Home › Forums › Complicated Situation / Mixed Signals › Weird FB situation?
- This topic has 3 replies and was last updated 3 years, 1 month ago by
Zoe.
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Leli
Ok so last December I was a bit lonely and depressed and also curious about casual sex. Met this guy, went on a date just to make sure he’s safe & that I feel good around him before I do anything. At this point I kinda like him.
So we hookup on second date. Sex is good, he is a very intriguing person and I feel really drawn towards him. But it’s like he completely changes his mood after he finishes. Before, he is very interested in me, after he finishes he’s very aloof.
We talk a bit 2 says later, then 1 week later we discover we have the same birthday. We plan to hookup again but because I am out of town we meet 3 weeks later. Buuuut before we meet we struggle a bit, or rather I struggle because I am not sure how to do casual with a guy I actually really like or if it’s a good idea so my anxiety got the best of me and I try to tell him I want more intimacy & to know him better (and also have sex) and he straight up tells me he doesn’t think it’s a good idea to share a lot and also that is he somewhat taken by this other woman he met so he is not open towards something more intimate with me.
Okay so I do some internal adjustments, I think maybe I need to learn how to do this casual sex thingy (I never did this before) and I am ready to try again. So we meet, we kiss, we are happy and after he finishes (through oral) he seems like he doesn’t want to continue with sex. I panic inside, I feel hurt and confused, I feel so vulnerable and I gently confront him about his behavior. He tells me that after an orgasm some men simply lose interest and that’s the case with him. I accept this explanation. I’m thinking that he’s going to leave but he doesn’t leave, he stays 2 more hours and we just talk and at the end he grabs my hand, touches my foot, he’s super nice, we make jokes, laugh, he thanks me and then he leaves.
I contact him 1 week later, he responds & we talk for a bit. He then messages me 3 days later. I take it as a sign that maybe he wants to hookup again, I want to try again (I’m just bummed about the previous meeting and want to give it another try) so I ask him if he wants to hang out. So THEEN comes this weird emotional reaction where he says that apparently he’s using me for sexual gratification, he doesn’t feel inclined to be more intimate with me and that most women in these situations will unconsciously look for more intimacy even if they say they don’t want it and refuses to talk more about this or to tell me if he does or doesn’t want to hang out again. A lot of stonewalling in this conversation so I let it be.
I move on, go on other dates, meet other people, go on with my life etc. Still thinking about him, still feeling attracted to him but trying to accept that there’s something not right about this.
One month later he texts me and says he’s sorry he was a bit of an a****le and with a lot of pain in my heart I cut it short and tell him that I no longer do casual.
Another month or more passes and he texts me again. This time I am in a low mood, vulnerable, I miss him so I agree to meet him but tell him I’m not sure I can do anything. He says he doesn’t have any expectations and we can just hang out. He comes over, he’s suuuuuper nice, he seems happy, we cuddle a lot, we kiss a lot, we talk, he doesn’t change his mood after he finishes, he instead cuddles with me. I love it but I’m still suspicious about everything. He kisses me and hugs me before he leaves, he texts me the next day saying he liked it. He then texts me 4 days later to hang out again but it’s too soon for me.
So I am suspicious, why this change in behavior? Am I right to assume that he just wants sex and once he gets bored of that he’ll disappear again?
I am okay with him disappearing and appearing from my life, I am okay with casual sex, I don’t want a relationship with him but I am inexplicably drawn towards him, I feel like I want him as some kind of friend, to stay in touch with him. I want him to be happy, for good things to happen in his life. If we would find someone he loves I would be happy for him. Am I too idealistic to wish for this kind of “friendship” to happen and he’s just using me for sex like he said a while ago?
Maddie
Run a million miles away from this situation lol. He’s hot and cold because of a combination of his own issues and because, he’s right, without strict boundaries women who don’t truly want FWB will want more from him sooner. So good on him for breaking it off when he sensed you were potentially interested in more, though meh that he came back around without being clear about what he wants now. Which I’m sure was on purpose, because if you’re unclear it leaves the door open wider for casual sex. But causal sex without honest and mature communication is the messiest kind.
