Because he is a really good person and everything is there except that “feeling” and I’m not sure if I should give it a shot to develop over time. It’s not about my ego- it’s about trying to figure out what makes a relationship.

    I’ve felt romance off that bat a million times and tried to make it work with inappropriate men. I’m wondering if the opposite ever works. I look at this guy, and you could definitely do a lot worse in life.

    That said, I’m leaning towards no. I did tell him last night that I didn’t want to disappoint him and that this may never go beyond “friendship” for me.

    #740462 Reply

    T from NY

    I have tried — on at least two occasions — to make it work with a guy I just wasn’t feeling it for. One where I oscillated back and forth for MONTHS. It does not end well!

    Do not think from a scarcity mindset. There are men available to you. The man FOR you will make you so happy and not question.

    I will never “give a guy a chance” again. If I’m not feeling attracted, interested, intrigued, happy, excited after 2 dates — that’s the end. Life is too short to waffle on such things.

    #740464 Reply

    Kathy

    I am absolutely with T also! I have tried on several occasions too, and she is right..

    It doesn’t end well. They end up getting frustrated with you. maybe mad at you, and hurt.

    Because you just can’t get there. And that isn’t your fault.

    Best to release them out into the world to find someone who loves them..

    And you continue on the search for true love.. Truly!

    #740482 Reply

    anon

    Yeah- I’m not even oscillating.

    I hope he finds someone good.

    #740483 Reply

    anon

    Also- thank you T- I’m not even oscillating on this guy- I just feel really flat about him and have from the get go. There hasn’t even been a glimmer.

    I honestly now understand the actions a lot of men take while dating. It’s not the best feeling to know that someone is great, into you and just walk away for a reason that’s hard to put into words.

    #740538 Reply

    Kim

    Hi Anon, I get it and it’s not the best feeling when everything except that indefinable spark is there. It’s easy to understand there’s nothing wrong with the other person when you feel that way but so hard to understand when someone feels that way about you, isn’t it?

    You were honest with him and that shows you approached this with integrity. It would be so much better if everyone did that.

    Will he pop into your mind and you’ll miss him down the road? Maybe, maybe not. You will cross that bridge IF you ever come to it. You are doing what is right for you AND him at this moment. Although he may not like it, you are also valuing his time by being upfront so he knows where he stands.

    Life isn’t as easy and doesn’t follow the “perfect formulas” that are so often put out. I give you props for recognizing that and making a decision centered on what you feel is right for you while respecting and considering his feelings with how you go about it.

    Lane is right in that there is something to be said about “calm love” but that’s for each person to choose if that is a viable option for them. I chose that route with my ex husband. This is only personal opinion but I found I was more in the mind of responsibility and duty vs. truly wanting to be in the marriage. Don’t get me wrong, it wasn’t bad…it just wasn’t what I had hoped it would be. That was my doing for not being honest with myself like you are at this time. I did what I thought was right but for personally wrong reasons. That was me though. Some people could and would be content.

    Decisions of this nature are “right if you are doing what you feel is right and respectfully matching your actions with that. That is what you are doing.

    Hey Emma, were YOU flattered by his attention? Is that your story? Maybe Anon doesn’t want to end up in a situation like that. I did the same thing but tried to correct my mistake the best way I knew how. Your reasons are your reasons. So be it, you know what they are. If you want your reasons respected, then save your thinly veiled moral indignation instead of taking out on Anon what you should have asked yourself a long time ago.

    #740630 Reply

    Sensy

    Have you kissed him and felt nothing? I once felt nothing until the kiss and ended up falling deeply in love. Oddly, we were born within 5 hours of each other.

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