This topic contains 22 replies, has 1 voice, and was last updated by fox 3 weeks, 1 day ago.
April 4, 2019 at 4:44 pm #745068
I have had a long relationship 11 years – but I was too young when it started and it ended mostly because we both grew up and realized we are changed. And after that relationship I haven’t basically found love for 10 years. I have had men interested me, short term relationships – but all of these have ended me falling in love and men ending it. And I just don’t get this. I haven’t rushed into those things, I have been slowly growing the feelings etc. But men just seems to be fall in me quickly and when I finally (after few months) start to feel same back, they are out. Yes, perhaps Im more flirty and uncatchable in the beginning, but I don’t do it on purpose, I just don’t know the person yet. And slowly my trust and feelings grow and then tables turn.
Objectively to evaluate myself – I’m always nice with persons, also with all those guys since the start; im not overly jealous (only when there is a real reason); i don’t demand, control; Im not too clingy (yes, I show my interest, but not up to a level when it gets obsession). I let them initiate, Im responding, sometimes initiate myself too.
I never play games.
And my last “almost relationship” ended again in painful way. I really thought it’s the real thing this time – both of us are looking for real thing, starting a family etc. All the connection was there; emotions, caring, feelings. He was so into me and I was always so nice with him too, just took it more slowly at first. And just about when my feelings started to grow, then after 6 months he wanted out. And Im here, heartbroken again, just not getting why I don’t have that luck in love.
Probably Im not even expecting any advice from here. But perhaps there is someone similar as me?April 4, 2019 at 5:00 pm #745070
Read more books about dating, men, relationships. I think you are inexperienced and need to catch on men psychology.April 4, 2019 at 5:26 pm #745077
The essence of staying in love is when both parties feel it very strongly over a long period of time. Its not really about what you do or don’t do, its about creating a connection that’s so strong neither of you want to be a part from each other. It’s rare to find however so you may only experience it once or twice in your life so when you do find it again try to keep it alive.April 4, 2019 at 8:00 pm #745101
I suspect what a lot of women think are relationships or “almost relationships” (as you call it) are little more than sexual musical chairs. A man KNOWS fairly early on whether he can see himself with a woman long-term or not. The thing is, men still have sexual and companionship needs even if the woman is not The One, so if the woman is reasonably attractive to him and offers her body outside of marriage, he’ll stick around for a time. When things start to get REAL some months in and it’s time to buckle down and have a future, conveniently that is when men who were never serious about a woman call it quits. The days of a woman only engaging in sexual intimacy with a man who has married her seem to be over, so what we have now are a lot of women who get used and end up hurt.April 4, 2019 at 9:07 pm #745105
It is true that not-allowance of sex outside marriage was protecting women in many ways, but there were also lots of unhappy marriages. However no fertility clinics en mass. Women got married YOUNG and they had kids young too and lived to see their grand kids and even grand-grand kids, that’s how it went. Whether they were happy or not, nobody cared about them. Most people were preoccupied with survival and hard day-to-day work, happiness was a luxury topic for the upper classes and wealthy.
Fox, you said this last guy bailed after 6 months. Were there any signs? Did you notice anything different before he bailed? Did you ask him why? If there is a chance to talk, ask him for the reasons, it is important for you to know. It maybe that he was not in love, or it maybe that there is some incompatibility that he saw but you missed.April 5, 2019 at 4:30 am #745113
@Andrea and Emma – I wouldn´t say it´s only about sex, these men during the years have shown me a real interest too, introducing me to their friends and involving me in different activities. They start really strongly, showing their interest and when I start to trust them and take more seriously after couple/some months because their constant (and at least looking sincere) interest, they just drop off. I can´t keep playing “chase me” games forever, or actually I even don´t play these at all, it truly takes me time to get to know a person and start to grow feelings, so perhaps I´m more “cold” in the beginning. But at some point of course I start to feel something back to them, especially if their own behavior has been leading me to believe that they are sincere.
The last “almost relationship” – i call it this way because we were during these months related really closely, I know big part of his family and friends, I was included in family events, he asked to leave some of my things to his apartment, he even wanted me to be his girlfriend after 2 months, but I wasn´t ready to give him that commitment yet… but we kept the same relations after that and continued to be in each other lives exactly the same as before. All of our talks and actions showed that we are heading towards to be committed. Since the start when we met we had really good communication, treating each other good, sharing a big part of our every day doings. There´s a small nuance – I´m not from the same country, although I have been related to this country past years really closely and I spend a lot of time there and there is opportunity and willing for me to move to there permanently at some point (both countries are only few hours flight away and culturally and economically similar, so it´s not that we are talking about major cultural differences). So we saw each other pretty often, but had to spend some of the time apart too due to the distance reasons. Reasons which could be changed. He knew about these factors from the start.
