This topic contains 12 replies, has 1 voice, and was last updated by Omg 3 weeks, 1 day ago.
August 1, 2019 at 1:24 am #758710
Me and my ex ended (LDR too hard) however we have remained friends for 8 months. We talk daily. Lately he’s been telling me I am attractive & saying things like when you come home I’ll make sure I have all the food you like stocked up in the cupboards etc (btw, I am home from travelling in the matter of weeks). Speaking the other day and he mails saying “I decided to join Tinder, haven’t created a bio/havent spoken to anyone”, as we are friends I advised I too have this, to which he said “I’m glad you said that I was feeling guilty for even making a profile”, and I told him not to feel guilty in any way for moving forwards in his life, I won’t hold him back and I feel in all honesty you deserve happiness (which he does). He replied a very short “ok, same to you”. I didn’t reply as the mail was a bit short & left nothing to respond to. I carried on with my day. Then 20 mins later received another mail “I just read this properl, you have to say what you have to say, you confuse me” To which I replied that I am sorry I confuse him and I hope he doesn’t feel guilty or bad for me for moving forwards because I dont want to hold him back from being happy” (like I can’t hold him back, and I can’t stop him, and I genuinely wish him all the happiness). To which he replied “I was happy to chill until you are home and we could meet up, I didn’t mean in the past that I would be dating others, just ignore me Im speaking about things said before we ended and I can’t help but open my big mouth, forget I said anything”, so because he told me to forget what he said and I didn’t want to come across challenging or disrespectful to what he wanted which was me to forget what he said, I replied ok I will drop it. Had a basic chat again and started talking about random things then I said I had to go to bed. To which I haven’t heard from him since.
This has all left me confused. First off he told me he decided to make a tinder account – that alone signals, I am ready to move forwards. Then he tells me he is glad I am on it – which signals he is happy I am moving forwards. To then make a weird comment about how he didn’t want to date anyone in the past & Ive to forget what he said? This is confusing me. What is he meaning?
FYI when we ended 8 months ago, because I was travelling and it was difficult for us, he did tell me “if we meet other people, we meet other people. So I clarified, does this mean were free to move on, he told me yes” he didn’t tell me he wasn’t going to be dating other people. Now its like he’s telling me he is dating, he’s happy I am dating and didn’t want to be dating? I am so confused. Can someone give me their honest opinion into this? Its been two days since we spoke too, usually he mails me daily, about random things. Just no idea what is going on and I really dont want to appear needy by pressing this subject when he’s told me to forget it. Also – he instigated our break up when we ended. Partly it feels like its over between us, but not within us. However at the same time, he’s telling me he is actively looking, which indicates he’s not interested in me. I just can’t tell.August 1, 2019 at 2:21 am #758715
what is it that you want? to get back with him? or your ok with the breakup and just being friends now? if its the latter then I would just let this go and let him revert. I think he will.August 1, 2019 at 4:06 am #758718
I like him. I’d like to be with him, however he broke up with me 8 months ago. I won’t chase after him/try to keep him/prevent him from moving on. 8 months is a long time, that I am perfectly happy to let him move on and go on tinder. Just hard when his mails seem slightly inconsistent. I just can’t tell what he wants.
I guess if he wanted me, he would outright say it. I mean he did say he decided to join tinder, so I guess this says it all really. I just wanted other peoples opinions.August 1, 2019 at 5:35 am #758722
The only one who truly knows that answer is him. It sounds like he was testing you to see how you would react to him dating, as one doesn’t normally bring up or discuss that topic with an ex unless they are trying to gauge the other’s feelings on the matter or make them jealous thereby getting them to reveal their true feelings.
The problem I see is that the both of you are being dishonest about your feelings for each other. I think he was testing to see what your reaction would be, probably hoping it would make you jealous and admit you still love and/or want to try again, which he did by giving you an opening “I haven’t wanted to date because I’m still holding a torch for you.” You decided to act like the indifferent “cool girl” friend and in doing so he heard “I’m not interested in dating you again, so go ahead and date as I’ve moved on and no longer have any feelings for you.” This is why he told you to forget because he was being vulnerable and you threw down the sledge hammer instead of probing or discussing it further.August 1, 2019 at 6:01 am #758725
Lane – it’s very easy to conclude I’m dishonest, however I’ve become this way for a good reason.
He ended it with me, months back & I chased, cried and held on for roughly 6 whole months. I fought to keep us together & he wasn’t having any of it. He broke my heart. And eventually I learned to let go & realised I’d rather have him in my life as a friend than not at all. I was honestly devastated. Now I’m at the point whereby I accepted the break up & as much as it hurts, him telling me he has decided to join tinder is in my eyes him telling me he’s moving on. When he said “I didn’t want to date” immediately after he was like forget I said that and I wasn’t going to push that when he specifically said I’m done talking about this. He may have opened up to further a discussion but he then said straight after he didn’t want to discuss it. Leaves me in a hard place. Do I push it and keep talking regardless or respect what he’s asked of me.August 1, 2019 at 6:53 am #758728
Having this new information I would take a break from him for awhile. Honestly, you are still struggling, holding out hope which is an unattractive and weak position to put yourself in and why its creating problems within your mind.
