This topic contains 5 replies, has 1 voice, and was last updated by Margie 8 months ago.
July 4, 2020 at 5:09 am #795343
Hi, i’d appreciate any advice people could offer on my situation. sorry essay incoming
Been with my boyfriend for 9 months, had a really happy relationship, a few petty fights but always resolved them, i would sometimes drag them out but he was very understanding of how i needed to process things despite the fact he did find it a bit irritating as he was eager to fix things quickly.
when lockdown hit we were apart, it was hard but we managed of course and he told me the experience had made him realise he needed me in his life. he kept sending messages of how he wished we’d been locked down together at his and that he wanted me to move in with him. after about two months i began struggling with lockdown, my flat was cramped and i was out of work and his messages were making me miss him even more so the next time he mentioned how serious he was about us living together i asked him why he hadn’t come to get me then seeing as he was the only one out of us who drove so could actually make it a reality.
he of course reminded me of the logistics of the situation and mentioned how he was under quite a bit of stress from working from home and that i would need to keep out of his workspace during the day but that he was going to get me because he wanted us to be happy. he said it would probably help him to have someone physical to talk to after work and at weekends. i hadn’t quite thought he’d give me that response about coming to get me and immediately realised i was quite hesitant about moving in with him as it was still very early however i wanted him to be happy and i missed him so thought how hard could it be.
once i arrived i realised just how stressed he was, everything got to him so i stayed out of his way for the most part and gave him space. however i wasn’t the tidiest so on top of work he found himself tidying up after me and when he pointed out i was living like a slob i made excuses and told him he didn’t have to get angry about something simple. this led to a fight where he said he was taking me home the next day and we were done.
we spoke about it in the evening and i asked how long he’d wanted to break up he said he didn’t and it was wrong of him to say that in anger and i told him i was sorry and owned up to being wrong (something i don’t always do) we said we’d see how it goes and if it wasn’t working in a weeks time he’d take me home and our relationship would go back to normal.
a week later everything was fine and we both said we were happy and settled in together, then the following week i was stressed out about some work i was doing and i snapped at him and he lost it, got proper angry, the most angry he’s ever been and kept shouting i’d reverted to my old ways, when i asked him how, he started throwing all my stuff around the room and staying i hadn’t tidied up any of the stuff i said i would. this led to me having a panic and he left me storming off for a walk. (he’d been drinking a lot that evening as well)
while he was gone i cleaned up everything and tided his place, he got back and didn’t say a thing to me, when i asked if we were going to talk about what happened, he said not right now and slept on the sofa that night. the next day he came to speak to me and said he’d been annoyed i’d snapped at him as he’d just finished work and wanted to hang out with me and i brushed him aside, i tried to explain i was struggling with something thats why i snapped and then said we should talk about the proper issue of him throwing all my things across the room and he stormed off saying i was being selfish and making things about me threw his bedsheets off me and told me to pack my stuff as i was going home.
i packed everything but kept pushing him to talk as i wanted an apology for how he’d behaved and he told me i needed to leave right then. i said i had nowhere to go and he said i don’t care you can’t be here while i’m working so i left, he then messaged when he finished work to say he was sorry about how he’d behaved and that we probably should end things. i returned and we spoke some more and i said he was being quite negative about living together going on about how it was the worst time to try it which wasn’t helpful for either of us he said i had a point. before bed i asked him what he wanted and he said to draw a line under things which wasn’t quite the response i was looking for.
the next day i wanted to speak more as i was really hurt he’d left me while having a panic attack, he was extremely apologetic and then i mentioned how i felt he kept pointing out everything i was doing wrong and never noticing when i was helpful and he was like no you haven’t been helpful at all, i tried to argue and he said enough was enough. he was taking me home and we could see each other on weekends.
i went home that evening and we had a week of no contact to have some space. he then got in touch and told me he didn’t want to lose me, we both spoke about what had happened but i’m not sure i said sorry, i admitted i should’ve done more but didn’t actually apologise.
two weeks later we met up and he spent half of saturday doing diy which i was unable to help with. i’d thought we’d have the entire weekend together after what had happened and i got annoyed with him and told him i felt neglected, he of course got annoyed that we were arguing again and said it wasn’t working. the next day we spoke at length and he told me everything he was struggling with and i told him mine and he said he had nothing left to give with all the pressure he was under, i said we could adapt and suggested things to make it easier for us both. once back home i realised i was really being unfair and that he needed me to be there for him and wanting me to help out a bit more really wasn’t a lot to expect, i wanted to tell him that in person though so thought it best not to bring up our fight over the phone during his working week so didn’t mention it.
for two weeks everything was great and i kept asking if things were now easier and he always said yes and then i didn’t hear from him for a weekend and he didn’t answer any of my messages or calls, i eventually sent him one saying i didn’t deserve to be treated this way and if had something to say he should say it. the next day he rang and said it wasn’t working and that he needed to focus on other things. he said he was sorry for going silent but he had to think about what he wanted as so much had happened between us and that i’d hurt him. i was still rather angry at his silent treatment so said i’d never hurt him intentionally unlike what he did. i then said i thought space was very necessary but that i did really love him. he said he loved me too but it was getting unhealthy and then said we’d still talk. i said i didn’t want to feel i was pestering him so how much space should we leave before talking and he said lets not put a limit on it.
