What should I do?


Home Forums Complicated Situation / Mixed Signals What should I do?

This topic contains 16 replies, has 1 voice, and was last updated by  Newbie 1 month, 1 week ago.

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  • #801648 Reply

    Meena

    I am in a relationship with a guy for two and a half years. We get along fine, chemistry is great but communication needs a lot of work! I always feel misunderstood by him! It’s very easy to accidentally trigger him, e.g. send a message on WhatsApp and delete it , he will think that I sent something horrible which I deleted . With every conflict he makes it look like my fault and demands apology! Last time we had conflict, I accidentally sent a message and deleted it thinking we will discuss the matter later but he thinks I was having mode swings and something was bad which I deleted and we went into this circle and spiral of conflict, he hung up on me and I got very annoyed with him and said things which I shouldn’t have. Then I apologised and I thought we were fine. Next day it was my bday and he did not wish me properly, said its because of the conflict that he is upset. It’s a pattern if he is upset, he needs exactly two days to get over it and after that also he makes sure that he punishes me somehow. Like he would cancel the date or not respond properly, ignore me, talk to other girls on social media and send extra pleasant messages to them. Also I am not able to raise anything with him without being misunderstood. E.g he speaks to his mother hundred times in a day, she is always in his ears, he calls her as soon as he wakes up, tells her about meals, when he is going for shower, when he is out of shower, if he is out for walk, she is in his ears. Even when we are speaking and she calls he hangs up on me, which happens a lot! Lately he is not at all romantic with me! When I raised all this with him that I find this mamas boy behaviour weird, he got really mad and said that I am no one to tell him when he can speak with his family and when not! Then I had to apologise and nothing changed!

    This time on my birthday which was three days back I had it! I am not responding to him and I don’t ever want to talk to him. I also don’t want to even talk about closure as I will be misunderstood. He sent me a few messages on my bday and a good morning next day, I did not respond. I have some of my stuff at his place and I have some of his stuff at mine, some is designer and worth a lot of money. My expensive accessories and all. In my mind I am prepared that the things are not worth enough that I risk dealing with him, so I will never get my stuff back and I want to discard and burn and break his things. I wanted to know should I wait for a bit more or bin it all already? I am not going to give his stuff back anyway. Can he legally retrieve them from me?

    We have never gone without speaking more than a day. This time its been three days. He obviously is waiting for an apology note which he is never gonna get from me.

    Not sure if astrology matters, he is scorpio and I am a leo. Some of my friends ask when I tell them what happened…

    Thanks for any advice in this matter

    #801759 Reply

    Sensy

    A friend of mine recently ended things due to the same type of mother/son relationship. She was fed up. Since other problems also exist, maybe only center your decision on the one.

    #801761 Reply

    Sensy

    (Decision of whether or not to end things). I view much of your problems on incompatability.

    #801766 Reply

    Meena

    It’s more of him being on/off and I feel confused. He is very moody and secretive. A lot of times I feel he takes his stress and frustration out on me. I have met his mother all she does is compare me to his ex and all she talks about is how terrible she is! I assume that’s all they talk about too.

    I find him abusive and toxic as well. I just can’t stand him anymore. Although it has been two days , with each passing day I’m feeling more and more annoyed with him which is why I’m not sure if I should block him or speak and break up.

    A year ago I wasn’t this mad at him but I did break up with him like adults should ..he did not take it well and subtly threatened to call at my work and jeopardise my public image. Much of my work is in hospitality and good reviews are precious. Then immediately he apologised saying he was joking. I want to avoid all that mess. I am not responding to his messages for now. I haven’t blocked him yet. I definitely don’t want to be with him anymore.

    #801896 Reply

    Meena

    I feel I am wasting too much time thinking everything! Or should I say overthinking!! Any thoughts will be much appreciated to put my mind at peace.

    #801902 Reply

    Newbie

    Op you dont get much responses and im sure its because those who read it know you put up with cr/ap and being treated like a doormat but will stay in this relationship anyway. And we know this because you are focussing on silly details that would have attachment healthy girl go run for the Hill. I know tis sounds harsh but i think other advice is pointless here
    And for the record, people deleting messages on whats app annoys me too.

    #801925 Reply

    Leena

    This relationship is my nightmare. I don’t know how or why you tolerated this at all let alone for two and a half years. I feel like it’s pointless to urge the absolute necessity of getting out of this at this point because the second he sends a text or WhatsApp message you’re going to go running back. If you were over it you would be apathetic to it and you wouldn’t be here. I had to at least say my peace after reading your post, tho, as this relationship is in fact abusive and oppressive in my opinion and if you were my friend I’d be staging an intervention. I swear I mean that in a non-abrasive way. This is just an awful relationship on so many levels I would never want to see someone I love suffering through this. No one is worth sacrificing your dignity and self-worth. No one.

    #801958 Reply

    Meena

    Newbie, Leena thanks. I understand that it will be a big mistake to go back with him and I am not planning to He has sent me some funny links etc and offers to speak but I have not gone into his chat, I am fed up.

    I do not want to speak to him even about it. I did had a moment today when I felt anxious but then I wrote here and spoke to my friend and decided to let the feeling pass. I do not want to tolerate his disrespectful behaviour and abuse again.

    My main anxiety is that stuff we have at each other’s am I ok to dispose all that or wait for a couple more days?

    #801960 Reply

    Newbie

    But thats the problem. Youre not really done. The stuff is just a reason to get back in touch again or trigger him. Put his stuff in a box and put it in a cabinet. Meanwhile try to realize you deserve way more than this

    #801961 Reply

    Newbie

    You didnt even broke up with him so really what do you want?

