This topic contains 20 replies, has 1 voice, and was last updated by Ewa 1 month, 3 weeks ago.
October 4, 2022 at 9:41 am #937676
Three months ago, i met this guy on a dating app. I use the premium version so i am able to change locations. I was drawn to his profile and accepted him as a match. In the premium version, you can see who has already swiped right on you. We started chatting. Things were slow at first and then the communication picked up. I gave him my number and he called me. He looked slightly different from his profile but not exactly bad. He said he was surprised i looked exactly like my profile. After two months of talking almost everyday, we agreed to meet. Since I had days off and i’m the one who changed my location to his country, i offered to go meet him. We made plans of what to do and he even offered to drive me to another city in his country i was curious about as i had once mentioned it. I thought that was nice but wasn’t sure about him having to drive 8 hours in one day. I am only going to be there for 2 days. Two days ago, he messaged me about his day, asked about mine and asked if i had plans and was up for a chat. I was unfortunately a bit ill and let him know nicely although i did exchange a few texts with him after. He sent me a long text about where i could find things i mentioned i liked. I replied him. That was the last i heard from him as he didn’t write again. Yesterday, I sent him two messages – one in the morning and the other in the evening. He was online a lot but didn’t read my messages. Anytime i checked the app, he either was just online or he was currently online. Today, i asked if everything was okay. Still online but not even reading the messages. My trip is in 2 days and i am wondering what to do. Does this mean he is no longer interested in meeting? Should i reach out again? I thought of matching with other people in the country but i’m afraid the time is too short to actually vibe with someone enough to meet them. I have paid for the flights and the hotel and i don’t want to lose my money so i think it’s better to go. Should i reach out again? Maybe call him? Assume he is no longer interested even though he suggested stuff to do? MAtch with other people? What do you advise?October 4, 2022 at 10:06 am #937678
how far is his country? you know , maybe he is not even real? maybe he was just there for attention and never really wanted to meet?
I know a lot of people are ok with long distance etc but men are not really build for it, they need to spend time with someone to fall in love etc. it is ok if you meet someone spend time and then leave to live in another country , because you created a bond, but if you meet someone once and then wait weeks to see that person again, it won’t work in most cases.
So chances are he met someone else closer, I wouldn’t bother contacting him again. The fact that he is online and not reading your message says a lot about him. It says I am a man not worth investing in.October 4, 2022 at 10:46 am #937681
I’m sorry this happened, but unfortunately it’s not uncommon for guys to get cold feet when they’re about to meet after talking long distance for months, and then vanish. Your post is not the first I’ve read on this site where a woman meets a guy long distance, then he stops communicating just as they’re about to meet.
Some guys like the fantasy of long distance. This guy is probably one of them. If he meets you, things become real, and he does not want reality- he wants the fantasy. I wouldn’t assume he’s met anyone else, I would just assume he’s a coward and doesn’t want to actually meet and make things real.
I would assume he’s not interested in meeting. And anyway, do you really want to keep talking to a guy who would stand you up in this way? I think you should go on the trip since everything is paid for, and just enjoy a short vacation on your own — I hope the city/country he’s in is interesting. Don’t try to meet up with anyone else, it’s not worth it. Just go and enjoy the trip on your own. I’m also willing to bet you will hear from this guy after your trip is over, and he’ll have some excuse for why he couldn’t meet, and will want you to keep talking– DON’T! Don’t entertain this guy any more should he contact you again.
And it’s definitely not worth trying to spark up a new relationship with someone in another country! Take this as a lesson. In the future, date local guys– guys you can meet up with relatively quickly and easily. That way if they’re flakes, or if there’s no chemistry, you haven’t lost anything.October 4, 2022 at 11:04 am #937684
Given that he sent you a long message telling you where to find things you are interested in seeing and has now stopped responding to you, I’d take that as he’s checked out. You’ll likely find yourself blocked soon.
Forget about him. Go and enjoy your two days that you booked.
Lessons for the future. One, don’t talk with a man every day for two months before agreeing to meeting. It creates false intimacy. You think you know someone by talking so much, but that’s not real life and I’ve seen this time and again, that when you meet in person after all this talking, it almost always falls flat. The personal chemistry isn’t there. Two, don’t go through so much effort to meet a man. If he’s that interested in you, he should come to you first if you’re in different locations.
