Very mixed signals


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This topic contains 24 replies, has 1 voice, and was last updated by  Zara 1 week ago.

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  • #760206 Reply

    LittleLost

    A guy I knew for a few weeks asked me out, we’re completely different from each other but I gave him a chance. It went great for the first few weeks,we texted or just hungout. It was sort of like a platonic relationship and I was happy with it.

    After a month he complained about no affection from me,I’m not really an affectionate person. So I tried baby steps,a hug here or there. Then after a few more weeks I upped it to just a kiss on the cheek since he started asking when will I kiss him. I like him a lot and told him multiple times that I need baby steps,he seemed to understand for awhile and backed off.

    2 months in and I decided I liked him enough to give him a real kiss,he was happy with that and I thought everything was great. I’ve felt some pressure to be more affectionate and just thought why not? I do like him and there’s no problems.

    Almost 3 months in he’s asking for more now. During this time he’s been kind, affectionate, somewhat understanding and fun. We talked about the future and I could see myself with him,so when he asked for more I did it. The next day though I had huge regrets and was feeling really down.

    His Ex popped up the next day and is trying to reclaim him,this is causing a strain on our relationship. After she started to intervene I blew up at him and told him to choose. I know he’s stuck with her in his life right now,but if he just sucks it up and gets rid of her then I’ll be happy. His Ex pops up and trys to reclaim him everytime he starts dating someone,which is New information to me. After my blow up with him I felt bad because I do really like him,I asked if he’d like to try again and it was a yes.

    Now it just feels like the spark is gone and I’m really trying now. I noticed he’s stopped pursuing and being affectionate with me. I tried asking if we’re on the same emotional level and he says “I’m his girl and rock” but I don’t feel like it anymore. He asked to hangout the other night and I was happy to. I found out his “hangout” meant talk then screw and bring me home. When I found out that’s what he wanted I blew again,I don’t want to just screw I want the affection back. I told him No and so, his response is to just go see his Ex who’s in the hospital. He didn’t stop by to see me or anything,it was really insensitive and made me feel bad.

    I tried to hint to him the next day at what he did and,he doesn’t understand what he did was wrong. Am I more emotionally invested in this relationship then he is? Am I just being used? I try talking to him and he doesn’t see what’s wrong or why I’m upset. He thinks we’re fine but I don’t feel like we are.

    #760211 Reply

    Anderson

    “His Ex pops up and trys to reclaim him everytime he starts dating someone”

    “I told him No and so, his response is to just go see his Ex who’s in the hospital”

    “He doesn’t understand what he did was wrong.”

    Those three quotes are pretty damning. I really try hard to not be trigger-happy in telling other people to end their relationship because there’s always more to a story and I’m not the one emotionally involved. But yikes, I personally am struggling to find a a reason why you shouldn’t run away from this guy.

    If his ex constantly intervenes then that’s a reflection not so much on her but him too. Either he doesn’t have a backbone to tell her off, or he is unable to truly move on from her. Both are a lose-lose scenario.

    Here you are taking baby steps in showing intimacy, and even took a leap on the basis of seeing a future with him… and there he is going to see his ex in the hospital after a fight. Like, I know everyone has their own standards for what they can or can’t live or work through, but I’d say move on before you get yourself even more involved.

    #760212 Reply

    A

    Take a huge step back. Don’t initiate any texts, don’t call, act like you’re busy and he isn’t a priority and see what he does, if he chases. If not, then he’s not into you anymore. If he does, then you have you’re answer. Guys get really weird after fights sometimes where girls just want to make up and forget about it.

    This thing with his ex is not healthy though. Are they friends still or something? Do they have a kid together? If he’s going to see her in the hospital, there’s some feelings there still.

    Also, the lack of attention/affection is clearly bothering you. Instead of blowing up on him causing another fight, talk to him about it when you’re calm and tell him your boundaries and that you need more than what he’s giving you at the moment.

    #760213 Reply

    Anderson

    (disagreement* not fight)

    #760216 Reply

    LittleLost

    I done got myself attached to him,that’s my problem. When I start to care for someone and it takes me some time, I end up going deep when I do.

    His Ex is a complicated situation and no they don’t have kids together. She’s just one of those Lifetime movie crazies that can’t let go. She doesn’t want him but when he starts a relationship she all of a sudden does. I think he is scared of her and,doesn’t have a backbone when it comes to her. She can cause so much damage and drama,so I think he’s trying to please us both.

    If I knew at the beginning of the relationship about her I wouldn’t even have given him the time of day. She was just kind of sprung on me one day after I got myself attached to him. Knowing he goes to her hurts and, I’ve told him this during the first blow up. He just says “I don’t know what to do” when I tried to make him choose. I know I was asking a lot when I said that but I was hurt.

    The Ex is an idiot who got herself shot messing with drug dealers. I know it’s bad thinking but, I kind of wish she would of died the more she intervenes with us. My guy doesn’t mess with the drugs or anything like that luckily.

    #760217 Reply

    A

    This sounds like more drama than I would be able to handle.

    #760220 Reply

    Raven

    You only need to say 1 word = Really …?

