This topic contains 38 replies, has 1 voice, and was last updated by Amanda 5 months, 3 weeks ago.
January 13, 2018 at 5:00 am #678605
For 2 years, i became friends with my former manager and he finally admitted that he likes me. We used to see each other many times as friends but this time he asked me on a real date. We do not live in the same countries (3 hours distance).
He was texting me the whole week and seemed super excited to see me, he called me with sweet words, made plans 1 month ahead our date!
We went in a restaurant, had drinks and had sex (which was amazing). He asked me so many questions (about my family, life) and he seemed really nervous and intimidated.
The next morning, we cuddled and kissed we had breakfast outside and when he told me goodbye he kissed me languorously.
Since then (2 weeks ago), no news from him.. I sent him a message, he answered but didn’t carry on the conversation.
I am so disappointed by him and would like to send him a message to tell him about that. How can he make so much efforts to get a girl for 2 years (he told me) then stop talking to her after having sex with me? He told me he likes me and we had a great date. What can I do?
January 13, 2018 at 8:33 am #678620
Geez, he takes you out and gets some sex so easily? He’s probably thinking “wow, she’ll sleep with any guy who buys her dinner.”
Sex is an ACT for men, like doing laundry, dishes, washing their car. They don’t attach or bond the way woman do, in fact, they biologically feel the OPPOSITE because they don’t develop the high level of hormones (oxytocin, serotonin, vasopressin, dopamine, etc) a woman does, whereas theirs is DEPLETED before the release (blow their wad), especially testosterone and have a bigger urge to ‘get away’ as it takes a lot of time for it to build up to normal levels again. Its akin to you popping something (a blister, pimple, boil) and feel instant relief but you have no desire to get it again….same concept.
Men don’t bond through sex, they bond through activities and if they enjoy the time they spend with you engaging in these activities to the point he’s constantly thinking of wanting to plan others with you, then he’s BONDING. Stop equating sex to love with men, it will bite you in the arse 99% of the time!January 13, 2018 at 8:51 am #678622
He lives three hours away. He was nervous on the date. He fell off after sex and going back home? He’s married or already has a gf back home.January 13, 2018 at 9:53 am #678631
No we didn’t have sex that easily. It makes 2 years that I know him and he knows that I don’t have sex that easily. We had sex because we wanted it and I don’t see him that often.
To answer L, he is not married and doesn’t have a girlfriend for sure as I went to his place many times.January 13, 2018 at 10:21 am #678636
Didn’t you post about this before? This is the older guy?
You didn’t date for two years , you said you were just friends. So having sex on the first date is having sex on the first date. I don’t see where you say he pursued you for two years. You just said you were friends. None of those meet ups were dates.
Yes, it sucks he disappeared for two weeks. But that may have been his agenda. To go on a real date, have sex and see where it might go. My guess is that he doesn’t feel the same way you do about him. Or he did t like the sex. Just because you had this amazing time doesn’t mean he felt the same. Men won’t come back for more sex if it wasn’t all that great. Especially if he has to drive hours to get it. Many times men and women have this image in their minds about how someone would be to be with. And when it doesn’t play out, they realize it and move on. That’s what my husband told me. He said men tend to fantasize about what a woman would be like. Then when they have her it doesn’t live up to that expectation. That’s the process of dating. If this guy does come back I would not see him again. He was pretty disrespectful but then again he may be avoiding you because he doesn’t know how to get out of this now.
You can text him and ask what happened, but doubt he will tell you the truth.January 13, 2018 at 12:06 pm #678646
I do remember a very similar post recently. If it is the same story, you are still hurting!! I am very sorry for you.
I can understand you feel so betrayed and so offended. How can a person who used to be your friend do this to you. Well sex changes things immediately, and he is a total scoundrel to treat you this way. It would not have changed a situation if he had talked to you or messaged you something after sex, it wouldn’t have created a relationship, or anything serious, he would simply not insult or cause you emotional injury. And the worst part is he knows it. Men know what they are doing! They expect us women to know that too. I heard it from guys when I tell them why didn’t you contact her, they go ‘by now a woman should know that if I am not contacting her I am not interested’. But that applies to one or two first dates, not to sex! no decent guy would leave a woman after sex without saying something the next day, regardless of his intentions. Your guy, who you think was your friend, is an inconsiderate selfish jerk who has no problem hurting a girl like that.
I think anger is a very damaging emotion, but in some cases if it helps you get over something more damaging, like feeling so deeply hurt and offended, then it is better to get angry. Get angry at this guy!