My guess is, he and that other woman he liked and was in a situationship with ended things with him, and now he’s looking for company, validation, and sex. People can change their minds about what they want, but usually people who want FWB are emotionally unavailable to you for some reason. That may be temporary or they may not be that interested in you or may be scared of commitment overall, but someone changing their mind after only a couple casual encounters won’t really change in any sort of growth way so quickly. The only guy who ever ghosted me after a few dates (no sex) then came back for real waited like a year and a half and told me exactly what had changed in his life that made him want to date me more seriously. It was too late and I’d lost interest at that point (who wants a ghoster! immature!), but he did try to put in effort for a couple months to see if I’d give him another chance. I don’t think this guy is up to that life stage yet. While he could be, I just doubt it because he didn’t come back saying he wants to try again as a relationship, and then taking you on real dates before resuming sex.
You don’t sound like FWB comes naturally for you or it’s what you want. You tried it out, but you were overanalyzing him prior to him coming back when it truly was just FWB and you’d both discussed it. And that’s okay! FWB isn’t for me either, it’s okay to own that if it’s the case, and look for what you actually want. I think you’re drawn to him because you did bond through sex, you want his validation, you like the idea of winning him over, and he’s still an unavailable challenge to you who seems “cool” enough to handle FWB — which can be very attractive when you’re a more anxious dater who wishes they could sometimes be the cool girl. Which is all about the situation and how you feel about yourself and casual sex… you didn’t actually say anything about his personality or what you like about him. You don’t have to, I’m sure he has plenty of good qualities, but when someone’s talking about the attraction more than the attributes of the other person, it’s not usually the connection and friendship drawing them in. It’s more about them being a mirror for yourself.
So you may actually want to stop worrying about him and look more into what you said you’re going through… you’re depressed and translated it into feeling lonely so you explored seeing if someone else would make you feel better. When you felt stronger you kept good boundaries, but when you felt depressed again you let him back in because you’re looking for something outside yourself to feel better. Which is only a temporary bandaid.
If you want to really be friends, stop having sex with him. That’ll show you if a. it’s true you like him as just a friend b. if he’s is cool with that or disappears for good once sex is definitively off the table and you stick to your strong boundaries. I have a guess about how that will go, which isn’t where you’re hoping.
T from NY
In my opinion there really is NO such thing as a true friends with benefits for a woman. A F-Buddy yes. FWB no. Let me explain. A woman participating in this kind of casual situation can be “friendly” towards the idea of being in a no-strings attached, sexual situation if she has hard fast rules about limiting interactions with the guy. Hook up, hang for a bit, go on your way.
But if you hang out a lot, talk too much to the man, cuddle, have overnights (heaven forbid breakfasts) order take out, watch TV, or any of ALL the amazing fun things you would do with a boyfriend – youre.gonna.catch.feelings.
Who knows what this dude is doing? Oh right, yes we do!
He’s not telling you he’s in a different emotional place, he’s not asking you out on real dates, he’s not making it clear to you that he wants anything more than he did before. He just figured out he can’t be as open or you will run. Just because men come back doesn’t mean they want you. Far from it! And I know you say you don’t care about anything but his feelings – but why are you lying to yourself?! You’re writing a whole post about him! If you didn’t care you’d be out shopping or getting your nails done.And who CARES about him and in his happiness. What about YOU?! I’ve done casual. I’ve had a lover who was 15 yrs younger than me for two years. But I didn’t allow him to pop in and out of my life! If he was dating someone he kindly let me know, and vice versa. He always treated me with respect and I limited our interactions outside of the bedroom big time – because I know the heart has a brain if it’s own. I’m sorry but this is train wreck waiting to happen. I don’t think you’re being honest with yourself or having enough self respect. I could never be a F-Buddy with someone I wanted to really date. It just does not end well.
Zoe
First of all, you are wasting your time.
Ask any man, if he is not happy to be around you when he came, He really doesnt like you as a woman. I am not even talking about love. He doesn’t even like you! -
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