When disappointment takes you by surprise

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This topic contains 19 replies, has 1 voice, and was last updated by  Jen 1 year, 1 month ago.

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  • #750566 Reply


    I have been dating with this guy since March. We were LDR, but everything was easy and nice as we both are self-employed. I was excited about him as he seemed to check all my boxes, but then the reality hit me in the face.

    This time he visited me in the city I live in. I was thrilled to receive him here and to have him for the whole week. I have suggested a lot of activities as we both enjoy museums, theatre and art in general. I remember to keep my expectations low as I know that in the LDR, when you don’t see each other on a daily/weekly basis, the tendency is to put a lot of pressure on the quality time filled with different activities in a time frame that is rather restricted.

    The first 3 days went well or quite well. On the 4th day he announced that he actually had no more money on his bank account. And by no more, I mean not enough to even buy himself a water. I ended up paying for everything 3 days in a row. I don’t mind paying or inviting, and I am a generous person, but that was just beyond my imagination. I just can’t help but think that this is not normal for a man that is almost 40 Y/O, not to have even 10 euros saved for the emergency. Let alone to go to visit his GF with no money. Then I feel that it is weird that he wasn’t ashamed buy this at all. I live in a city where his parents and friends live, so borrowing some cash from someone for 3 days wouldn’t be a problem, I guess. I offered to lend him so money as well, he refused. I felt ridiculous when I asked him to go to a shop to buy some bread and water and I had to give him money to pay. I felt like a mommy that sends a child to do the grocery.

    I am really turned off by this. I don’t expect a man to pay for everything, but I definitely want to be entertained. Instead we have spent the whole weekend on the couch watching Netflix (or me watching Netflix, because he falls asleep in 10 minutes anyway). I definitely resent him now. I don’t know, maybe I make a fuss about nothing, but I just feel taken for granted and ignored. Like he made no effort. Tonight, he had a chance to make it right as he got his salary, but unfortunately he was too tired to take me out. He is leaving tomorrow, and I am so turned off that that will be probably our last goodbye. I liked the guy, but I see no point in putting so much effort into seeing him, as the LDR consume a lot of resources such as time, when my needs are not fulfilled.

    #750568 Reply


    You only barely dated 2.5 months! This is what it’s like getting to know someone. I don’t understand if he is self employed why he would get a salary? That makes no sense to me. But now you know what’s he’s like and so say good bye and meet someone local. Then you won’t take so long to be surprised. Sounds like you already did most of the work in this LDR by doing all the traveling to him. That should have been your first red flag. The man should come to you!

    #750569 Reply



    #750570 Reply


    It makes no sense to me either as I am an enterpreneur myself. I never let this kind of situations to happen. I always have enough money on my saving account that would me live for at least 3 months. That is kind of basic when you never now how much you will earn. And I am 8 years younger than him. I actually never travelled to him, we were just meeting in different spots. In Europe that is easy, the flights are cheap, but I get your point.

    #750571 Reply


    I know Raven, I just wanted to post it, because I wanted to make myself sure that I am not crazy feeling what I am feeling right now.

    #750573 Reply


    How do you know he doesn’t already have a girlfriend if you never went to his place? That might be why he was not wanting to use too much money and he may not even have his own business if he gets a salary.

    #750574 Reply


    haha, I find the tendency on this forum to believe that every guy on earth has a secret girlfriend rather funny.

    #750576 Reply


    Ok. Laugh if you will. But most women who post on here about LDR men end up finding out he either has a wife, gf or is seeing other women. There is no reason why a man chooses LDR if he wants a real relationship. It’s rare they ever work out because men don’t bond through just talking and sporadic meet ups. They bond by doing things in person with you. And unless there is an end game where one of you move closer there is no real point in LDR. It also is almost impossible to really get to know the person because you don’t spend much time together and as you experienced you saw a whole different side of him when you did. Which you could have found out sooner had you lived closer and had weekly dates. I never understand why women choose to meet men who don’t live nearby. Long distance isn’t conducive to dating getting to know each h others friends and family and the viiability of integrating each other into your lives. Plus the majority of men who choose LDR are emotionally unavailable and seek out these relationships for all the reasons I just cited. He can conceal things from you and it takes you much longer to know who he really is. My question to you is why can’t or won’t you try to meet someone local who you can have a real relationship with?

    #750577 Reply


    you are most certainly right. However my rant is not about that.

    #750579 Reply


    Why do you assume that I can’t or won’t, It has been not even 3 months and you don’t have sny other information about my past relationships.

    Apart from this, I find your opinion about LDR spot on. I had my concerns for the same reasons you brought up and it looks like I was correct.

    #750580 Reply


    It actually is. You allowed a man you barely know to spend a week with you. You haven’t visited his own home or verified he is who he says he is which is why you are so thrown off about this money issue. Had you sent his home, met a few friends, got to hear from them what he’s about, you could have saved yourself the trouble of supporting a stranger for 3 or four days. My guess is that he had money and didn’t want to spend it. Did you actually see is bank account to verify he had no money? Are you saying he didn’t have at least one credit card in his possession? I think he totally duped and used you. Even without cash in the bank, everyone carried a credit card. How did you fall for his excuse about the no money in the bank scam?