    Then take a big step back & wait, but not too long.
    3 days max… Then start moving on-

    It’s up to him to set boundaries with The x

    #760222 Reply

    Anderson

    Yes, getting attached is a problem. I completely understand and empathize with getting in too deep, without going into detail. I know when the writing on the wall says that you need to get out, yet you feel you’re in over your head and in too deep that the facts almost seem to not matter. It’s not easy, and it’s normal to feel like it’s not possible, but it is. Millions of people have been through the same. Heck a couple of times I’ve not been strong enough myself and needed family and friends to be my strength, keep me in check, and constantly drill sense into me until my own rationale was restored.

    I just see a path of hurt and misery for you if you stay in this. It’s not just staying in it, it means stepping up to fight for the relationship, because clearly the guy’s not capable right now. And based on the emotional hold his ex has, he may never be. Then you’ll have to deal with the hurt of him zombie-ing off to his ex occasionally. And then the fighting off the obsessive ex herself, which if she’s taking any drugs that she’s involved in, is going to be an absolute monster to keep off. Surely a restraining order on the cards? And what if your guy doesn’t cooperate in that? And even after all this, there’s the the emotional exhaustion of dealing with it all. And even if you miraculously end up with a healthy relationship, it will have changed you for the worse.

    I hope the above paragraph does scare you, because it’s a very possible reality. Please start being selfish. Focus on yourself. Take your time, do whatever it takes for you to preserve your sanity while you emotionally and physically prepare to get out from this. It’s only been 3 months. Not even a year. You’re not even engaged or married, thankfully. I knew an acquaintance who found out worse things about her ex-husband -after- they were married. Even then she didnt wanna give up, but then once mindblowing truths were revealed, she did, but by then some irreversible damage was done already. I understand if the time length is irrelevant because you’re sensitive. But you deserve much much better than this. This is a high-risk low reward situation. Don’t ruin your life.

    #760270 Reply

    Better off single

    Then detatch. You are different from eachother but hesitant about being with him. You are letting your emotions rule out your logic. Obviously, you’re not enough for him with your lack of affection. Plus he’s bringing drama into your life and you are letting it steal your peace. Maybe that is why he is reconsidering with his ex. It’s not a game. You should not have to compete. You’re not losing anything. There are plenty more available guys out there. Let this one go and find someone more compatible.

    #760280 Reply

    LittleLost

    I thought we were a good match untill the spark kind of died. I don’t know after the first argument which was really one sided,it just seems his affection and caring for me left a little. I have to be the one to text him,I have to be the one to initiate hugging or kissing now,or to just hangout. After the second one where I thought I getting somewhere with him,it just turned out he wanted sex. Of course I didn’t do that,I just wanted to be with him even if we’re doing nothing. I get it he’s more physical needy and I’m more on the emotional side. Which I find weird because I’m usually not emotional but, he just brings it out in me and I’m usually really happy when he’s around. After the sex thing I’m just not happy with him,he couldn’t figure out what he asked of me or did wrong. That bothered me more that he couldn’t look at the situation and see what he did wrong. Instead he just apologized once he figured out I was upset with him,but he didn’t know what he was apologizing for. On top of that him going to his Ex made it worse. I know the b*tch has something she’s holding over his head that I’m not saying on here. If he could get her out of his life it’d be great.Its really annoying her always need him at the hospital,like he’s her husband or something. I know for a fact there not together,she just can’t let go of him.

    #760283 Reply

    Omg

    If she’s holding something over his head. Just get out of this. Call her a bitch, but the reality is he is still drawn to her.

    #760322 Reply

    Phoebe

    You need to get out of this situation ASAP!

    #760384 Reply

    LittleLost

    I did it,well kind of. I told him I needed a break from the relationship and he accepted it. I don’t want to break it off just yet,I’m still attached emotionally. Maybe this will give him the kick he needs. He can’t please us both and,if he chooses his Ex then he loses me.

    #760420 Reply

    LittleLost

    I know I’m stupid but,the heart wants what the heart wants. I don’t want to just throw away the relationship just because it gets tough. Maybe it’ll get better? It took a lot out of me just asking for a break,I was afraid he’d say he wanted to break up instead. Turns out he caught on I wasn’t as happy as before with him. He said he understands and was sorry for pushing me. He’d give me all the space and time I need. That’s the guy I fell for. I thought I lost him,when I yelled at him the last timr because he seemed to change a little.

    #760424 Reply

    DD

    Is he visiting his ex during this break? If so I’d turn it into a breakup asap.

    #760426 Reply

    LittleLost

    @DD

    Yes he still sees her in the hospital,she got shot 9 times by a drug dealer. It’s not really by choice though and, I kind of wish she had died. I know I’m horrible for thinking that,but she has caused so much drama and stress. If he doesn’t do what she wants he’ll lose everything he has(job,belongings,living space, everything). She’s really controlling and I don’t know why he let her have control of everything he owns. Maybe he thought at one point she was the one? Now he’s got himself stuck with her and,can’t get away until maybe next year or so. He went and dragged me into it and,I didn’t even know about her till about 2 months in. I thought well every relationship has a problem and isn’t perfect. So maybe I could just stick it through since I’m emotionally attached to him now. I mean he’s perfect to me and what I always wanted in a guy. If the Ex never got involved then we’d be fine.

