What should I do? What would you do? HELP!


Home Forums Dating and Sex Advice What should I do? What would you do? HELP!

This topic contains 10 replies, has 1 voice, and was last updated by  Ok 2 months, 3 weeks ago.

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  • #750799 Reply

    Ruby

    Hi – I’ll try be brief…
    Been going out with my BF almost 4 yrs we’re in our early 50’s. I moved for work and to be nearer to him we were LD for 2 yrs.
    Thus closed the gap but he still lives a 150km round road trip from me. Where he lives is very remote, where I live is too but at least there’s a supermarket…of sorts!
    I’m at a crossroads and been here for a while, he would have .e live with him but I’m concerned about how isolated I’d be. I’m quite independent. He has mentioned marriage but I’ve been married before and it’s not the answer to everything…
    Getting to and from work living with him would also add enormous stress to my ready stressful life. He won’t move, he LOVES where he lives.
    Do I just cut my losses and move back nearer the city where I could actually have a life and interests, meaning I’d have to break up with him…the nearest city is 10 hours away.
    He’s a good by and he’s good to me; I stayed too long in my marriage and being 50 I don’t want to waste more years – I NEED a life…there isn’t even a book club where I live…
    What would you do? I really NEED advice.
    Thanks x

    #750800 Reply

    Ruby

    Sorry for typos I’m on my phone…

    #750802 Reply

    Newbie

    I have a feeling you posted before but i cant really remember details. Your issue is exactly the reason why i chose to continue partime ldr with my man who i really love. Since we are so different. Im 50 too and i dont need my man around all the tome is pretty much the easy reason. I know i would be unhappy living im his town. So i would say go settle in a bigger town if he and you can both be fine with a settlement like that. Thats my fast answer here

    #750806 Reply

    Sensy

    He needs to make sacrifices and compromises for you. I have been where you are. I was in loce, but miserable duecm to what you have described. Fast forward..have a full happy life playing two sports and enjoying family friends. Maybe love will come again, but until then, am quite happy and content.

    #750808 Reply

    Sensy

    *love
    *due

    #750813 Reply

    Wow

    I’m not sure you even moved in the first place if the nearest city is 10 hours away and the place you live isn’t close to him and has nothing to offer you. How did that really help
    Or change things?

    I wouldn’t stick around for a part time boyfriend and no real life where I lived. Sounds like a lose lose.

    Four years is a long time. Did you not have discussions about what you might do if you were to co habituate? I would think if you knew he was never willing to move that you could have ended this along time ago and saved yourself a move.

    #750817 Reply

    Ruby

    *wow
    I moved from 10 hours away…I’m now 45 minutes away from where he lives- it’s still a 150km round trip though so it’s not like I can just pop round after work for a quick catch up! Lol
    I think he thought I would move finally and live with him and I thought it’d be easier being nearer; as the other poster wrote, I’m quite happy in my own company – BUT I am bored. I don’t expect my bf to entertain me…but there is nothing here for me to occupy myself after work, not even a gym.
    It’s such a hard decision…urgh!
    Thanks for your input.

    #750828 Reply

    girlnextdoor

    Leave. You sound very clear about what you want. You have already made your choice.. Good luck.

    #750835 Reply

    Lane

    I too am in a similar position but its my turn to move to him and I’m procrastinating as the thought of living with a man again after ending a 20+ year marriage over a decade ago and giving up my freedom and independent lifestyle is scary. A lot of this has to do with finding the right balance as I was in a co-dependent marriage and swore I would never do that again and deep down I know I have to close the gap and work towards an interdependent relationship v. the independent one I’m in with him now…not too little (independent) and not too much (co-dependent), if you know what I mean.

    It helps that his job takes him out to sea for 3 months at a time but its when he’s home for 3 months is when that ‘together too much’ feeling starts to overwhelm me and have an overwhelming urge to pull back and restate my independence so its going to take some baby steps and time for me to eventually get there. The difference between your’s and mine is that you’ve had a couple years more than I have to bridge that gap or at least find a ‘happy middle ground’ where you spend more time together doing things and at a minimum have two homes; one in the city and one in the country, where he stays at yours and you stay at his by at least alternating weekends and a day or two during the week while also taking weekend jaunts and vacations here and there.

    I know at some point my BF is going to start feeling the same way you do and I will need to take that BIG STEP and close the gap by permanently moving to him as that’s what I agreed to do when he gave up his world (family and friends) to move closer to me or risk ending my relationship when he gets fed up and starts seeking someone closer. Your at that point so my suggestion is that you sit down with him and have a ‘heart to heart’ to see if the two of you can come up with a solution the both of you can agree on and be good with. If he’s not willing to budge, negotiate or find some middle ground with you, then you have at least three different choices/decisions to make: 1) Settle for less than what you want and stay with him; 2) End it and start the process of meeting men in or near your current city; or 3) throw in the towel and move back home. Time for HIM to piss or get off the pot.

    #750836 Reply

    anon

    To me, it’s a question of compatibility. A relationship is not a substitute for a life. Remote living is not for everyone. He needs to find a woman happy to exist in the middle of nowhere with no social life. There is plenty to do in the middle of nowhere if what you like to do doesn’t involve people.

    It sounds like you enjoy social activities like book club and attending a gym.

    I think if you elect to live remotely, it needs to be something you really want because it is a heap ton of sacrifices- everything from socialization to shopping to accessing health care becomes a burden.

    Also, of course he loves you and treats you well, you are probably about his only option. He needs to decide what he loves more- you or his isolated life.

    #750881 Reply

    Ok

    Sounds like all is great as long as it’s on his terms. What’s in all this for you? I would make your decision based on that answer.

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