Emma – you asked did I saw any signs that it was coming? Not really to be honest… I had to come back to home at that month and suddenly I felt that he just started to back off, although the last time together we had both told to each other that we are in love, we want to be together etc. Suddenly he was colder to me, starting to treat me less nice, started to talk with other girls/women, because we were “unofficial”. It all lead us to big misunderstandings and breaking things off in the beginning of February. We didn´t spoke 3 weeks at all.
In March I was in his town – didn´t stay at his place this time as I used before. But we met up even couple of days in the row and SPOKE. Everything from our hearts. He apologized that he hurt me. He told me that for him the “turning point” in our relations was that night when he asked me “who are we?” and I didn´t know what to answer at that time. He told he wanted me to be his girlfriend but since he saw I wasn´t sure he started subconsciously distance himself. But I really wasn´t sure yet at that time! Never treated him badly before or after that question, I just needed more time… He told that he still has feelings towards me; we both care about each other, I could see that and I´m sure it´s sincere. That he wants to have a real relationship, start a family.
He knows that I´m willing to move there… but he is just too lukewarm about it now and I can´t take any next steps if a guy is being lukewarm. We have been keeping up the contact after last time here and there (he initiated and I replied) – talking about casual stuff and about his family and our mutual friends etc. He replies quickly to my messages, looks every insta stories what I post, likes my pictures… but is being really careful with his words and actions not to lead me on again. I can see that he is actively searching new people into his life atm, so it means that he doesn´t want to give us a chance or new start anymore.
If something which started so good and right and ended up crashing like this, then I really don´t know anymore where I went wrong or how it´s possible to find a real love overall. I really thought that it´s the real thing this time. We still treat each other with great respect and obviously caring, but even that is not enough.
We are both at the second part of our thirties if that matters and we both want to have a family and find a real thing – that has been said from both of us. If that information matters anyhow.April 5, 2019 at 6:29 am #745115
Dont beat yourself up about how you conducted yourself in the relationship or analyse what you could have done differently. I’m sure you are a great girlfriend – you didn’t fail or do anything wrong. Often things just don’t work out. Simple. Two people coming together is sheer chance (meeting someone,) good timing (wanting the same things at the same times) as well as liking each other/getting along together and all the other nuances that come with a relationship. You have no control over what the other person thinks or feels, you can only take confidence in knowing you were true to yourself and gave things a good go. Keep your chin up, take time to heal, then try again xxApril 5, 2019 at 8:23 am #745118
I think it is “easy” to talk about being patient and giving things a try and “the right man will come” but if you are a woman in your mid 30’s who wants a kid, you don’t really have time for 6 month failures. The fact is you made something work for 10 years, so you clearly have some idea how to function in relationship.
I think perhaps something is off about being cold/hard to get/a puzzle early on in a relationship. You might present a challenge to a man who doesn’t realize he is just trying to crack into you. Maybe if you started with a little more emotional availabilty, you’d weed out the guys looking for a challenge.
Secondly, if the number of divorcees with kids and the number of men cheating on their wives is any indication, a lot of people out there are “settling” to have kids. Obviously it takes two to settle. I suspect a lot of women settle with men they are not really attracted to for the sake of starting a family. Over time, the sex dwindles (sex with someone you aren’t really attracted to is hard to maintain over time).
Lastly, we are in an era where if you want kids, you can have them without a husband. It might not be ideal, but I’d start thinking about your options in that department. You can find love at any age; you can only have babies until a certain point. You might rethink what your family looks like, especially if having kids is important to you.April 5, 2019 at 11:07 am #745126
R, thank you for your kind words, these even brought tears into my eyes while reading this. I admit that my past relations might have been with guys who were wishy-washy at that time and not knowing themselves what they want – nevertheless it wasn’t “excuse” to lead me on and then back off when I started to gain feelings (but well, I guess these thing happen). I learned from these experiences that I should make sure that a man is in the same page with me, wants to have a real thing and not just fun.
So with this guy I did things “correctly” (at least in my own mind) – we both wanted the (and still want) the same thing from life, we want something real, a life partner, kids (not only me, he too!) etc. I didn’t jump into the relationship straight away; i was taking it realistically at first, but it didn’t mean that I wasn’t ready to continue to grow it stronger step by step. Maybe I should have told him that more clearly, but I didn’t at that time. When we talked later he kept bringing up that night when he asked who are we and since I didn’t give a concrete answer it was unconciously a changing point to him.
