This topic contains 11 replies, has 1 voice, and was last updated by tammy 6 months, 1 week ago.
July 20, 2019 at 5:57 pm #757621
my ex (20) and I (19) had been together for about two years. We’d been living together for the past 10 months in my moms old house as she moved states. When I met him, he was working at Wendy’s, no car, no college, no goals, and honestly he wanted to be rapper/ producer. This actually sounds so ridiculous as I’m typing it. A few months after we started dating I had decided I was moving across the us for school but I never ended up going— I stayed here with him. We moved into the house, worked at a restaurant together, and he agreed to go to school at the local community college and give it a shot the following semester. That’s what we both did. Everything was perfectly fine until about March. He stopped wanting to go to class.. saying I forced him to go there and he never wanted to do it, meanwhile he could never hold down a job and was getting fired/ quitting with no plan and would stay unemployed for months at a time. He would sit in the house in his PJs and play on my Xbox, expecting praise for folding the laundry when I’d get home from work. I would work multiple jobs, I had the only car, and we were under my roof!!! I begged him to get it together and I was patient for so long but I started feeling so taken advantage of. To sit unemployed for months with nothing but excuses. Five days ago he expected to use my car to get to a job interview, I got slightly heated and suggested he ubered/ asked someone else for help because I had been paying for everything and I needed my car to get to work. he ignored me for two hours. When I approached him I was mad and asked why everything gets handled so childishly. Sitting in my house, in my kitchen, ignoring me because I told him he couldn’t use my car….. so he blew a fuse, packed a bag, said he was leaving me and I could control and manipulate someone else, and quite literally walked out all the way to his dads.
I was heartbroken. I went over there and begged him to come back. He told me he didn’t love me anymore. And that I had let him walk all the way over there and that I didn’t care.
But I keep picking at every little situation. I just wanted change. I wanted him to do something for himself. I wanted him to get a car and a job and have goals. And then I felt weak. Because he was abusive. None of the things I ever tried to discuss with him were ever fixed or changed. It was just turned into a pity party of me apologizing to him for making him feel like he wasn’t good enough. And when it wasn’t that, it was him screaming in my face and holding my face right up against his telling me it’s the only way to get me to listen and I make him act that way. I make excuses for him but then I remember I negotiated my whole life for him and isolated myself to accommodate him, but I was “controlling” and “manipulative” for getting fed up with the unemployed ungrateful cycle.
So my question is. Why do I keep wanting him to come back? Will he? He got his things the following day and blocked me on a few things and was incredibly hostile while I was trying to keep it lighthearted. I want him to so bad but I know deep down I don’t need it at all. I just want the upper hand. After all I’ve done and he left me. It makes me fume.
And what is this behavior? Is it narcissism? Is it immaturity? And what did I do wrong?July 20, 2019 at 6:19 pm #757622
Well to start with you were trying to turn a “loser” into a winner. He was not self motivated,so in the end he did nothing. Just like he was doing when you met him.
Why do you think you still want him-because you are still looking at his potential the “if only”. And as you know now,is never going to happen.
Secondly I think some part of his uselessness and “needing you to direct his life-makes you feel superior and “wow what a good and smart person and good catch I am”. It bolsters your self esteem. Maybe you would not feel worthy of a guy that had it all together? These are questions to ask yourself/think about. If what I suggest rings true-then work on confidence and get some therapy. Most certainly do not get back together with him-this is never going to be a good/healthy relationship.July 20, 2019 at 7:10 pm #757624
Better off single
Good riddance. He tried to turn it around on you and make it your fault. Your guilt wants him back. Once you get over the guilt, you will easily get over him. Its going to take time and no contact. He probably will never change or you not taking him back will spark something in him to realize you are right on a lot of things and he will change. Win/win for you because you won’t have to deal with it anymore.
You can not save somebody who does not want to save themselves- they want it handed to them.July 20, 2019 at 7:59 pm #757630
Let him go. You never had the upper hand. He used you.July 20, 2019 at 8:06 pm #757631
you can’t turn a sow’s ear into a silk purse…July 20, 2019 at 10:36 pm #757653
T from NY
Boys do what they wanna do
Men do what they have to do
Detach from this immaturity and date a manJuly 21, 2019 at 1:58 am #757660
Why do you keep wanting him to come back? – Because you possibly have an anxious attachment style – YouTube this and have a think. People who are anxiously attached have a fear of abandonment & when they are left they will panic, get upset & beg/act clingy.
I had an ex partner who used to get fired, weekly & it was draining and financially worrying. You are better without him. When you let go of the wrong people, you leave room for the right people.
Focus on you. Let him go & work on becoming securely attached.July 21, 2019 at 3:47 pm #757743
The emotional connection was there but I feel as though my frustration/ irritation after so long became “too much for him to handle” rather than him just doing what every growing adult has to do. Work, plan for a future, set goals… get a damn car. I waited for so long and put my life on hold. Peggy I am I confident woman and I know I deserved someone who could do much better which is why I urged him to figure things out for so long. He wouldn’t even make eye contact with me when I tried to discuss things with him. Our communication was severely lacking and I felt drained trying to get him to be an adult. I just want to understand his thought process and why he blames me for everything. When he walked out I was hit with “you didn’t wake me up to take me here” “every argument ends on your terms” “I spent every last cent I had on you” etc. Is he ever going to realize everything I did was to help himJuly 21, 2019 at 3:50 pm #757744
It’s not your job to help him. You picked a dud of a man.July 21, 2019 at 8:09 pm #757766
Unfortunately his immaturity and your maturity were not well matched. Additionally, your roles went from BF/GF to mother/child where you were the mother and he was the child. You can’t make an adult grow up, all you can do is push them out the nest and force them to fly on their own. Let his father take care of the man-child. This was life lesson, one that taught you that you need to vet men better so you don’t have to deal with situation again. Like they say “onward and upward!”July 22, 2019 at 10:26 am #757815
I know it is really hard for you right now. You got together when you were 17 and thought he was the love of your life. But he’s obviously immature and not driven. You can’t make him go to college or get a job. He has to do it for himself. I learned this the hard way after being married to a man for 24 years who was an alcoholic and didn’t work for the last 8 years of our marriage. The difference was we had 3 children together and I felt stuck. You are young and have your whole life ahead of you. This is not the only man in the world. You will find a guy who is much better suited for you and willing to work TOGETHER with you to achieve you goals! A man who wants a partnership with you and will carry his own weight. You need to let this guy walk away. Especially after reading the part where you said he was abusive. He’s not good enough for you so walk away. Your first major break up in your life is never easy. You think it’s the end of the world when really it’s the beginning! Chin up buttercup!!July 22, 2019 at 10:42 am #757818
you may not realise it now. but he actually did a very gud turn for you. you were not able to pull the plug so he did it for you. there was no future to this thing anyways. he yet has to find his way and path in life. and you were growing resentful of his ways day by day and felt he was sponging off you and not pulling his weight around. maybe he will grow responsible in the future but that will happen only when he wants to and in his own time. nothing here anymore. its just going to get more toxic. you need to move on girl.