Urgent advice needed (meeting tomorrow)


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This topic contains 37 replies, has 1 voice, and was last updated by  Blu 1 week ago.

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  • #731195 Reply

    Em

    I’m having a relationship problem with my long distanced boyfriend of 3 years and things haven’t been well in recent weeks. Basically he has been sent to Japan for some months and workload there is huge and stressful but he says it makes him happy and feel valued, even though every time I asked him how he is, he would say bad, so so, meh, etc. He is certainly having a rough time and becoming distant which never happened before, and this week is especially bad. He has said certain things that make me wonder if he is considering a breakup.

    Prior to his move to Japan we were talking about marriage seriously (he initiated the talk and seemed enthusiastic about making plans). But two months later, he’s become quite stressed at work so he said it wouldn’t be something he’d consider right now because he wants to focus on his career. Which I understand and have been trying to give him space.

    Tomorrow I am flying to his city but I am having a panic attack and feeling very anxious right now that I find it hard to breathe and I can’t focus on my work. He will be working on weekdays while I am there so we won’t have so much time together. He also suddenly told me on Friday (tomorrow is thurs) he may have to go on a day trip for work (he often had last-minute biz trips within the country the past two months) and said his apartment may still have some problem with the electricity so he may book a hotel instead. I am imagining many things even though I know I shouldn’t. I would just like to have some advice on what I should or should not do or say because I am afraid to ruin our relationship. We have been very committed and currently I would not like to walk away.

    #731196 Reply

    peggy

    Em-she is stressed-just go there,relax and be supportive-not add to his stress. I am sure the relationship is fine and will get back on track when he is done working there.

    #731197 Reply

    peggy

    He is stressed I mean.

    #731201 Reply

    Em

    Yes certainly he’s stressed… I feel like it’s really bad timing to visit him tomorrow for a few days, but everything’s booked and it’s not cheap so I will still go… but then I’m worried what will happen

    #731214 Reply

    Newbie

    Like yourself and Peggy said: he is stressed and overwhelmed with work. Why would this have anything to do with your relationship? You said its stable and there is talk about marriage.
    Go and accept he might not be as available as you would like. So have fun at the moments you can spend together

    #731215 Reply

    Newbie

    What were the things he said that made you question how he feels? And who initiated those talks?

    #731218 Reply

    Em

    He does have a lot on his plate and it makes me wonder if he’s come to think of me as a burden

    #731217 Reply

    Em

    Hi Newbie, thanks for replying.
    So he mentioned “many things have changed in life” which i assume he refers to his work/life balance; that he deserves to prioritize his career now; and last weekend he said “a lot has been on his mind” but couldn’t tell me what, and these things made him feel pretty negatively in general, since then his texts have become very cold and distant, and no longer responds to any nice messages I sent (which were brief and sweet) except “thanks”…

    #731222 Reply

    Newbie

    Long distance can have an effect on people. Some guys dont like texting all the time when they are working, so that can feel like a burden to them. I cant tell. I think its important you shake off this bad feelings and go in with a happy mindset. Thats the best advice i can give here. Youre only a burden to a man if he feels he cant make you happy or fullfill your needs. He might question if he is ready to be a husband, but thats a fair question. You cant force this in any way. I would still say that if the relationship over all has been good then you should be able to get the spark back when you arrive

    #731223 Reply

    Em

    Thanks! I will try my best to stop worrying…

    #731244 Reply

    Lane

    Em, you really need to calm down. There are times I’m super overwhelmed running my business to the point I’m tapped, tired, exhausted, spent and really just need some space to decompress and unwind from a very hectic week. My BF has felt like you on a couple occasions and I had to assure him we were OK, I was just overwhelmed with work and not in a talkative mood. He now knows my ‘cues’ so no longer worries and patiently waits until I’m ready to re-engage again.

    Do NOT add to his stress. You’re experiencing a change in your normal pattern due to extraordinary circumstances (distance) so its normal to feel off balance and unsure when facing a difficult situation. Go into this believing all is OK and be your normal self because if he feels like you’re going to be another layer of stress for him due to not being able to give you time and reassurance you require, he may end it. Really try to keep your fears at bay and be fun, light, easy and breezy which shows him you’re a capable and confident woman who’s able to weather the hard times as well as the good one’s.

    My ex husband was deployed a lot while in the military and the one thing that helped him the most was knowing that I was handling the homefront so he could perform his mission without any worry or stress. He has a mission and by supporting his mission (goals) knowing it be short-term will go a lot further than constantly worrying, stressing, or complaining about it. Be strong.

    #731267 Reply

    Hahaha

    I can’t help myself. Why does Lane always act and talk like a man. Her feminine bf gets so upset when she acts busy and doesn’t have time for him so she has to assure him like a girl. It’s pretty funny really. It’s like a female version of Stephen. Look stupid weak women just get a grip. My boyfriend acts stupid like you do too and needs to be assured so as a masculine woman who pisses standing up trust me. I ven though you have no idea what is going on with this couple and what is actually going on in that man’s head.

    #731270 Reply

    Stephen

    Lane is worth a hundred of you hahahaha!

    #731272 Reply

    Catherine

    I’m sorry, to me this sounds like he lost interest and is blowing you off. Do people in Japan generally work all weekend?

    He suddenly told you he may have to go on a field trip for work? (Can you join him? can he leave early).

    There’s electricity problems where he lives so a hotel is needed with you?

    I’m sorry, he’s not interested or is already with someone else.

    #731275 Reply

    anon

    I would go and enjoy yourself like a tourist, and don’t demand anything of him.

    I imagine that going to Japan to work would be stressful, as the Japanese are known for putting pressure on themselves professionally that is much higher than in other cultures. I imagine if he has a work trip on Friday, you can’t attend.