Why did you change your location to his country? Why are you so bent on meeting someone there when you don’t live there?? Think about it – it’s not fair to put yourself forward on a dating site as living in a place where you don’t live at this point, and it’s a set-up for problems like this.
Here are the possible reasons he’s ghosting you: he isn’t really single, he was only bored and looking for attention or only a penpal when he got on the dating site, he met someone else, he’s got cold feet, he promised to drive 8 hours to another city and changed his mind, he decided he doesn’t want to do long distance, he isn’t really who he says he is, he never had any real intention of meeting you. And that’s why you have to be so careful about connecting with someone who isn’t local.October 4, 2022 at 2:22 pm #937718
This happened to someone I know. He flew to another continent to meet the woman he’d been speaking to forever, and it was his first ever international trip! She was a total flake. He kept badgering her until she did meet up with him, but it was brief and only once or twice. It turned out she had major drama with a controlling ex and wasn’t realistic about them being together but thought it was “safe” due to the distance and that he’d never actually follow through on this visit and he’d flake like she did. But it was nothing personal to him, those were her issues. Anyway, he was upset as he suddenly was alone in a foreign country for a couple weeks with no plans and in need of new places to stay (she’d offered her guest room until he actually arrived…) but instead he made the best of it exploring on his own and had a great time. I doubt they ever spoke again after he got back, but he caught the travel bug from the trip and took some more adventures when he was able to. Not a bad outcome all things considered, except for safety reasons he (and anyone, especially a woman) would have been better off to not plan on staying with her in the first place until after they’d met and he was sure she was who she said. I agree with all the other advice you’ve gotten here too about false intimacy created by talking to someone online a lot before you meet, how there can be flaky people online sometimes etc. But since your trip is only for a couple days, forget about this guy and just enjoy yourself. Even if he does pop back up before you go, he’s given you some vibes that he isn’t trustworthy and you should listen to your instincts and proceed with caution.October 5, 2022 at 1:37 am #937743
Thanks ladies for your replies.
He lives in the UK (not a highly visited part) and I live in Netherlands but I am not originally from Europe. Before booking the tickets, I looked him online to make sure he was real. I found his Facebook and LinkedIn profile and saw that the stuff he told me about himself was real. We work in similar industries also. So I know that he’s a real person. I did the LinkedIn check in anonymous mode cos I didn’t want to look like I was stalking.
He had also told me that he prefers to meet people in real life after a few chats online but I know he has several female friends (met some from dating apps) he has never met. He encouraged us meeting. I was flying to a major city very close to him (my choice) and he was coming down to meet me there. He had no problems coming as he said he goes there a lot and has frequent train and even bus connections and could be there in an hour and a half.
I do agree that communicating a lot (texts, phone calls and video calls) made it seem like we were closer than we were. I thought we were at least friends (maybe with potential for more). He was always sharing his days and his life with me. I know the names of practically most people in his life and where he met them. I was waiting to meet to validate the potential for more part. I expressed to him how friendship to me is important in relationships as a foundation and he agreed. He also talked a lot and I realised we share the same value and similar reasoning. This is why I am really surprised by the turn of events.
I will not contact him anymore and I will go on this trip. I am opening to moving elsewhere in the future. I have had really bad experiences with the local men where I live. Some of them think I am something exotic to “try”. That’s why I am okay with changing locations to places I find interesting on the dating apps and expanding the area search range.
The trust is broken and if he ever contacts me again, I don’t believe I can ever pick things up back to at least where we were before things went awry.
My friend suggested someone in my friendship group doing some more digging but I don’t think it’s worth it. I also went back on the dating app and checked out men where I am visiting. I am open to moving to a place for love. So are we saying looking at different places I am actually not in but okay with moving to is a silly idea?October 5, 2022 at 2:38 am #937747
if he is from UK then I can tell you that he was never interested in meeting you or any other girl in that matter. UK men are really flaky , I know because I live here. For them driving an hour to see someone is an effort not to mention to date someone from another country…October 5, 2022 at 9:24 am #937762
I don’t think he lied to you about who he was (in response to your first paragraph). I also don’t think he went into this consciously planning to string you along. He probably had every intention of meeting you. I’m sure he enjoyed talking to you and getting to know you. It’s just that when it came time to put his money where his mouth is (so to speak), he chickened out.
