This topic contains 21 replies, has 1 voice, and was last updated by alia 10 months, 3 weeks ago.
September 22, 2017 at 11:27 am #655998
So I met this guy through a dating app about 5 weeks ago now and, up until today, it’s been going amazingly well! We first met about a month ago, and have seen each other 5 times in total. We’ve had great dates, doing fun activities (bowling, crazy golf etc!), and dinner/drinks. We really click – we laugh, get on well, want similar things in life, have amazing chemistry and are both really attracted to each other. We slept together on the fourth date, after a long Saturday date (which was amazing) and his behavior afterwards was really sweet. He was cuddly and chatty, and not distant at all (like I’ve previously experienced!) We went for breakfast in the morning and it all went swimmingly. I heard from him quickly later that day, wanting to arrange a fifth date. Fifth date came around last night, and we decided to do something chilled; dinner at mine. He came round, we chatted, cuddled (ended up having sex quite soon…) then we had dinner, and sat on the sofa chatting and cuddling (always lots of chatting and cuddling haha!) We ended up having sex on the sofa (naughty) and then went to bed – we had always planned for him to stay over. Generally the date was great BUT I did sense a small shift throughout the evening… he didn’t seem to be trying quite as hard as he used to, fewer compliments, less chat about future dates. It was kind of like, he knew he didn’t need to chase anymore, so didn’t bother – fair enough I guess. Maybe I gave in to sex too easily yesterday… or it suddenly became too comfortable and domestic. I haven’t heard from him yet today (it’s like 4pm..) which is totally normal – however if I don’t hear from him this evening, that would not be normal at all. Reason I’m panicking prematurely is because, for some reason, I feel like I’m not going to hear from him. I’m probably overreacting completely, but I just feel he’s not quite as keen as he was! PLEASE someone reassure me. I’m driving myself crazy, very prematurely I realise, but my gut is usually right… Has the excitement gone for him? Will i hear from him again?
September 22, 2017 at 11:57 am #656006
One of the most common issues here. Women who don’t want casual sex, but want a serious relationship, sleep with a guy before it’s been determined you are a compatible in the most important and key areas, and before you are in a relationship.
You can have sex whenever you like, but you can NOT sex a man into a relationship or loving you. When you sleep with a guy a woman usually bonds further with him due to the hormones released during sex.
MEN DO NOT BOND THIS WAY, not if they are not already falling for the girl. Guys can sleep with 5 women in one day and feel nothing for any of them.
This is why women hurt themselves. They don’t stay true to what they want and their standards, then expect prince charming to sweep them up.
Of course this guy wanted a chill home date with you after you had sex the first time, to a guy a home date before a relationship is established is ALL about sex. He knew exactly what he was doing and you jumped right in. So to a guy who is mostly interest in FWB or casual sex, that is all you will get, and you will get hurt.
Based on his actions to this point, I think it’s probable sex is mostly what he wanted.
You are too eager and easy for him. He has to make so little effort.
This is why we tell women to slow the pace, observe the guy, and if and ONLY if he shows consistently his words and actions match that he’s interested in you as a person and getting to know you, and those actions are not mostly or solely to get in your pants, that you progress things. Men will put in lots of work to get laid.
Only men who are seriously looking for a relationship or really like you will put that effort into getting to know who you are.
Men can get sex almost anywhere, I don’t want to be just another pit stop. So if you don’t either, stop treating yourself like one.September 22, 2017 at 11:57 am #656007
I think some of the excitement is gone for YOU, not him. I think you are disappointed that his affection faded so quickly and you should be. That’s where your focus should be. That you’re disappointed. Not that he has gone off you.
Once you understand that you will hear from him. Whether or not you choose to continue is up to you. But your roller coaster is all of your own making.September 22, 2017 at 12:13 pm #656017
When I started dating again after a 4 year relationship I was told to never accept a ‘home date’ unless it was an absolute need (i.e. he travels a lot or you live an hour apart) or unless a ‘this is where we are’ conversation has been had – because this is what happens. Once the dates out stop and the attention from him stops, he has lost interest. I personally don’t have sex until status is confirmed, which has usually been 2 months in.. and nothing wrong with getting yours but you need to realize if HE isn’t at that point yet you can’t whirl out of control like you are, and also realize that if he doesn’t call/txt one day then maybe you aren’t secure enough with yourself and that raises more issues down the line and he may of ended up walking away anyhow.
