What is this we are doing? Im confused.

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  • #746824 Reply


    I started dating a guy i met online around Feb 15 — we spent a month talking everyday and going on four great dates. Very romantic, he paid for each one – the final one he took me to a super romantic restaurant – i let him order for me, he held the door, ect ect. very cute. The dating lasted until March 16, and then he left for a trip to his home country. Everyday while he has been gone he texts me when he wakes up and when he goes to sleep. We don’t talk a ton (im not a HUGE fan of endless texting) so we keep it short, but I love that he actaully texts me (he is always the one to initiate all the texts). About 10 days ago – he started using terms like “hello lover” and “hello sweetie” and mushie stuff like that. Then he asked me if I miss him. The whole thing started getting a little weird to me, as we haven’t established any form of “exclusivity” yet. I never assume another person is just exclusively dating me until its discussed – so I asked him: “why are you calling me all these cute names? are you my boyfriend or something?” and he said: “we are lovers. which is hotter then boyfriend and girlfriend. just try not to complicate things and when i get back we can see where this takes us and enjoy eachother.” that was his response. ok…

    then about four days later, i finally said, “Are you dating other people?” and he said: “you are the only woman. I want to come back and do things with YOU!” he said it exactly like that. I actually have a date planned this coming tuesday with another guy who has been persuing me – who i like but not as much as the guy above. Now I feel weird almost like I’m cheating but we don’t have “exclusively” yet, do we? Im totally confused. should i just ignore the fact im confused – go out and have a good time tuesday and just let stuff take its course when he gets back? he gets back in a week. Can I ask him if he hooked up with anyone while he was gone? its none of my business right? so confused!

    #746827 Reply

    Anne Ohio

    I seriously doubt hes messed around. Don’t bother to ask.

    #746829 Reply


    You are lovers, but NOT BF/GF…. exactly how he put it

    #746834 Reply


    He told you not to complicate things, which means you are not a gf. He is playing word games with you. Lovers might sound hotter than bf and gf, but it just means you are a sex partner.

    #746836 Reply


    You’re giving this man boyfriend benefits, yet when it comes to offering a commitment, he’s stalling. Finding out what he’s looking for and how he sees you should have come before the sex. Now you’re getting attached. And you’re starting to chase a bit, which will turn him off. It’s hard to turn a FWB situation into a real relationship.

    #746837 Reply


    You only had four dates in two months. I strongly doubt he sees you as a girlfriend.

    #746844 Reply


    If he wanted you to be his girlfriend he would tell you when you asked. He didnt. So go out and date other guys. He doesn’t have to know. Its his fault anyways.
    What country is he from?

    #746846 Reply


    I haven’t slept with him yet, and I haven’t chased him at all. In fact all I really want to know is if I should feel guilty about going out on another date with someone else but it sounds like I should not which is nice to know, because he doesn’t consider me a gf. Yet we haven’t had sex. He has just contacted me twice a day everyday of his vacation the last month.

    #746847 Reply


    He’s from Pakistan. But lived in California since he was 7 and he’s 37 now. And I’m 39.

    #746849 Reply


    No need to feel guilty… you are not in a relationship….

    By the way, you asking him whether he is BF and whether he is dating other people is pre-mature in my view… you had only 4 dates…

    I would simply establish that I don’t have sex with a man until exclusive has been discussed and he is off ALL dating sites…AND be ready to stick to your own words

    #746850 Reply


    How can you be lovers if you never had sex? Don’t you see this guy is feeding you a lot of BS.

    #746851 Reply


    Lol I have no clue how we can be lovers and I have no clue why he started calling me all these names… that’s why I was so confused lol

    #746852 Reply


    You are confused because he is blowing smoke up your butt. Why are women so stupid.

    #746853 Reply


    Pakistan? His parents are probably selecting a wife for him while he is playing “lovers” with you.

    Learn a little about his culture, it will answer all your questions. And definitely do not feel guilty about anything. You don’t have time to waste, you need to think about yourself.

    #746857 Reply


    You two haven’t had sex, yet you’re lovers. Ok.

    #746861 Reply


    It’s weird he’s calling you lovers if you’ve not hooked up, but watch out for cultural stuff/ family expectations. You never know when there’s a domineering desi matriarch lurking…

    I’m nearly a year into a FWB with a guy from Pakistan and it’s fantastic between us but I’m a secret and fwb rather than gf because I’m the wrong colour and religion.

    Date others if you’re not exclusive or invested.