It’s definitely not worth doing more digging. And you’re smart not to trust him anymore. What he did is a major violation of trust.
I don’t think it’s as simple as saying it’s “good” or “bad” to look for love in different countries/locations that are long distance. But it’s more risky because you have more to lose. You invest a lot of time, emotion, and energy in getting to know someone with no idea as to whether they will even meet you (as you have just experienced). If you date local guys, you chat with them briefly, and then meet soon so that you can see if there’s chemistry. You find out more quickly whether or not it will work, and if it doesn’t, it’s easier to move on to the next guy. With long distance guys, you wind up chatting for months and getting more invested and attached in someone that you don’t really know. So if you choose to look for guys that are long distance, that’s your decision, but I think it will be difficult to find a relationship successful enough to move for. It does happen sometimes, but most of the time it’s not possible to build a successful relationship starting long distance.October 5, 2022 at 9:38 am #937763
I agree with Liz, also with long distance, when you go to see someone even for a month , it is not a real life, it’s a holiday, you go sightseeing with them, out for dinners etc you enjoy the time you spend together because you haven’t got much time to spend with each other.
They can and you can show them and tell them what you want to tell them, not what is really happening in your life. They will always be in a way de-attach from your reality even if you speak to them everyday, because physically they are not with you there.
Then when it comes to actually choosing one country to live in, you or the guy will have to decide who leaves everything behind. Friends , family, work etc it’s not an easy decision even when you’re in love.October 5, 2022 at 10:17 am #937765
I totally agree with Ewa’s point about long distance relationships being a holiday. That’s really important to remember.
I’ve been in long distance relationships with guys in other countries….when I would visit, it was always a holiday, or we’d take a trip somewhere and have a wonderful vacation. But we didn’t get to know each other in real-life context. In one relationship, the guy started planning to move to be with me, he came to stay with me for several months, and you know what? The relationship deteriorated and ended because we didn’t get along in a real-life context. Our “relationship” was nothing but a holiday with phone calls in between. It wasn’t based on having to deal with real-life issues (work, family, cleaning house, sharing expenses etc…plus the stress of things like visas and work authorization if the person is not a citizen of your country). I found that I didn’t even LIKE the guy in real-life situations…he was a better travel partner than anything.
It’s very easy to be on your “best behavior” and show your best side when you only see someone for a short period every once in awhile. When you spend time with a boyfriend regularly (several times a week, for example), you see his moods, you see what irritates him, you see how he treats you when he’s not having a good day, you see all sides of him…so you have a better idea if he is someone you can live with.
So a long distance relationship isn’t based in reality, unfortunately. From the beginning it’s too compartmentalized and removed from your real life. You don’t really know each other no matter how much you talk on the phone or visit each other.October 5, 2022 at 11:32 am #937770
“He also talked a lot and I realised we share the same value and similar reasoning.” May I suggest that due to his flakiness that maybe you actually DON’T share the same values. He’s definitely showing you who he is.
I’m glad you are not going to reach out anymore — maybe delete his number so you aren’t tempted — and go on the trip anyway. It’s a great way to turn lemons into lemonade!October 5, 2022 at 1:50 pm #937824
Do more digging… for what? What’s done is done and at this stage it doesn’t matter why he flaked, the point is he flaked. And you’re done with him, which is wise.
My two cents – the “I’ll move for love” plan is setting you up for a lot of pain and lost time you can’t get back. If you want to move to where you are visiting, just move. Or go spend a month or two. It’s a lot of pressure to put on someone to say, well if we hit it off, I’m willing to relocate. Liz’s cautionary tale, you should pay close attention to, because that’s what will happen more times than not. LDRs often fall apart when the fairytale gets a big dose of reality dropped in. One big thing to consider – if you’re not British, you’re going to deal with a lot of cultural differences. Ewa’s advice is right on. And if you would need a visa to remain longer than 3-6 months, you’re really putting yourself at someone else’s mercy.
Here’s my cautionary tale – I have a cousin who got divorced a few years ago and decided to try meeting men in London online because she thought she was willing to move from the US west coast over there. She talked with a man (mostly by video so she saw him) almost daily for six months. She went to meet him over the summer and the whole thing fell apart within a week. In person, she felt no physical attraction and on his side, he found that an American was a lot of work he wasn’t used to and didn’t really want to deal with. And after spending three weeks in London, she realized it might not be a place she’d want to live full time.
