This topic contains 6 replies, has 1 voice, and was last updated by Lane 2 months, 2 weeks ago.
April 15, 2019 at 10:56 pm #746207
Ex and I were together for three years. He was wonderful to be and my children (I went through major medical issues and he was amazing). But we fought a lot. Some due to stress of my illness and some due to our personalities (both have tempers).
For over a year, we’ve been broken up. There have been a few periods of no contact (preceded by big emotional blowups). But for about the last nine months, it’s been so peaceful. We spend a lot of time together, and (I’m not proud) have been intimate.
However we are not truly together. I am not part of his family functions any longer (although they know we are together a lot). He does things for me and my children still. We have fun together and really connect (we talk and laugh a lot).
But he seems content to stay as we are. I’m not. It is emotionally draining to be in a “relationship” but not. Like I said, we see each other a lot. Neither of us sees anyone else. But there’s little affection (he says he doesn’t want to lead me on) other than after we are physical. He is kind and supportive. But also talks about vacations and plans that don’t include me. Not being included is fine, but I didn’t used to just hear about his life, I was part of it.
I feel like I’ve done all I can and he knows what i want. My health is very poor, so it’s hard to meet others (even friends). But I feel like he’s a best friend who I’m physical with. That could end anytime. And I’m honestly not getting what my heart needs (affection, feeling like I’m part of his life like I used to be).
What can I do? I honestly believe he loves me, but is blocked about working things out.April 16, 2019 at 7:28 am #746241
You made a mistake sleeping with him without a commitment. He knows what you want. Correct this mistake and stop talking to him.April 16, 2019 at 8:23 am #746251
T from NY
He is not your best friend. A friend would never take your love and only give sex and friendship in return when they KNOW you want a commitment. Trust this — because I’ve seen it a million times — he’ll tell you he doesn’t want a relationship, then meet someone when he’s off on his own (maybe while on the vacation you can’t take because A) he didn’t invite you and B) you’re working your tail off and have children) and he WILL COMMIT to her. Some woman down the line that doesnt fight with him while they are together.
Don’t you see. He thinks it’s all peaceful between you because you are NOT together. He equates the health of your current relationship with being single and not giving too much. IF he was madly in love with you he would be saying — Look babe. Look at us. We’re getting along so well. We can make this work. BE WITH ME. Because he would want to lock you down and not lose you to another.
This is beyond cruel if this man knows your health actually makes it difficult for you to date others. It is cruel to have sex with you, support you, play step daddy but NOT give you commitment, knowing you are emotionally dependent on him. There are kind jailers. Stop letting him lock your heart away.
The day you love yourself most, when you stop being afraid to be alone, know your worth and accept only the most considerate behavior, validate for yourself that YOU ARE ENOUGH (health problems and temper and all) is the day you will express to him — “Hey you know what? I haven’t been speaking my truth. I’ve been enjoying all the amazing things you give to me and scared to admit they are not enough for me. We had a comittment once. We didn’t handle it well. Now we’ve proven we can get along better. We can negotiate conflict. We are good friends and supportive of another. But I’m not anyone’s side chick. What we have without a commitment is no longer acceptable to me. I want to be madly in love and integrated back into your whole life and be a family. If you need to — take the week to think about it. Quiet is good for the head and the heart. Let me know. If not this ends here. As much as I care for you — I know what I want and deserve.” (Or something like that!) Then let him GO.
Lots of women put up with less – to not be alone. I refuse. I worked hard on me the past year. I now know we all deserve the love we want. Set yourself free. When he sees you are serious, unyielding. IF he misses you, if he’s the one for you — he’ll do right by you. If he’s not — better to leave than be left. Your heart knows this. Be brave.April 16, 2019 at 8:46 am #746255
Just disappear. you broke up for a reason. DO NOT SLEEP WITH HIM AGAIN. men know this weakens us. And to him, sex is NOTHING. So for the sake of your emotions, future, and children, leave him alone. Make room for someone BETTER to come into your life…Trust me he’s out there…April 16, 2019 at 8:55 am #746259
Honestly, he sounds like a good man and you blew it by being overly aggressive and taking him for granted. Fair or unfair, not many people want to take on someone with children and serious health issues. This alone should have motivated you to quit the nonsense and appreciate him. The only thing you can do now is to take classes/get counseling for your anger issues and start showing him you’re making improvements. Upgrade your personality, hobbies and look as well. He does NOT want the mean, old you. Show him something better and you MAY get another chance. You also have to stop giving him free sex.May 1, 2019 at 7:26 am #748216
If he’s happy with how things are then he’s not going to commit to you. You need to actively disengage. Tell him look “I know we’ve talking and hanging out since the break up, but I need to be able to move on from this. Being close with you only makes it harder. If something has changed in your mind about committment then we can talk. Otherwise I hope you’ll appreciate my need to take space”. Say that and immediately stop all contact. Don’t text. Don’t call. Don’t check his social media. If he wants to commit, this will give him the incentive he needs… especially if he gets the idea that you’re moving on! It seems counterintuitive, but trust me. It’s the best thing you can do.May 1, 2019 at 1:22 pm #748249
It sounds like the reason there’s ‘peace’ is because your NOT in a Relationship. If you suck in relationships then it’s something YOU need to fix and take full responsibility for. If your Dr. Jeckyl in a relationship and MR. Hyde when not then what motivation does he have to try again with you? In his mind things are good when not in one but bad when in one. You have to understand his POV and I don’t think you do to be honest.
You can’t just change because of the goal of trying to wooo him back, you have to change for the betterment of your own well being, his and the children involved. Doesn’t sound like you’ve changed but play nice only because you have to…it’s what happens when you get what you want and stop playing nice and your old behaviors re-emerge that you need to work on IMO. What have you done to fix your anger issues???