    #801968 Reply

    Meena

    I feel stuck with his stuff and also emotionally. I am ok with not talking to him. I need to stop thinking about my stuff at his and his stuff at mine and also what might be his possible next move. I just need to get him out of mind in every possible way.

    I am going to pack his stuff now it scattered around me everywhere

    I am being honest about my feelings so I can get an honest advice. If it was my friend in this situation or someone I cared for I won’t let them waste a single moment with this man. I am not sure why I feel so helpless..

    #801994 Reply

    Lane

    Meena, your on an emotional rollercoaster which is normal under the circumstances. The one thing I will say however, is that, if you are truly done the YOU MUST BE DONE and no going back!

    Woman too often play the game your playing hoping it will change him, only to back on the same hamster wheel..wash, rinse, repeat.

    I get your frustration as I’m surprised you put up with it as long as you have. I get you HOPE that the man you first met and fell in love with will return but it was a falacy, his spots are permanently there (he is who he is) and you have to accept that no amount of change is going to happen or it would have by now.

    If this isn’t a BLUFF (ultimatum, threat, etc.) then pack his stuff up. Bring it over to his place, have “the talk”, have a box for yours ready to go, give him his, and say good-bye.

    #801997 Reply

    Meena

    Hi Lane,

    I’m with you. Nothing ever changes. We keep going in circles. He is damaged! I agree on everything you have said. I have to be strong to not go back no matter what! I was very happy before I met him, I feel demotivated in my work, at home, don’t feel like meeting with friends, this is not who I ever was! I need to take control back and I hope I do it, alone, or with some help from I don’t know who. May be I will write here and bother you all a bit more instead of ever contacting him and I hope these bad experience will fade away eventually.

    I cannot have the talk or exchange stuff. I have tried doing this before I went to his place with two giant bags full of his stuff and demanded to have mine back. He locked himself in a room and started banging his head on the wall..from what I could hear from outside and had a big bump. Long story short, I ended up taking care of him. He then sent me back with the two bags that I took with me.. I can tell you similar stories but it is not going to be a mature talk. Besides, I am way too annoyed with him and I do not want to have anything to do with him. My worry is that he will again do something stupid! So I have thought that I should write my stuff as a bad debt and box his things and just stop communicating with him. If I blocked him then also there will be a big tantrum which will annoy me even more..

    I know its so silly. Thanks for all your patience and the valuable advices. I have bookmarked this thread to read for whenever (if) I ever feel an urge to speak to him.

    #802011 Reply

    Ss

    Ok, first off i remember you posting before about the mammas boy stuff… quite a while back? But you’ve stayed with him.

    Secondly, after two and half years you do need to break up formally if this is a real ending for you because just not speaking to him right now is leaving a door open that needs to be slammed shut and bolted. You don’t have to get into the whys. You just have to say you are not compatible and don’t want the same things and then delete and block if you feel he will hassle you.

    Finally, you need to get your stuff or its just another open door. Send a friend or go round with a friend. If you have a key go when he is out. Whatever. Its not impossible. If you go and he kicks off at you or tries the self harm cr/p then call the police as soon as he does it. They will let you get your stuff.

    I don’t think you are truly done yet. You need to be honest about that with yourself. I also think if posting here helps you process and move on then keep posting. Plenty of us are willing to be supportive. Another poster on here has a 5 page thread because are continuing to support then despite them seeming to be a bit of a lost cause so no reason we won’t support you if that’s what you need.

    You know what you NEED to do! You’ve got this!!!

    Big hugs xx

    #802058 Reply

    Lane

    How badly do you really need this stuff??? If you can live without it, then live without it and drop his at his doorstep with a note “I’M DONE!” and blocking him in every format you can. If he comes to yours, call the police and state you will get a restraining order if forced too. That should do it!

    If there’s a valuable that cannot be replaced, then play “nice” until you retrieve it, then drop his box on the front door as stated above.

    #802139 Reply

    Meena

    Ss, Meena it does helps when I am writing here instead of giving in to the intermittent urges of talking to him. I miss the bond but I cannot forget the abuse and disrespect. His mother is a big issue, she does feeds him all the time to break up with me and she has even asked me to leave him many times saying that the time is not right and you two are not compatible etc. but at the moment, her opinions are not my problem.

    It has happened before that I become stronger after posting here and getting beaten up and when I stop after a week or so when dusts settles and I no longer feel angry, I connect back with him. I really need this to stop. So I will be posting on here when I am weak, if that’s ok. Please don’t feel obliged to respond if you get fed up.

    I have made two big bags again of his stuff and put them away in store room. If the talk of them does comes up I will exchange. He has my game console with few collector edition games at his place, he had better surround sound system so we were playing at his, some of my clothes, toys and I helped him with 10K. I spoke to my brother about the money and told him briefly that he has been abusive and disrespectful. It was a news for him and he has strongly advised that I should forget about the money and does not recommends contacting him or seeing him or reaching out directly or indirectly ever again.

    Thanks x

    #802147 Reply

    Newbie

    Its fine to post here but you dont really feel from the inside you let this guy treat you like cr/ap. And now in your last post you said you even gave him money. You dont really feel you are worthy so much better. Even just single would be a huge step up than staying with this guy. Its good you told your brother some about what happened. Maybe together you can get your stuff. I do agree with his mom that you two are not compatible. Dont you want a calm life? Be a happy single.

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