You can also write to him and tell him what you think of him. That you thought he was a friend and a decent person. Leaving a woman you know for over 2 years suddenly, after having sex, without a word, is a scoundrel and cowardice thing to do. Speak up you mind, don’t be a saint!
And for the sake of all women who were hurt like you in such a needless way, do NOT see him again, ignore this s.o.b. if he tries. Remember he is NOT your friend, i.e. someone who genuinely cares about you.January 13, 2018 at 1:28 pm #678659
Thank you so much for your answers guys you’re amazing. Thanks Emma <3!! Yes I posted a message very recently.
It is true that I am completely hurt and cry everyday. I would never expected that from him.
I usually am very careful with the men I choose and do not have sex with a guy without thinking of him as a potential boyfriend, and he knew it!
Before seeing me he was texting me everyday and he also told me that he tried hard to get me for 2 years! He told me sweet things, the date was also great.
The next morning when i left, I sent him a text to thank him for the date and that I spent a good time. He didn’t comment my message or said “me too” but said something else and seemed to be distant.January 13, 2018 at 3:15 pm #678686
Never accept a man’s word without consistent actionable results! The formula is WORDS + ACTIONS = TRUTH. If all you have is frilly words but no actions, he’s lying to you. If all you have is actions and no words, he’s deceiving you. When BOTH the words and actions match up consistently over a period of time only (several months) only then can know if he’s blowing smoke up your arse or not.
Women today are too gullible and need to seriously stop playing into the hands of a snake salesman…like they say “if it sounds too good to be true, it usually is!” Get smart on men and stop allowing them to take advantage of your naivete. Hope you learned a hard lesson in this experience and won’t be so easily swayed or duped by someone you really didn’t know at all. Even best friends can stab you in the back so don’t think your immune to meeting these tyoe people because they live among us.January 13, 2018 at 3:29 pm #678691
It sounds like he really played you. I’m sorry :-(
I wouldn’t give him the time of day now. Wouldn’t contact him and would ignore all contact from him.January 13, 2018 at 4:43 pm #678708
You cry everyday? About one date?January 13, 2018 at 10:12 pm #678756
T from NY
Sometimes I am not sure how women ever post on this site with some of the callous responses they recieve. I am sorry this happened to you and I am sorry other women are making it out like you did anything wrong. I am sure most of your hurt comes from feeling you were betrayed by a friend! This is NOT crying and feeling rejected over one date, over some random dude you just met. I’m sure it’s a feeling of being completely blindsided by someone you knew and trusted. That sucks!!
Of course we can all sit back now and tell you what you should have done! Because in the first stages of dating there ARE lots of good, sound guidelines to follow that will help a woman’s chances of not getting blindsided and keeping her head clear. But this was a special case as you knew the man. He expressed his feelings for you after years of interaction and friendship, so of course you inferred that anything that happened when you spent time together (including sex) was all organic and OK in regards to strengthening and enriching the relationship…!
Do not fret. He is a bastard. Not because he doesn’t want more from you. Because that is his prerogative. Not because he planned the whole thing with sex in my mind. Because we do not know that. But because he was so heartless to be intimate with a woman and then ghost. Worse still — a woman he called his friend and had every right to believe she could open herself up to him. Be thankful he showed you so quickly his character and that he didn’t take months or years of your devotion before you found out.
Every relationship or encounter can teach us valuable things. This one can teach you that you shouldn’t have sex with a man without a label if it’s going to hurt you, EVEN with a dear friend unfortunately. And if you choose ever again to become intimate with a male friend in the future — talk to the man and get straight the decision you’re making and how it will affect the friendship.
I know you’re hurting. Time will soothe you. Stand proud and strong with clear eyes. Tend to you any way you can right now. Don’t beat yourself up. Live and learn. Love is a risk. We are always brave for taking it no matter what the outcome.January 13, 2018 at 10:17 pm #678758
We only hear her side of the story. He didn’t court her for two years. She obviously had a crush on him and he took her on one date and had sex. He has the right to not want anything further because he isn’t a jerk. He just probably wasn’t feeling it after one date. Women get all heartbroken and caught up about men and have these fantasies. Don’t have sex with a man if you can’t handle him not coming back for more.January 13, 2018 at 11:31 pm #678766
He doesn’t have to come back for more. But it is messed up to drop off the face of the earth and act like their friendship never existed.January 14, 2018 at 1:24 am #678778
It sounds to me like his sex drive got in the way of a good friendship. If he’d been really into you, he would have most likely pursued you 2 years ago, assuming you were both single etc.