Seriously, top playing the ‘friendship game’ with him because its holding you back from being truly ready to give your heart to someone else if its still in love with him. You shouldn’t even be dating if you’re still harboring hope he’ll change his mind because what you’re doing obviously isn’t going to work and need to take the OPPOSITE approach. One of two things will happen: 1) He’ll get to fully feel what his life without you in it would feel like which *may* compel him to come back to you; OR 2) He doesn’t but it gives you time to fully heal and ready for another man to enter your life which is a win-win for YOU.August 1, 2019 at 10:59 am #758739
This is all very confusing!! Let me try to clarify…you broke up 8 months ago because you would be traveling so when you get back in town in a few weeks is this going to permanent? Because to me his “I was happy to chill until you are home and we could meet up, I didn’t mean in the past that I would be dating others” sounds like he was saying he WOULDN’T be seeing others and was willing to wait until you go back in town. But as Lane said you trying to be “chill” makes him think you don’t care anymore.
Then you say “I won’t chase after him/try to keep him/prevent him from moving on” yet admit you DID CHASE after him for 6 months begging and pleading with him to stay together but he wasn’t having it. So then it really doesn’t make sense just 2 months later now he’s acting like he wasn’t going to see other people all along and he’s waiting until you get home. Unless it’s a case of once you stopped chasing him and started moving on he truly realized what he was missing.
I think this is definitely a situation where you need to clarify what he meant in his conversation. I don’t think it’s challenging or disrespectful to ask him what he meant by it. But you need to do that in a PHONE CALL and not a message. In your situation it was the distance which kept this from working and not some underlying issues in the relationship, so I feel the odds of you getting back together are much stronger than people who break up for specific reasons when something isn’t working. Simply ask him what he sees happening between the two of you when you get back. Does he see the two of you trying to date again when you get back or just remain friends? That is assuming you are back permanently from your travels, otherwise the issue of long distance is still there.August 1, 2019 at 3:24 pm #758774
Thanks so much for the amazing advice. Yeah I am back from my travels for good. He knows this. Perhaps I do still hold hope we would reconcile & get back together, however being friends with him is also something i’d have. Like I care for the guys a lot & hes helped me through some hard parts in life, hes a good man, one of the types of men who has a lot of good attributes & is a genuine sweetheart.
Regrettably I did take the break up bad, and sadly, before knowing about this forum, I did chase him (I am not proud). But after a while, I realised I was being extremely unfair & I had to let him go from a romantic perspective. I haven’t been dating other men yet. I’ve been single 8 months and I know I am not ready for anyone else. Its hard to walk away from a man who you genuinely like as a person. Hes so different to any regular man, doesn’t drink, has a similar personality to me, hes so honest & kind. I just learned that if he wanted to date others, thats ok, he does deserve to be happy, even if thats not with me. But I value him, and wouldn’t like him not to be in my life. Lane I know you speak truth that I am preventing myself from fully letting go, its just he’s such an amazing man, he’s like my best friend.August 1, 2019 at 6:24 pm #758788
I would just wait until you return and see if there’s any flame to rekindle the romance when your back for good. Until then don’t talk about heavy stuff until your face to face and he leads off with it or starts that conversation, just be easy breezy and table any dating topics for now.
Just know that if he’s not interested in rekindling anything with you that eventually he will with someone else and your friendship will most likely ebb and or die out of respect the new woman he’s with. Just enjoy the friendship while you can but know that at some point he will meet someone if it’s not with you.August 2, 2019 at 1:37 pm #758819
We’ve been flirting all day, all night, so I decided to ask outright, when I return, friends? Maybe more?
And he literally told me he can’t give me the answers of what I need or deserve. He is sorry he hurt me and he understands if I need to cut all contact from him and not even be his friend. He said our fall outs previously left him in a state of anxiety that he needs to be alone. Then told me he deleted tinder. (Don’t really believe that bit)
I’m so devastate.August 2, 2019 at 1:48 pm #758820
That is lame… Block him!August 2, 2019 at 2:17 pm #758822
Why would he text me all day and night & flirt & compliment me & then not want anything more? Why am I so stupid that I’ve held on to friendship in the hope of more.
I really need to let him go but it’s so so hard when I adore himAugust 2, 2019 at 7:51 pm #758839
He doesn’t want you. He broke up. There is no such thing as staying friends with an ex lover.