we haven’t spoken since. i’ve obviously had a lot of time to think ever since our last fight and i really am ashamed of how i behaved, it was so wrong and i had wanted to show him id realised that when we next met up because i knew i needed to be better and i really wanted to make things up to him but he ended things before i got that chance.
i really love him and miss him so much i’m trying to see this as good time for space etc but the truth is i never wanted this to happen, i wanted to work thins out and i feel i’ve now lost the best part of me. i had wanted to fix things and i knew it was on me to change my behaviour not him. i know he still loves me and i really want him back. i feel like i’ve mucked up so bad i might have lost him for good and i’ve realised my errors too late.
i am so ashamed of how selfish i’ve been and how i tried to blame him for it instead of admitting i was wrong and i really want him to know how sorry i am because i know us ending up here is very much largely my fault.
how do i let him know all of this without begging or making it seem like i’ve only realised this because he dumped me instead of having been aware of it for weeks.
please help, don’t know what to do for the bestJuly 4, 2020 at 7:22 am #795347
Its really hard to focus on the important things in this novel but what i can make of it:
Yes you both put yourself in the covid pressure cooker but your relationship is not that strong to have any space for the other or forgiveness. In the end you write a few paragraphs on how its was most your fault and you want to tell him, but i see a dynamic that is wrong in the both of you.
Lets say you are a slob. Any normal person would tell you to please pick up your stuff. But bf choses to blow up over it and at some point throws it all around.
Bf needs to process what happened. Any normal person would leave bf alone. But you chose to keep prodding and proddding until it gets very annoying. And then the continues talks. Its gruesome.
I think you suddenly were faced with each other to make things work. And it didnt. Its not more your fault than his. You showed both are uncapable of fixing things together. Unless both of you would be able to see that plus your bf hs some anger issues too he needs to work on, i dont see this resolvedJuly 4, 2020 at 2:50 pm #795381
Hi Lou- I think the two of you are not compatible. There is way too much drama and blowing up and pestering etc. A situation like covid or other stresses in life,give a couple a chance to see if/how they can “Weather storms” together. I do not think you two can. My son met a woman a year ago. She lives in Europe and he lives in Canada. They are a long distance couple and had visited each other 4 times and talked everyday,when the covid hit. She was able to get into Canada just before the lockdown and had to quarantine a couple weeks and then everyone stayed home pretty much for a couple months. She was her 3 months and during that time my son got very sick. The point is,with all of that happening,their relationship got stronger and more solid-they saw each other at lowe ebbs etc. and accepted and understood each other and there was no petty fighting. That is what you should aim for in a relationship. This one was not it. Please let him go and reassess.July 4, 2020 at 5:44 pm #795382
You guys both sound really immature- how old are you?
It was far too soon to move in together and it just highlighted your immaturity and incompatibility.
Honestly i don’t think its a good idea to get back together even if he wanted to. The pestering you did sounded really annoying… you just couldn’t talk about things once, you just went on and on… no man likes this kind of nagging and circular talking. No woman probably does either!
You need to learn from this. Its good you’ve recognised you have behaved badly, now its time to work on you and how you make sure you don’t behave like this againJuly 4, 2020 at 5:48 pm #795383
That was a lot of back and forth fighting to read over…and it really sounds like you two are not a good match (something your ex-bf knows as well). I know you’re hurting and you miss him, but the back and forth fighting had to be exhausting. That is not how mature people act in relationships.
Men only desire relationships when they add to their life, and it sounds like all you were adding was a bunch of stress and fighting. I don’t think the fights were all on you, but you have to understand that women can handle confrontation being present in a relationship a lot better than most men. Men do not want to be in relationships that have constant confrontation. It really boils down to, you are not a good match for each other.
At this point, you need to leave him alone until he reaches out to you. If and when he does, you need to take ownership of your faults BUT also do not allow him to blame it all on you. He had issues too (he’s not on this forum though), like his anger. I’m not trying to be harsh but it is really disrespectful to be a guest in someone’s home and be a slob. He’s not your parent and shouldn’t have to tell you to pick up after yourself and help around the place if you’re staying there. You also need to learn to let people breathe and not push for reconciliation talks when they are not ready.
I personally don’t think it’s a good idea to get back together.July 4, 2020 at 6:06 pm #795385
Why did you post the same story as “Lou” and “Dana”?? That’s against site rules. And unnecessary.
You can apologize all you want but that isn’t going to fix it. It feels like you’re clinging to him by all this hindsight realizing you’re the one to blame and now you’re desperate to get him back. It just isn’t supposed to be this hard. No one wants to be with someone who is hard work. Both of you need to work on your communications skills.
The best move is to leave him completely alone and not pounce on him if he does come back. You work on what’s on your side of the street and let him work on his side. Show him you’re changing with action, not talk. You might have a chance. But honestly, you have to accept he may be gone.