Just remember: when a man is into you he lets you know it (especially during the courting phase) and he puts that effort it constantly (in my experience), even after you’ve had sex and after you’ve established a status. But since it looks like things have been rushed.. he may have just lost interest because the chase is gone and most (if not all) men need the chase in order to know they ‘won’ over the girl or else it isn’t worth it to them..September 22, 2017 at 12:19 pm #656019
Well said Philly!September 22, 2017 at 1:12 pm #656042
As someone who breaks the rule and has sex early:
If you only want to have sex with your boyfriends, wait until you are exclusive to have sex. If you don’t care about that, then what you did is fine, you just have to realize that sex doesn’t make a guy want to date you who wasn’t already considering dating you. Because of some things in my past, I don’t automatically get attached to guys during sex, so it doesn’t bother me.
That said, I slept with my current boyfriend the second time I saw him (the first was the night I met him). We didn’t even go on a date…I just hung out with him and his friends and I think I even paid for my own drinks. I broke EVERY rule. But he respects me and is committed to me. And he takes me on dates now and pays haha. In my experience with him and others, sex early on isn’t a turnoff to a guy who wants to date you, unless I guess if the sex is just bad. It just isn’t going to make a guy date you who was just wanting to hook up.
You will be able to figure out this guy’s true intentions soon. Guys who are just wanting a hookup will treat you like a hookup or they will ghost on you. A guy who really wants to date you will still pursue you. At least that has been my experience.
It’s truly hard to tell what he will do until you have some more interactions with him (or don’t hear from him). Some guys are amazing until sex and then they treat you horribly or ghost. Some guys treat you better after sex. At this point you just have to wait and see, but don’t get too worried or worked up or you may act crazy or irrational which WILL turn him off.September 22, 2017 at 1:13 pm #656043
Unfortunately there’s nothing you can do, nor you can you control the outcome…will just have to wait it out and see what he does next.
Women who have sex before a man is emotionally invested are taking a huge risk that it will be about sex. If you want to engage in sex that’s totally fine but you have to accept that men love sex (loaded with testosterone) and if you give it up easily they will happily take it without wanting to take it any further than that.
Dating is a risky endeavor because men no longer have to wait for sex as its easily and readily available today v. generations before them. Due to the high supply of VG’s they can pretty much sow their oats for decades without having any desire to settle down…like they say “why buy the cow when you can get the milk for free.”September 22, 2017 at 2:03 pm #656056
All helpful responses, so thank you! Would be good to know what you reckon I should do if and when he gets in touch?September 22, 2017 at 2:14 pm #656062
Just be normal! :) Act like you always have. But if he suggests another Netflix and Chill, maybe suggest going out somewhere instead so you don’t get stuck in a sex only rut.September 22, 2017 at 2:15 pm #656063
IF he gets in touch, make him date you properly. No more home dates. None of that until/unless you are in an established relationship.
If he doesn’t want to take you out (and it doesn’t have to be something expensive) it’s the effort that counts, and he disappears or tries to make it all about sex again, you tell him no thanks and forget him.
You can tell him things moved a little too fast and you’d like to get to know each other better before anything gets physical again. If he hesitates, his interest wanes, and he doesn’t step up, you know it was only sex. You forget him and learn the lesson.
Decent men will treat you with respect and consideration if you require it. Nikki’s example worked for her, but that is not how to date if you want to date for a relationship, and dating like that actually hurts most women. That is not the example to follow. It works for her because she probably didn’t care one way or the other what happened.
Pretending not to care (which is what most women do) IS NOT the same as not actually caring. In fact the difference between the two is night and day. The women who act like it’s all cool, when it’s not, and only pretend they aren’t invested in a guy get hurt every single time. It does not work.September 22, 2017 at 2:21 pm #656064
“Reason I’m panicking prematurely is because, for some reason, I feel like I’m not going to hear from him. I’m probably overreacting completely, but I just feel he’s not quite as keen as he was! PLEASE someone reassure me.”
You will absolutely hear from him again.
Question is when.
Guys do great sex to win the woman’s affection/feelings.
Now he is (maybe unconsciously) testing how well he did.
So wait until he contacts you, do not contact him in any way now.
