This topic contains 31 replies, has 1 voice, and was last updated by Mattg 3 months, 4 weeks ago.
March 19, 2019 at 7:24 pm #743401
I am finalizing a divorce (been checked out for a while). I recently hung out with an old friend, someone who i was interested in, and we had a great time. We ended up kissing at the end of the night but the days after seemed more distant. I asked her why and she said that she just wants to be friends for now. I again asked her why. She stated that it was due to the divorce as well as the fact that it’s been so long since we have seen each other, she is unsure if she sees us being more than friends, yet. Her words exactly. She said she wants to continue hanging out as friends with no presssure on trying to figure out her feelings. What exactly does all this mean?March 19, 2019 at 7:27 pm #743402
A lot of women will pump the brakes on a budding relationship until the divorce is finalized and some time has gone by for you to grieve the relationship. Nobody wants to be the rebound girl. The odds are never in their favor.March 19, 2019 at 8:25 pm #743404
I get what you’re saying but I made it very clear to her that the relationship (divorce) has been gone for a while. And then on top of that her comment pertaining how we have been apart so long that she is unsure if she wants anything more than friends, makes me feel like I’ll get my hopes up for nothing and get hurt. I guess I could just be friends with her and just let her see my “I don’t give a F” side :)March 19, 2019 at 9:11 pm #743411
Where’s the fire…?March 19, 2019 at 9:21 pm #743414
It’s called finding a replacement wife to fill the void. She’s a very smart woman.March 19, 2019 at 9:26 pm #743416
I can assure you I’m not looking for a replacement wife. I have no intentions of every remarrying. My relationship has been over for two plus years. I’ve moved on. You have the right to your opinion but you couldn’t be any more off base.March 19, 2019 at 9:27 pm #743417
Where’s the fire? Meaning the fire to pursue her or are you speaking of something else?March 19, 2019 at 9:31 pm #743419
You are clueless. She is telling you no. And even further she may not even see you romantically. What does she mean? She means she wants to see you as friends and maybe it could turn into something but no promises. She could not be any clearer.March 19, 2019 at 9:47 pm #743423
Oy vey. Why do people have to be so rude. Asking simple advice. Thanks for the kind responseMarch 19, 2019 at 10:08 pm #743427
Matt, no one’s being rude. You asked, you’re being told the truth. Often men say they’re over it when they come out of a divorce but they are not. Not anywhere near it. She’s not interested, she’s been very upfront and honest about that. Respect her for that. You’d be smarter to leave her alone and date others.March 19, 2019 at 10:27 pm #743433
Why does she still want to hang out then? Why is she saying things like she is not ready NOW. You have to read the entire context. Those are mixed signals.March 19, 2019 at 10:29 pm #743434
Are you 15 years old?March 19, 2019 at 10:44 pm #743436
Matt, she’s being SENSIBLE here and not wanting to rush into anything. Why are you being so pushy? There’s nothing wrong with the way she wants to do this, in fact, it’s practical especially based on your mindset. You saying you don’t want to “re-marry” means you’re not seeking a true relationship or commitment, just looking for casual. Sorry but women get super hurt in these situations and she’s SMART to guard and protect herself from those who could do her harm.March 20, 2019 at 5:48 am #743447
No such thing as mixed signals Matt. She’s told you she wants to be friends. Hello!!!!! You’ve been firmly friend-zoned and if you would step out of your self-centered perspective of just wanting her the way you want her instead of listening to her, it would make sense to you. Anyone recently out of a marriage is high rebound territory. You say you’re over it, yet you say you are never getting married again. That’s a classic sign of someone who has not processed their pain entirely. Most women won’t date a man who states he’s never getting married again, major turn-off. That means I”m looking for Ms. Right Now, not Ms. Right and I will leave you when I find someone I think is better or when I heal entirely.
The common wisdom on this site is, don’t date a guy who’s only separated or a guy who’s very recently divorced. If you’re looking for a serious relationship, men in those categories are a poor risk.
She likes you enough to be friends. That’s a good thing. She could have just told you to go away. Also, she may want to give it time to see if your actions match your statements that you’re really over this or see if you change your mind about marriage, without any pressure on her. She’s definitely not interested in having sex with you and getting attached at this stage. That’s fair, she is entitled to keep her options open right now. Respect that.March 20, 2019 at 9:06 am #743451
If you have no intentions of ever remarrying, why would she want to move forward in a manner that emotionally invests in you? You’ve been friend zoned because she knows the end here. She gets wound up in you, emotionally attached, asks you for commitment and then gets to listen to you tell her that “you can’t commit and never want to marry again”.
What you want is casual, but with emotional attachment on her end, all of the “perks” of a girlfriend/wife, but the ability to dump her when something better comes along since you “warned her” that you don’t want marriage, you have an easy out.
I meet men like you all the time. By virtue of not wanting marriage, you don’t want a real relationship, but don’t want to admit it. You just want casual. But you can’t admit to wanting just casual because you want the woman to be emotionally attached because you enjoy that part of a relationship. The only way you can get true emotional attachment with a woman is through a real, committed relationship. Smart women know not to go down that road…March 20, 2019 at 9:09 am #743452
Also, some women can have sex and not get attached. I’m one. The only way I will do it is if a man is 100% clear and upfront that it is casual and asks for no emotional support. IE, he’s a hot guy that stays in my friend zone. So yeah, we do stay distant and we keep conversation not personal.March 20, 2019 at 10:10 am #743457
Yup, he wants the ‘girlfriend experience’ but not a girlfriend he will commit too. I hope other ladies read this post and see all the WARNING SIGNS of men who engage in this activity. He doesn’t care about HER; he only cares about getting what he wants—temporary companionship without any of the expectations a true commitment leads to, such as marriage. If a man has this mindset…RUN or you’re just going to be a string of ladies he entertains until she wants “more” (a commitment) and he will run away!
