This topic contains 24 replies, has 1 voice, and was last updated by Sara 2 months, 3 weeks ago.
May 21, 2019 at 4:46 am #750622
My BF and I have been together for about a year and a half. We had our ups and downs. Couple months ago we both gave each other three red flags in relationship to see if we can work on them before we call quits. While I have addressed his that were mostly around me being angry at him and lashing out. I have since then been on counselling session and read books or articles around anger management and self control. I saw it as a positive thing, a way to improve my general well being, mindset and feeling calmer.
I gave him my red flags that were don’t ask or beg me to apologise rather give me time to apologise at my own pace if I have done anything wrong , don’t ignore me or act random and do not let me go to sleep upset . He has addressed the one which says not to randomly ignore but he still demands apology and punishes me while we are having sex and still lets me go to sleep upset. I know for some sleeping off is good and there are arguments over it but it comes down to person and compatibility. Yesterday we had rough sex and then I was sad at night he very politely asked at night if we can address me being sad in the morning.
While I am ok with hard core whatever once in a while, we haven’t made love in a really long time and also when I have clearly told him that sleeping upset makes me anxious and angry, he still don’t want to talk about it at night makes me feel he doesn’t cares for me.
I am not looking to break up with him as yet. because we have lots of things wonderful that we do together and I can write pages and pages about it all day. What I am looking for here is how can I make him realise how serious I am when I say that I do not feel loved and cared when all we are doing is have rough sex and I sleep upset. He doesn’t gets it. I have told him in so many ways!
I have not responded to his good morning text today as I am very upset over what happened yesterday and I did not sleep much. Personally, if I do not talk to him then I can probably have a productive day at work. He has not bothered to message anything more either. If it was role reversal by now I will be all over him asking him what’s the matter why are you not responding etc. but he knows that I am upset and he doesn’t wants to react. He is introvert, thinker personality with lots of patience and he probably doesn’t cares anyway is what I am thinking. Whereas, I am too much in love with him and have no patience whatsoever!
I know some of you on here are very sensible and can understand how to react with certain type of people instead of just having a standard stance. Hence thought of asking. Thanks is advance.May 21, 2019 at 6:44 am #750638
Was he always a hardcore person or has he been romantic before? It could just be the way his character is and does not necessarily mean he has no care for you. Are you feeling unloved and unheard only in the sex area or overall? If you’ve had that conversation together before and he isn’t doing his part then it wont ever change unless you try and set up a romantic atmosphere and once you get into the sexing part voice out that you want it slow. Tell him you want to kiss and caress while he thrust slowly. Try guiding/show him to where you want things to be instead of arguing about what you want for a change. See if it makes a difference.May 21, 2019 at 8:42 am #750655
I can relate about wanting to talk right then about the issue, but I also can relate to wanting to discuss it later. My therapist once told me to wait 24 hours before talking about why I was upset or anger. She said once that 24 hours were up try to remember what exactly it was that made me upset and determine if it was still a big enough issue to discuss or if it was something to dismiss as being dramatic or silly. Its a lot more difficult to do than most realize especially if you are physically with that person. However I started being more self aware. When I felt myself get upset I would simply tell my boyfriend at the time, that I was going to go home because I wanted to be alone. Of course he would ask if something is wrong and I would be honest and tell him ‘possibly but I don’t want to discuss it right now’. I would give him a kiss on the cheek and go home. I wouldn’t act out. I was say that and leave. I would then either turn my phone off or put it on air plane mode. After a couple hours of calming down I would realize I was probably being too sensitive or being dramatic and when I turn back on my phone, I would usually have some really sweet message from my boyfriend. It was a win-win for everyone and our relationship got a lot better. The other thing I do now that I’m casually dating is I write how I’m feeling in a journal. I’ll ask myself why I am feeling the way that I’m feeling. Is it just a cover up because I really want attention and I’m being needy. And once again the underlying issue is generally insignificant to bring up.
