Wants to get married by 2nd date then after 2 wks says he just wants to be alone


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This topic contains 18 replies, has 1 voice, and was last updated by  Crisula 2 months, 2 weeks ago.

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  • #742110 Reply

    Janelle C Woods

    Known and worked with this guy for 2 years and finally after telling a friend how “hot” I think he is she relays the message to him and he asks me out. First date felt so comfortable and like we’d always been together and in between to the next date we are texting like crazy and sharing our deepest secrets all the way to him telling me he wants to marry me one day soon and wishes he could already be married to me. So by third date we have had sex and I am staying at his place for several nights in a row (a week exactly which before the week stay I left to go back to my place and it nearly caused him to cry at my leaving and not staying over night) to where by the 7th day of us staying together over night he’s telling me through text he’s sorry he just doesn’t want to get married right now and wants to be alone that he thought he wanted to be married but he’s set in his ways….

    So with a broken heart and shocked at his kissing me the morning of and telling me he loves me as he walks out the door to the mid-day text of not wanting to marry, needing his space, and for the next two days being short with me through text and the I love you’s, kissy faces, and can’t wait to see you have stopped.

    I waited out the two days of short texts and only texting him when he’d texted me first to say “I hope you’re having a good day” and that’s it. I finally got up the nerve to ask him point blank what the future with me looks like and he said he wants to be alone and he thought he wanted to be married but now he doesn’t and he wants to take things very slow…for me to feel free to date someone else and to not wait on him…he wants our kids to meet…but he’s not sure of a future with me… it’s not my fault…I didn’t do anything and it’s all him…

    I responded with telling him how I hurt I am at his words not more than two weeks ago where he promises he will never hurt me, he will always love me, he wants to marry me, he just wants me to be with him, and he just wants me to be happy and all our kids to be happy. I tell him I appreciate his honesty for how he feels now because I can’t do unreal relationships but I feel he wasn’t truthful with me from the onset to turn off his feelings so quickly and can’t even now tell me he loves me…I just don’t understand how he can change so quickly and how it was him driving the possibility of marriage to begin with, to then run from it or for that matter to even spend time with me..I can’t get over his saying he wasn’t dating to be dating because he’s not getting any younger and he’s only looking for a serious relationship to then telling me he wants to be alone…

    Please help so confused, ashamed for actually falling in love with this guy, and for letting my heart be broken!!

    #742113 Reply

    Anon

    Lovebomb pump & dump

    Only fools rush in…

    #742114 Reply

    Crisula

    Janelle

    You have just been used by a Narcissist. They’re very charming, loving, sweep you off your feet, you’re the woman of his dreams, and knows you so well and so quickly! The sex is also so great. The man you’ve always wished for, until he does his coldhearted “discard”
    Google men with Narcissistic Personality Disorder

    He’ll contact you again…”so sorry babe…I made a huge mistake, I love you”…and he will hurt you all over again and again and again.

    Cut him off now

    #742116 Reply

    Janelle C Woods

    I agree he’s a Narcissist…I didn’t even see that until you, Crisula pointed it out because boy oh boy was he charming and totally the guy I would have married!! Thank-you both Anon and Crisula for your comments because I am left holding my heart in my hands wondering what ever did I do wrong but try to ride along on his roller coaster of emotions all the way into a brick wall.

    #742117 Reply

    Anon

    Don’t beat yourself up. It’s his problem. Just learn from it and definitely don’t talk to him again. Take it sloooow next time and don’t fall for a smooth talker. They’re typically full of it

    #742118 Reply

    Crisula

    So sorry Janelle

    It hurts like a son of a bitch
    I’ve been there too

    #742126 Reply

    Better off single

    delusions of grandeur

    #742130 Reply

    Janelle

    Thank-you all for your comments and I really needed the boost because I am beating myself up for falling for this guy and yes I totally agree Anon..next time don’t rush in so quickly!! I’m sorry too Crisula that you’ve been through it before because it sucks so bad!! And yes yes Better off Single…Delusions of Grandeur is definitely the key ingredient in all this mess!!!