This lady is SMART—be that lady!March 20, 2019 at 10:17 am #743458
I can’t believe your post Lane. You are so off base it’s not even funny. I really like this girl. This girl does not want to get married either. I am an extremely loyal guy and stay with girls for long periods of time. I would love to spoil this girl with all of my attention. Make her 100% happy. I’m so disappointed at the hate you are throwing my way when you don’t even know me. I’m a great dad, friend and companion.March 20, 2019 at 10:48 am #743462
Mattg I feel a bit sorry for you, you do seem to have been given some harsh words which I’m not sure are necessarily deserved.
What I will say is, do you have any idea about her previous dating/relationship history? It could be that she has been in a similar position before and been burnt, so is trying to protect herself from making the same mistakes again. Also, I know you say you’ve explained to her that your marriage was over long before the divorce, but all she has to go on is your words. I would like to think I’d do the same in her position – take things slowly, protect my heart and give you time to fully extricate yourself from your marriage before moving into anything new. Does she know your ex-wife? Is she friends with your family and other friends? Maybe she just doesn’t want to be seen as a home-wrecker and would rather the divorce be fully done before anything happens with you two so nobody will think it’s anything to do with her.March 20, 2019 at 10:59 am #743464
A lot of women have programmed themselves to put up walls because men are SO AFRAID of anything that suggests or hints that a woman may want a connection. Because they get burned, most often by divorcees who date them like its a relationship, and then drop them like a hot rock the moment the man decides he’s like his freedom after all. And freedom isn’t just marriage- it’s the ability to date lots of women, not have to compromise, stay out late with guys, sleep with whoever.
She KNOWS you haven’t yet enjoyed the total freedom phase, which is a heady and fun time. I HIGHLY recommend you take a year or two to be fully divorced and learn how to live without emotional support from a woman, and then start dating for real and creating those connections.
Or she maybe just isn’t all that attracted to you, romantically. It happens.March 20, 2019 at 11:12 am #743468
Matt, do you know how many ladies have said they don’t want to get married UNTIL they get too deep into the relationship and change their mind? Too many! She’s leery about your intentions or she wouldn’t be taking this route. You ‘liking’ a lady isn’t enough to start something. It takes a lot more than that for a lady to feel confident or sure about your true intentions with her. She’s probably been burnt enough to KNOW not to rush into something and is SMART not to dive into a shallow pool head first until she has more information to determine your true state of mind and intentions with her.
You are not listening to her. She’s the one who’s going to get really hurt when you tell her “I don’t want to be in a relationship” after you realize you’re not ready for anything serious (a commitment). You want what you want because you’re now FREE to do it without an encumbrances (a wife) but I don’t believe for one minute your intentions for her are genuine or pure and looking for a replacement (aka place holder) until it starts to get ‘too serious’ and you run away.
Many of us have gone through a divorce and understand the ‘rebound territory’ very well—its a real thing and she has the right to be VERY LEERY about stepping into it.March 20, 2019 at 12:09 pm #743473
MHC and anon, thank you for the thoughtful responses. This is exactly what I was looking for and some of it hits home for me. She doesn’t know my ex or my family or anything.
Lane, we will agree to disagree. I’m not a player, looking for a placeholder or any of the other negative things you have portrayed me to be. I’m a genuine guy who is genuinely interested in her.
I am not pressuring her in any way. I actually took a step back from her and we discussed just hanging out as friends, and that’s okay with me, as she was a friend first.
For me I was simply looking for others perspective on a situation I wasn’t 100% sure on how to handle. Thank you to those who gave me constructive feedback.March 20, 2019 at 12:40 pm #743477
Here’s the thing- you don’t KNOW you are a player, but you are displaying attributes of men likely to come on strong emotionally towards a woman, then back off. I think a lot of men do this not knowing it. I don’t think Lane is saying you are a jerk/bad.
There are a lot of ways you can connect with a woman and she can connect with you. You feel distance from this woman and it confuses you. You are programmed right now to want to relate to women like you would go about pursuing a wife. Which is create an emotional bond. It’s not evil or bad, it’s what you know. And most women respond really well to that. “Oh, the guy cares about me”.
So as a woman, when a man comes in strong emotionally, a woman starts to see you as a potential long term prospect. Let’s her guard down. Let’s you in. Once she comes in emotionally, players cut lose, and good guys who suddenly start questioning their desire to be committed flip out. Since you have said “you will never get married again” that’s a big red flag that you don’t have a desire to commit.
When a woman says she’ll never get married again, it’s usually a lie to look like a chill girl. It usually is not someone who doesn’t ever want commitment. She’s looking at you, and knows that in 3 months, you’ll probably feel differently.March 20, 2019 at 3:59 pm #743490
Anon, I understand what you’re saying and some of it is partially true, but some requires more knowledge into my reasoning for not wanting to remarry. Let’s just say I worked very hard and secured my future financially, and then all the sudden a big chunk of it is gone due to trusting in someone I was committed to. It isn’t that I would be emotionally unavailable and I can never say never, but I’d rather not remarry. And if I did remarry, a well thought out prenup would be a requirement.March 20, 2019 at 4:04 pm #743492
What part of her saying she doesn’t want a relationship with you, don’t you understand?