    #750582 Reply


    I actually did meet his friends and family as I live in hi hometown. I also have seen his banc account and he had exactly 0.16 euro in it. You are right about me letting a stranger into my house, I should have vetted him better. I just don’t find him insincere, just an as*.

    #750583 Reply


    I just didn’t see it coming as on other occasions we met it was just perfect. Well, I got overexcited prematurely, guilty as charged. I can be bashed for this as well, if you feel like it too.

    #750589 Reply


    Donna, I think this is something you need to at least bring up and talk about. He could be going through a ‘rough patch’ as business’ are cyclic where you can do great for awhile and then as seasons, economics or fads change it can slow down or become redundant. What kind of business does he engage in? How much time and effort is he putting into it because if you stop putting in the time or don’t have enough people buying your product then you need to either re-invest to something else, sell, liquidate, or get out of business ownership entirely if you don’t have the money, time and devotion to keep it operating.

    I own a business and I’ve had economic struggles, primarily in the first three years as I was building it to my vision and the potential I knew it could be with a lot of hard work and yes some tears when I had bills coming but not the revenue to cover them all yet where I remember saying ‘please don’t cash that check, please don’t cash that check” and lucky they didn’t and able to skim by without paying myself for quite awhile but thankfully I have a retirement check that covers my living expenses or I would have been a hobo too lol. If he’s still in his ‘early years’ then it could be this, or economic or something else if he’s had it for more than five years. Something you should at least discuss so you have a true picture of his business and vision before making an assumption that very well could be false without having any facts to work with.

    Personally LDR’s are super difficult to ‘kick off’ a relationship with because it takes a lot longer to build a bond with a stranger you barely know nor spend time with. Integrating your lives is still a very necessary element of a relationship and if you are spending no REAL time together its impossible to get to know the REAL person without seeing them in their natural environments such as work, with friends, family, hobbies, at home, etc. Until you’ve had a good amount of time observing them in all their elements its impossible to really know them until you do, whereas it would have taken less than a week to figure out he was BROKE and couldn’t afford to spend any time with you if you didn’t start out the way you did because the internet/cell phone is cheap v. spending time and money on someone you’re trying to attract, impress, and show how good of a partner he would make.

    I hope this at least taught you a lesson that starting off in an LDR without spending a good amount of time together first puts you at a huge disadvantage because its impossible to verify or validate a man’s true character without having anything to work with other than what he wants you to know while keeping important stuff out, like this, because it could very well be what turns a lot of girls off locally.

    #750592 Reply


    It’s called dating. And this is exactly why you date and why it often doesn’t work out. All seems good in the beginning because, hey, everyone’s nice at first. But by 90 days it’s impossible to keep up a front and the cracks start to show. And that’s when you find out if you’re compatible or not. You simply got too excited too fast, which is a mistake lots of people make when they meet someone they click with initially.

    To just announce at four days in he’s completely broke and then sit back and let you pay for everything for three days, and not try to borrow money from local friends or family or make it up to you when he did get paid is definitely a deal breaker and it’s a good thing you found out when you did.

    The only thing I find confusing is why you say you scheduled a lot of activities inside of a week, which presumably cost a fair bit, even though you said you realized that is an LDR trap that people fall into. Maybe would have been good to have discussed the budget and activities for the week ahead of time.. but, I think you found out what you needed to know at the right time. This wasn’t going anywhere no matter what.

    #750606 Reply


    I would find it exhausting to have to do an activity every single day. There is nothing wrong with just chilling and spending calm time together. I’m not sure he ran out of money so much as used it as an excuse to slow things down. You say you didn’t mind paying, but you really do. You didn’t say if you agreed on an agenda prior to him arriving. That would have helped from a money and planning perspective.

    I’m also surprised you expected him to borrow money from friends and family. That’s a terrible suggestion. We all know borrowing money ruins relationships. Why didn’t you come up with a plan and discuss with him how you would split costs for the days he was without so he could reimburse you once he got the funds in? Granted he should have offered but you didn’t have to go into those three days paying for everything. He is barely even a boyfriend.

    I would ask him how he intends to pay back his portion for those days. If he refuses or ignores you know where you stand. But if he agrees and gives you the money you can decide from there how to handle things moving forward. I also think a week of time together can reveal compatibility. Money aside it seems he likes more down time and you prefer to have someone always entertaining you.

    #750608 Reply


    Completely Broke after 4 days… Completely Broke

    #750619 Reply


    Thank you Lane, that was a really helpfull advice. I know that running a business can be rough sometimes. I have my own business to and there are months that I earn less.

    I said that I suggested activities, not planned in advance. Many of them didn’t require any money. I know that doing something all the time can be exhausting and I like cuddling on the sofa and doing nothing, but that is not the point.

    I think I didn’t express myself clearly. I don’t mind paying, but I do mind when I am the one that pays all the time.

    The bottom line is that I just expect an almost 40 year old man to be able to pay for incidentals.

    #750696 Reply


    He’s not the man for you. This is the real him.

    #750859 Reply


    Money issue huh? Simple, just tell him “no money, no love”.

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