When he realizes that you are not emotionally too easy/excited, he will return to chasing you.September 22, 2017 at 2:56 pm #656072
I said that a girl shouldn’t have sex early with a guy if she really wants commitment first. However, I have been out with guys that just wanted sex, and most of them don’t take you on several great dates first. Most of them take you out for drinks so your inhibitions go down and then suggest a movie at your place or theirs.
If a guy wants to date you, he will still want to date you after sex if 1) the sex wasn’t awful (this is not just that the girl is awful..they guy could have been awful and known it and been embarrassed afterwards) 2) you aren’t super needy after the fact
She has already slept with him, so telling her that she slept with him too early and she messed up is only going to make her more anxious, which will lead her to act differently, which will lead to him potentially deciding that the relationship is not for him.
He liked her enough to take her on several thoughtful dates, so I would not automatically say that she should be worried.
Some guys just want sex, but a lot of guys want a relationship and when they do have sex with a girl they are into, they still like the girl after. I am not the only girl that this has worked with, and I don’t think that I’m just so darn amazing in bed that I was able to achieve the impossible, haha.
OP – If you feel like it went too fast for you, I would be honest with him and say that it is going a little fast and you want to back up, but if you liked it and want to continue sleeping with him, I would just be sure that that is not ALL you do. Spend time together doing other things too, and I would definitely suggest going somewhere next or you will end up staying in most of the time.September 22, 2017 at 6:06 pm #656126
Sex does not make or break most relationships…a relationship happens outside the bedroom.
The reason for not diving into sex early is to get to know the guy…if you run into the bedroom what do you know?
Do not panic. If he likes you he still likes you….if he is wishy washy then you will find out. No panic…just information.September 22, 2017 at 9:08 pm #656176
I’ve always had sex when I’ve felt like it…1st date or 20th. I’m in the camp that says it really doesn’t matter.
But home dates are a different thing. They emcourage complacency, laziness and watching TV or having sex rather than getting to know each other. You lose the tension and excitement of staring at each other across a table or being able to briefly touch hands but do little else. They set the dynamic up for an easy relationship/hook-up where the man doesn’t have to chase, make an effort or impress you.
I would simply suggest next time you meet, you go out on a date. Go back with each other and have as much sex as you like after the date, but make sure he’s made an effort and that tension is sky high before you do.
I wouldn’t backtrack on the sex now. It makes the whole thing too heavy if you need to have a talk now. If you feel sex was a mistake, simply don’t put yourself in a situation where you have sex again until you’re ready. I.E. don’t go to each other’s houses. As I said though, it’s never caused a problem for me but I do expect a man to take me out and be exciting company before he gets me into bed.September 22, 2017 at 9:18 pm #656178
this was posted before!September 23, 2017 at 3:21 am #656202
So, I you have been dating and it went amazing, you had good sex and somehow it seems you cannot enjoy it really
why are you dating, again? to get a proposal after 5 weeks? :)
why you cant enjoy what you have? I mean this getting to know each other phase can be amazing… this freaking out is unnecessary…. he will get in touch with you, dont worry
and you, instead of beeing happy today (like butterflies in your stomach, or just a good chat with your female friends how amazing sex you got, and how well its going, you are freaking out and making out scenarios in your head
its not a good place to be if you are dating
so, I assume the sex was crappy, you didnt like it, and now you just want a validation from him, that he is still interested, and he doesnt wanted only sex
You really have so low opinion about yourself, that the only thing you can offer is your body? If this man is a jerk and cant appreciate your good qualities (overreacting and going crazy, because he didnt call you yet today is NOT a good quality)
I mean, no wonder man just take their time with woman, because they can never know who is going to get crazy with no reason
Dont worry, he will contact you, and in the meanwhile go and do something, what would distract your obsession
do you have real life friends? go, have a drink with them and laugh at yourself, humor is the best medicine :)
distract yourself, calm down, and dont march yourself into this frenzy, its your own doingSeptember 23, 2017 at 4:22 am #656213
It doesn’t matter when you sleep with him. If he’s gona leave you on the 10th date you first have sex, he will!! There’s nothing you can do. And you can’t torture yourself saying you blew it because you wanted to have sex with him too. He felt the same way you did.
My current bf and I never went on dates before we had sex. We met at a bbq and just hanged out after that and bam!! Still magic 3 years later.
