We connected at work then it was weird

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This topic contains 37 replies, has 1 voice, and was last updated by  AFA 10 months ago.

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  • #667898 Reply


    So I started working at a restaurant a month ago. I only work weekends but have gotten to know some of the staff fairly well. After work and closing the place, theres usually two people who do it, and we’ll often have some beers and hang out for a bit. Last week I noticed one of my coworkers was being kinda rude to me because he thought I was slow at my job (I’m new and learning sheesh). So this other guy started talking to me more being nice to me, and sticking up for me. We ended up closing that night together, and once we finished up and drinking beers we started talking. Well we got deep in discussion talking about our family issues, mental issues, relationship stuff (he met my bf once and thinks he’s a bit of a square and how I should be with someone who has issues like me so they get me). We have a lot in common and its pretty wild. I’m moving soon and am planning on ending things with my bf since I don’t feel an amazing connection, though he’s been great to me, I think he deserves a girl who is crazy about him.

    So my coworker and I ended up talking for 4 hours, until 2 in the morning. He said we should hang out sometime, I said I’m down, we hugged, and that was it. So obviously there was a spark because who just talks for someone for 4 hours after work opening up about personal stuff. So I went into work this past weekend, and he and I didn’t say much to each other. He said something to me and I was playful, but it felt rather cold. His shift ended and when he came out from the office I made a joke to him but he responded seriously and looked away. He then proceeded to say bye to everyone but me. Wth!!! I was really annoyed. I really don’t get it. I came into work thinking we were going to be getting along and feel closer, but it was quite the oposite. Has anyone dealt with something like this before? I don’t get if he was trying to send a message to distant himself, or if he has feelings and is being weird about it? Idk!!

    #667902 Reply


    Believe it or not your story is actually really common. Women connect through conversations but men do not. So many times people post about having a long and deep conversation with a man, one where they talk for hours about personal stuff and the woman thinks this means something. But then the woman is shocked when nothing at all comes of it. For a guy it is just a fun way to spend and evening but it doesn’t mean anything more. He is probably steeping back because he knows you thought it meant something. He doesn’t want to lead you on.

    As for your bf, you are already emotionally cheating on him. I would break up with him asap as it is unfair to him that you are thinking of other guys and planning to dump him in the future.You are leading him on so be a decent person and end it.

    #667905 Reply


    He said you need to be with a guy like him who has the same issues? That’s clever. So instead of being with a square man who has his act together You should be with a guy who gets you drunk after work and sweet talks you about your issues?

    #667908 Reply


    How would he know it meant something to me? I didn’t act like I was head over heels for him or anything. And yeah I noticed how it sounded like he was saying I shouldn’t be with my bf and I should be with someone like him. Not sure if he meant it that way but it surely was bold of him to say my bf is a square and not right for me. He can’t assume that it meant something to me, that would be rather arrogant of him. I suppose it could’ve just been a fun night for him, but there was no need to be so cold with me. We work together so why would he spend so much time with me only to purposely act distant when we will keep seeing each other? That doesn’t make sense. I’d rather he treats me the same as he does everyone else as I’m not doing anything to beg for his attention. I barely even initiated talking to him this past weekend.

    #667911 Reply


    You have a bf. Why care?

    #667925 Reply


    You said you were “playful”. Whether justified or not men will take any small sign after a serious conversation to be a sign of the girl getting attached. It is not what you did. It is about what men generally know about women. So he thinks this not because of your actions, but because he knows that serious conversations get women attached. I am not defending him. I don’t think his behavior is nice. I agree he should just treat you normally. However I understand the psychology behind what he is doing.

    #667953 Reply

    Amara Risos

    Carly why did you spill so much about your issues so early on ? If i started talking to a guy and then he tells me about his issues so early on I would be taking it as a really big red flag to not get involved. Its on a need to know basis imo and a new pal / crush does not need to hear about your issues from the getgo. x

    #667997 Reply


    When it comes to my playfulness, I was in a good mood at work and was playful with everyone, not just him. I was actually joking a lot with that coworker who originally was unkind to me (since we resolved the tension), and talked to that guy more than this guy I bonded with. So if he took me being slightly more playful with him- as I was being with everyone else, then that would be sad. But I don’t think that would be the case- unless he’s just really full of himself. I haven’t reached out to him all week so other than being in a good mood (treating everyone more playfully), there was no difference in the way I was with him specifically.