    #746862 Reply

    Anne Ohio

    I can’t imagine asking a man if we are boyfriend and girlfriend .

    It would be up to me, not him if I consented to be his.

    #746863 Reply


    Lousie – “because I am the wrong color and religion”… that is so sad… Why dont you leave?

    #746864 Reply


    His past girlfriends that he introduced to his family and were serious with were Mexican and Indian. He’s actually consented once to an arranged marriage of 3 months with another Pakistani female his family had arranged marriage with for him, and he gave it a go but broke it off with her after 3 months because he couldn’t stand her. That’s what he told me anyway. It’s actually almost been better that after we went on four dates for a month (and I hadn’t slept with him yet) he left for this past month and we have learned a lot about each other i don’t we would have learned about each other so quick if we weren’t relying entirely on texting an phone conversations. Anyways, i See everyone’s point with him blowing smoke up my ass however some of the stuff he does is a little strange like calling me lover if we haven’t slept together yet. I asked him what lover meant to him, and he said he never really thought about it but he likes the term and it seems like a nice thing to call someone. I don’t know! I am however after everyone’s encouragement going on the date Tuesday with the other guy who’s been dating me. I’m not going to feel guilty until He asks me to be his gf if ever.

    #746869 Reply

    Living single

    You’re looking for the guy that fits you right?

    Sounds to me you’re really not that interested and put off by his comments because of it. Or are you scared? Too much too soon?

    You haven’t slept with the guy. Him seeing other women is none of your business. If you want him, you gotta stand out if he is talking to other women.

    You’re not looking to rush things so tell him that.

    I’ll compliment a guy, tell him he’s handsome or call him that once or twice to let him know I’m still interested or just being flirty.

    Lover…kinda intense from a guy you just met.

    #746874 Reply


    Just date him and have some fun. If it doesn’t go anywhere, that’s fine too. At least you enjoyed his company.

    Stop over analyzing. You’ve been on four dates. FOUR!!

    Geez, why does everything have to be about the ‘future’ or “are we in a relationship or not?”

    Just enjoy his company, and if you want to also go out with others..do that too

    It sounds like he’s very fond of you..relax and just go with the flow.
    And stop with all the friggin’ questions

    #746879 Reply


    Sisi – at the moment what we have suits me. I’m still getting divorced, I have a young child, I don’t want to share my life with anyone, but there’s a lovely guy around to crush on and I’m having the best sex of my life. Once I stop enjoying the rollercoaster, and it actually does become ‘sad’, I’ll stop.

    #746882 Reply


    This is interesting because I called my sexual fling “my lover’ before I called him “my beau” when we eventually became a couple.

    He’s obviously using an inappropriate word to convey the way he’s feeling about you at this point in time. It sounds like he really likes you and although it’s still too early to make anything official, he’s using a word that indicates he may be falling in love but hasn’t fully gotten there yet and is testing it out, like one would a pair of shoes, car, clothing, etc. before they decide to buy them.

    He’s Mr. Switzerland (neutral) until he has more information to work with which requires spending more TIME with you when he returns until he can fully know how feels about you depending upon how that time goes…the better their time and experiences are with you the more likely a man will fall in love, which happens outside of the sheets, not in them, so you need to remain Switzerland too, by just listening to what he’s saying now without overthinking or analyzing it until you’ve spent more time together at which point he could very well could out of the blue say “my girlfriend ____” and then see if YOU say yes or no to it! Men can be sneaky that way haha.

    BTW I would NOT stop seeing other men. You are not beholden to him or anyone right now and should be in the decision making role based on which guy you like the best only AFTER they have picked you first (fallen in love). Until then you’re A FREE AGENT (single woman) and need to remain that way until YOU say yes to being someone’s girlfriend.

    #746895 Reply


    You aren’t even divorced and you want a boyfriend? That’s why he doesn’t want complicated. Everything he said I would take with a grain of salt. He didn’t actually say he wasn’t dating or talking to other women. He just said he wants to come home and spend time with you. He’s using pet names which I find creepy since you only had a few dates. All you have are words right now until he comes back and actually takes action. I disagree with lane, as usual, just because he calls you lover doesn’t mean he is falling in love. You haven’t even had sex yet, so that’s not an appropriate term, but it speaks volumes if that’s what he really means and wants, that can connote fwb and not boyfriend.

    #746898 Reply


    Wait Karen you are getting Louise and my story mixed up… we are both dating Pakistani men 🙂 but I read through your comment and separated out what you were saying to me 🙂

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