    I just hate I have to see him from time to time at my place of employment I was a fool for going out with someone I might run into if it didn’t work out but I told myself I knew better and I’m too old for stupid crap so I thought I was immune…but I am seeing that I’m not…and it doesn’t help he’s a cop, Marine, professional umpire, and retired state police officer…he’s got all the workings of an ego trip and boy did I fall for a man in uniform but hadn’t ever seen him in this light…he’s always seemed humble, kind, and in touch with not ever hurting me until now…but now I know and I can only put myself back together and the next time I see him it will be without a tear on my face because I don’t want to give him the satisfaction of knowing he hurt me so deeply…

    #742131 Reply

    Zoe

    I think he liked you when he said he did. However, you ruined it by staying over for a week? at his place. That was too much too fast for him. I dont think you can salvage this relationship with him. But for the future: NEVER spend that much time with a guy/Share deep secrets in the first stages of the relationships. Men get bored/feel pressured from spending too much time with you/talking about deep staff. You need to be light, breezy, sexy. He needs to feel like he wants more with you than you are giving him. Play your cards differently with a next man

    #742134 Reply

    Janelle

    Zoe

    I agree staying a week is too long and I tried several times to leave before I did and he wanted me to stay..I also agree talking too deeply about things in the beginning is a No too and that is where I will definitely play my cards differently next time…I wanted to be honest about things as he was with me but I see now that he either got bored like you said or he realized he got all out of me that he wanted since he would say one thing but do something else….he was even moving his clothes to a different closet, cleaning out drawers, and making a bathroom all my own but I lived out of my suitcase because I didn’t trust it…my gut from the beginning was right and I should have listened to it! I appreciate your feedback….I thought I knew what to do but I’m learning I don’t….after being married for the past 29 years I have a lot to learn about men and what NOT not to do!!

    #742137 Reply

    Paige

    The love bombing should’ve been a red flag. Next time, you will know better :)

    #742139 Reply

    Janelle

    Paige

    You are sooo right!!! I totally agree and unfortunately I fell for it…I won’t next time though I promise you that…I will question it for sure!!

    #742146 Reply

    Stephen

    Rather than become another armchair psychiatrist I think his attitude change can be explained as infatuation mixed with desire. He was behaving like someone drunk, that is saying and doing things that would later be a source of embarrassment. I think that your staying with him for a week was a mistake as it was too much way too soon. He was drunk with desire then become sober with a hangover hence the sudden change of heart.

    #742151 Reply

    Better off single

    Kinda sad…

    #742163 Reply

    kaye

    Believe me I know how easy it is to get swept up in the emotions and feelings you get when you meet someone you click with so well! But any man who is telling me he wants to marry me or he loves me just a couple weeks into a relationship and wanting to spend all his time with me is an IMMEDIATE RED FLAG!! It’s easy to look back now and realize the guy was love bombing you, future faking, whatever you want to call it. These guys come on crazy strong and disappear even faster!

    Once you realize healthy, emotionally available men don’t act like this you’ll be able to spot them from a mile away from now on.

    #742166 Reply

    Stephen

    Love bombing,future-faking,breadcrumbing etc,the things that women come up with to explain male behaviour. You are just as bad as the puas with their negging,day,night,clown and dread game talk.
    The simplest explanation is usually the correct one. The man in the OPs post just realised that he’d made a complete fool of himself. Somebody wrote above that he’ll probably come back and he probably will once he stops cringing at his antics.

    #742169 Reply

    Crisula

    Ohhh..ok, he was drunk for a week 🙄

    Love Bombing: A Narcissist’s Secret Weapon
    A whirlwind romance should never feel like a manipulation of your heart.
    Suzanne Degges-White Ph.D.

    www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/lifetime-connections/201804/love-bombing-narcissists-secret-weapon

    #742173 Reply

    Stephen

    Crisula you make it sound that men formulate a cynical plan to get women. Stage 1 love bombing,Stage 2 future faking,Stage 3 ‘it’s not you it’s me’,Stage 4 ghosting.

    I know that women want men to be modern Don Juans, masters of seduction. In reality most Men are bumbling their way through dating and relationships.

    #742197 Reply

    Crisula

    Stephen,

    What on earth are you talking about? You’ve lost me

    And who said that all women want men to be modern Don Juans? I guess some may. We don’t all come out of the same mold.

    I think men look yummy in flight suits, I like intelligent men with Southern accents and even think that Chris Christie is kinda sexy. lolololol

    Got it? Like you might be a leg man..next guy likes goth chicks.

    My goodness..stop stereotyping us all

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