Home › Forums › Complicated Situation / Mixed Signals › What would you do? ex- fwb turned friends situation just got a bit weird for me
- This topic has 11 replies and was last updated 3 years, 10 months ago by
Sensy.
-
AuthorPosts
-
cupcake
Ok so i had a FWB for a few years. He was always more eager (speak wanting a relationship) than me, so i cut it off. We stayed friends (i do really like his company) and for some time after, he managed to reel me back in to a FWB situation for a bit.
Anyways at some point (about 2 years ago) i had truly moved on in the regards to the FWB and we never went there again.
All went alright. I still felt like he was trying to get romantically closer at times, like inviting me to watch movies at his place, hugging a little too tightly/closely that sort if thing, but it was minimal so i ignored it. We essentially were two single ppl who would meet up, go to the movies, go for dinner etc but as friends.
Or so i thought. All good
But then i found out from a mutual friend that he actually has a fiance and they recently had a baby, which he never mentioned to me. I am pretty sure they met after we stopped being FWB , so no harm done, but i am a bit weirded out that he never mentioned anything to me. I mean isn’t that a little odd?
Like i know he has no obligation to tell me anything, but i find it really weird that he wouldn’t mention this at all. I certainly would have. I guess i just feel a little icky. Like if i was his SO i would absolutely not be ok with a situation like that.
So i don’t know how to react to him anymore. What would you do?
I feel like just ignoring him when he contacts me again, but is that petty and immature? Should i just casually mention his SO and baby and hope he will roll with it and we can continue to be friends (or stop being friends if he wants that). I do really value him as a friend, but i dunno, I find the whole situation a little inappropriate and i don’t know what the best course of action is.
Liz Lemon
Are you 100% sure this information is accurate? That is very, very weird. You two aren’t casual acquaintances, you’re friends. Yes, you were FWB, but at this point you’re friends. No one is under an obligation to tell anyone anything, but if you’re friends with someone it’s very odd to neglect to mention that you have a fiance and a new baby.
If I were you I’d probably call him on it but not in an aggressive way. I don’t know how often you two communicate, but the next time he gets in touch maybe say “So and so told me you’re engaged and have a baby, is that true?” and offer your congratulations when he confirms it. Don’t confront him in an aggressive way but rather along the lines of, “oh wow that’s lovely, congrats!” Do you feel comfortable asking him why he never told you?
Overall I agree this is very strange and I feel badly for his fiance most of all! It’s definitely not cool and it does seem borderline shady. I would not be OK with it at all if I were his fiance. Whether or not you should continue to be friends with him, I don’t know, honestly. It sounds like he has some issues, if he were genuinely over the FWB thing I would think he would have been honest and told you. He hid the info for some reason and that’s not good.
cupcake
Yeah it is true. I sneaked at the gf facebook page and there is the baby shower in his flat and there they are on the holiday he told me he went on alone. And there they are at the baby’s christening, the same day he told me he had to go to a christening of a friends baby. 😬
But then i have been to his flat to pick him up for stuff, and i swear it just looked like a single guys flat. He would wish me happy valentines and ask me to do stuff on new years and always complain how he was so lonely and all his friends are coupled up and have babies and have no time. I mean i dont even know what to say. So shady and weird.
And we live in a small town with mutual friends 🤦🏼♀️ extra weird
And even worse, they have apparently been together for years ( i sincerely hope not when we had a thing cos that would make me feel awful).
Anyways, he usually contacts me. I hardly ever contact him. So next time he does, i was thinking of just casually mentioning how his baby and fiance are? or maybe when he says good night i would say “good night, and good night to your partner and baby too”. But i don’t know if thats too passive aggressive? I really don’t wanna cause any drama, but i do want him to know, bc i don’t think what he is doing is right!
I have lied to my friend (the one who told me about it) that we havent really spoken in years so i don’t know about his personal life, bc i really don’t want this to be a thing or to cause his fiance any trouble.
If i am lucky he will just not contact me again, but i doubt it. So annoying, like i ve been made the bad girl and i didn’t even do anything 😡
Liz Lemon
Oh wow, so he lied and told you he had to go to a friend’s baby’s christening, when it was HIS baby? That’s messed up! He’s not just avoiding the topic. He’s outright lying about it.
If I were in your shoes, I would not be passive aggressive about confronting him. I would be direct. That’s just me personally. I would ask him outright. Again, not in a confrontational way necessarily. I would just say, I heard this from so and so and I want to know if it’s true. If you live in a small town and have mutual friends, he must have known you would find this out eventually!
From the way you describe him he doesn’t sound like a very close friend (he only contacts you once in awhile; you told your mutual friend you haven’t seen him in years, etc- so I’m assuming you don’t see him often). So after confronting him, I’d cut ties with him. You don’t need a “friend” in your life who pops up once in awhile and tells massive lies. If he’s deliberately hiding this from you, who knows what else he’s capable of lying about.
cupcake
Thanks Liz! No he is not a close friend. Just someone i meet up now and then. I love the idea of telling him, but do you think i should wait till he contacts me? I am not sure i feel comfortable reaching out with…well you know this? Kinda feel like just lying low and hoping he wont ever contact me…but if he does….tell him that? what do you think?
Liz Lemon
I wouldn’t reach out. Especially since he’s not that close of a friend, and you said before that you rarely initiate contact. I would just ask him if/when he contacts you again, just to clear the air. I agree with lying low for now, if he never contacts you again, then that’s fine! But if he does, you can let him know you know. Just my opinion.
If you live in a small town and run in similar circles, he may find out through the grapevine that this mutual friend talked about it with you. So who knows, he may be too embarrassed to contact you again, if he knows you found out.
cupcake
Thanks Liz! Yeah i think thats what i am going to do !
T from NY
Totally sounds like this guy holds a super unhealthy torch for you so didn’t mention the rest of his life because he’s hung up on possibly someday winning you over. Obviously something within you was warning you against his low character. And going to such lengths actually shows serious mental instability that he was able to compartmentalize and pretend the other woman and baby didn’t exist.
I definitely would not reach out. If he contacts you I would absolutely be direct and tell him you found out about his real life and ask him to please never make contact again. I would also caution you to beware if you completely cut him off. This guy seems not stable.
Newbie
I find all this extremely weird. If youre fine with confronting him when he contacts you, then ok. At first i felt you should confront him anyway but since what you two had was always a bit out of balance where you didnt want more its a bit odd to confront him actively. Why cause trouble where you dont feel betrayed or being set up. Yeah he lied, but thats a reason to stop seeing him all together.
Ss
This is just so weird cupcake!!! I can’t believe what a liar this guy is and how he had hoped to get away with it so long?! But also, just why if you are now platonic friends??
I wouldnt reach out but i would say something if/when he does contact you and then I’d tell him to f**k off!
cupcake
Guys, thank you so much for your responses. Just knowing that others find this situation weird also and it s not just me being overly sensitive, makes me feel so much better.
Yeah i have no idea what goes on in his head. I m not sure i want to know. But i ll keep my distance and if he should contacted me again, i’ll just ask him.
Thanks again
Sensy
The best action is to tel li him that out of respect for him, his fiance and baby, you feel it best to be friends and value each other from a far.
-
AuthorPosts