It’s sad that even if both persons have the attraction, sexual compability, similar views to the life (including being exclusive from the start we begun to be physical), intellect, feelings and caring – it still doesn’t work out. I don’t find these persons in my life too often (perhaps only a few during years) and it scares me. And now he is there, looking new people in his life… Im not able to date nobody yet (going for a coffe or drink is one thing, but being open to fall in love or hug/kiss them; i just can’t and knowing myself, it takes a lot of time for me now again to get over). I tried to see some new people, but I felt that Im not ready and it would be dishonest to lead somebody else on. Not to mention those men who have same views and wishes are hard to find overall – usually men in suitable age group in my country already have their families or want only to play around.
anon – I really can’t imagine having kids alone. Being myself a kid from a broken family – it’s hard, but having a kid without even having that family at all in the beginning – it’s not right for me.
Your sentence “Maybe if you started with a little more emotional availabilty, you’d weed out the guys looking for a challenge” – perhaps it was a problem in my past relations indeed a bit. But this time I truly feel that I was sincere and open from the start, just my feelings grew a bit slower – it wasn’t that I created some mystery or puzzle deliberately. I was emotionally available from the start, just my emotions took time to grow. Maybe it was also due to my past relations that I was taking it slowly and more calm. My emotions started to grow when he kept saying how much he likes me (and showing actions too, not only words), when he at first and after some time we both said we are in love etc… So I don’t know.April 5, 2019 at 3:01 pm #745146
Trust me, if a guy is really into you he will wait. It took me over five months before I fell the first signs of love with my now ex husband, took me longer before I could trust my now BF was ‘all in’ too. There was something going on with him that e couldn’t take it further; it append to a lot lot of us, myself Included where I just can’t go further than where we’ve gone, so your situation isn’t unique.
Just continue to be you and you’ll meet him when your not even expecting it 😁👍April 5, 2019 at 5:25 pm #745160
@Lane – thank you for your input. In my little mind I was always thinking that we have that time, that he is willing to wait for me until I figure it all out about my moving there etc… He always told me he wants it to work out. He was in love. That it ended suddenly like this, I didn’t see it coming. I would say he played with me, that he was not sincere… if we would not have the last time when we talked from all the heart. I really think he was and is lovely person, just for some reason, he dropped out from his strong feelings. I could see and feel that feelings are still there between us, he even told me that he still has feelings, just he is just not pursuing me anymore and taking it with his rational mind. And it hurts obviously – to be lead on, to be told that he wants to make it work, to introduce me to his family and be so big part of my everyday life… and just drop out like this.
I have continued to be me past 10 years I haven’t had a relationship. I have had men interested me, pursuing me, but those things have crashed for this or that reasons. None of those guys probably wasn’t at that point to have something serious with me. I didn’t even date noone past 1,5 years before I met the last guy – I was ok with my single life; travelling a lot, having my hobbies and friends. I keep doing it, obviously. But in the end of the day I still come home alone, do my walks alone, Im alone. And I want to be with someone who is good to me. I have keeping reminding myself that person comes along… well, he cam, suddenly, without me expecting it, and I was enjoying doing some meaningful things with somebody after 10 years. Holding hands. Looking into eyes. Planning future. I loved our every day talks. So many times I just wish to crab my phone and text/call him, but I know it’s not good idea. Even if he would reply me within minutes or closest hours (depends how busy he is)… it’s not the same how it used to be.
Im not idealizing him. He is awesome in so many ways: loyal, emotional as me, good manners, we could speak truly from the heart about our expectations and fears, we have exactly the same goals… and sometimes I have felt that he is too much a dreamer. He is not good support financially (not that I care about a man’s money, just moving to another country takes at least for the start a bit more effort from his side)… but who is perfect? I haven’t found that perfect guy 10 years from my city or country and in nowadays world when people are free to travel and live/work abroad freely it’s even narrowminded to expect that my soulmate should be from the next street. As I said, guys from my country mostly want to have fun and play around even at their 40-50ies, because they have too many good women single in here and it has ruined their attitude to have something more meaningful.
Im tired of waiting that guy to come into my life. Im tired of being alone. He is too, just somehow it didn’t work out. And at this point Im not truly understanding it why not.