I think the best thing for you would to start turning your phone off, and taking time to yourself to really think and be by yourself when these fights occur.May 21, 2019 at 9:10 am #750662
Am i getting this right? You both wanted to work on yourself to improve and for now you have done your work and he is still the same? As in being rough in bed, punish you during sex (really?) demanding you to say sorry and let you go to bed upset. And yet you want to continue this relationship. If he doesnt care about your feelings and uses you like a ragdoll in stead of a partner, i call it time to quit. Why stay with this guy? It will only get worse and it already looks like a very toxic relationshipMay 21, 2019 at 9:14 am #750664
Stop talking. If you’ve talked with him about this multiple times and it’s not changing, it’s time to take action.
If you don’t like having rough sex, then don’t have sex with him without talking first about the fact you want gentle and not rough and getting his agreement, and if he gets too rough, you have to get out of bed and walk away. Stay calm and don’t lash out. When you show him with your actions you aren’t going to tolerate him doing what he wants any longer, he will either stop or still ignore you and keep it up, in which case you have a decision to make about whether you’re staying with someone who has no regard for you, and in fact will hurt you knowingly.
You can’t MAKE anyone do anything, FYI. There’s not a magic bullet or pill or magic words to make him listen and take you seriously. It’s possible you two are not compatible, based on what you’re saying. I know you’re not going to break up with him today, but he isn’t treating you right, no matter how good things are on other counts, and it feels like you’re kind of in denial about that.May 21, 2019 at 9:15 am #750665
And if he won’t agree to be gentle, tell him you’d prefer to wait on sex until he’s in the mood for gentle as you’ve had enough of rough for a while.
if he won’t respect that, you really need to get out of this relationship.May 21, 2019 at 9:24 am #750666
I don’t see how being forced to have rough sex against your will as punishment is any different than being physically assaulted as punishment. If he is causing you pain and you stay STOP he stops or he veers into assault territory.
There are people who do enjoy rough sex as a part of a healthy sex life, but that is a MUTUALLY enjoyed and consented upon activity. When you are done, you don’t go to bed angry or upset about what was done with you.
You are being physically abused against your will. Get. Out. The bigger problem is not with you, it is with him.May 21, 2019 at 10:58 am #750675
First of all let me say that I think it’s really admirable you and your boyfriend recognized you were having ups and downs, identified the red flags together and agreed to work on them. I’m also glad you have worked on your anger management and self control. I can really relate to Jessica’s post because I do the same thing when I argue with my husband. I need a cooling off period and need to determine if I’m really upset with him or if it was just because I was having a bad day, or I was tired or emotional, etc. I actually like taking 24 hours to figure out if it even matters the next day and the funny thing is usually it doesn’t! But if you push me to talk about something in the heat of the moment, and when I’m not at my best, you can almost guarantee there will be things said which wouldn’t have been if you just let yourself calm down. When you’re so mad or upset all you’re seeing is red, it’s in no one’s best interest to continue the conversation under tempers can subside. So while I agree it sucks to go to bed upset, it also sucks to continue having a heated discussion or argument and stay up all night trying to resolve something and no one getting any sleep when if you just went to sleep you may wake up the next morning with a totally different attitude on it. So I can’t agree your method of not going to bed upset is the right answer here.
However, clearly demanding an apology or punishing you during sex are areas he needs to work on. You say that he “politely asked at night if we can address me being sad in the morning.” This was your chance to address the issue and say no I would like to discuss it now. To me this says he does care about you and wants to do as you ask, so you should have spoken up!!! Now you are resentful and being passive aggressive and not answering his texts. If you are still upset then why can’t you tell him you agreed to talk about you being sad this morning and you would like to have this discussion because you feel he isn’t making you feel heard. No man WANTS to deal with an upset woman, especially when she’s upset with him! So you really can’t blame him for not begging you to tell him what’s the matter when he likely knows why you’re upset for the most part. My advice is to let him know you still want to talk this morning like you agreed last night. Don’t ignore the elephant in the room!May 21, 2019 at 12:36 pm #750695
All I gained from the story is that you have a nasty temper and you two fight a lot.
Can this really be fixed? Sounds like you two are a miserable combination.May 21, 2019 at 12:44 pm #750698
“punishing you during sex are areas he needs to work on. ”
Actually, that’s something he needs to GO TO JAIL FOR. Full stop. Maybe not that dramatic, but physically hurting her during sex, if she is saying no, is basically a mix of rape and physical assault.