    I opened up so much with him because we were both drinking and bonding. He was the one perpetrating the conversation. There’s a camera at the bar and he said he wanted to have a deep convo but not where we could be watched. I didn’t take this as him wanting to hook up as he said in another chair from me. But he was the one who was asking questions and getting this out of me. And he opened up so much about himself too. I wasn’t planning on any of that happening, there was no crush prior. I don’t even have a crush on him, it’s more of confusion because I wanted to be friends with him (obviously there was some attraction but I wouldn’t do anything about it). And his abnormal change in behavior just pissed me off.

    I told another coworker about it and he thought it was really weird. Then he proceeded to tell me I’m the most attractive girl on the staff and I have a lot of sexual energy by nature (that was very weird to hear lol). He was saying he thinks the guys at work are all attracted to me on some level. (I hope thats not true I don’t need that thought in my head while working at an already stressful job!!)

    #668004 Reply


    If I started to feel like I’m growing emotionally close to a guy, while I’m in a relationship with someone else, I’d feel guilty. I might subconsciously try to push the (non-BF) guy away because I know it’s wrong… just a thought.

    #668006 Reply


    Or if the tables were turned and the guy has a GF… I’d still distance myself for that reason. . . Maybe that’s what he’s doing.

    #668014 Reply


    You’re not getting it. It doesn’t matter what you did or didn’t do. He is making judgements about how most women act.

    #668015 Reply


    And it’s not so much that he will full of himself but he knows how most women act, whether he is worthy of their attention or not.

    #668040 Reply


    It was just one talk correct? He could either think nothing about the talk you two had. Or he could be remaining professional on the job. Which would be smart of him, don’t let your co workers know your interest because it will get bad from there. I think he is doing the right thing by pulling back… you have a boyfriend!! Terrible IMO.. Like somebody said above it is emotional cheating. How would you feel if your boyfriend did this to you. End things now its totally unfair hun…

    #668095 Reply


    In regards to my boyfriend, I’m not emotionally cheating! We’ve been fairly open in regards to this stuff. I’m going to break up with him because I’m not crazy enough about him to do long distance when I move. But I’m sure he’s had crushes on other girls (we’re a new couple and it just hasn’t gotten serious enough to be 100% committed). That’s how we’ve viewed it. He’s even told me to give out my number to guys for more tips lol.

    I’ve talked to 2 friends, one of them thinks he likes me and is playing games. The other thinks he was into me but is trying to overcompensate with pulling back because he thinks it was wrong since I have a bf and he told me I should date someone else.

    I agree it is also possible that he’s just assuming that’s how women will act, but why would he put himself in a position of spending so much time after work with me only to know he’s gonna have to ignore me after? I don’t get that, and that would make him super douchey too, which is a vibe he never really gave off, but who knows.

    He could’ve just been in a bad mood for all I know and now I’m overthinking it since I was caught off guard. I often overthink stuff like this. I’m honestly not head over heels for him or anything, just frustrated with his hot and coldness since he initiated being overly nice and overly distant.

    #668097 Reply


    Then why don’t you just break up with your boyfriend now?

    In regards to your co worker it was one discussion try not to put too much thought into it. You are new on the job and still learning the ropes.

    Who knows what his reason is for the sudden change but, whatever the reason is not something you need to worry about.

    Stay cordial and professional.

    #668104 Reply


    He would be super douchey… you are super douchey carrying on in this manner about some guy who you’ve shared one conversation with, when you have a boyfriend who you dismiss and say you are gonna dump him, then proceed to whittle on about someone you work with to this ludicrous extend, expecting us to all believe it’s some innocent motive from you about being confused as to why he’s not continuing to flirt with you.

    Maybe he thinks if you’re the kind of girl who cosies up for late night drinks with some random guy, whilst being with someone else, that you aren’t so classy after all on reflection.

    Protest all you like- you’re issue is his withdrawal of attention… and if this was a woman you had chatted with you wouldn’t be wondering anything at all and you know it.

    #668130 Reply


    …This is all too much drama for someone that 1) You only spoke to ONCE and 2) Isn’t even your boyfriend, or at least a guy you’re dating. I feel sorry for your real boyfriend.

    #668132 Reply


    So you have this new bf that you are planning on dumping…um unless you discussed that this is going to be a short term relationship you ARE leading him on. As for this other guy, sure his behavior “doesn’t make sense” to you. Do you really think you are going to be able to understand every single motive and inner workings of this dude? It is time you learn that people act in ways we don’t fully understand all the time.

