What is a middle ground solution?


Home Forums Complicated Situation / Mixed Signals What is a middle ground solution?

This topic contains 10 replies, has 1 voice, and was last updated by  Better off single 1 month ago.

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  • #769734 Reply

    Shannon

    Dating an ex who I found out was pursuing someone else when we were broken up. I found out that some of the time he was pursuing her overlapped with time we were spending together (and sleeping together). He wasn’t completely honest with that information when I had asked him about that a few months ago.
    I recently found out her email address on an app he was using. He mentioned it was a remnant from when they were texting each other regularly and that they haven’t contacted each other in over three months (about the time we started to spend more time together). He says things “fizzled out”. I don’t feel that great knowing they work together and that they still may text each other. I want clear boundaries to be set. He refuses to post a pic of me on any of his social media to signify that he now is with me. He states he is a private person and just doesn’t like to post relationship pics and finds them cheesy. His suggestion is that if she contacts him, that he will text her to let her know he is seeing me. My problem with this solution is that it’s not visible to me. I’d have to trust him to let me know if she does text him. I’m not sure I feel comfortable with this solution. Do you guys have any suggestions as to possible solutions? I understand he would feel awkward emailing her if there hasn’t been any communication in the past few months. But I understand that communication could happen again (note that they have dated before and they have kept communication on throughout the past five years, and it hasn’t always been platonic…there is a chemistry between them). I understand he doesn’t like to post relationship pics, because that’s not his thing. I want to feel safe. What do you guys suggest as a possible solution? I need him to set a clear boundary with this person, in a way that’s visible to me, but we can’t seem to come up with a solution that satisfies us both….

    #769735 Reply

    Peggy

    Sounds like he just bounces back and forth between exes. Now it’s your turn.
    I don’t honestly have a solution for you because I prefer not to be with a guy who I don’t trust. Sounds to me that as soon something goes awry in your relationship, he has her once again to fall back on.

    He’s not committed to anyone. Him not posting pics of you speaks volumes IMO. If he is active on FB why not indicate he is with someone? Unless he wants to keep that private so he can keep his options open.

    I think what’s more important to consider is whether or not you resolved the issues that caused your last break up. Have you? Because if not you’ll end up breaking up again over the same issue.

    With regard to the overlap dating, were you fully back together with him at the time? Did you discuss specifically being a couple again? If not, he wasn’t cheating, just dating you and someone else. It’s unfortunate if you didn’t have that talk before going back to having sex with him.

    If you did agree to be exclusive and a couple again, than he cheated. And that’s the man you want back in your life? Forcing him to tell this other woman he is with you may not change a thing. Especially if they have an ongoing history of being on and off. So I don’t think any solution you come up with about this is a guarantee you can trust him. You have to decide you trust or you don’t.

    #769737 Reply

    kaye

    I understand your boyfriend’s reluctance to post relationship pics on social media as I’m a private person also and didn’t post I was even in a relationship after my divorce until I was engaged years later! But I fail to see how a picture of you on his social media or him declaring he’s in a relationship with you is going to keep an ex from contacting him. How could it possibly make you “feel safe”? As a matter of fact, you might find it’s quite the opposite. Maybe she will text him/email him/message him calling him out for seeing YOU while he was pursuing and sleeping with HER!

    Ultimately what I’m reading in your post is you don’t trust him and don’t believe his story about their contact when the two of you were seeing each other previously. Otherwise the obvious solution would be for him to let you know if she contacts him. There would be no point in him contacting her after 3 months to say, “Oh yeah, by the way, I’m in a new relationship so I don’t want you to contact me!” Just how stupid does that sound?!?! Ultimately this is your own issue. If you can’t trust a man you’ve just gotten back with not to go behind your back and talk to an ex or to let you know if she contacts him then why are you back with him?

    #769738 Reply

    Raven

    Why would you date an X you don’t trust?
    Why not just move forward with out him…

    #769740 Reply

    Shannon

    Fair points. We weren’t together when he was pursuing her. However we were sleeping together regularly and I had point blank said to him I was interested in reconciliation, and if he was pursuing anyone else to let me know and I would be out the door in a flash. He said no, there was no one he was interested in. Now it looks like he was contacting her to see if anything would pan out. I don’t know what to think anymore. I love him and I do believe he is telling me the truth now. But….

    #769741 Reply

    Shannon

    Kaye, my point with the social media is that he has his old relationship status up…”single”, “divorced”. How private can you be?

    #769762 Reply

    Karen

    So you were having sex with him but there was no agreement you were an official couple again. You said you didn’t want him chasing other women. Well…. that’s not up to you because he was single. And he didn’t owe you any information as to if he was pursuing someone else. At this point you were casually dating him and having casual sex.

    The bigger problem that I see is that he pretty much told you she was his first choice. When it didn’t pan out he came back to you. Now do you want to be with someone who considers you second best because the other woman didn’t want him?

    I can understand your discomfort because if this woman changes her mind, what would stop him from going back to her? That’s the real issue. You want him to make it known he is with you. Well, that could backfire and push her more into his arms again. You have to decide what you want and not worry about social media or him sending text messages. Do you trust Him?

    #769763 Reply

    Shannon

    He told me he let it fizzled out because he chose me. I wasn’t even aware this was happening. I don’t know whether I trust him…whether this is intentional or if he is just a bit stupid. He is coming to therapy with me, so he is putting some effort. Its been good up to now….I’m not sure what to think anymore.

    #769764 Reply

    Newbie

    Technically he didnt do anything wrong since he pursued when you were broken up and i do get people dont want to announce private information om social media and even if he did, its a fake feeling save boundary. But something smells fishy here and i think it has a lot to do with him bouncing around and the reason you broke up the first time. And why you got back together. You dont really say a lot about it, and thats fine but it sort of suggests youre only decide om: i love him. Well lots of aweful people were loved, but are you sure this is the right guy for you? Only you can tell and i hope you can work it out

    #769765 Reply

    Alex

    My ex emails me frequently in hope to reconcile. I’m always positive he has girls he’s seeing and I know for fact, as silly as this sounds if I were ever to give him the go ahead, he’d be with me. You will never know if he and her are in communication, so why stress on this? He won’t tell you either I presume.

    The fact he opts not to post of you, IMO, shows you all the information you need to know.

    I dont think a picture on his social media will help you “feel safe” – social media is FAKE and everyone knows this. Just because you post a picture of a girl it doesn’t mean you are together with the girl or that you are happy with the person in the picture. I know people who post pictures and they cheat on each other frequently.

    You are looking for security in all the wrong places, what would help? is finding a partner that you can trust, and someone who is emotionally available to you. This man isn’t 100% available because there’s drama and an ex already involved.

    You are playing yourself here. You deserve better.
    I’d have a good think about what you like and realise this man isn’t serving you & walk away.

    #769771 Reply

    Better off single

    I agree with Alex. He can’t seem to make up his mind so make it for him. find someone else or be single.

    It’s better to be single. You wake up with less anxiety.

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