We started as an affair- how long to wait?!

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This topic contains 20 replies, has 1 voice, and was last updated by  Louise 4 months ago.

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  • #753573 Reply


    Met a guy 6 months ago when we were both having problems in our marriages. My husband & I are now actively going through divorce, & I had a baby in the meantime. His situation is that his relationship w/his wife is like nonexistent (sleeping in different rooms, live on opposite coasts, etc) but they’ve stayed together for their sons, who are at an age to understand, but he says ultimately he knows the marriage is going to end. He says things are unfolding so positively with us and will end up the way they’re meant to.

    What our “relationship” is like: we see each other almost every single day when he’s not in California (where his wife & sons live). He didn’t back away when I got super pregnant or after I delivered. He always encourages me to bring my daughter when we hang out. He will call me immediately if I text that I’m having some kind of problem (work, baby-related, etc) and spend time talking it out w/me. He is always, always the one to make plans, including a day trip to a beach a few hours away this weekend. We only started having sex very recently. It’s amazing but he continues to ask me out on dates instead of letting that be the focus.

    I don’t want to be the girl giving an ultimatum, but I feel at some point this has to be defined. He says I am the only person with whom he has a romantic relationship & the only person he’d even be interested in. What do I do? It is a HUGE deal to leave his wife after 10+ years when it’d upset his boys at a formative age so much. They hardly even see each other.

    It’s just been a really long time (1/2 a year) of us talking daily and going out lots of places, before we ever started sleeping together, for me to believe that he doesn’t care about me and isn’t considering leaving a bad marriage situation. But I also know that it’s no small thing to do so I’m just trying to figure out how long is reasonable to actually expect him to uproot his whole life for me. When I Talk about dating other people he gets upset. I’ll say he has no room to talk when he’s still married, and he says they are married only as a business arrangement & for access to the kids.

    #753574 Reply


    Affairs can also be emotional, not just sexual.

    He is still married to a woman in another state, who more than likely has no awareness of you or what he is doing when he is out of town. By being this man’s “sweet” girlfriend in another place, you are giving support that allows him to stay in his marriage with his wife.

    My ex cheated on me with a woman who lived in another city, and they weren’t just having sex. She thought he was her “best friend”, “soul mate” and “amazing”.

    The reality is, she was a placeholder who willingly gave him the emotional and physical connection he wanted, while accepting he was in a relationship. This allowed him to not disrupt things at home with me. The day I walked out of his house, and he had the ability to now really date and connect with women, he dumped her and started “sowing wild oats”. Put it this way, I had access to the house, and the week after I left, I stopped by to get something and there were condoms in the bathroom. And she wasn’t around. About 6 months later, he met a woman and started dating her.

    In other words, in all likelihood, you are a temporary stop on this guys road to a new love. I hope you didn’t leave your husband for him.

    #753575 Reply


    Also, in my exes case, apparently his affair lasted 2 years. And yes, he told her he wanted a life with her (if what she is saying is true). But in those 2 years, he never took steps to end our marriage.

    #753576 Reply


    IE, if you are smart, you’ll cut the guy off until he files for divorce, otherwise you are going to have a long career as a mistress because he gets what he wants from you and keeps life simple in California.

    #753577 Reply


    “he says they are married only as a business arrangement ”

    Also, this is what my ex told his mistress. I can tell you my ex and I never said “oh yeah, we are just together for convenience go forth and find the person you love”.

    #753581 Reply


    The fact that he’s never mentioned divorce and seems content maintaining status quo is not encouraging. I, too, am having an affair but have mentioned to my boyfriend if you will that I will leave my marriage if I feel it’s right between us both. And I mean it. In your situation, I agree with Anon. It sounds like you’re filling in the physical and emotional gaps in his marriage. That unfortunately does not mean he will divorce her to be with you.

    #753583 Reply


    End this now. He is already giving excuses as to why he can’t end the marriage.

    Take some time away to reflect on your failed marriage to learn from it and focus on your new baby.

    This is going to get ugly if you stick around.

    #753590 Reply


    I wonder if you divorced because of this man. I get that people can fall out of love with their partner and in love with someone else. Its painful but it happens. But the cases i know both parties decided to end their relationships to be together. In this case first of all this must be highly complicated for you: you ended a marriage, got a baby and probably hormonal. That is absolutely not the best time to start any new relationship. Then there is the problem you dont really know how he views this. Im sure he likes you and likes to be around you but if he recently stated his marriage is a bunnies arrangment than to me that says he wants to stay in.
    It would be best for you to break it off so you can deal woth the divorce and baby but i dont think you will do that, since youre attached to him. Ultimatums dont really work but now you are the side chick. You can stop being that and like anon says tell him you will only continu if he gets to divorced. I dont think he will do that. Then be firm and end it. You had an emotional affair with him and they can be intense and dependant . Its a bit of a drug. You can be fine on your own for now. Give it a try

    #753591 Reply


    Business not bunnies lol

    #753592 Reply


    I was unhappy in my marriage and kind of rushed things for various reasons, but I was sticking around mainly for security and to have a few kids until I met this guy. Then I felt I’d never be able to live with myself if I cheated, but I’d regret never seeing what could’ve been with him. So I ended my marriage. Now I still want to feel I fully explored what things could be. That’s where I’m coming from

    #753593 Reply


    He ready to fully explore things with you because he still has both feet in the door.

