This topic contains 6 replies, has 1 voice, and was last updated by Rockwinikle 7 months, 4 weeks ago.
August 13, 2019 at 11:56 pm #760133
My ex and I were together for 7 months. Things were great and we were happy but we constantly had fights about his drinking. I used to get angry whenever he went out drinking, because I thought he was drinking excessively (he’d go for drinks 2-3x max in a week, sometimes he won’t drink for a period of time) and having fights while he was out would cause him to end up drinking too much. We broke up when we had one of these fights and he ended up talking to one of my best friends, asking her if she wants to hang out.
The day after he told me everything that happened, apologized, and swore off drinking. I told him I needed space to think about what happened, since he broke my trust, and we did NC for a week. When we met up, he said that it wasn’t going to work. He told me that he is trying his best to change, he knows that he can’t give me what I wanted, and that he also can’t forgive himself for what he did. I agreed and we broke up amicably.
It’s been 2 months,and i’ve reflected on my behavior during the relationship. I realised that I was being needy and desperate, always telling him what he should/shouldn’t do, and acting like his mom. I also realize that I had unhealthy expectations of the relationship and that I was relying on him too much for my happiness. One of the reasons he also told me it wasn’t going to work out was because I always focused on what I wanted, thinking that what I thought was best was always right, instead of considering what he thought/felt. He also mentioned that he felt like he couldn’t open up to me because I would always react in anger instead of listening to him.
I realize this is toxic behavior and am currently going through therapy to deal with this. I feel different and no longer feel like i’m angry all the time. Although it’s only been a short time, i’m determined to change, not for him, but for myself. I’ve been aware of these issues but I guess this is what needed to happen for me to finally do actual changes about it.
During the 2 months he also reached out multiple times and told me he missed me. He said that he hasn’t forgiven himself yet for what he has done, but that he regrets it. I asked him if he wanted to get back together, but he says that he’s still confused about what he wants. He has his insecurities, and I think his confusion is that he wants to get back together but he feels like he doesn’t deserve me. When we were together, he’d always say that he doesn’t deserve me and that he fears I might leave him for someone better (I think this was also caused by my unrealistic expectations from him).
I’ve been meaning to reach out to him again in the next few weeks, but I am still a bit on the fence. My rationale is that if I become better and focus on myself, instead of focusing on him too much (what he should/shouldn’t do), and if I stop being needy, he would not act out the same way again.
I want to hear what you guys think. Thanks in advance.August 14, 2019 at 1:36 am #760137
NO!August 14, 2019 at 2:40 am #760140
Is this post a joke?
I don’t know what you’re hoping to hear from people, but no one in their right mind is going to tell you to go back to this guy. This is one of the most toxic relationship posts I’ve seen in a while.
Block him and move on.August 14, 2019 at 9:04 am #760157
@Annie I’m glad you not only realized the error in your ways but are getting help too. So kudos on that. Nothing helps one see things/oneself clearly than a break and space from it all.
I can understand not wanting your partner to drink too much and being wary of their health. Drinking is a sore spot for my own self because of an alcoholic family member. But from your description it doesn’t seem like there was ever a time where you politely and maturely discussed this with him. Do you think you may have anger issues? Plus, having fights about him drinking excessively indirectly makes you come off as controlling too.
I dont like that y’all have had such big issues already in the first 7 months, when things are generally effortlessly blissful. I also think there needs to be much more time before you can consider going back to each other and it’s great you realize this yourself when you say you’re on the fence. I’m no expert to know what constitutes a drinking problem or addiction. But I do know not drinking for a period of time doesn’t prove much. It just seems like there might be some very challenging issues both of you have to work through before you can consider attempting a healthy relationship againAugust 14, 2019 at 11:33 am #760171
It’s a NO from me too!! Having been married to an alcoholic for 24 years I can tell you to stay away from this guy. Not only that but during the time my ex husband and I dated we never fought about his drinking. It was only after we married it went from bad to worse. So, things were not great and happy in the 7 months you were together. You both need to change. He needs to work on his drinking issue and you need to work on all the things you have detailed as to why you’re in therapy. But the thing is he may not feel his drinking is excessive and may have no desire to change it. So if you can’t accept him for how he is, then you can’t have a relationship with him.
I have a real life example for you. I don’t smoke, have never smoked and hate to be around it. However, when I met my boyfriend he smoked. He tried not to do it around me, but the more we were around each other the more he ended up smoking around me. He never smoked in my house my car but did in his. It was literally the only thing I didn’t love about him. When he proposed I had to decide if I could live with it. I decided I could, and 2 months after we got married he quit and has never picked them up again! I didn’t pressure him to do it and I loved him just the way he was. He decided to quit for me and for his health. You can’t make someone change. So if you’re not happy with how they are currently, you’ll never be happy with them.
Lastly, it’s been 2 months and he doesn’t want to get back with you. A man who has lived without you for 2 months and is still confused as to whether he wants you back is not a man you want! No one wants a man who is confused about his feelings for you! And it’s a huge red flag for a man to continually say he doesn’t deserve you and thinks you’ll leave him. That means he’s insecure and is likely to hurt you.
Work on bettering yourself and find a better relationship. This one sucked!!August 14, 2019 at 1:38 pm #760179
Me and my ex have been together for 3 months we had occasionally arguments over dumb things but we always worked it out. We had an argument recently and he said he was done. He said we can still be friends but still views my stories on snap and has all our cute posts he tagged me on on Facebook. Do you think hell come back. The day he broke up with me he said he loved me but mentally cant do it. He was still holding my hand and gave me a hug when I asked him. The only time he pushed me away was when he said he was done and needed to go back to work.. he deleted a pic of us on Instagram but tht was only one. He has all our messages saved and I sent him a pic of us to remind him of what hed be giving up. I’ve been giving him space do you think hell come back or should I move on?October 2, 2019 at 10:23 am #774670
My sweet sister. When a man says that he’s confused about what he wants, thats code for,” I’m seeing other women.” I applaud your taking therapy and trying to solve your inner problems. But at the same time it makes my head spin to see that its you taking therapy when he is the one getting drunk and getting into fights. We are in a grown up world and he behaves like a juvenile. As much as it may hurt, you should count your blessings. You should not have to live with and be content with a man with this behavior. Somewhere out there, theres a gentlemen who is looking for someone to treat nice and share things with. This man you speak of is NOT for you. You can and I am sure WILL do better. Good luck and blessings to you my sister.