Home › Forums › Dating and Sex Advice › What is this behaviour called ?
- This topic has 4 replies and was last updated 2 years, 3 months ago by
Liz Lemon.
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P
What is this called and what’s it about ?
When someone asks you if you still want to go to (insert event ) you both planned on going to or over a weekend they will ask you if you are wanting some time alone?
The alone time is phrased in a way that suggests they feel you might want some time to yourself, you dont need time and you reply that you are fine and the other person will deny that they want alone time alone but are just asking to make sure you don’t.
you find out that they ask because they don’t want to go to the event that has been planned. But they don’t want to just say so. They want you to be the one to pull out. They ask if you need sone space/time away on a holiday or weekend from them they are sometimes really needing time alone but are phrasing it as they are concerned you might need time away from them.
Next time I get asked if I need some time alone I’m just going to say yes even though I’m fine. But the behaviour seems bizarre to me. Is this just called passive ? What’s this about ?
Raven
Hi P, This is ‘projection.’
Raven
I was hoping things were going well for you…
P
Hi @Raven :)
They are actually but this has been bugging me a little and I brought it up over the weekend. It happens mostly when we spend more than a night together.
Things are great and we talk things through if need be. It feels a bit like dishonesty, saying no I definitely don’t need some time alone when I asked if that’s why they are asking. To find out over this weekend that yes sometimes ( I’m betting most times tbh) they say no but the answer is yes that’s why they are asking. But they are not owning it.
Liz Lemon
Hi P! Maybe I’m misremembering, but didn’t you say your partner had issues with insecurity in the relationship? For example, constantly saying you could find someone better, etc. Could it be that they are projecting their insecurity onto you (that is, thinking that you must be sick of them after 1 day)?
The other possibility is what you already mentioned, that THEY need alone time but are too nervous/anxious to ask, so are projecting it onto you.
In either case, it’s projection, as Raven said. It’s great that you addressed it and talked it through. I can understand your irritation, but maybe it will help if you reframe it and don’t think of it as “dishonesty”, but rather as a manifestation of your partner’s insecurity? And just keep addressing it and talking about it as needed.
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