Just go and enjoy yourself for the time you’re there, and stop shopping for more men to fit in on this trip. ;)October 6, 2022 at 1:06 am #937875
I don’t think you need to write off the possibility of meeting people abroad if you’re willing to move, but I wouldn’t approach it with that being the plan. I agree that if you want to move, you don’t need a reason or a person to move for, you can just do it (assuming you can get any immigration and job stuff sorted out first). Or you can spend a few weeks visiting a place, even going on some dates while you’re there, so that you can see what it’s like to meet people there and maybe will have some contacts if you do move. I did all of those things before a move to a far away city (though same country), and nothing ever romantically came of the dates I went on before I moved. But I was upfront before meeting those guys that I was probably moving into town and didn’t know many people, and some still wanted to meet up and even introduced me to their friends, some of who became my friends after I moved. Which was really nice.
In regards to long distance working out, when my husband and I met, he was a few hours away. But he told me right away he was already looking for work in my city and intending to move regardless, so that felt like no pressure on me whether it worked out or not. Then because of the pandemic, we both had flexible enough work situations that we were able to spend plenty of time together without it being like a fantasy vacation every time we saw each other. It would have been much harder without that flexibility, and neither of us thought we were looking for long distance relationships before the pandemic started… but this turned out to be the right situation logistically-speaking and the right person at the right time. So it can work, but many things need to fall into place, which is why I said live your life the way you want and don’t make it your “plan” to find a guy to eventually move for.October 6, 2022 at 8:30 am #937895
Absolutely everything that Maddie said.
A reminder to us all: a man (or a partner) is not a plan. You have to have your own plan first and foremost.October 6, 2022 at 9:19 am #937897
I also totally agree with Maddie and will add that there’s a massive difference between long distance that’s a few hours away, and long distance that’s in another country that requires air travel, correct visa status, etc. If someone’s local but a few hours away, it’s a lot easier to make it work. If nothing else you can drive and spend weekends together. And there is no issue with citizenship/visa. If someone is in another country that requires air travel, having a work visa, etc, it’s way, way more complicated. So there is a spectrum of “long distance”, some long distance is way more doable than others!October 6, 2022 at 9:23 am #937899
Ha, sorry for the double post, I tried it once and my screen froze and it didn’t look like it had posted….I guess I got my point across, lol!October 6, 2022 at 11:51 am #937931
No worries, I zapped the double :)October 6, 2022 at 1:52 pm #937940
If it has been more than 24 hours since your message, I would block him and move on. Have a fun trip!October 11, 2022 at 3:27 am #938311
Thanks everyone for your messages! I travelled to the UK and had a blast. Scottish men seemed extremely friendly. Actually, the ladies were nice as well. I stayed in a really nice hotel and as a foodie, had really tasty breakfast made from local produce.
I also went on two dates and told the men I was just visiting, open to visiting again and just looking to have a nice friendly time. A lot of the men were so curious about what brought me to the city. Haha. One of the guys said he wanted to see me again and tried to convince me to stay longer. I said I had to work. He said he’ll look into visiting the Netherlands. I said he was welcome as a friend. He seemed sad which was weird esp as we had met only once! The second guy showed me around the city and offered to be a tour guide again if I ever visited again :)
Starting a relationship as long distance with a man from another country is hard work. I 100% agree. They only show you their good sides and you don’t get to really know them until you spend real time with them.
I thought about the guy who made plans with me and realised we wouldn’t have worked long term. I also didn’t contact him and he didn’t reach out either. I do not feel tempted to reach out either. I am going to try dating locally till I make up my mind about where to move to. Who knows I may meet the love of my life where I am after all. I am just going to take things cool and see where things go organically.October 11, 2022 at 4:28 am #938314
Thnx for the update. And glad to see that you put behind the setback and set out to hv a gud holiday! Yeah just block n delete that fellow.October 11, 2022 at 5:10 am #938317
long distance can work but only if you spend some time with this person before going long distance, if you start long distance then chances of this surviving are pretty slim :)
glad you had a nice time, Scotland is a beautiful place