    I would not write him off as being disinterested or with someone new, but he also probably has not a lot of bandwidth to think about you right now.

    #731298 Reply

    Emma

    I do agree with those who think he is losing interest. He may have met someone. When you meet him, do not push questions on him. Be subtle. Observe, do not talk much, let him easy into being with you slowly and gradually. Do not talk relationships, talk other things. Whatever it is, is going to come up, but you want to be careful and delicate about things. Women tend to jump the gun and corner men with direct questions, but sometimes they themselves don’t have the answers yet, not everything is definitely, let him decide, help him make that decision on his own. Show him love but do not “beg” or try to justify yourself or “prove” how great you and your relationships are. He needs to value them as much as you. Listen more, talk less.

    #731302 Reply

    Anne ohio

    I’m not buying the electricity thing. I think he has a woman. Agreed, go as a tourist and be prepared to be blown off by him. Let us know what happens.

    Japan isn’t a third world country. Their electricity works just fine.

    #731318 Reply

    Em

    Guys i have some updates… I had an emotional roller coaster last night and basically didn’t get any sleep.

    First he told me he had booked a hotel since the fuse couldnt be fixed yet, and he mentioned he’d checked the cinema for Saturday (we said we wanna see a movie), so i felt like maybe things were fine after all since he was somewhat making plans.

    Around 2am his time, he told me he had lost his wallet, when i asked how, he didn’t read my message nor pick up my call. So i couldn’t sleep the whole night. In the morning, he replied i would have to pay for the hotel or we postpone my trip. I said I would pay and asked more about the wallet. He was quite cranky, said it might make him lose his job because of the bank card. I suggested he could just report it; can’t imagine it’s that serious, and i could help pay anything he needed first. He said i didnt understand and his colleague could help him, thank you. It was like he was talking to a stranger or someone he dislikes… I said whatever this was all about i would be there tonight and we should talk in person. He agreed but said now he couldnt afford to come to the airport to pick me up. So i said we can meet at the hotel instead and that’s whats been happening so far.

    I still dont know what he or i will say… For now i plan to ask him just relax and focus on us while not at work and spend the weekend without stress, then on the last day if we wanna talk about anything we can do that…

    #731320 Reply

    Zoe

    I agree with Catherine. He lost interest. I would not go if I had to stay in a hotel. There is no excuse. He probably found /talking to somebody else.

    #731329 Reply

    Jackie

    After your update about the wallet and all the new expenses you’re going to have to take on it sounds less expensive to cancel!

    #731330 Reply

    Emma

    This guy is doing everything (in a stupid way) to prevent you from coming over. What a coward.

    #731331 Reply

    Blu

    I’m so sorry. Your update gets worse and worse, he lost his wallet? You can contact a bank and get a replacement card ASAP. He just wants you to pay for the hotel. I don’t beleive the electricity excuse. I don’t beleive he lost a wallet. I can’t beleive you are willing to give him your own money and pay for everything. I don’t beleive he has a work trip on Friday. I don’t beleive he is being at all honest or even wanting you to visit. I think you need to stop worrying about him being less stressed and figure out what his deal is. Nothing you say is positive and you unfortunately you are going way above and beyond for a man treating you really badly.

    #731341 Reply

    Em

    I understand what you are all saying… And if we just look at what i wrote above it does look crazy that im even going (on the way to airport now).

    But i have not just started dating him recently, we have had a long distance relationship for the past 3 years (we met in one city then he had to move to different locations for his studies and work). Despite that we seemed to have a solid foundation, we managed to see each other every two months or more frequently. We always had fun and went through some difficult times, we fought and communicated and had so far seemed really strong. We have met each others families and everything so it was serious. Up until september when he moved to japan for this assignment. He really loves it there despite the stress. Initially we thought it would make things easier for us since i’m based in asia too and previously he was in europe, but somehow we haven’t managed to meet even once since late july. Then in october and november things started to feel difficult, and the last couple of weeks it was getting worse as he might not be allowed to stay in japan for as long as he had wished for. Last weekend however we still had a nice call, it was light and fun. Suddenly three days ago his tone became super cold and formal when texting.

    So i guess it’s understandable why i can’t simply walk away because of our history, im taken off guard and don’t want to do anything that we will regret…

    So earlier i texted him confessing i sense something is off and that made me feel confused, and that i d like to still spend the weekend together as planned and when we are more relaxed we can address any issues no matter the outcome… His reply: i can’t take care of everything. I have to take care of myself first for once. Me losing the wallet is a disaster. I have to get it fixed.

    I don’t know what to make of this so i haven’t replied yet..

    #731343 Reply

    JB

    It really sounds like he’s panicking because you are coming…I agree with others that he seems to be coming up with all kinds of excuses to not have you be there!? I’m so sorry, but none of this sounds good, but I hope I’m wrong…

    #731344 Reply

    Shay

    Em, I know this isn’t what you want to hear, but please please please cancel this trip. There is something really weird going on. He’s either met someone else or changed his mind about being with you, or God only knows what else. This is a string of bizarre lies. If you show up, he will pick a major fight and it’s going to get weirder and you’re going to feel worse.

    None of this washes. The electricity, can’t come get you, etc. And the wallet thing – sure, it’s a hassle to lose your wallet but this is pretty strange timing and it’s not THAT hard to cancel everything and get replacements.

    Get on a video call and talk with him – you need to see his face. If he won’t talk, then let this cool off until he’s ready to get on a video call. He is not behaving like someone who wants to be with you. I know that’s really hard to swallow but you will be better off facing the truth of that then going there and having it all blow up in your face.

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