No one would tell her to “work on things” if he was hitting her.
“To me this says he does care about you and wants to do as you ask, so you should have spoken up!!!”
She has spoken up and told him she doesn’t want the rough sex YET HE STILL DOES IT. He does it against her will, she ends up sad because she is basically being abused and he asks her to sleep on it. He doesn’t care about her. He cares about getting his sexual needs met, even if it causes her pain and hurts her mentally.May 21, 2019 at 12:59 pm #750701
Anon yes you are being overly dramatic! No where does she say she said no, no where does she say he physically hurt her. I’m not sure where you are getting he is physically assaulting her!! Actually she says, “While I am ok with hard core whatever once in a while, we haven’t made love in a really long time.” So really she was just upset because she wanted to feel like they were making love and he wanted it rough.
Also where do you get she has spoken up and told him she doesn’t want rough sex?? Where are you getting that? All she has told him is she doesn’t like to go to sleep upset. She was sad after the rough sex and he didn’t want to talk about it then. She should have spoken up. Period. End of Story.May 21, 2019 at 1:09 pm #750705
This is easy….come up with a ‘code word’ that signifies your not in the mood for rough sex and need some calm time together. This word alerts him prior to proceeding and if he starts getting rough then you look him in the eyes and repeat it! See how that works and it may solve some of your problems as long as you don’t over abuse the word and available for some rough sex here and there. It’s called negotiating and just need to find the middle ground, in this case a word, to express it properly .May 21, 2019 at 1:17 pm #750713
Code word? So we are now talking 50 shades of grey?May 21, 2019 at 2:19 pm #750726
He is introvert, thinker personality with lots of patience doesn’t necessarily mean he doesn’t care what you think. He’s careful with what he says because you come off as a ticking time bomb and he doesn’t want to set it off.
You going to bed upset is on you. That’s how you’re choosing to react to it. Hoping he will do something about your being upset like its his responsibility to fix? No offense, if it were me, I’d be running to a place to hide from you to avoid more conflict until you cooled off the emotional jets and came to your senses. No good morning text from me. Nuh-uh. You’re making the first move. That’s a brave man you got there.May 21, 2019 at 2:33 pm #750733
Eh, the part where she claims he punishes her with rough sex makes me think it’s not being consented to. Agreeing to gentle sex and then all the sudden getting painful sex because you’ve been bad is not OK. It’s not so much the type of sex, it’s that he is “punishing” her physically.
Like how is pounding her in bed (when that’s not what she wants) any different than hitting her in the head instead of giving her a scalp massage because she was “bad”.May 21, 2019 at 2:35 pm #750735
And if I went to bed with my guy, asking to make love, and he started giving me rough sex I didn’t ask for as punishment, and not stopping…. I’d go to bed upset too (probably somewhere else).May 21, 2019 at 3:01 pm #750741
Hi everyon, thank you all for your contribution to this thread. Here is an update. Straight after I wrote on here. He messaged me apologizing for letting me go to bet upset yesterday, but also said that sometimes he don’t know if he can make me happy so he can’t promise if in future he will not do it again. He then joked that I can punish him. tbh I enjoy our relationship but I would want long satisfying love making sometimes too which has not happened in a long time (I thought I would clear the air for some of you, not reporting him). I told him I will call in half an hour but five mins after that I slipped from stairs, twisted my ankle and was taken to hospital for x-ray. There was a long wait. BF did not know if to come or not as I was with relative. He kept in touch. They were waiting for orthopaedic surgeon when I noticed that he follows a girl who is single and is not related to him in any way. I asked him about her and he said she is ex-colleague, I checked on Linkedin and she was not in the same company as him ever. He then sent me screenshot of similar looking girl who was his ex-colleague and wants me to apologise!!
Background is that he was dating lots of women for a year before he met me. When we became exclusive these women kept popping-up and commenting on his pictures trying to flirt with him. We had a fight over every single women that he had to block. Sometimes I was right and sometimes wrong. This has developed some kind of insecurity and trust issues which are getting better with time and after meeting his family but they get triggered with such a petty thing.
