When do I tell the kids and how much time do I spend with my BF?

Ok, peanut gallery here. It is very alarming that you jumped into something so serious so fast. There, I said it. Neither of you have healed from what happened in the last relationships that were very long, nor do you really know who you are as individual people. This sounds massively co-dependent. You would want to live together? You see him 5 days a week (how is that possible if he is traveling like you said) Of course you would, it easily replaces what you both lost but without the hard emotional work of healing. Have either of you been to counseling?

I am sorry to sound so harsh, but the kids seem the least of the issues here.

If you could give me more information about what you have both done to make sure that you are emotionally healthy, then perhaps we could move to the kids….

But, I will give you credit that you have shielded them from this except for not being around.

I don’t mean any disrespect, honestly, but I’m not even sure how to answer this question. You were married 26 years, separated from your husband 8 months ago, and already have a serious boyfriend? A boyfriend who is cutting into your time with your children to the point where they’re complaining and it’s affecting their behavior? That’s what I can’t get over.

I would think that your focus at this point should be your children and not your boyfriend. Divorce is very hard on everyone, including the kids. I really can’t see it as a good thing that you rushed into a serious relationship so soon after separating from your husband. Surely you need time to heal yourself, not to mention support your children, during this difficult time? What’s the rush for a new relationship?

To specifically answer your question. As for what’s a reasonable amount of time to spend with a serious BF when you have kids in the house, who have not met him yet, while you’re getting divorced–I would say 1-2 nights a week is more than reasonable? If you have a standing Friday overnight date, be happy with that for now. You should really be focusing on your kids and not trying to see your boyfriend for 20 minutes a day or whatever. Not trying to sound harsh but just trying to put your focus on what’s important here.

Liz Lemon first, hank you for your answer of 1-2 nights per week.
Second, you may not mean to sound harsh, but you do.
What you don’t know is the circumstance of my marriage or what led to the separation and impending divorce. I do realize that I need to heal and work on my issues that contributed to the downfall of my marriage, and I am doing that. In addition to seeing a therapist, I will soon be starting group therapy. Both of my boys are seeing their own therapist as well.
What I am not willing to do is lose the connection I have made with this new man just because the timing of it is not ideal.

Dangerouse, would you like to expand on that?

I think you will get a lot of the same advice when it comes to being so serious when the divorces are not finalized yet. I have the same reservations especially when you Have issues with self esteem and codepency. Because i dont really see how you can work on those and already see a new guy 5-6 times a week. You really sound like you made new guy the center of your life already and maybe its the same with him. So it really doesnt sound all that healty to me, but i respect you think you found something good and want to work that out. Ok, fair enough, but if this is a serious relationship then there is nothing against slowing it down for the purposes of both of you divorcing and dealing with that and new routines with children. Dont go sit on a pink cloud but get a clear head about what you want. If your love is true, it can handle a slower speed. It may in fact be a better choice

How long have you been dating this guy? Please step way back. I know many women who jump into the next “amazing” relationship because they have never had this only to find months or years down the road that this person they are seeing are human just like they are and flawed. Take this much slower and please focus on your children. Divorce is a major trauma for kids.

I just want to say thank you for all the thoughtful and informative responses. I knew that I needed to put my kids first, but it has been difficult due to their pulling away from me, which started prior to the divorce. In fact, the kids becoming teens contributed to the marriage falling apart. I’m not saying I blame them or would EVER in a millions say something like that to them! What I mean is that the emotional connection I had with them is what sustained me for years of disconnection with my husband. I went back to work full-time 2 years ago when the boys were in 7th and 9th grade and between working more and the natural progression of teens pulling away from their parents I began to feel all the things that were missing in my relationship. I had asked for years (and years and years) for more affection, physical and verbal (his love language is service, mine is touch) and didn’t get it. Every time I asked I was told “that’s just not who I am” but what I heard was “you’re not worth the effort”. I admit it, I stopped asking. I worked on myself various times over the years, different times in therapy, new hobbies, started working out (even had a personal trainer for 2 years), lost 65 lbs at one point, gave up drinking at one point (to see if that was an issue – it isn’t). My motto about relationships became “lower your expectations”. I guess my husband took that as a dig, but I never meant it that way. I thought I found the secret to a happy marriage. And I still believe that we need to really manage our expectations in a relationship and that we cannot expect another person to “complete” us or to “make us happy”. We have to complete ourselves, love ourselves, be happy on our own. In a way I wish that this man hadn’t come along quite yet because I totally understand what many of you are saying about healing first, loving yourself first, etc. But I still WON’T give him up just because the timing is off.

What I will do is slow my roll. It’s going to be difficult, but for my kids (the loves of my life and my first priority even if I haven’t been doing the best of living up to that through this break up), I will put them first. I will try to reestablish my relationship with each of them. In fact, I am already working towards that and things are looking up. This week I was down to seeing the BF 3 days. But that is only because I missed our shared exercise class. I think going forward I will be seeing him 3-4 days a week. Two of those times will be when the kids are with their dad. One of those times will be at the exercise class (but the time we used to spend after exercise class will need to go away) and one other time per week for 2 – 3 hours when the kids are busy with their friends or video games or YouTube or whatever it is they do but it will be AFTER I have checked in with them, cooked them dinner, ate with them and talked, cleaned the kitchen and made sure they are in a good place mentally, emotionally, and have something to do. I think I can make it work, I do have all day Saturday, Saturday nights and Sunday during the day with them to make those connections and individual time with them as well as Monday – Thursday evenings with the exception of about 2 hours total for the exercise class and 2 -3 hours max one other time per week with the BF. Additional thoughts, advice and experience is still appreciated. The feedback here has been thoughtful and for the most part understanding and pleasant and again, I truly appreciate it. Sometimes it’s easier to hear things from strangers (although this is my first experience posting on a forum). Thank you.

I totally understand what you are saying! You have been starved for affection in your marriage and don’t want to give up the first person who is giving you the physical and emotional connection you have been missing all these years. I don’t think any of us are trying to beat you up, but just tell you some cautionary tales about what can happen when you rush things too fast and don’t heal from your relationships first. Two broken people can’t have an emotionally healthy relationship. You are correct that we cannot expect another person to complete us or make us happy, that has to come from within. 
I think your plan to limit your time with your BF to spend more time and focus on your kids is a good one!! You have to understand they are also going through this emotional difficult time while also trying to adjust to all these teenage hormones, high school and peer pressures, etc. They need to feel you are there for them regardless!! And this time is so precious because you just won’t get it back and in a few years, BAM!! they are out on their own and making their way in the world and you will wish you had these dinners and talks back. And if you build and work to maintain these connections as much as you are working to maintain a connection with your boyfriend they will be with you for the rest of your life, possibly long after this man is a distant memory.  

I hope it’s ok to post here. I’ve been dealing with this pretty much exactly and I have been extremely anxious. My boys are teens. I make them a priority. I’ve been out 7 mos in my own place. My boys are doing pretty well and like my boyfriend The boyfriend has never married. He loves me but he lives with his Uncle and Aunt. It’s starting to bother me. He answers to them as in they call asking what he wants for dinner or when he will be home. We are in our 40’s. He stays with me often if kids aren’t there. He has a job. Not sure how to feel.