Unable to find LOVE

The good news is, you shouldn’t be settling for less, lowering your standards, or dating a man with issues or who isn’t emotionally available. You’ve got that part all correct!

The bad news is, if you put pressure on all your romantic interactions with men to “go somewhere” (lead to falling in love, “maybe this one will be the one??”), it leaves you pining for a fantasy in your head and looking for a certain type of quick spark that won’t last, instead of slowly getting to know the guys in front of you. Finding the right man is less about yearning for something and more about being curious and emotionally connecting. Seeing who you are physically attracted to who also makes you feel comfortable, who is reliable and shows up because he’s interested in you, who wants similar and compatible things in life in line with what you want (also wants to find love with a gf and not just a casual FWB, don’t waste time with FWB men if you want love!). If you both connect and want to continue getting to know each other, something great may grow from there with a little time.

You can’t force it, though, and it can take a long time to find for some people. Especially at your age, when many men are immature and not as likely to be looking for love yet, then it’s harder to meet someone on your same page, as you’ve already found. You can enjoy making connections and also enjoy spending time focusing on and enjoying yourself too if you’re not meeting the right men. But a good way to find the right men is to focus on one step at a time, “do I want to know this man better and have a second date, then a third,” and so on… before worrying about if you’ll both fall in love. It will make the men you meet more comfortable as well, which will help draw the right ones to you.

Thanks, Maddie and Erin. I think I’m putting much pressure on myself. I should seek to make connections rather than worrying about if I’ll fall in love with the particular person. But there is some pressure…yesterday, I took an evening walk and the young couples I saw were holding hands on the road, and I was like, damn…I wish I could have that. Then, there is a woman who told me that If I get out of campus without a man, I will probably never find one out there…there is this pressure too.

“Nah girl, tell that woman a stranger from a forum said you’re giving bad advice to a young person and you’re full of crap lol.”

Hahahaha. And TRUE!

I had two boyfriends in college and wasn’t single after freshman year. Neither married me, thank goodness. They were unbelievably toxic and I was too young to know. I met many more men after school, and when I stopped putting unnecessary pressure on myself and started just doing what I described above (take getting to know someone one date at a time for a little while at the beginning, don’t put pressure on the dates), then I finally met someone great. You are not a failure if you graduate without a husband or MRS! You may even be better off because many people who meet that young don’t know how to have a healthy relationship and grow apart, even though they may have gotten married first. Some who meet young are lucky, other people use more experience in dating to learn more about who they are, what they want, what works for them, how to be a better partner, and what men make the best boyfriends and husbands so they can choose the right ones. Both can find enduring love, so it’s okay to not find a husband before school is over!

Hi, Ess,

I feel that you are on the right-track in putting yourself out there .

I understand the insight that does exist in that woman’s advice. In my Freshman Year of College, my Relative who had then finished college a few years before advised me to look for somebody while I was in college since I then had access to a lot of prospects and once I graduated college and started work, I would not be in interaction with as many guys, and my priorities (added on case of survival on my own) would be different. I now perceive that he had given me very logical advice.

However, that woman is completely rudely invalid in claiming there would be no hope for you if you did not find somebody before graduating college. Out of all my friends who were in college relationships, just ONE is now married to her then boyfriend.

It is great that you are getting as much good Dating-Experience as you can. They will all culminate in a healthy, loving Marriage as your End-Game! I used to believe that love would drop out of the sky and so I should not go out of my way to find love. However, My Friend advised me that I need to be aggressive with My Dating-Life if I want to marry; and that completely converted me.

Of course, there is as much likely possibility for you to incidentally cross paths with the guy you end-up marrying. In any case, you need to keep putting yourself out there.

In addition, I have not been one to feel jealous when coming across happy couples. My Philosophy is that jealousy over somebody in a happy, loving Relationship is analogous to being an aspiring Actor, who is jealousy of a Nobel Prize Winner of Chemistry. Unless you are actually romantically interested in the very person that person is in a Relationship with, it is pointless for you to be jealous of that person.

I wish you good luck!

Thanks a lot Erin and Maddie😘. I feel more contented about being single and I’ve learnt something on how to approach love life.