When a man really gets “the urge”, he’ll quite often make poor decisions. He may sacrifice a good friendship for 1 night of sex, not really thinking about what he’s doing. Then he wakes up after the sex and doesn’t want to face the consequences of his actions. He led you on and he knows it, so now he can’t face you.
The other option is he has fantasied about you for ages and fantasy didn’t like up to reality. It never does!
I’m sorry this happened. All you can do is take time to heal and keep this man out of your life.January 14, 2018 at 6:44 am #678797
Sweetheart, it’s only been 2 weeks. Give the man some time and space to himself.
For all you know, he could be very busy with something.
He is your former manager? Is he still a manager? The way I see it is this: managers have a lot of responsibilities which take quite a bit of their time, so it could very well be that he’s busy.
Also, multi-tasking isn’t exactly a man’s strongest feature. Generally speaking, men tend to be more goal-oriented and whatever they are busy doing gets their full attention, so they can do a good job.
And some men just hate texting because they consider it impractical and time-consuming, plus if there’s no specific or clear purpose to texting, they get stressed and confused and go off focusing on other tasks that need to get done for the day (as per Eric’s insights – which I trust wholeheartedly).
Hey may very well be emotionally reserved and not like expressing himself overtly (through words).
Somebody also pointed out something vital in regard to sexual compatibility (I believe it was Jan); just because we consider the act of sex with someone amazing, doesn’t necessarily mean that the other person feels the same way.
On a sidenote; I am honestly a little startled and baffled at some of the assumptions/accusations that were made here about this man we know nothing of.
It could very well be that this man is aloof, reserved/shy, distant and business-like in love.
This doesn’t make a man a coward, a bastard or whatever derogatory term you can think of.
Also a little while ago, I believe Eric shared a valuable resource from a fellow relationship expert (i.e. Nick Bastion).
It had to do with compatibility.
Being compatible for friendship with someone, doesn’t necessarily mean that we are compatible for partnership (and vice versa). It is a very harsh truth, when we get entangled in this sort of dynamic, but it’s the truth nonetheless.
So it may be that there is compatibility on a level of friendship, but perhaps it could be that you aren’t all that compatible romantically-speaking.
If the latter is the case, then I am terribly sorry. It sucks to be in that kind of position and situation, because you’re obviously hurt by this and when we feel compelled and inclined to hold on, this can be gut-wrenching.
Also people who work as managers are often very ambitious and goal-oriented (more so than the average person). So work is generally very important to them (it is an essential part of their life and being).
He may the kind of person who prioritizes work above anything else. Some people live for this and tend to settle down later in life (men and women alike).
Also people in this line of work can be very stingy with time.
If you’re uncomfortable with that, this man may not be for you.
In closing, Eric believes relationships are like stepping stones and I wholeheartedly agree with that.
Perhaps there is a life lesson here for you to learn. It may have to do with understanding the importance of compatibility (and what it truly entails).January 14, 2018 at 6:54 am #678798
MB I know you’re trying to help but this is just the biggest load of apologist crap for someone who took her to bed and then disappeared. I think you’ve hit on every lame excuse in the book for a man’s poor behaviour. NO MAN who cares for you has sex with you and vanishes. It’s only been two weeks? Um, NO. That would be funny if it weren’t so pathetic.
She unfortunately fell for pretty words and charm that were empty.
And this is why the common wisdom here is do not go to bed with a man on the first date unless you really, really don’t care if you see or hear from him again. Which is almost no one who posts here.January 14, 2018 at 10:00 am #678830
Desperategirl, we all relate to how you feel, thre is no excuse for his behaviour. None. his sexual drive, compatibility, fear of a relationship – nothing prevents him from saying a few nice things to you after sex while also maybe letting you feel he needs time to digest what happened.
But you my dear need to learn more about man. Why did you send him a “thank you” email after sex? This is not a job interview, you do not thank a man after sex! He needs to reach out to you first. No exceptions. And when he does, you still do not “thank” him. This is simply not the type of a situation where “thanks” are appropriate, how do you not see it?
You know how they say about job interviews, if oyu don’t know what to wear err on the conservative side. Likewise with men, if you are unsure, err on the conservative side. This means, do not chase men, do not initiate contact, do not thank them, do not express eagerness, do not “hint”, ask or anything of this nature. Simply do nothing. If he takes more than a week to reach out to you after sex (and personally I think 24 hours is the limit), I’d seriously, very seriously, suggesting not to talk to this guy again. I understand that by the time you sleep with him you feel something! You think highly of him, you are excited, it is very hard to be thrown down the cliff all of a sudden. But look at it this way. You were pushed down the cliff emotionally. Then why would you trust the same person again? If he explains himself, gives you the courtesy of an apology, then maybe. Otherwise, do not proceed with a man who hurt you so needlessly and in such a cruel way.