Sorry, Im just venting in here, it kind of even feels good to spill my emotions and thoughts out anonymeusly like this.April 5, 2019 at 6:00 pm #745161
Then only thing I can see that you are doing “wrong” I think maybe you are giving too much benefit of the doubt and spending too much time with these guys, when you should cut them off at 2-3 months mark. The man has to put in an effort in a relationship and has to be consistent, you need to develop a mindset that you are evaluating these guys for a long term relationship and not the other way around. I think it would be good for you to read Why Men Love Bitches.April 5, 2019 at 6:18 pm #745162
alia – but 2-3 months it was perfect! he was into me, he made plans, promises, he lead me on. We both actually were doing good in 2-3 months. I was in his life; I was introduced to his family, the future was just ahead. These were his words (and mine too) that we want to make it work. Just 2-3 months was too early for me to move to his place permanently or to have a kid… This thing between us survived 2-3 months benchmark even despite of the occasional distance. It crashed after 6-7 months, depending how to calculate the first point.
Men might love bitches, but Im not a one… Perhaps I should.April 5, 2019 at 8:50 pm #745173
Someone said it before. If you are lucky you will find one or two great loves in a lifetime. We seem to think that a man should be around every corner just waiting for us…nah.
Life is what you make it. Make it great! Live your life and enjoy it…hells bells do you know how many women would trade places with you? To have freedom to do as you please.
Forget men. Find yourself and fully live. That is the ticket to happiness and peace whether you are single or married.April 22, 2019 at 4:10 pm #747043
so an update… he has a new love. And I just can’t understand how it went so quick. I found out few days ago, since some girl started to put hearst under his picture and he put back. So I asked and he confirmed.
They met only ca 3 weeks ago, because apparently she started to work at the same place. Within past week she has already added all of his family in social media, so she has been introduced to family (I was too, pretty soon). She seems nice, so I have no point not to believe that she can’t be the “right one”.
But I can’t just understand how things move on for some people while I am even not able to go for a dates yet. I tried, with first one I just couldn’t have any romantic sparks (and he suggested that we should not see anymore) and second one is messed up from his broke up, so not going to happen anything with him too. All other conversations which I try to have in meeting app – they are just not on the same intellectual and emotional level how it was with him.
I have been accusing myself: it’s not he didn’t want a relationship with ME, he did… but I have probably reading too much dating advices and suggestions that take it slow, so I took it slow. He interprented it in his mind that I don’t want to be in relationship. We have talked about that night when he asked wo are we and I just wasn’t ready to give him that answer yet. I should have explained myself more at that time to him, but I didn’t, and he said it was a turning point to him for starting slowly to distance his feelings. Perhaps things would have turned out completely different, if I just would have gone with the flow.
I have been a bit needy, trying to fix things and hoping to make it work until the day he confirmed he has new love now. But the things I have said to him have been only nice and nothing rude or angry, so perhaps it won’t at least leave of me an impression as a total crazy bitch in the future, when he thinks about that with clear head. Or maybe he won’t think at all. But I was (and still obviously am) in love, so we all can be needy then.
I have gone trough anxiety and pain. Now Im just numb, which is much better already than be anxious.
And most of the times Im just so sad. He is not a bad guy, in fact, he is one of the best persons who I know. But the coldness how he answered to my question about is she his new love “yes. it is” – I would never do something to a person who I know is in love with me. I would at least try to explain why it went this way… make it softer for that person. I don’t know. I never said or did anything bad for him, so all of the story and his changing his mind basically overnight is painful lesson for me to learn. And Im afraid, because that lesson came for me in most fragile age – I want to have a family and kids and I know myself… it takes me months or even years sometimes to get fully over and find someone who measures up. I know I should be happy for him, but his happiness damaged mine at least for some x time now.
I KNOW I NEED TO MOVE ON! I know. But it takes time. And I am sad and confused that something like that happened with me again. I didn’t see it coming this time. And hardest months are probably ahead – Im still struggeling even find a proper guy to date while he is already happily together with someone. Possibly having kids soon etc.
Just venting in here and clearing my mind.April 22, 2019 at 4:13 pm #747044
correction: But I can’t just understand how things move on for some people so QUICK…April 22, 2019 at 5:52 pm #747052
Maybe stop looking at yourself as a victim in your life and more along the lines as the navigator. What happens in your life is largely up to you. Men, no men, jobs, etc.
Empower yourself. Look up some books or websites or women’s conventions and find that spark that fuels your life. Stop letting it happen to you and start cultivating some groundwork to establish a life (and attract a man you want) that’s in your control.April 22, 2019 at 6:22 pm #747054
You have good point, victimizing comes strongly and probably unconciously from my mom who does it herself really badly too. Although i have to say – I don’t do it all the time, most of the time I am pretty “normal” person. Just this topic in here is written in the timing when I’m not in strongest balance (actually opposite, it threw me on the back). And it has happened quite many times in my relations now to start to question what am i doing wrong and what should change? Because this time it really started rightly. That it went to the same hole as previously, ruined my balance again.