    Let’s say he does end his marriage, do you think he really will be ready to jump into something else?

    Affairs are complicated and mess. Just a few weeks ago a woman was on here stating her boyfriend was considering going back to his estranged wife.

    As I mentioned before I think you need to reflect on your failed marriage. You started an affair while married that’s a big deal.

    Did you try to work things out, seek counseling? I ask these things because if you do get remarried you really need to be able to communicate when you aren’t satisfied and find tools to work on things.

    #753595 Reply


    Yes we did go to counseling. The counselor actually said she didn’t know how our marriage could possibly work bc my husband is a self proclaimed workaholic yet makes almost no money (a dreamer…) yet wouldn’t compromise and work just from home to raise our baby while I made my large salary. Etc. and his super immature outlook on finances, sex etc made me unattracted to him and wanting a real man.

    #753596 Reply


    At least you tried out counseling.

    I’ll stick to where I stand about this current guy. He isn’t ready to leave his wife and is willing to keep up appearances so he says.

    There could be more to this story because often times these men will say the marriage is basically over, they don’t sleep in the same bed anymore, etc.

    He may seem like a better bet than your soon to be ex but, I highly doubt it in the long run.

    Good luck!

    #753599 Reply


    I think time will tell, you have only been together for 6 months and he is like a fantasy for you. In the meantime, your reality is finalizing a divorce, a brand new baby, and maybe other children? You have a lot of baggage- and the guy you are having the affair with has no issues right now. He still can be with his children with minimal drama, he’s not paying child support, or supporting his wife through a maintenance payment as he’s still married.

    I agree that he has told you what you want to hear as the other posters have mentioned because he wants the intimacy with you whether it’s full on sex or whatever physical/emotional intimacy you have engaged in over the past 6 months. Let this go on and you are stuck in limbo with this man you are hoping will be your savior from a terrible marriage. In reality, you have to save yourself and now this baby.

    #753605 Reply


    You might want to study up on the law. If she lives in California and either file for divorce, he totally loses half of everything. That’s why he isn’t going anywhere,

    #753607 Reply


    I’m going to play devils advocate here [play his side]. He’s still technically married to the mother of HIS children so that’s 10 points against you. He now has two families, one of which is a child that’s not his, add anotherpoints. His wife gives him tons of freedoms, so much that he can have an affair with another women without any complaints add another 20 points.

    You’re in the mega hole of ‘points’ if you even think of asking or demanding something from him that he can do with any women based on his lifestyle. He has far too many benefits from this arrangement and you have what to offer>? You basically have a choice to remain his ‘mistress’ or throw a wrench in his lovely easy life…who do you think will win that round [think “wife’)? Just putting it in perspective for you.

    #753621 Reply


    Affair is cheating, cheaters will face bad karmas later on in life. Please be an adult and just divorce your husband, everyone deserves love, but no one should gets cheated on. How do you feel if someone cheated on you?

    #753638 Reply


    “His wife gives him tons of freedoms, so much that he can have an affair with another women without any complaints add another 20 points.”

    This X 100. My ex tried to get me to stay through any means possible, exactly because with me, he had a woman at home, who gave him a really long leash. He loved having his cake and eating it too.

    Short of you being “true love” to this guy, you are really easy to replace; if you were true love, he’d be divorcing by now. I can not understate to you how convincing men having affairs can be to the women they are cheating with that it is “somehow” very real, when it is not. I was *shocked* by how quickly my ex dumped a woman who considered him her soul mate after a 2 year affair. 2 years in. He dumped her as soon as he had total freedom. She was more devastated than I was because she had totally emotionally invested in this guy. Apparently they too traveled together, talked every day, he spent time with her kid and on top of that MET HER FAMILY. She thought she was on the way to wedding ringville as soon as I was out of the picture.

    All the time this was going on, (I had no idea), he was trying to make it work with me. Fact of the matter is, you have no idea what he is telling his wife.

    So yes, today, while he has a long leash, but a leash nonetheless, you work. When he has no leash, he’s gonna go looking for someone else.

    I’m sorry to keep weighing in with bad news, but with a new baby, you don’t need your heart broken the way it broke my ex’s misstress. You probably kind of deserve it for cheating, but in general, the lady half of cheaters never seems to win.

    #753641 Reply


    Yet Lane admits she dated a married man for two years.

    #753653 Reply


    classic case of he wants to have his cake and eat it too. he will never leave his wife and children. but if your ok with this just being a temporary thing then continue. but doubt he will leave his wife.

    #753706 Reply


    Amiee’s giving advice here now? Wow!

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