    #668213 Reply


    Jesus guys. I️ did not go on this anonymous forum to be ripped apart. I️ asked for some opinions on things, not to be lectured to death. You guys don’t know the full story son don’t so don’t assume i everything from my one post and think you have a right to tell me what to do and put me down. Learned my lesson about posting on here.

    #668250 Reply


    Hun, the fact we are all telling you to dump you’re boyfriend is probably a FACT. You asked for our opinion and we gave it to you… you should’ve told us the full story if you wanted to correct advice. You keep saying you aren’t into this guy at work. To me it seems you are into him… since you keep fighting for him on this forum!

    #668306 Reply

    Stephen G

    Sorry Carly but when talking to men you need to guard against verbal and emotional diarrhoea. It seems you had a bad case of this when talking to this fellow.

    #668314 Reply


    Hey OP!

    Sounds like a strange situation, and a potential struggle if you’re gonna be working with this guy. Honestly I don’t think this dude is into you, sounds like he was just keen to have some drinks and talk on a friendship level.

    His sudden distance could be related to multiple things such as his personal life or a bad mood or he regrets opening up so much.

    I find men arnt that complicated and wouldnt be surprised if the next time you work together he is friendly again.


    #668421 Reply


    I think it’s hard to portray this well over the computer. I don’t think I’m really good at it. I agree he clearly is distancing himself for who knows what reason. But the confusion came from the fact that he was the one who went out of his way to talk to me at work. He wanted the conversation to progress so he said we should sit down in the office and talk in private, then proceeded to ask me a bunch of questions about my life while telling me about his (basically he was having verbal/emotional diarrhea like me). The night ended with him hugging me and saying we should smoke together sometime. He had the audacity to say my bf is a square and I should date someone who has issues like me (right after he told me how we have the same issues), and show off bragging about how he has so many friends and saying all this stuff that would make himself look good.

    Believe me, I’m not one to be in denial. I am very critical of myself and self aware and if a guy is the slightest bit not into me, I will assume he’s not at all. But that night, this guy was very much into me. I’m giving all the details because I’m a very detail oriented person. I just know he was very into me that night. So for him to the next time not be at all into me, and also be a bit cold and distant, threw me off. I was excited to have bonded with him. It meant a lot to me. But I have no intentions of getting physical with him. But I am aware that we have bonded more in one night than I have with my bf, so it speaks volumes to me that I can easily get closer to another person emotionally without trying than to my bf, who I’ve been trying to get close with. Which is partially why I want to break up, but I am not thinking about this guy romantically. He’s been on my mind, maybe partially as a distraction from me dealing with my upcoming break up. But I don’t think my bf will even be that upset. There’s a lot to say about my relationship that I’m not saying on here (no point). But trust me when I say I am not doing anything that is out of bounds for us.

    I literally just don’t get why someone (not a boy, just a person) would try to bond and open up so much with someone, to only act uninterested and apathetic the next time seeing them. If he were a girl, I’d be just as bit as confused.

    #668426 Reply


    Yes, but if he was a girl, it would be more confusing, because girls take these conversations differently. I know you are confused. But if you read this forum regularly, you will learn your situation is VERY common. A guy and a girl have a very deep personal conversation and then the guy backs away and the girl is confused. If you want to understand it completely, you will probably need a PhD in psychology. But it is common. Why does it matter so much for you to understand why? Why can’t you just think, “well that’s weird”, and then move on?

    I was dating a man once who I couldn’t’ connect with on an emotional level, and I kept trying to do this. The only thing I wish is I broke up with him sooner. You know you are wasting each other’s time, so why don’t you just break up with him now? What if you happened to meet the guy of your dreams but couldn’t date him because of this bf you don’t really like?

    #668430 Reply


    Idk!! I didn’t think twice about this guy before this all happened! Thats part of my frustration. Perhaps it’s an ego thing? Like how dare he. (wrong to think I know, just trying to figure myself out). I don’t want to give this guy power because who tf is he to have wasted my time. I wouldn’t have put in the effort bonding with him had I known he would have become a jerk after. whats the point in being that way with a coworker? I think I deserve some more respect from him. So yeah perhaps an ego thing. But he did teach me a lesson with how much more I am capable of bonding with someone, so maybe that’s all he was meant to come into my life for…

    And in regards to my bf, if I wait a month until I move, then I can at least give him a peace of mind thinking I ended it because of the move. if I break up with him now while I’m in the area, it’ll hurt him more (maybe, maybe he won’t care regardless- we have sh** communication). plus we do have fun while we’re together! That’s not an issue, it’s just not going anywhere, but I’m moving anyways and he knows that, so enjoy our time together while it lasts?

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