I am 100% sure he’d resurface, I hope you would not take it as a “victory”. It would be the opposite. It would mean that this s.o.b thinks he can insult and hurt a girl this way, someone he knew and was friends with for 2 years, and then resurface as if nothing happened. Do not allow this.January 14, 2018 at 10:14 am #678834
This whole story is confusing. They were not dating. They were supposed friends, and we only know what OPs version is. Not the man’s side. Many women create fantasies in their head about things. Look at it this way. He had two years to out or date her and didn’t. He doesn’t live near by. He may have broken up or not seeing anyone and decided to get flirty with her. Ask yourself. Why after two years of supposed friendship? She sees him as a close friend. We don’t know that to be the case because we don’t know his side. We also know that he threw out a bunch of words to woo her but do not know why. Like I said he may have been bored, out of a relationship, who knows. But out of the blew he decided to flirt Nd ask her on a date. But they don’t even live near each other. So he flirts , gets her excited and the familiarity of it all to her makes it feel like this is two years in the making, But it wasn’t. It was a one night stand. Is him backing away mean ? Maybe. But he may also have just really wanted casual and realized after meeting with her she is way more into him, then he is for her, so now he backs off to give space and not en outrage her further. Yes, it sucks, but I don’t read it the way most of you do, I don’t think he came into this wanting her to be a gf. I think she was familiar, she took the bait wi5h flirting, and I think she even set the stage to have sex on that first date because she was way ahead of him in feelings. He saw it S a fun meet up and she’s saw a future. Even if this man didn’t disappear, I don’t think he wants what she does. Nothing he could say right now, except that he’s busy, will change much. Men aren’t stupid. He wanted some fun and realized, oh crap, she is going to want to take this further. I don’t think he was a great friend. Again that’s her perspective. It sounds like he kept her around as friend and acquaintance material and then decided to have fun and she was game.January 14, 2018 at 1:48 pm #678872
Ok you don’t get it. This isn’t about wanting a gf. Yes, he is not into her like that, which is fine. What is not fine is having sex with a friend and than vanishing off the face of the earth. That is incredibly disrespectful and insulting. He didn’t need to be her gf, he just needed to have halfway decent manners.January 14, 2018 at 5:03 pm #678887
I don’t have words to thank all of you!! It feels so good to read your messages and seriously makes me feel better.
He is a manager and is extremely busy but before having sex with me he was responding to my text messages right away and talking to me the whole day. He usually texts a lot so he has no excuses.
To answer Emma, you’re right i shouldn’t have sent him a “thank you”. But it was mostly to thank him for the night (he paid the restaurant and drinks).
What is killing me is all his lies. I told him that I am very hard to get because I do not want to be hurt. I told him that I trusted him and this is why I will spend the night with him. I told him that I am not a player with men and he knows it. Not sending me a text is a jerk move and I am still very shocked. He is of course not obliged to date me but all I wanted is a text even to tell me that he is not interested to pursue the relationship further! You know, I was raped when I was a teen so trusting a man is really complicated for me. First time I do a move and take a flight ticket only to see the man. I guess next time I will have to be even more careful than I usually am!
Thanks a lot guysJanuary 14, 2018 at 5:33 pm #678890
Another Stephen postJanuary 14, 2018 at 5:37 pm #678891
Sweetie, do not ever tell a man you are hard to get. It sets you up as a conquest. Guys know that girls who say that… are actually easy to bag if they pour on the charm. You paid to fly to him…. you texted him to thank him again afterward. Please promise us that you will not do these things again!! Spend some time reading this site to learn what to do and what not to do so you won’t be so easily taken advantage of in the future. Very sorry this happened to you. Hugs.January 14, 2018 at 5:41 pm #678892
I’m the only smart woman in here that can see all the cliches Stephen used in this post?January 14, 2018 at 5:59 pm #678895
Your feelings got in the way of this one. As callous as his behavior was, you were part of this deal and you were an adult. You cannot think that every time you have sex with a crush that he will immediately want a relationship with you. He probably had sex with you because he knew he could. Don’t sleep with guys if you are this vulnerable. Don’t give it to them on a silver platter, and don’t text them after. If you’re going to have sex outside of a relationship you have to grow a much thicker skin. Only have sex if you do not have any expectations after.January 14, 2018 at 6:58 pm #678896
Thank you so much guys. I’ve learned my lesson!