This topic contains 18 replies, has 1 voice, and was last updated by cara 4 years, 8 months ago.
November 29, 2015 at 7:33 am #481590
So you know how many time girls keep asking here and everywhere else ” why cant he just be honest?”so was I… Always upset about men ghosting and not just being honest…
Until last night, when I realized that it can hurt more than just him fading away…
I went for a 3 date with a guy, I did like him and maybe was slowly falling for him…
We went out for a nice dinner and cinema (the cozy one with sofas). All this time I felt he is really into me,holding my hand, kissing and cuddling at the cinema… I felt like a tiny kitten being cuddled by him. So movie was over and we left… I asked him what he wants to do and if we should stop for another drink or something. All of the sudden he did not feel that keen anymore… he was walking me to the station.. and I just felt something is wrong.. So I asked him. Honestly it felt like something has changed in a minute time. He stopped and said that he has to be honest with me. “you are very attractive and intelligent girl and I had a great time this evening, but I just dont have that spark, I am very sorry” . That’s exactly what I heard from him..
Honestly, I felt like someone just put a knife in my heard. It was only the 3rd date and yes I was not still in love with him, but it was not easy to handle these words in person… I put my confidence down.. And just feeling very sad today…November 29, 2015 at 7:49 am #481591
Aw, sorry to hear you’re feeling a bit bruised. I tend to know pretty much right from the first date whether there is a spark, so if I’d gotten to a third date then, for me, that means I like the guy and I feel we have a connection, so it’s easy to assume he feels the same, when in fact, he might not be entirely sure but is giving it 2/3 dates to see how he feels.
I guess on the bright side you at least KNOW what the deal is/was as opposed to never hearing from him again and been left wondering.
It is crummy when you meet someone you feel a spark with but it’s short-lived. I haven’t felt a spark/connection in over 4yrs now. It’s very elusive, so it is natural to feel down when you think you have it but then realise you don’t.
Chin up :)November 29, 2015 at 8:04 am #481594
Thank you Girl_Friday37. Yes, I know at least I know now.. thats what girls always want isnt :)
I am the same, I usually feel right away if I dont have a spark.. I just felt very down..middle of the night after a great evening being told right away- sorry I dont have a spark for you.. How confusing men can be, being nicest possible to you and another minute just turning and saying this..November 29, 2015 at 8:15 am #481595
Hi. Its maybe a cold feet thing because of issues or still attached to an ex. Its kinda brutal but at least hes not fading or doing the ghosting thing. This way is a nice clean break and you know where you stand and can be free to date others without wondering about the fader. xNovember 29, 2015 at 8:32 am #481597
I know, and deep inside realize this… However for me as a girl its not s nicest thing to hear right to my face, after s great date(or I would like think it was).
Just hurts.November 29, 2015 at 8:41 am #481599
Yeah it’s like, you got your answer, but that feels bad too… Cheer up :)November 29, 2015 at 9:20 am #481605
This is what dating’s about, feeling each other out to see if there’s something there or not.
Men usually know within the first few dates if your that lady they want to give up all other’s for (aka “the pursuit”). Men pursuit a lady no differently than how they pursuit a career, hobby, car, etc.
I like using the car analogy so you understand how a man thinks when dating. There MUST be “physical attraction” for a man to proceed. Each man is different whereas if one is attracted to small petite women (a sports car) they aren’t going to be interested in a tall full figured lady (sedan). That’s just the first step where he will then go on test drives (dates) to check out other features such as the engine (her personality); speed (her energy); fits in the seat (kiss/touch)…you get the drift
When he comes across that the one car (lady) that makes him feel all giddy and his life without her would feel boring and dull. Trust me, if your that lady he will do everything in his power to attain it and you literally have to do NOTHING but show up and be your authentic self.
Never ASSUME a guy likes you a certain way until he drops the “I love you” bomb. He may LIKE your company and personality but isn’t getting that “lovin feeling” that will get him to drive you off the lot so no one else can.November 29, 2015 at 9:44 am #481611
There is no such thing as “too honest.” He wasn’t feeling it and he told you straight in as decent a way as he could.
As Lane says, if you’re the lady for him he’ll come after you gangbusters.
I take dates as pleasant experiences until I see a man really investing, and that takes time.
Your feeling this crushed on date 3 when being told no is a sign you are looking too much externally for love, approval and/or security. These things come from the inside. When you have your own supply of these things and don’t need it from anyone else, magically and ironically you will attract men and people in general who treat you like something special. Men like being appreciated; they don’t like being needed in a needy way, if that makes sense.
Get this in check and you will find dating is a lot more fun.
I had a great date on Thursday. Would be happy to see him again but if for some reason he doesn’t make contact again, I won’t be crushed or wondering what I did wrong. It was fun. End of. Keep going.
The more you are of you, the easier it is for the right people on your wavelength to just find you.November 29, 2015 at 10:02 am #481616
The biggest key is not to assume that because you feel something the other person does too.
That is what communication is for. You may feel excited about someone but always know how they feel about you is a mystery. You were only on date 3….let us really look at that.