But thanks for your input, it does have a point.April 22, 2019 at 8:23 pm #747076
Better off single
I’m like you and I’ve kind of given up hope for something lasting and meaningful in an instant gratification society. I’ve learned to just have fun and if it doesn’t work out I’ll survive. Sure, the rejection hurts. I’ve been rejected enough to know I’ll be okay either way. I’ve learned to like being single and do my own thing. Make my own rules. Think for myself. Pretty much stop caring about the future or outcomes/judgement with other people and control my own space. Live in the moment.
In the past, I would cling onto a guy who liked/loved me and never gave him room to breathe out of insecurity he would leave me. The need to control everything to make sure I was by his side at all times to make sure he never cheated or wanted to leave me, gave me anxiety and in the end they would cheat or want to leave.
It took a lot of introspection and working out those inner demons to just rid myself of it and realize how much I was sabotaging myself and the cause of my own suffering.
I think the key to it is to learn to like spending time being with yourself. If you can’t do that, why would you expect anyone else to like being with you or spend time with you?April 23, 2019 at 4:19 am #747117
Hey Fox. I recognise a lot of myself in what you described. I also come from a broken family with no dad, and was in a very long-term relationship from a young age. Since then, I’ve been going through a constant stream of intense but short things with men who act absolutely crazy about me at first, then drop off the face of the earth and leave me completely shattered every time.
I’d suggest you look into some books about love addiction, avoidance and commitment issues to understand your own psychology when it comes to relationships, and to be aware of your toxic patterns. I personally identify as a love addict, and looking back at my track record since I separated, it’s clear now that I’ve only been attracting very troubled, emotionally unstable and otherwise avoidant men who see me as the answer to everything that’s wrong in their life, until suddenly they realise I’m only human. I get love-bombed every time, while I myself am more aloof until I finally give in to the man’s relentlessness. It’s generally then that things start going south. But every time it was a little different so it took me a while to see what was actually going on with me (and them).
You mention you were in a long-distance thing with your last man, which is also a situation I’ve experienced myself and it turned out the guy had a long history of dating and loving women from as far away as possible — can’t be more avoidant than that. It didn’t end well with him, of course. It crushed my spirit so badly, I thought I’d never recover.
The last one that came along, I thought he was « it », finally. What he was actually was the worst commitment-phobe I ever dated, but I didn’t have the tools back then to understand that. He crushed my heart, this one, but now I see what happened was bound to happen and I feel better.
I also have the victim mentality you have. Trying to change that and work on my boundaries with men so I don’t end up in the same situation again and again.
Good luck :)April 23, 2019 at 4:42 am #747118
I understand exactly how you feel
I’ve been single for 9 years. Had 2 relationships during this time, one worse than the other. And the men I dated in between….
I’ve come to the realization I’m the girl all men wants to sleep with. I have this Lara Croft type image. So they all want to have sex with me. But none of them actually wants to date me
So they pull all the moves to get me into bed, including lying about wanting a relationship, and when months later I give in and we finally have sex, they just disappear.
I’ve honestly had all the heartbreak I can take
I’m off the market nowApril 28, 2019 at 3:44 pm #747795
@Better off single @LanaLala @ anon
thanks girls! Not that I’m happy about that you are feeling the same as me, but at least I guess Im not complete weirdo.
@anon – I understand you! Im kind of the same – men mostly want to sleep with me and not have a real thing… but with the guy in the topic, it wasn’t the case. I had learned already from my past relations to be careful and ask his intentions from the start. Our “thing” continued despite of the distance and sex. He wanted to have a relationship, but as soon he understood it takes an effort, he pulled the chair from me. I never expect a person to do everything for me, but I needed support to start in new country. These were his promises trough months that he wants it to work out… until the day he didn’t. Up to this day I don’t understand why to give those promises, if you can’t follow those.
Today has been harsh day for me. He posted pictures all over his social media about him and his new love. Saying lovely words which he gave me just few months ago. I understand it up to some point – this girl is basically his neighbour, they work together, it’s so much easier to work out with that. But maybe Im too romantic or stupid – I think when there is a love between two persons, no distance matters, you just make it work. I was willing to do it. I know at least 6 couples who made it work from distance and being from another (culturally, economically etc) countries.
What I learned from this: people are flaky. Something what started so real and right; those words, actions, feelings and promises given doesn’t mean anything. It can change overnight. A person so in love and giving all the promises can fade out easily like this and find a new love only after a few months. Painful lesson to learn.
Thank you everyone for your support and ideas! Really.April 28, 2019 at 3:54 pm #747798
correction: being from another (culturally, economically SIMILAR etc) countries.
It was only a matter of time to change the distance.