    #760440 Reply

    LittleLost

    @omg

    Yes it’s real she made the news. I know sad she lived,a problem would of been solved if she didn’t. She had to have a couple of surgeries and now speech therapy. The topic of her always upsets me and brings out a jealousy. I’m not on here for fake stories,so if you have a problem please refrain from commenting.

    #760442 Reply

    LittleLost

    This is getting me no where,maybe I’m just not ready to face the inevitable.

    #760443 Reply

    Frankie

    You kind of wish she’d died???? Did you really just say that?????? Geez, you’re a bitch.

    I’ve got news for you. Someone who really wants out of a situation finds a way out. If he’s not finding a way out, he’s still attached to her and doesn’t really want you, and you need to just let this go and stop with the “the heart wants what the heart wants” nonsense.

    #760448 Reply

    LittleLost

    @frankie

    I know I’m a bitch for wishing it,there no doubt about it. You try having someone interfere with your life and relationship just because you like someone. The stress and anger builds after a time. At least I’m not threatening to hurt someone for being with “her boyfriend” like she did. It can be scary knowing someone is in the drug trade and, can send someone after you just because there nuts. I’m just not ready to let go even though now I know what everyone says I should.

    #760449 Reply

    LittleLost

    I think I’m done with this thread because, I know now I’m not ready to take the obvious advice.

    #760455 Reply

    Anderson

    I keep feeling the need to apologize for other people’s comments on this forum lol. @LittleLost please don’t take everyone seriously here, some people are here not to give mature advice and support, but dump their own life frustrations on others. If it’s hard to ignore poor comments, it’s probably best you stay away from this thread.

    Good job initiating the break. It’s the wise step because it’s not quitting the relationship cold turkey. Of course you’re not ready to end it just yet, and you’re not expected to, but a break is beneficial for the relationship no matter which way it ends up.

    And you’re not a bad person for wishing someone died. At least you have remorse for feeling that way. I lived through a mindnumbingly stressful and traumatic atmosphere one time where I wished the person causing the chaos died. First person ever I felt this way towards. And to this day I wish that monster of a man isnt alive so he doesn’t ruin any more lives. And I feel no guilt for feeling that way.

    Take care and good luck

    #760456 Reply

    Frankie

    OP, you’re running a full on pity party for yourself and you’re the one suffering the most for it.

    Yes I’ve certainly had someone’s ex try to interfere with our relationship in some pretty s%^& ways and while I’ve been angry, frustrated, etc. I’ve never wished anyone dead and I never would. You’re talking like you have no choices when you do.

    If you want to come here and talk about how you wish someone were dead because they are causing you trouble, you need to get with a counselor. That’s just such a low vibe, inappropriate and unproductive place to be coming from, the situation is never going to change.

    There are VERY good reasons you’re being told to let go by a number of people and you refuse to. You’re right about one thing, it’s time for you to step away from this site if you don’t want to take the advice and do what’s obvious.

    Sorry to see you’re having a hard time, but you have more control over this than you think. You can walk and stop participating. I really hope you choose to do that sooner rather than later.

    #760458 Reply

    DrFreud

    Let me see if I understand this.

    1) You’ve only been dating this guy 3 months.
    2) He has an ex GF he won’t tell to go away and keeps seeing her
    3) You’ve told him he has to choose between you or her and he says “I don’t know what to do”
    4) You are extremely attached to him already
    5) You feel like the spark is gone and you’re the one really trying now
    6) He only wants sex from you
    7) You’ve told him you want a break.

    Yeah… I think you’re the one who’s living the Lifetime Movie.

    This is all within your control. You walk or the drama keeps going. You can’t control him, you can’t control her. You can control you. That’s enough to make the craziness stop.

    But you keep blaming him and her for the drama. And you act and talk like a victim, like you are some kind of slave or zombie who has no choices and is powerless.

    You can’t win this one. This guy isn’t available.

    So why do you keep trying to win over someone unavailable?? That’s the real question.

    And why do you like to paint yourself as such the victim?

    Trust me, even if this woman went away, everything would NOT be “great.”

    Why don’t you think you deserve to be in a good, healthy relationship. That’s another question for you.

    Focus on answering those, not pointing the finger at her and calling her a B and wishing she was dead. That’s pathetic little child stuff. And very disempowering to you.

    #760460 Reply

    Zara

    “I done got myself attached” or however you phrased it.

    Why are you suddenly this attached to this guy in three months?? When you started out so slow and not even sure if you wanted him?

    I think this is a case of you now want what is hard to get, which is him. Because another woman wants him.

    The central problem here is you got too attached too fast to a man who as DrFreud points out isn’t available. None of the rest of the story matters. If this is a pattern of yours, you need to figure out how to stop it. You have 100% created this problem. The good new is, you can 100% solve it by detaching and walking away.

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