By date 3 you do not know enough about a person to love them. You say you were falling for him…I suggest you were falling for an image of who you thought he might be….that remained to be seen.
Questions to ask yourself when you “feel you are falling” are 1) how well do you know this person? 2) Have you met his family and friends? 3) Do you know his hopes, dreams, secrets and bad hair days?
Take your time to fall in love with someone worthy….don’t get too hepped up until you know the facts.November 29, 2015 at 10:53 am #481627
It should sting a little when someone tells you things like that right into your face, but he told you that you were attractive, intelligent, etc, so your ego should not be bruised. You can’t expect to “match” and have a spark with everyone. I’d say it is good that he told you, try to look at the bright side.November 29, 2015 at 12:17 pm #481642
Hello and thank you, Ladies!
I guess what I wanted to say by this post is that I am not sure if being told to your face ” i dont have spark for you” is very easy to hear, even if you only been on few dates.
Maybe when I said “I was falling for him” it was phrazed wrongly, what I really meant was i think I was starting to like him…
Good thing, as many of you already told me- at least I know. But it did not feel as nice last night to hear it just 5 mins after the date was overNovember 29, 2015 at 2:57 pm #481666
Yea…it’s happened to us all for the most part…I read an article once saying if you weren’t being rejected you are dating beneath your league so take that as a positive logistically speaking…he was a great catch and didn’t feel a spark for you but you are attracting in your league…use that as motivation to keep trying…you’ve got the “requisite” stuff down now to find one where sparks fly for both of y’all.November 29, 2015 at 4:02 pm #481675
Ha heres a good one. I had 2 dates with a guy he was ok no oil painting and 2 days later he sent me an email saying he hadnt felt chemistry with me. He wasnt long out a marriage so I thought well thats fair enough and I even texted him saying its cool and stay in touch if u wish as Im ok with being friends. Couple of days later he texts me asking about the “really good looking pal” I had been telling him about. I had mentioned one of my friends was super hot and he was wondering if he could give her a try. Well of course I was livid as this was so cheeky as I had liked him and i told him this. But not one to let things bother me I got a nice swipe at him as he was short and I said oh no she only dates tall guys lol. So that was the truth actually but it felt good saying it to him. xNovember 29, 2015 at 4:27 pm #481681
I’m with Lane on this. Sounds a lot like me with one difference. I’ll go sports car to sedan, but no Grand Caravan or Full Size Van. I prefer a sports car, but I can just as easily fall in love with a sedan as long as it has a lot of features I’m looking for.November 30, 2015 at 12:46 pm #481999
It’s not easy to hear that. I would say “great, because I didn’t feel the spark either” LOL.November 30, 2015 at 2:09 pm #482022
good god, wished i found this website sooner. lane- you have great advice, because i think i swooned on my first date for no apparent reason, and wished i heard all your guys’ advice sooner so that i knew how to play my cards. oh well, you live and you learn. honestly, i see it as … being rejected helps you learn from your mistakes. while it’s great to have a match immediately, it almost rarely never happens, unless you’re super lucky. but, being rejected and knowing how to monitor your emotions, feelings and actions at every stage are part of the learning process. how will anyone ever know how to manage first, second, third dates? there isn’t a right or wrong way to. you just learn, and keep going for it despite the rejections. remember, rejection does not equate to failure. it’s just lack of compatibility. but i like Lane’s advice, and wished i knew it sooner as well. Never assume the guy likes you at any part of dating, until he says “i love you.” don’t get swept away easily and know what you want/his intentions/wants are before you tell yourself that “you’re falling.” rejection only adds to your experience so that you are better equipped to handle another scenario next time. you won’t ever be good at something until you garner experience and taking in valuable advice from these ladies on the forum.November 30, 2015 at 2:51 pm #482039
After re-entering the dating world after being married/coupled for 16 years, one thing that was soooo hard for me to get over is that I’m not showing up on a date to be approved of. I’m showing up on a date to see if we’re a match. And that’s really all it is. So, yeah, his words definitely sting and probably feel out of nowhere. However, you have no idea… he may have saved you a lifetime of struggle because of some flaw he has. :-) That’s how I try to think of it most of the time. But when I become overinvested, well, that’s a different story. It’s hard and everything feels like rejection. So the key for me has been to stay more neutral on things. I’m just a scientist on a fact-finding mission. ;-)November 30, 2015 at 4:12 pm #482053
@WaitWhat – well said…i will try and tell myself this as well, for future dates…that i’m not trying to be approved OF, but more of ME seeing if they’re a match for me. looking out for myself, and not getting so caught up in what some stranger thinks about me/if he likes me. it is only you looking out for yourselfDecember 5, 2015 at 9:28 pm #483929
Hey sorry that you’re sad. But look at the bright side he did it early and it is easier getting over someone in the early stages. If he waited or played along to spare your feelings, you would really be hurting. This is my rule when i start seeing someone and things are going well after 2 months good if there is one thing no matter how big or small that he says or does that i dont like i get rid of him. I have to nip it in the bud or I could get lost for years in an unhappy go know where relationship. So what if he isnt feeling it and so what that you are. people always come and go.