I do not like that he orders me to apologise. I am back home from hospital now (thankfully its just a sprain). He has messaged saying , call when ready to apologise. I have messaged back saying, I need a good night sleep and good day tomorrow and everyday so I am not going to call you. He replied, stop messaging me then. I said, go ahead and block me.
He has not messaged back, has not asked how am I (obviously) and I guess I will be sleeping upset today again :(
I know I am so wrong but I do need to feel loved, cared and safe. There are just thousands of women wanting to flirt with him and he was a serial dater when he met me. I am trying to work on trust issues and I am ready to admit when I am wrong but he needs to give me some space, just like how he thinks he should get space when he wants to avoid speak at night about issues. I really don’t know now if I should call him to apologise or leave it forever..May 21, 2019 at 3:09 pm #750744
I had such a rough day, six hours at A&E and now I am again feeling ignored and unloved, going to bed upset. Sorry for the rant but I am so unhappy :(May 21, 2019 at 3:12 pm #750746
I don’t understand all the talk about punishment. For what? This relationship sounds toxic and sick. You don’t trust him. He forces you to do and say things you don’t want to. I would not be surprised at all if he was unfaithful. Nothing about this sounds emotionally or physically healthy. I think you are clinging to a very bad situation. But are either afraid to be alone or just can’t see it because you don’t know what a healthy relationship looks like.
You don’t need his permission to take space from him and think what is best for you. I would suggest you do that and not be in contact with him so as to clear your head. Talk this they with friends if you can. Write down what you like and don’t like about this retionship. If there are more dislikes than you can see this is never going to work for you. Put yourself first and him on the back burner so you can think with a clearer head. You may even find that the peace and sleep you experience will thout him around is a relief and something you want in the future without his anger, control and aggressiveness in your life.May 21, 2019 at 3:25 pm #750749
Why were you online stalking him while you were in the hospital? You don’t trust him, can’t get him to listen / understand your needs, fly off the handle with him.
This is not healthy – you need to leave.May 21, 2019 at 6:21 pm #750765
Better off single
I can think of worse situations other than being “punished sexually” by my boyfriend. Sell the drama girl! You’re totally the victim.May 22, 2019 at 10:29 am #750844
Honestly I think neither of you are emotionally healthy or mature enough to be in a relationship. You have major insecurities and constantly test each other and and FAILING miserably because neither of you know the formula of what a good relationship requires or feels like. Its like a game of tennis where you lob something at him, he lobs it back at you, you lob it back at him and the score keeps getting higher and higher because neither of you know how to play game properly and just winging it.
You both fight dirty and best to end it now and start developing the proper skills to engage with people maturely v. engaging in constant drama. It take TWO TO TANGO and you both really suck at dancing so I highly suggest you end this crappy dance and get with a really good dance instructor (e.g. counselor) to learn the proper steps (skills) before you get back onto the dance floor again.May 22, 2019 at 1:33 pm #750857
After your update it’s clear on 3 things;
1) He may have love for you in some sense but he isn’t in love with you. Hence why he cannot be passionately making love as he doesn’t feel that way. Do you guys even say you love eachother?
2) I’m getting the sense that he is the macho “in charge” type. He’s not going to be sensitive with you on anything. And not to alarm you but guys like that likes to flirt with others if not cheating.
3) You do talk to each other to find common ground to make it work but neither of you is willing to compromise to the other, because you are both unwilling to do it first.
It wont get better.May 22, 2019 at 1:54 pm #750861
If you already addressed this months ago, have gone to counseling , and still things aren’t changing its time to move on.
Sometimes we just aren’t compatible and its just that simple.
I’m overly concerned with the rough sex, that’s abuse. If you can’t see that and still want to continue seeing him that’s not healthy.May 24, 2019 at 2:02 pm #751108
He has been consistent in saying that he loves me and that he will never be unfaithful. I doubt that for many reasons and my own experience with him. We are exhausted with all the arguments and I have stopped contacting him for now.
I do not want to go through the same circle of counseling having a few good days and then back to square one again! Relationships should not feel this hard :(