My guess is that he really does like you and it’s not because you had sex that he changed. You never know the many things that he might be going through. It’s sad I know because you like him a lot but don’t think it’s something you did wrong or have sex too soon or invited him to your house.September 23, 2017 at 5:55 am #656225
So he did get in contact yesterday evening, and has seemingly been acting normal. But I still feel there’s been a shift – he’s not asking many questions, is not overly interested in what I’m up to this weekend, and hasn’t asked when he can next see me. I think we’ve got to a bit of a crossroads, whether he knows it or not – I’d say in 2 weeks it’s either going to be great, and maybe we will have had a bit more of a ‘chat’ outlining that we’re together and exclusive, OR it will be over. I guess I’ll just have to see! Regardless, I do agree it was too early too have an ‘at home’ date – it took the excitement away for both of us. I’m just hoping he gets that motivation, drive and excitement to see me back!September 23, 2017 at 12:54 pm #656287
I think my response is being misconstrued. If a guy really likes you he won’t lose interest regardless of when you have sex.
I am talking specifically to the girls. My whole point is basically what red curly sue pointed out. Most (or at least many) women allow their judgement to cloud once they sleep with a guy. The hormones released during sex produce feelings of Intimacy, closeness. and bonding. They often mislead you,or at least blind you temporarily, to a guy’s obvious flaws (if you had only stepped back) and spent a bit more time retaining some detachment in observation of what kind of person he really is.
Signs that might have led you to a conclusion this isn’t the guy for you. Signs that you would have decided not to continue.
Some women do not allow their hearts to run away just because they have sex with a guy. That is not the majority. Those women who are able to do that usually have very healthy self esteem, don’t read anything into the situation other than its sex IN THE MOMENT, and don’t have a result pinned the the outcome (they are fine with themselves whether the guy wants a relationship or not) after the sex is over.
It’s usually a woman who is fully honest, and okay with herself -who DOES NOT need or seek the approval of a relationship (or any guy)to endorse her innate worth or pump up her self esteem.
That is NOT the definition of most of the women seeking advice here. That is not an insult, it’s simple fact.
So yes, having sex early with a guy who is ready and seeking a relationship, and who really likes you dies not “scare him off”.
What it does is show you quickly who is only in it for sex as their goal. Because they will stop making any effort to get to know you,and only make effort to sleep with you, until they are bored (usually in short order). Because as soon as someone else they find attractive is available for sex they move on. OR they move on when they find a girl they actually want to date and have a relationship with.
My point was solely to help the girls who are still struggling to set healthy boundaries for themselves. And that is a result of not having a strong sense of who you are, not knowing your worth is priceless, and lacking self confidence that says you are worthy of respect,and to be cherished, regardless of what anyone else sees or does. Only when you are confident in yourself,and your value, do you stop wasting time on anyone who doesn’t see it too.
That is the point. The girls who are struggling with these things will give time, attention, and their bodies just to get some attention. This usually results in them further demolishing their own self esteem if it doesn’t work out. You have to like and love yourself to be your best version of you-one that doesn’t require endorsement from others to be secure.September 23, 2017 at 1:12 pm #656296
“So he did get in contact yesterday evening, and has seemingly been acting normal. But I still feel there’s been a shift – he’s not asking many questions, is not overly interested in what I’m up to this weekend, and hasn’t asked when he can next see me. ”
Keep silent and observe what he does.
You guys having sex early in the dating stages, didn’t change anything in his feelings.
He is just testing if it made _You_ nervous/excited/worried.
Show him that you are your old calm confident self. That having sex with him didn’t change anything at all in your mind/heart.
This means that he has do do much more and step up to get your heart.September 23, 2017 at 2:52 pm #656317
I do agree with you PhillyGirl – it’s crazy how having sex can make you so much more hung up on a guy. I can always feel it happening. One minute you’re fine, next minute you’re going stir crazy! And you know it’s illogical, but it’s sooo difficult to stop. If only there was a chill pill you could take, to just go back to your normal, rational self! Oh the joys of dating…September 23, 2017 at 3:09 pm #656322
Don’t forget that you’re still a single lady, that all you’ve done so far is had sex with someone you like, but still know very little about, and that you’re still evaluating him just like you are evaluating your other suitors. That’s the most important.